How Long do you fight for her? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

tres · 12-02-2005, 04:33 AM

My SO and I were recently helping out some friends of ours in their recent breakup and we both had some different advice. We are a little curious as to everyone else’s feelings on this topic.

Basically, girl leaves the guy for another man, after 5 year relationship. The guy started to get lazy with the relationship and started taking things for granted. (As most of us men tend to do at times). She decides to leave and date a man from her job. (Yes, we all know that was a mistake).

So my girl and I we consoling our guy friend, and her advise to him was to fight for her, ie: send her flowers, invite her over, have chocolate covered strawberries, apologies. Call her, try and fix things, and do whatever it takes to get her back. It got to the point where my girl was just a little too involved, to the point where she is mediating and the girl won't even talk to her ex directly.
My advise, was definitely fight for her... Write her a letter with all your feelings, and how you plan on changing yourself. Send her flowers... or some other gesture that she enjoys. try to get together with her and talk it out. Other than that, in my opinion continuing to call her, and send her gifts, and having friends go to her...is... most likely a little more than she wants, and could even push her away more. I believe there comes a point where it is too much and might even qualify as harassment. I'll also add that the first 2 weeks this guy was a complete mess over this breakup... its all he could think about... and basically.. he truly loved her. At some point my girl spoke with the EX and she was willing to give it another shot. She spoke with the new bf and explained that she just could not let 5 years go, and has to give it another chance. Looks good for my friend right? Well by the end of the day... she's back with the new guy..cause he fought for her.. and apparently is very convincing... So after work my girl and I were gonna go over his house and be with him... but to our superise.. he's out with a friend, and seems to be completely cool with everything, not a bit broken up. Me, as a guy can understand this.. There is a point where you just have to pull the proverbial rib cord, and get over it cause..she is not coming back and we must move on, we fought the fight, and lost. My girl however thinks that he didn’t fight enough, and is mad that he's just totally letting it go. This situation got her thinking, and now she thinks that I wouldn’t fight that hard for her if we were in that situation. I feel that if she left me for someone else, then that’s what she wanted, and if she's happy, its unfortunate for me... but she's happy. I'll put up a fight to a point, but the reality is that there must be some underlying reason why she felt the need to be with someone else, and no matter what I say, she has betrayed our relationship, and if she decides to come back in the near future because she realizes what she had, then that’s great. but... a man can only wait around for so long.. before he has to move on with his feelings simply for his mental sanity... I dunno... what do you all think about this situation.... sorry about the length...

maleficent · 12-02-2005, 05:55 AM

I have so little patience with game playing in relationships and it sounds like that's what she's expecting -- rather than actually having a conversation.

If a person wants out of the relationship, they want out. They state their reasons and then they leave. Done. It's sounding like your girlfriend's mindset is that the person really doesn't want to leave, they are just 'testing' the other person to see what they'd do and there's a specific standard that they have to meet otherwise they realy really are leaving...

If you really loved me you'd..... Fill in the blank....

If two people really loved one another, they wouldn't feel the need to test the relationship with a silly high school game.

cj2112 · 12-02-2005, 07:21 AM

How long do i fight...long enough to say "are you really sure this is what you want to do?" if the answer is yes, then so be it. I'm not a big fan of drama, so if she doesn't want to be with me. I'm not about to attempt to buy/ coerce someone into being w/ me.

Toaster126 · 12-02-2005, 07:45 AM

If the guy wants her back, he should communicate that desire to her. He should say that he understands he was taking the relationship for granted, and that he will work on that (with her help). That's it. If she's really interested in saving the relationship, she'll work with him from that point. If she isn't, nothing he can do will fix it, and he should just chalk it up as a lesson learned.

ratbastid · 12-02-2005, 08:12 AM

There are two things going on here.

How long should HE fight for HER? Not long. He should take a shot at it, but not so long as to turn desperate. Nobody wins that way.

Here's the part you missed: your SO wants to hear you say you'd fight for her. When that's not actually on the table, it's a romantic, sweet thing that most women swoon over. "Darling, I'd never let you go. I'd fight for you to the end of my days." I hope you wouldn't, actually, but it's what your SO wants to hear you say.

Mantus · 12-02-2005, 08:28 AM

How long would I fight for a girl who left me? NOT LONG! If she disrespects me like that she better be fighting to get me back. Otherwise, NEXT!

PS. Take notes on all the advice your girl gave this guy. Pick out some intresting ideas you haven't tried or done for a while and do them yourself. You girl will be delighted.

