phathom

Ok, I got a serious question for everyone. Me and my gf, who we've gone out for a year and a half only with a 2 month break in the entire time. I ended up getting her pregnant, no this wasn't a planned thing as we are both 19 in college and working at the time. We really love each other and are planning on getting married after she gets out of college in another 2-3 years. But our parents don't know we have been having sex for the last year, and we both still live at home at our respected houses, my parents just got over some issues they had with her. But everything is cool now. It has been a concern of both our parents that we not have a kid together this young, but we are not ones to abort or give up for adoption. We are moving out together within 6 months and she is only 1 month pregnant if that. We are keeping the baby no matter what and already have some names picked out. But the question is, how do we tell our parents without them getting upset or being disapointed in us or getting angry, ect. Basically what is the nice way to say this and them be happy for us? Please reply soon as the sooner we tell them the better.

:::OshnSoul:::

Hey, my husband & I were in your position. We were scared beyond belief, although he has a child already. The thought he might be portrayed as a sex-fiend who makes girls pregnant, and then my parents who are christian would get mad- but it went over so well, we couldn't believe it. The only person who flipped, was my older brother, but that's normal.
Hey- just remember- you hadn't planned this, if either of your parents love you unconditionally, they will be more than happy to accept a grandchild. Be the best parents you can be, don't rush to get married an account of the child, and don't worry about what the parents think, even if it is hard that they may judge you guys on this. It would be ridiculous if they did.
Best of wishes, tell them, and do the best you can in being parents for this child.
And congratulations!!!!

Averett

I don't want to be a wet blanket here but... Wait a few months. At least until she's 3 months pregnant. The first 3 months can be tricky.

God, I'm a depressing person.

Anyway, my sister was in that position. Only a month before she told us she was pregnant she said "I'm not having sex!" Well guess what... she was. She was engaged at the time actually, but no real plans for marriage. She ended up tearfully telling my parents. They were upset but supportive. It was funny, my dad says to her "Are you going to tell your sister? HUH?" And I was all "What? She's pregnant?"

Long story short... My niece will be 2 in March and my parents adore her. She's great. My sister isn't with the father anymore, they broke up a few months before Shelby was born. It was for the best though.

Best of luck, I hope everything goes well with you two. Be sure to have your girlfriend get to her doctor if she hasn't already.

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mr sticky

I haven't been in your situation, but I have to tell you...expect their disappointment. Give them some time after you guys drop the bomb to get acquainted with the idea. Be patient with them.
You have to realize the only reason they'll be mad is because they love you. It's tough rearing a child, tougher still to do so on a shoestring budget (assuming,since you're students). They know this, and regret that you had to deal with this at in inopportune time.
The worst part is if your respective parents each "blame" your SO. Make sure that you present a united front. It will help if they see you as a couple more than ever.
Plus, when you have this really cool little baby, you'll see quite a difference in their attitudes.

Good luck...you'll need it, but this is THE coolest thing that will ever happen to you.

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PDOUBLEOP

I'm not sure that there is a "best way". More than likely they're going to be upset about some part of it so be prepared for it. Remember, they've been planning for your future since you were born and you've just laid down on them one of the things that they hoped wouldn't happen...yet. Try to be understanding of this while you're asking them to be understanding of your situation. Good luck!

By the way...I HAVE been in your situation and MR. Sticky makes good points above.

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raeanna74

I don't know what your parents are all like. Mine are ultra conservative and would have been terribly upset and a bit angry if we'd been in this situation. I'm sure though that once they got over the shock they would be supportive and helpful. I hope the same for your parents. I think it would be a good idea to wait a month or so. It can't hurt. But then it's best not to wait too long to tell them. Just get it over with then.

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sapiens

Congratulations! I agree with many of the posters above. I agree that you should wait until she is at least 3 months pregnant before telling anyone. My wife and I didn't consider ourselves "with child" until we were through the first trimester. I also agree that there is not a "best way" to tell one's parents. My wife and I sent our parents "Congratulations on becoming grandparents!" cards. We didn't tell them anything else. They were very shocked and confused (in a good way). I wouldn't recommend that communication strategy in your case.

Finally, if you haven't already, both of you should get in to see a obgyn as soon as possible. Again, congratulations!

PorscheBunny

You could just wait and let them figure it out for themselves. (Please don't do that, they'll never forgive you.)

Wait until the second trimester has started. There is a chance of miscarriage between now and then, and while that will be awful, it won't be as bad as telling everyone she's pregnant and going thru all that AND THEN having to tell everyone she miscarried.

