mmiller0617

We just found out we are pregnant, 5 weeks into our marriage. Shocked and stunned is a way to put it.
We want kids but not for awhile. We want to enjoy ourselves and our marriage first but having said that we are having a dilemma in our choice.

I think we are not ready finacially most of all, but also I am a bit selfish and want to take trips and enjoy being married first.
I think she is leaning a bit more towards the other way.

Anyone been here before and have any advice?

Thanks

avhg1

Funny that you are so close in MD. I went through a very similar situation, only we were two months away from our wedding ceremony. We had been planning the wedding for over a year, so it wasn't a shotgun wedding.

My wife and I used to have this tradition of renting movies, getting wine and staying up into the wee hours of the night/morning watching movies and getting toasted. Well, one Saturday I got the wine and movies, but she was very reluctant to drink anything. When I asked what was going on, she said that she thought she might be pregnant. We went out to the Walmart (it was about 12am-1am) and bought the pregnancy test. Sure enough she was pregnant. In an instant, so much went through my head, all the thoughts of freedom, money, responsibility and changes in life in general. It scared the shit out of me. I drank all three bottles of wine that night.

Looking back on it, I understand how I felt, but can look at it with a very different perspective. I now have two boys (ages 3 & 4) and my wife is pregnant with twins (another big surprise). I think that very few people are truly ever ready for children. There are always financial and responsibility concerns that will make us uneasy. Some how once you accept that, you make due and you work to find a way through it all. Looking back at over the past 5 years, I can’t remember how much money or debt we had at any certain point. I can’t remember the toys and things that I couldn’t buy. The memories that I have are of Christmas at my in-laws when my older son took his first steps, my boys finding candy on Easter and getting to see that same wonder and joy in their eyes that I had when I was a boy. If you asked me about what was going on at any point in the last 5 years, I would tell you about what was happening with my boys, not where I stood financially or what I was missing out on.

It may sound corny, but love is what makes life worth living. Love your children and the memories and experiences you have with them will far outweigh any concerns and fears you have. Once you open up to parenthood, you will really become a different person.

__________________
I shake the devil's hand daily... I'd do it hourly, but my hand gets tired.

mmiller0617

My other big concern is school. I never finished college and was getting ready to go back in the summer and I am afraid that I cannot support my family without that degree.

avhg1

I have been finishing my degree for 6 years (not including time at Community College). Like I said, you make things work. Do what you have to and you'll have to give up some things, but it's worth it. In the end what does it really matter if it takes 4 years or 10 years to get your degree, if you make the most of the time you have.

I look at my brother and see what he has by not having kids. He has a Corvette, big screen (I have a big screen now) and all kinds of stuff. But with all of that, he is still not a happy person. He still wants more and keeps saying he has to have this or that before he has kids. I was very much this way also before my wife got pregnant. It was like a competition a lot of times. What he doesn't see is that you will never have everything you want, especially if it is all material things.

Anyway, back to the school stuff. Having kids gives you access to tax breaks, financial aid and other opportunities that you didn't have before. You may need to schedule school around work and family life, but if you want it, you can still do it. I go online to University of Maryland (www.umuc.edu) and can do my work at anytime of the day or night. Look into all the opportunities and be willing to work hard.

__________________
I shake the devil's hand daily... I'd do it hourly, but my hand gets tired.

clavus

You are never ready.

My first kid was, um...not invited. But I'm so glad he showed up.

If it wasn't for him, I'd STILL be delaying having kids. Instead, I've got two of them, and it's really great!

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Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.

canuckguy

wow, first congrats on the marriage. How much did you and the missus discuss children before getting married? I would guess that you two talked about it, when you thought you would have kids..etc. Well I say whatever you decide, make sure you support your wife as she is probably thinking many of the same things you are.
The trips and toys can wait, you can have kids and still go to school, it just takes alot more effort and time. My wife and I currently have a 7 month old little girl I found out my wife was pregant the day before I was quiting my job to go back to school. So now I still work, but go to school parttime instead of full time. It can be done, good luck!

spindles

Firstly congratulations and good luck!

It could be worse. You could be like us - trying to have kids for ages before it happened and almost contemplating adopting because it just was not happening and we did not want to do IVF. Now our 4 month old son is the centre of our existence. Enjoy it - it is great fun...once they start sleeping through the night.

As I said in another thread, catch up on your sleep now!!

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who hid my keyboard's PANIC button?

Daoust

My situation was similar to yours mmiller... My wife and I were married for a little longer than you (6 mos.) when we found out we were pregnant. Mind you, I was 24 and my wife was 22 at the time. So we were young, my wife was finishing her last year of college (she only worked at her job for which she trained and paid a lot of money for 2 months then she quit to raise our daughter) and I was working very sporadically as a substitute teacher... It took the both of us almost half of the pregnancy to get over the shock. We were really, really scared. We didn't know what we were going to do.

Well, tomorrow my daughter turns 1. The last year has been so amazing. There's still been all the stress - we moved two provinces away, I still don't have a steady job, and somehow we secured a mortgage to buy a home - but through it all my wife and I still say every day how blessed we are to have our daughter. She is the love of our lives. Even though having a child at that critical stage in our young lives was life altering, and we did have to sacrifice a lot, we still agree we'd not change one second of the last year.

I'm sure you'll feel the same way as I do when your child is born... at least I hope so.

__________________
I have faith in a few things - divinity and grace
But even when I'm on my knees I know the devil preys

cj22009

mmiller like clavus said you will never be ready. Don't worry about not being able to support your family without your degree you will find away trust me.

angeltek

Congrats on the marriage, and congrats on the kid.