MEAD · 12-02-2005, 10:19 AM

There is this romantic ideal where some girls want a guy to fight for them beyond reason. It's an archetype sold by movies, television, magazines, romance novels, etc... This is as unrealistic as the image of women sold to men by movies, telelvision, magazines, not so much romance novels, etc...

Now although I gain a great satisfaction out of being a classic, chivalrious sort of guy, I can only hold on to the mold so closely. In a culture that hardly refelcts that of fictional medieval Eurpoe, it's the best I can do to hold a door for a woman, clean up my language around them, and do my best to protect them from harm. And if my girl happened to be taken away by an evil Lord or dragon, I surely would fight for her. But do you remember looking fondly on the hero that would not give up his love after she willingly left him for the Dark Lord/ Dragon? That was always the misguided swoony poet-type, who we all hate.

The girl is mixed up if she wants him to fight. It seems like she is missing those romantic stereotypical behaviors that are so available from the man early on in the relationship and that she might be trying to artifically create a situation that would pull from the man some kind of heroic behavior that would sweep her off her feet. But the case is: she left willingly and a prolonged attempt to get her back would be pathetic.

Toaster126 · 12-02-2005, 02:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MEAD

The girl is mixed up if she wants him to fight. It seems like she is missing those romantic stereotypical behaviors that are so available from the man early on in the relationship and that she might be trying to artifically create a situation that would pull from the man some kind of heroic behavior that would sweep her off her feet. But the case is: she left willingly and a prolonged attempt to get her back would be pathetic.

Not only pathetic, it would encourage later fictional drama in the relationship. If the games worked now, maybe later she will continue to use games instead of communication like a healthy adult. This situation would be a huge warning bell for me personally because I can't stand drama that people cause for themselves.

tres · 12-02-2005, 03:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mantus

How long would I fight for a girl who left me? NOT LONG! If she disrespects me like that she better be fighting to get me back. Otherwise, NEXT!

PS. Take notes on all the advice your girl gave this guy. Pick out some intresting ideas you haven't tried or done for a while and do them yourself. You girl will be delighted.

I'm already on that one!! I don't wanna the same thing to happen to me...

Quote:

The girl is mixed up if she wants him to fight. It seems like she is missing those romantic stereotypical behaviors that are so available from the man early on in the relationship and that she might be trying to artifically create a situation that would pull from the man some kind of heroic behavior that would sweep her off her feet. But the case is: she left willingly and a prolonged attempt to get her back would be pathetic.

Funny you say that..cause that was one of her main complaints....that he did'nt do the things he did 5 years ago...

william · 12-04-2005, 06:26 PM

Basically, there is no fighting for the girl. Either you have her or you don't. But since this is a forum, I'll add my 2 cents:
If you love her, keep her. Do everything in your power to do so.
If she belongs (or is beholden to) someone else, set her free. If she comes back, she is yours. If not, she never was.
Sometimes life is a m'fer. Deal w/it.

tres · 12-05-2005, 11:18 AM

So... get this... after my friend gave up... and told her to be happy with the new guy.... She came back... I guess when she realized she wasent wanted anymore.. she realized what she was missing..... I dunno...crazy drama... I hate it..

MEAD · 12-05-2005, 01:28 PM

Well that's good. She's got her apologies to make and he's got to work on the issues she has with him as well as any he has with her. Basicly this is a good chance to fix things. Don't let them waste this and fall back into the saem dangerous routine. I wish them luck 5 years is quite a big investment in someone.

Comprehend · 12-06-2005, 12:56 AM

The grass always seems to be greener on the other side.

I'm not sure if I'd fight. I promised myself that no girl was worth fighting over, but I've since been pretty challenged in that belief. It depends on the girl, but with that in mind we all really do make mistakes. However, when a person wants out of a relationship, they don't need to answer to anybody but themselves.

When the romance is gone, a friendship might remain. Yet, all too often people were in love with an idea rather than a person. Keep that in mind.

Carno · 12-06-2005, 06:05 AM

Quote:

How Long do you fight for her?

Probably about 30 minutes, I guess.

Shizukana · 12-08-2005, 10:25 PM

Are you sure I don't know you? I just had almost the EXACT same thing happen to me. It's so hard at times to deal with the loss, and you are just completely torn up over it. I go out and try to have fun with my friends, but just because your friend seemed okay doesn't mean that he IS okay. A lot of people are good at putting up the facade in public.

I do agree with fighting for her, but at some point, you do have to let her go. However, I know very well that it is also easier said than done. Hell, I'm still fighting for her, but I go back and forth as to whether it's worth it or not. It's at this point that you have to have friends that are there for you and people who care about you. I don't know what I would have done if it werent' for my friends in the past three or four weeks. That's about the best thing I can say.