Having the child adopted is still an option if you two feel you're not capable of raising a child at this time. I know there's no way I could have raised a child at 19, I couldn't keep myself out of trouble back then.

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phathom

Thanks for all the advice. We already told a close couple we know. They are really supportive since they were in the same position, but they are a little younger than us and made the decision not to keep it. I was against it, but at their age, I know it was the right choice for them. And it's funny that you mentioned that Averett. We kinda went over the don't worry we're not having sex one like right before we found out, also an if you get pregnant we're going to let you deal with it, it's your deal thing as well. One of the hardest things though, is that with her being pregnant and hormones shifting and all, she has become really moody, almost like bi-polar. Where one minute she's all happy and lovey the next minute she doesn't even want to see me and wants me to leave and never see me again, then cries because she's lost in her life or things are getting too hard (excluding the pregnancy) and then after about 5-10 minutes maximum 30 minimum 2, she calms down and we actually grow closer because of this, because I love her unconditionally and will never leave her side. I tell her this and she knows it. We really love each other but have had some difficulties in the past, but got over them, but they keep slipping back up when she gets like this. I can't wait until her hormones and stuff stabalize and she gets back to normal. Because before this, she was always the greatest, sweetest, girl you would ever meet, but with a little edge, now its kinda like the edge is sweet and vice versa. Ah well, I love her to death and I always will, we're not getting married on account of the baby, we already talked about it before our break and were engaged already (not announced though) But I know I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and she knows that no one else will love her like I will. But we want to get stuff more organized when we do. Anyways, thanks for the advice. But still, is the direct aproach good, like should it be over dinner, sit them down to talk, casually bring it up, or how, I know we should definately tell them together, but I would like some suggestions on the method we should use. Post a couple and I'll put up a poll after I get a few I like.

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phathom

oooh, one more thing, since obviously she is already pregnant, almost a month now. I know it is safe to have sex during a pregnancy because obviously she can't get pregnant again. But when is it safe to when she is pregnant, from when up until when? Because I've heard that in the first month or was it two months that your not supposed to, but after that it's fine.

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thingstodo

First, congrats.

Second, when you do tell them, just do it. Don't be patronizing because that will piss them off. Also let them know it's your decision on what to do and you understand the consequences and are prepared to deal with them - provided you do and are.

Finally, don't know about the sex thing but both our kid's labor was kick started by sex.

By the way, I speak from experience as a father of a 21 and 26 year old....

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Averett

Talk to a doctor about the sex issue.

Bring her to a doctor soon. She needs to get on prenatal medication. And you can both go and ask as many questions as you both have

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gibingus

the statistics on spontaneous, naturally occuring abortions within the first trimester surprise most people.... they're about 50%.

in fact, most girls who miss their period for a few weeks and then have it come back were probably preggy and their bodies rejected it for some reason or another. call it nature's mulligan.

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synic213

Some good advice above, but here's my take:

Be as calm and as confident as possible when talking to your parents. Be mature in your discussion and do your best to prove to them that you are a responsible, rational adult and can handle this situation. Reitterate to your parents that you (and your fiance) are in complete control of the situation, but you would appreciate their love and support. This can be the defining moment where your parents stop treating you as a child but accept you as an individual and an adult. The minute you start to break down and get emotional, or agitated, your parents will see you as incapable of handling this situation, and it will take much more convinvcing later on to sway them back to your side. If your fiance is strong and supportive and gives you strength and conviction, bring her along. If she's more likely to break down and become emotional in front of your parents, leave her out of the first encounter.

Second topic: My wife and I were told by our OBGYN that sex was perfectly OK and normal throughout the entire pregnancy, and believe me, we did! You cannot harm the baby in any way by having "normal" sex, all the way up to the last days of the pregnancy. Their may be some days where your fiance doesn't feel physically or emotionally up to having sex, and don't force her, this is perfectly natural. Moods swings of all sorts are natural thorughout the entire pregnancy, and even the months following the birth, so be strong and supportive.

This can be (and should be) a great experience, so do the right thing by keeping your fiance and yourself happy and healthy, and push aside the negative that may or may not come your way.

Good luck and congrats!

:::OshnSoul:::

Then they should be okay with it. Besides, it's YOUR life and YOUR child. It's up to you.
And, no disrespect to others' advice on here about waiting, but I think they would be more crushed by telling them 3 months or so down the road, vs. right away. The sooner you tell them, the more time they have to adjust and prepare and to let it sink it. I am sure you don't want to hear "when's it due?....Well, why didn't you tell us earlier?!?!? That's only 6 months away!!!"
Better to tell them now then later, IMHO.
But it's just a suggestions, it's your choice. Best of wishes, take care of her and the baby. That's really what matters most.

