liquidlight

My ex and I have been divorced for almost 3 years now and we have two children, ages 3 and 4. She has been remarried for roughly 18 months and is married to the man that is the reason why we divorced in the first place (a long story all by itself). Due to the circumstances of our seperation and attempted reconcilliation my kids have known this man for most of their lives, all of that being said the problem that I'm having is this: because they're now married my ex and her mother (who lives in the upstairs apartment over my ex) have taught my children to call him "Daddy Ben." I personally have a serious problem with this, if for nothing else because it upset me the first time I heard it and I asked her to not let them call him that any longer. That was over a year ago and it's become a complete habit for them at this point. Am I just being petty? And does anyone have any suggestions on how I should approach changing this issue if possible?

hannukah harry

okay, first off, i'm not married, never have been, have no kids, and my parents have never divorced, so take this with a grain of salt if you want.

the fact of the matter is is that this guy is their step father. he will be, whether you like it or not, taking on the role of dad to them since he lives with them and you're not able to be there 24/7. i think you should let them call him dad. if this happened when they were older, especially teenagers, then they may have had it out for him and have a horrible time growing up. at least this way, they'll grow up in a (hopefully) good environment because there won't be any real issues and they'll have two fathers. just make sure you're there for them. be as big a part of their life as possible, bigger even. make sure they know that even though you don't live with them, you're there and love them and would do anything for them and that you're their dad. he may be "daddy ben" but you're "dad." "daddy ben" may as well be "uncle ben." he may have the position of father because of circumstance, but as long as you take an active part in their life, you'll always be 'dad.'

my $0.02

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shabbat shalom, mother fucker! - the hebrew hammer

:::OshnSoul:::

wow, I am sorry to hear that. It's not petty, but it's not worth stirring any arguments or tension that your kids could pick up on. They are keen in that sense.

All that you can do to not stir up anything, is be the best father you can when you are with them. Give them the attention, patience, love, and kind words that they want and need from their daddy. They will feel that love & devotion and really know who their true daddy is. It's okay for them to love and be attached to their stepdad, but you don't want to confuse them.

I hope that helps some. Just always remember that your children come first.

tecoyah

Well, I wasn't going to post here anymore after the (breastfeeding) thread kinda turned me away, but this may help you.
My son is now nine and has been with my ex for five years. She got re-married about two years ago, and at first my son didn't want to call him Daddy. I was fine with that, and in fact it was an Ego boost. For the last six months he has been off and on calling me by name, and him by Dad.
I am a small part of his life in comparison to the new guy, and feel that it is my sons choice to "pick" who gets the title. In fact I am somewhat happy that he is adjusting to the new father figure in his life. The way I see it, Someone needs to be there for him in the male role, and I cannot. I would say, let the situation play out, and realize he (she), are the most important thing to worry about, not who has the title.

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

raeanna74

hannukah harry said it well

I babysit for a little girl who's parents are divorced. I watch her on Dad's weeks and on Mom's weeks. They first brought her to me when they were going to their first divorce hearing so I've been taking care of her through the whole thing. She is almost 3 now so much the same age as yours are. She calls her step dad "Daddy Terry". Her biological Dad is still Daddy. I can tell who she sees as Daddy. He enjoys Daddy Terry and it's a good thing because going to Mom's house is less traumatic. But she LOVES Daddy. She wants to go home with Daddy much more than with Daddy Terry. Daddy probably doesn't see it that much but watching from the outside and how her relationship with her own Daddy has developed I can see it.

I know you don't want your children to bond more with some other man. You want to be their Daddy all yourself. The way things work in divorce that isn't always possible. You want your children to be happy - they need to be comfortable at your home and at mom's house. You can't let the bitterness at this other man eat away at your love for your children and allow you to interfer with their happiness. They know you are their Daddy. Calling him Daddy... anything is only a name to them. The older they get the more the difference will be apparent to them. Try to keep things as congenial as you can. Your children will read your bitternes if you can't get rid of it. I know I haven't had to deal with this so how can I tell you that. I realize it must be a monumental job to not be bitter. I do know children though and they can read you like a book. They need stability and love. Not just love towards them either. If you love them and hate everyone else it will rob them of the feeling of being free to love who they want to. They will "love" this man as their step father.

As hannukah harry said though. The part you play in their lives is the key. If you are a father to them you will be loved as a father. Try to focus on your relationship with your kids and not on their relationship to anyone else. They love you, you love them, your love is unconditional as you are their first Dad. Don't let anything else get in the way between your love for them. Hugs. I hope you can get past this without more pain.

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"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

StephenSa

I think raenna 74 and hannukah harry are right, "Daddy Ben" will only be a name for the children to call him. The "Daddy" aspect of the name probably will be linked more to the fact that he is their mother's husband and male figure in the household than any biological or deep connection to them. As long as you love them, treat them well, and continue to build a strong relationship with them you will always be Daddy. Hopefully they will have a good relationship with their stepfather but in their heart of hearts they only have one real "Daddy". BTW, I don't think you are being petty, its a natural reaction but I think there is little you can do but deal with it and be the best Dad you can be. Good luck.