12-02-2005, 04:33 AM	#1 (permalink)
tres Insane Location: Long Island, NY	How Long do you fight for her? My SO and I were recently helping out some friends of ours in their recent breakup and we both had some different advice. We are a little curious as to everyone else’s feelings on this topic. Basically, girl leaves the guy for another man, after 5 year relationship. The guy started to get lazy with the relationship and started taking things for granted. (As most of us men tend to do at times). She decides to leave and date a man from her job. (Yes, we all know that was a mistake). So my girl and I we consoling our guy friend, and her advise to him was to fight for her, ie: send her flowers, invite her over, have chocolate covered strawberries, apologies. Call her, try and fix things, and do whatever it takes to get her back. It got to the point where my girl was just a little too involved, to the point where she is mediating and the girl won't even talk to her ex directly. My advise, was definitely fight for her... Write her a letter with all your feelings, and how you plan on changing yourself. Send her flowers... or some other gesture that she enjoys. try to get together with her and talk it out. Other than that, in my opinion continuing to call her, and send her gifts, and having friends go to her...is... most likely a little more than she wants, and could even push her away more. I believe there comes a point where it is too much and might even qualify as harassment. I'll also add that the first 2 weeks this guy was a complete mess over this breakup... its all he could think about... and basically.. he truly loved her. At some point my girl spoke with the EX and she was willing to give it another shot. She spoke with the new bf and explained that she just could not let 5 years go, and has to give it another chance. Looks good for my friend right? Well by the end of the day... she's back with the new guy..cause he fought for her.. and apparently is very convincing... So after work my girl and I were gonna go over his house and be with him... but to our superise.. he's out with a friend, and seems to be completely cool with everything, not a bit broken up. Me, as a guy can understand this.. There is a point where you just have to pull the proverbial rib cord, and get over it cause..she is not coming back and we must move on, we fought the fight, and lost. My girl however thinks that he didn’t fight enough, and is mad that he's just totally letting it go. This situation got her thinking, and now she thinks that I wouldn’t fight that hard for her if we were in that situation. I feel that if she left me for someone else, then that’s what she wanted, and if she's happy, its unfortunate for me... but she's happy. I'll put up a fight to a point, but the reality is that there must be some underlying reason why she felt the need to be with someone else, and no matter what I say, she has betrayed our relationship, and if she decides to come back in the near future because she realizes what she had, then that’s great. but... a man can only wait around for so long.. before he has to move on with his feelings simply for his mental sanity... I dunno... what do you all think about this situation.... sorry about the length... __________________ "Its better to be hated for who you are, then loved for what your not" --Van Zant "Tell me and I forget. Show me and I remember. Involve me and I learn."

12-02-2005, 05:55 AM	#2 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	I have so little patience with game playing in relationships and it sounds like that's what she's expecting -- rather than actually having a conversation. If a person wants out of the relationship, they want out. They state their reasons and then they leave. Done. It's sounding like your girlfriend's mindset is that the person really doesn't want to leave, they are just 'testing' the other person to see what they'd do and there's a specific standard that they have to meet otherwise they realy really are leaving... If you really loved me you'd..... Fill in the blank.... If two people really loved one another, they wouldn't feel the need to test the relationship with a silly high school game. __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

12-02-2005, 07:45 AM	#4 (permalink)
Toaster126 Extreme moderation Location: Kansas City, yo.	If the guy wants her back, he should communicate that desire to her. He should say that he understands he was taking the relationship for granted, and that he will work on that (with her help). That's it. If she's really interested in saving the relationship, she'll work with him from that point. If she isn't, nothing he can do will fix it, and he should just chalk it up as a lesson learned. __________________ "The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand) "The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

12-02-2005, 10:19 AM	#7 (permalink)
MEAD Insane Location: South Florida	There is this romantic ideal where some girls want a guy to fight for them beyond reason. It's an archetype sold by movies, television, magazines, romance novels, etc... This is as unrealistic as the image of women sold to men by movies, telelvision, magazines, not so much romance novels, etc... Now although I gain a great satisfaction out of being a classic, chivalrious sort of guy, I can only hold on to the mold so closely. In a culture that hardly refelcts that of fictional medieval Eurpoe, it's the best I can do to hold a door for a woman, clean up my language around them, and do my best to protect them from harm. And if my girl happened to be taken away by an evil Lord or dragon, I surely would fight for her. But do you remember looking fondly on the hero that would not give up his love after she willingly left him for the Dark Lord/ Dragon? That was always the misguided swoony poet-type, who we all hate. The girl is mixed up if she wants him to fight. It seems like she is missing those romantic stereotypical behaviors that are so available from the man early on in the relationship and that she might be trying to artifically create a situation that would pull from the man some kind of heroic behavior that would sweep her off her feet. But the case is: she left willingly and a prolonged attempt to get her back would be pathetic. __________________ Here are some phrases I'd like to be able to say, in all honesty, before I die. "That's it, send out the ninjas!" "So then I had to kill my way to the second floor." Last edited by MEAD; 12-02-2005 at 10:21 AM..