Alot of the kids born these days seems to be unplanned. So your not alone on that by any means. Don't worry about the money either, it'll just get you all stressed and make you go crazy. I know cause I have been there. Just save up what you can before the baby is born. Also, remember that you have parents, grandparents etc. Clothing, toys, furniture, diapers, all of that fun stuff seems to magically arrive at your doorstep with a gift card on it.

I was sitting in your shoes not too long ago, and everything seems to be working out fine for me, a person who had no money saved away, no university degree, and so far in debt it's not even funny. I have learned that things will always work out, and there is always friends and family to turn to when you need help.

Be Strong, Be Brave. When the kid comes, you'll know it will all be okay.

william

Congrats on the wedding and the soon-to-be newborn. You're a little scared - that's okay. You should be. You are bringing a life into this world that will rely completly on you to protect and guide him/her. You should feel very lucky. Not everyone is given the opportunity you have.
Things always have a way of working out. Selfish for feeling you can't take the trips you want - why can't you? Even if they're not "kid-friendly" spots, eventually your child will be old enough to trust w/a grandparent for a weekend. And then you have other trips you can plan w/the child, like Disney.
The child may not have been planned, but he/she is on the way. Do the best you can to prepare yourself (and that won't be enough). But above all else, cherish him/her.

Justsomeguy

Don't worry about the college. You just have to apply yourself. Really, I've known so many people with no futures in other countries that have really been successful in the U.S. Meet some people, make some connections, and get your life started. My dad started out as a delivery boy at a drugstore, and now he has become vice president of marketing in a major wholesale pharmaceutical company. You just have to find your place.

Take the situation your in as a good one. You're young, you were not ready, but you are married. I think it will be a challenging, but it will be a very rewarding experience in your life. Personally, I couldn't imagine making a decisions that could have detrimental results to my stability for the rest of my life because I'm not ready for a certain one of life's challenges.

ngdawg

From another perspective, we had tried for 10 years before having our twins after 13 years of marriage. Yes, we were more than prepared in many ways. What we did not anticipate was the major change of going from just two of us for so long to a family of four. Perhaps this will be better in the long run for you. Children in your life have a way of putting things in perspective. They give you goals much more important than having the biggest or the latest. And having them at what I assume to be a young age has many advantages as well. The trips and things will come and be more rewarding, because you earned them. Good luck.

:::OshnSoul:::

i got pregnant with who was my 2-yr. boyfriend at the time, but then we chose to get married. we were terrified, and yes abortion crossed my mind, but i felt that this being was inside of me for a reason.
And now I am so thankful I made the choice to find out why.
Do what feels right in your heart.

pinkie

"You are never ready" -- So very true...

Not planned??? Me too. It wouldn't even be an option for me. Go with her to see your baby on the ultrasound... They're cute, even when they are just the size of a seed. That's your first born baby...

I was very young when I got pregnant, and now my baby is 13!

maestroxl

Honeymoon baby? Congratulations. They come to us in all stages. My wife already had a 12-year-old when we married. When he went to live with his dad after a couple of years, we had a short time alone, but it wasn't long before we had our own child. Now we have two. Viewed another way, it's all the sooner your child(ren) will be off on their own and you'll have an empty nest again.

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be the change you want

mr sticky

I can't improve on avhg1's post, so I'll merely echo it.

Good Luck. And TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE! Communication is still key!!!

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The sad thing is... as you get older you come to realize that you don't so much pilot your life, as you just try to hold on, in a screaming, defiant ball of white-knuckle anxious fury

mmiller0617

I appreciate everyones help in this matter.

While the argument of having a child is great and wonderful the one that seems to commonly appear is that you can take all of your trips when you are older. That is the problem being older. I am 31 right now so I will be 50 by the time we get to be empty nesters. Ugh!!!
Having said that though, yesterday we went to get the sonogram and seeing our baby and hearing its heartbeat made it all seem that much more real and we are going to give it a go!!!!

I am scared like crazy and so is she. YEs we will have to move into a different apartment farther out from the city than we wanted, yes we only saw our friends thru happy hours in smoky bars and that will end, yes our 1 year anniversary trip to Paris/London is now not going to happen, but we will be having a baby who we will love very much. When I heard that heartbeat, I knew I was going to have to give up a ton but I just didn't care.

maleficent

Congratulations! That's so wonderful...

Paris will be there...

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sexymama

I'm surprised no one has said it, but abortion is an option. If it isn't time, you still have control of 1/2 the choice. Talk, talk, talk and decide together what is best for you, her, and your future children.

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If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god

It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

flamingpeach

Congrats on your decision to keep this new life!

The heartbeat makes it so real and amazing. The ultrasounds are even more fun, and when you are able to rest your hand on your wifes belly and feel those kicks, it'll make you crazy.
I have about 3 weeks before my baby arrives, and even though my life has changed alot over the past nine months, I wouldn't change it for the world.

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I've eaten my veggies all my life so bring it on, I am educated and strong for the revolution.

pinkie

I meant sonogram!!! Yay!!!

Congratulations Daddy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

avhg1

You won't regret it! Congrats!

__________________
I shake the devil's hand daily... I'd do it hourly, but my hand gets tired.

Baron Opal

Wow. My wife and I were married 3-4 months when we became pregnant. I was halfway through college, and that degree would ultimatly triple my income. It was a hard road, but we got through it, we have a beautiful son, and I have my degree. It took me an extra year, and finding the child care we needed was very difficult. But I wouldn't trade him for anything.


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