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Thousands of Monkeys, all screaming at once. Pulling God's finger.

Luki

About three years ago my mother was engaged to a man who had a 3 year old of his own. The little boy used to call my mom, Mommy-Shannon. And he used to call me Sissy-Luki(although he never could get my name right due to language barriors of a 3-yo who speaks 3 languages) And so forth with the rest of my family.

When my father got remarried I probably would have felt more comfortible with a step mother I could either call mom or feel she was a mom to me.

To call someone mom or dad with or without the added first name makes them closer, I understand the idea of where your feelings come from. Talk to your family, tell them how this makes you feel and see if they can hand you a few comforting words. It's only a big thing if you make it one.

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Your part is silent you little toad - a line from the new phantom of the opera

Grimlok

Hey... I'm in a situation where I'm the Step Dad. I've known my son since he was 13 months and he'll be 7 tomorrow. I'd say for the first 4 years I had him his Bio-Dad wasn't around that much... and when he did come around he would tell my son that I wasn't his dad and that he only has one dad. Well... as pissed as I was I let it play out and my son decided that he had two dads so we were both Dad to him.

His Bio-Dad sees him a lot more now and now he seems to be in an unstated competition with me. You see I play with him, wrestle with him, help him with home work, take him to Basketball and Soccer practice, etc... and his Bio-Dad sees him once every other week during the weekend at which time he spoils him and buys him anything he wants before going off to hang with his friends while his girlfriend/fiance' let's him watch R' Rated movies (**must stop before I get angry**).

Point is... he's starting to call me Step-Dad now... and I'll be honest... it hurts. He's also starting to tell him that he's better than me, he makes more money than me (I make nearly twice as much) and other things that an impressionable six year old doesn't need to hear. I sense a conversation in our near future but I guess what my main point is... is that if the Step Dad has done nothing but Right by your child, treats him or her well, and continues to provide and put a roof over said child's head... Then you should be happy.

It's bad enough you and your wife split up and now the child is split in two different directions... Don't screw with him by causing conflict with the other part of your child's life cause all IT'S DOING IS PISSING ME OFF!

I mean...

Uhm...

Not you... Uhm...

I gotta go now.

bye.

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Your future looks very very grim!

sexymama

I agree with most of the above. I think the main thing to remember is that you may be the apple pie and Ben may be the cherry pie. Your children love both pies -- even though they are different.

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If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god

It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

hannukah harry

^^^^^^ i love that analogy... and damn, i'm hungry!

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shabbat shalom, mother fucker! - the hebrew hammer

liquidlight

See what happens when I don't have comp access for a week?

And yes, this is mostly to defend myself . . .

A couple of points to clarify, part of the seperation and the reason we went through with the divorce is that my ex ran off to California to be with this guy when my son was 2 months old, I raised them by myself for most of the next year and I still have sole custody but I can't bring myself to enforce it because she really does care about the kids in some warped way. My kids do not and will not know that I ever have any problems with their mother or their stepfather because I remember what that feels like, I still go through it on an almost daily basis, and I refuse to do that to them. For most of the time since we've been divorced niether my ex or her new husband have been capable of actually taking care of the kids by themselves, they actually owe me quite a large sum of money that I've loaned them to keep up with their bills. They also allow the full range of negative reinforcement with their discipline, which is probably my single largest complaint of all, they're not parenting, they're coddling.

Now, before any of you try to kill me, you all make excellent points, he does play a roll in their lives and that's not something that I can change without creating a horrible nightmare situation that would only patch my ego and make life miserable for them.

I guess what it boils down to is me bitching about him getting that moniker when he doesn't do any of the things that would allow for him earning it.

Thanks for listening to me rant

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Halfway to hell and picking up speed.

fairsquare

Looks like I have a lot to deal with. I'm starting a relationship with a woman who has a child from a previous relationship. I've been thinking a lot about what my role should be with the child. You fall in love with one person, but you get 2? I guess my goal will to be to start as mentor and hope for dad. But, i'll leave it up to the child if that happens.

sexymama

liquidlight, not that it is any of my business -- but STOP lending them money! They make their own beds, let them lie in it.

You are doing the right thing to only say nice or nutural things about them in front of the children; but they are not yours to rescue. Your children deserve to see the whole picture -- which includes (evidentally) "mommy in trouble." You not rescuing their mother, will not hurt the children and it may help in the long run if she learns to stand on her own two feet. Just my opionion -- take it or leave it.

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If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god

It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

Flyguy

Not to be an asshole or anything, but berofe I got married I always had a rule that I would never date a woman with children. I never wanted to be in the "middle" like that. Nor did I want to deal with the "baby's daddy."