12-05-2005, 11:18 AM	#11 (permalink)
tres Insane Location: Long Island, NY	So... get this... after my friend gave up... and told her to be happy with the new guy.... She came back... I guess when she realized she wasent wanted anymore.. she realized what she was missing..... I dunno...crazy drama... I hate it.. __________________ "Its better to be hated for who you are, then loved for what your not" --Van Zant "Tell me and I forget. Show me and I remember. Involve me and I learn."

12-02-2005, 07:21 AM	#3 (permalink)
cj2112 Unbelievable Location: Grants Pass OR	How long do i fight...long enough to say "are you really sure this is what you want to do?" if the answer is yes, then so be it. I'm not a big fan of drama, so if she doesn't want to be with me. I'm not about to attempt to buy/ coerce someone into being w/ me.

12-02-2005, 08:12 AM	#5 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	There are two things going on here. How long should HE fight for HER? Not long. He should take a shot at it, but not so long as to turn desperate. Nobody wins that way. Here's the part you missed: your SO wants to hear you say you'd fight for her. When that's not actually on the table, it's a romantic, sweet thing that most women swoon over. "Darling, I'd never let you go. I'd fight for you to the end of my days." I hope you wouldn't, actually, but it's what your SO wants to hear you say.

12-02-2005, 08:28 AM	#6 (permalink)
Mantus lascivious	How long would I fight for a girl who left me? NOT LONG! If she disrespects me like that she better be fighting to get me back. Otherwise, NEXT! PS. Take notes on all the advice your girl gave this guy. Pick out some intresting ideas you haven't tried or done for a while and do them yourself. You girl will be delighted.

12-04-2005, 06:26 PM	#10 (permalink)
william Psycho	Basically, there is no fighting for the girl. Either you have her or you don't. But since this is a forum, I'll add my 2 cents: If you love her, keep her. Do everything in your power to do so. If she belongs (or is beholden to) someone else, set her free. If she comes back, she is yours. If not, she never was. Sometimes life is a m'fer. Deal w/it.

12-05-2005, 01:28 PM	#12 (permalink)
MEAD Insane Location: South Florida	Well that's good. She's got her apologies to make and he's got to work on the issues she has with him as well as any he has with her. Basicly this is a good chance to fix things. Don't let them waste this and fall back into the saem dangerous routine. I wish them luck 5 years is quite a big investment in someone. __________________ Here are some phrases I'd like to be able to say, in all honesty, before I die. "That's it, send out the ninjas!" "So then I had to kill my way to the second floor."

12-06-2005, 12:56 AM	#13 (permalink)
Comprehend Upright	The grass always seems to be greener on the other side. I'm not sure if I'd fight. I promised myself that no girl was worth fighting over, but I've since been pretty challenged in that belief. It depends on the girl, but with that in mind we all really do make mistakes. However, when a person wants out of a relationship, they don't need to answer to anybody but themselves. When the romance is gone, a friendship might remain. Yet, all too often people were in love with an idea rather than a person. Keep that in mind. __________________ believe your truth is not my truth that God can exist with many faces at one time

12-08-2005, 10:25 PM	#15 (permalink)
Shizukana Insane Location: Plano, TX	Are you sure I don't know you? I just had almost the EXACT same thing happen to me. It's so hard at times to deal with the loss, and you are just completely torn up over it. I go out and try to have fun with my friends, but just because your friend seemed okay doesn't mean that he IS okay. A lot of people are good at putting up the facade in public. I do agree with fighting for her, but at some point, you do have to let her go. However, I know very well that it is also easier said than done. Hell, I'm still fighting for her, but I go back and forth as to whether it's worth it or not. It's at this point that you have to have friends that are there for you and people who care about you. I don't know what I would have done if it werent' for my friends in the past three or four weeks. That's about the best thing I can say. __________________ "The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it." - George Bernard Shaw