looselybased

I already did a search on here for this and found a thread that sort of talked about the subject but I'd just like to share my own personal situation and see what you guys think.

I'm 19 years old and I'm in my second serious relationship. She's an intelligent, gorgeous and all around fantastic woman who means the world to me. Our sex though is... I guess very frustrating. I have a real hard time getting a good erection when I'm with her and while I make up for the lack in other ways (cunnilingus, etc.) it embarasses me, as well as making her slightly upset. I'm sure it's not her fault as I can get it up there well enough when I'm masturbating, but it just doesn't want to happen when I'm with her.

I would appreciate any ideas, tips or solutions.

*Edit: As an aside, I'm a 6'4'' healthy chinese/german guy who took a break from Soccer for a year because of a leg injury. Because of the injury, I've really lacked any cardiovascular excercise lately. Just a little info.

TheBrit

Do you get an erection with her at all? Grinding, etc.?

Willravel

You might consider what you are thinking about when you run into the problems. Are you nervous? Are you thinking more about your problem than the intercourse?

Try this: next time you go five against one, be aware of what you're thinking. Then the next time you step up to bat, fill your head with whatever you think about when you're buttering the corn.

looselybased

It's strange because in the beginning I do (initial touching, kissing) but after that... nothing.

And Willravel, yeah I suppose I am thinking more about the problem then I should be. It's tough though as I really do want to please her and everything. I'll try your suggestion next time.

TheBrit

Could it be the condom? I know I sometimes feel really uncomfortable in them. Or is it before that?

Glory's Sun

Are you worried too much about making sure she gets pleasure? I know alot of guys tend to focus so hard (pardon the pun) on making the girl cum etc, that they end up stressing their mind to the point that sex is an impossibility. Just let go and quit worrying about things. Don't focus on any one thing.. just relax and enjoy the ride.

Ishmal

i've had that problem b4...

i'll get an initial erection, then it'll go down a bit by the time i want to use it (i really like teasing her & playing with her body)
i've found that if i focus on the problem (i.e. think "get harder, get harder") it actually gets worse because i am no longer thinking about the sensations...

so we learnt to gently rub the tip of my penis on her clit (mutual good feeling) and i don't think about it specifically.

that way, he gets hard again & we go to town.

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Val_1

To me, this seems like it will be a temporary situation. You said it was your second serious relationship? That, most likely, has a lot to do with it. The newness/nervousness of a new, different reationship can have effects on your body as well as your mind. I was married for a time. I dated a girl after my divorce and, even though I was attracted to her, it did take some time to get back into "fully operational" mode.

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looselybased

Wow yeah, that really does sound like my situation, and yeah, like Guccilvr posted, I may be focusing a little too much making sure she's enjoying herself. She just recently told me she's feeling really selfish since I wasn't able to get off the last time we attempted intercourse.

And Val_1... I don't know. I hope it is temporary. My last girlfriend sort of messed with my head a little bit and I suppose I am still recovering a little (it's been about six months though, so I'm not sure). The newness does get to me I suppose.

Thanks for all the replies everyone.

Zeraph

Relax. Relax. Relax.

Our autonomic nervous system is divided into the sympathetic and parasympathetic, the parasympathetic is responsible for conserving energy, relaxing, resting, and erections (but not ejaculations, that's sympathetic.) Erections are actually caused by the the relaxing of your penis, it get's relaxed and blood can flow into it. If youre activating the sympathetic by being nervous or tense you make it impossible to get an erection, impossible for the blood to get there. The vagus nerve (the 10th cranial nerve) is partly responsible for regulating heartrate, breathing, etc. So if you concentrate on your breathing and slow it down, it should help.

Rodney

You're overthinking it. You're working too hard at "making it all happen." That leads to ignoring the sensations, as someone else said, then to anxiety as things don't proceed as you'd like (because you're ignoring the sensations). And then the anxiety shuts -everything- down.

Relax. Just relax. Try to see sex as play, sex as fun. Get silly in bed. Don't worry about the destination. Just have fun with the journey, and the destination _will_ take care of itself. Trust me.

blizzak

while a lot of people are saying this might be partially an emotional problem, it could be somewhat physical as well. When I was working my fun labour job in the summer I could stay hard for a long time, then school came along and I was getting absolutely no exercise. Well you can guess what happened then...

Now i'm back into a regular exercise program and voila, back in action for the long haul. I've read that leg lifts and such are supposed to help the blood flow to the pelvic area(any exercise in that area should do it really). As for the mental thing, the most important cure for that i've found is to not think about it too much, cause that will only make things worse. Think of how pretty she is and how much you enjoy having sex with her, not about the need to stay hard and to please. Things should progress well from there. Good luck!

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Johnny Pyro

Yes. Free your mind. Focus on the sex. Forget your problem and focus on the feeling. Your problem will pass. I'm sure.

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Mr_Tickles

discuss with your partner -- get one of those conversations where you are completely open - not even talking in code.

you'd be amazed that half the sh*t that goes on in your head causing you to worry etc. evaporates when she says that she didn't even think of that.

Once you've sorted 1 or 2 key "mental" issues, you'll be back on form.

canadiankamikaz

yeah, I had the problem when I first met my girl. I hadn't had sex in like half a year before. anyways I was just plain too nervous now I don't have any problems. if it's a problem with say the condom? try getting a good lubricant like astroglide and put a couple of drops in the condom.

Oh I also find it helps if you take control like instead of having her go down on you for forplay, go down on her 69ing also helps release your mind of your problems and concentrate on what's infront of you

Willravel

Wakefear

Hey thanks everyone for the advice - I've gotten very good results lately... not sure which one did it though since I went through the multi thronged approach:

1. I relaxed and had fun. Once I let go a bit things started "working" again
2. I started working out again - the physical activity definitely was something I needed to feel like my old self again.
3. And I stepped up the communication. I thought that before we were pretty open, but now it's just awesome (and I do so enjoy the things she says

Thanks again guys and gals!

ratbastid

Good for you for this one in particular.

In 10 years of marriage, we've discovered that every time there's something off in our sex life, it's a reflection of somewhere we've fallen out of communication, some resentment we're harboring, some undelivered communication or unfufilled expectation elsewhere in our life. Sex is where things show up first, but it's almost never about the sex (though it always seems like it is, at first).

trib767

An interesting thread to me because this has just happened to me this weekend. 10 months since last relationship. first night with new girl. We got on great, had a lovely night and everything was perfect. Except I couldn't hold a sufficient erection for us to have sex. We were very intimate though and we were both very happy, except a little of myself beating myself up over it.
Now I know all the typical reasons: nervousness, etc and thinking of it just makes it worse. Trouble is, it is a viscious circle and getting out of it is hard. My thoughts on the matter right now are
(a) if she's the type of girl I want a relationship with then it doesn't matter. We'll relax and it i'll sort itself out
(b) we will talk and be open with each other. It's the basis of a healthy relationship and everything should work from that foundation.
(c) I need to stop thinking that I am under pressure to deliver, as I'm sure (b) will prove I am not

I have been thinking of this a fair bit today but reading on here shows this is pretty normal...