Charlatan

Listen to what everyone is saying here (especially about the first 3 months).

Sage advice all around.

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gibingus

congratulations. now pull your head out of your ass and wake the hell up. you are in deep shit, and this is the last place you should seek advice or validation for what you have done.

everyone is very supportive here, and i don't mean to be a killjoy, but here's the hard line that i didn't have time to say yesterday. and - in a tough love kind of way - it needs to be said so you think about this from all sides.

you had better be damn good and sure you are ready to do this. you've already said that you don't consider the big A words as options, but you have also shown yourself to be very, very young, inexperienced, and insecure. young people go through with this all the time, but the odds are against you and they are steep.

you love each other, fine and dandy. that is not going to be enough to get you through parenthood. parents are partners more than they are lovers. are you ready for the truth: new parents on average have sex less than 8 times over the entire first year of parenthood. parents need skills and experience to be effective when the challenges come up, at 19, you don't have those yet and your ability to get them will be handicapped.

your life - as you know it - is about to be over, forever. it will never, ever come back. your girlfriend will not finish college for a very long time, if at all. and you probably will not either. neither of you will sleep for the next year. your wife will be attached to the baby every 3 hours if you breast feed... you will be able to do nothing except be a parent. doors will close that will never open again, cutting you off from life experiences that in the end will strengthen you as a person, making you a better and wiser parent down the road. you will never have your own life, becuase your child's life supercedes yours. your earning potential will be diminshed, challenging you as a provider. your family's opportunities will be limited by the choices you make, you cannot deny this - it is a fact of life.

young people have strong convictions and are idealistic because they have yet to gather the experiences that temper your views and build wisdom. you are afraid of both of your parents. you cannot enter parnethood with that kind of fear, you need their unconditional support to survive this, at any age. especially when you are this young, you will need to rely on their experience because you don't have any.

good for you if you decide to go ahead with it, and good for you if you don't. there is no right or wrong answer. if you go ahead, you can never look back, and you can never back out. this child will depend upon you for EVERYTHING, and the responsibility is bigger than anything you can imagine. you need to ask yourself realistically if you are ready for it because there is a life at stake.

Picking out names is cute, but you need to start asking yourself the really hard questions. What are you going to do about health insurance? What is your income like? How are you going to pay the rent, morgage, daycare, put food on the table, shoes on the feet? How much is this kid going to cost you in the first year... probably tens of thousands of dollars. If you don't have it yourself, you either get it from insurance, your folks, or government aid... if you qualify. if you think your school has a ton of paperwork, you ain't seen nothing yet.

you need to get some counselling from a real, qualified person and not from a bunch of anonymous online people. go to the student counselling service, go to your church if you are religious, go to your town's family services, but go somewhere and talk to a professional. they might be able to hook you up with a support group, too. you are in trouble, the stakes are high, and it is not going to get easier. if you are afraid to talk to someone, take it as a sign that you are in denial of how tough this is going to be.

and you need to talk to your parents. now. don't wait. their reaction doesn't matter, that is in fact the least of your worries. you have real, practical problems to solve. face the music, you need them more than you can ever know. ready or not, you are a grown up now and you can't be acting like a kid in trouble. if you are, again, it is a sign that you are not ready to be a parent.

think of it this way, dude... you are about to have a kid, what if that kid turns out to be a girl and she comes to you 18 years from now and tells you her boyfriend knocked her up, but we really love each other and we're going to make it work. you've worked and sacrificed your whole life to provide her the opportunities you missed. what would you do?

this isn't a test... this is your life now. and it is really, really fucking hard. you sure you're up to it? ask yourself what is the biggest responsibility you have had to this point and then ask yourself again if you are doing the right thing by your kid if you decide to go through with this.

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macmanmike6100

that's a very good question. i suggest sitting them down with them and just explaining the situation calmly. your parents will most definitely need some time to get used to the idea but their love for you will prevail, i imagine

Destrox

I'd just like to say that this post was one of the best post I've read in months.

Every ounce of it is true for the most part, and it is cold hard reality.

A guy I work with, he's 21, recently had a kid. I honestly feel sorry for his child, for he is going to be brought up by two parents who dont love one another, and dont even live with each other. They only stick together to parent, and neither is parent worthy.

The guy barely makes enough money to cover his own ass, and neither does she. Even at 21, very VERY few people are even near ready to have a child in this day and age.

If its a religion reason why you are against abortion or adoption, thats great, you have somthing to beleive in at least. Otherwise, start re-thinking.

Countdown to you having no life, money, or relationships : T-Minus 8 months.

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