Force 10

So I have some old friends. We go way back. I'm talking our moms used to put us in the shower together way back...

Here's the deal. I'm getting married on Saturday. They were not invited. I'm having a very small, intimate wedding consisting of family. These friends live 8 hours away from me. I caught wind today that they are scheduled to come "surprise" me Wednesday.

The problem is that the surprise is not welcome. I have shit I need to do. Teri's family is flying in on Thursday and the house needs to be in tip-top condition. I also can't afford to go get drunk with them, as I need to be in tip-top shape. I have too many things I need to do to even begin to list.

I spent the better half of the day today on the phone with every one of them trying to explain to them that it wasn't personal but that they simply couldn't do that to me.

They're upset because they took the time off work to come visit me and I wont have them. I told them tough shit. That it was their own stupidity for putting me in that position and they'd have to live with it.

I'm moving to NY one month from now and they are upset that this could be the last time we ever get to see each other. This coming from my "friends" who haven't called me but like twice in the last four years.

I still love these guys. They’re my friends but we're totally not in the same place. Our lives are so different now.

Is it so much to ask that they respect me in my wishes? Do I blow them off for good rather then try to fix this so-called broken thing? I hurt their feelings today. Should I even care at this point...after all, they even toyed with the idea of crashing my wedding until I caught wind of that and put a halt to it. I mean these guys are still acting like they're in high school and using the bros over bitches’ motto-type of shit. Who fucken needs it?

Tell me I'm right in this folks....

krwlz

Yea man, ur right, tell em to fuck off.

Big Julie

You're right in this. You don't need that kind of rudeness right before your wedding.

Sounds like they're just using your wedding as an excuse for a road trip and partying, so tell them to bugger off.
They can call you when they grow up.

Congratulations, at any rate. I hope all goes well for you. It's not too late to just elope, is it?

BBtB

Don't let them come. Let them know before they leave if possible (I assume they know now) stick with that. Try to keep on good terms with them but at the same time just tell them like you told us. It is going to be a small affair. Family only. You got alot of shit to do. If possible maybe they can come out sometime after the wedding but before you move. If not.. then ... well fuck them anyway.

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Meridae'n once played "death" at a game of chess that lasted for over two years. He finally beat death in a best 34 out of 67 match. At that time he could ask for any one thing and he could wish for the hope of all mankind... he looked death right in the eye and said ...

"I would like about three fiddy"

Cynthetiq

congrats...

I was going to have a similar problem... so I had my wedding on a boat..

enjoy your time with your wife.

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WhoaitsZ

doh. what a lovely scenario.

tell em you'd be more than happy to spend the day with them in the near future but plans have been made.

if the 'insist' then you may have to be direct.

if they actually do fuck your plans up, i'd call the cops. no ifs ands or buts.

i

Sun Tzu

I define my "friends" differently than the many acquaintances I have in life. To me friend is a strong word, a very strong word. It’s probably the reason why I can say I only have a small number of good friends; people I would trust with anything I have in life; including my life {which has been tested in the past.} Unfortunately I live far from most of them, so I hang out with allot of acquaintances that I like.

Even though I don’t know what you sound like I can almost hear your voice through your words. Outside of the understandable stress your probably going through I hear a frictional tone that make me think these guys don’t sound like friends (or my version of them) If you’re not having any friends and its solely family, it’s understandable why you don’t want any outside of such there. If these guys were just looking for a reason to hook up with you and get drunk, I don’t blame you. They sound more like takers than givers.
If they are the kind of people that are outwardly focused; true givers, and see their friends happiness as important; it’s also understandable why they would care to be present for such a big moment in their comrades life.

Obviously if you receive any harping after you informed them of the scenario I really question if these people are friends. You stated you’re not in the same place as them anymore; there should be no guilt in realizing they may not be friends anymore, just friends of the past.

I may not be a person that would have the best input though as my great grandparents had 22 kids, so I have allot of family I haven’t even seen; while I have friends that may as well be considered my brothers.

Just some humble input.

Congratulations; live long and prosper.

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gibber71

Don't feel bad.They have phoned you twice in 4years.I wouldn't have even taken their call.

HiThereDear

If you're not willing to spend time with these "old" friends, then you should probably just end the friendships. It's just old baggage now. Otherwise live up to your not always enjoyable duty as a friend and treat them like people you care about. Don't let the significance of the event fool you into thinking you have a carte blanche and that you'll be able to patch things up later. Your friends wont forgive you just because it was your wedding.

Force 10

You hit it. Thank you Sun for saying what I wanted to say and needed to hear.

Thank you all for your input. Indeed, I really appreciate it.

denim

Doesn't sound like it matters much. I mean, if you've heard from them so infrequently, they're not exactly what I'd call "close".

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you love the memory of your friends. Yes? I mean, if you've not done anything with them in 4 years, what exactly are you "in love" with about them?

Nope, they're being unreasonable.


And what, exactly, did they do to yours? Your friends are so considerate, huh? How much money would their "surprise" cost you, how many problems with people who were invited would it cause? "Consideration" is not a one-way thing. If they didn't consider the impact of their "surprise", fuck 'em.

"I appreciate the thought, but you didn't think this through at all. Please keep in touch." might be a thought for you to start with, if you speak with them again at all.


No one with a clue needs it.

Easy: you're right. They appear totally clueless about what goes into a wedding, how much pre-planning is involved, how much is involved in putting together the invitation list, etc.. If they refuse to understand that, there's nothing you can do about it.

oblar

well, i think everything I was going to say has already been said, so I think I will just add my congratulations to this list

Congrats!

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.All that we can do to help ourselves is stay alive." - Rush

gov135

Well said, congrats to you.

I know it must be stressful, but I hope you find the time to step back and enjoy yourself.

Congrats and good luck.

redravin40

Just wanted to say Congratulations to you and your lady Ruprex.
May your life be filled with joy and good fortune.

On the question of the old friends:
Don't let them make you feel bad.
You've made plans and having them drop out of the sky was not part of that.
Good friends would understand.
The wedding day is about the two of you not them.
Good luck and I hope everything works out.

Mondak

How do I say this without getting edited. . .

From the surface of what you told us, you don't deserve your friends. Weddings are about control and appearances. You seem to be more on that side than making sure that people who care about you get to make a memory together. I am frustrated by this type of thing because so many guys I know basically lose all their friends after they get Married. Their wives made it so - either them or me kind of thing.

Here is a quick note: married people are allowed to still have friends. Good luck with your wedding and with your former friends.

Ok - let me try to make that constructive. You are stuck with your family and they are stuck with you - you are born into the damn thing. Friends are far more valuable, because they CHOOSE you. At any time they can walk away and yet they are many times more loyal and careing than family. If you have an opportunity to either allienate your friends or make them feel welcome - always choose to do your best to build these relationships. You never know when you can use a good friend.

As far as them being different - I imagine that they are a silimar age as you and are facing many of the same things. Even if you are the first to get married or face this type of situation, I bet they are changing too just as you are. Maybe you just have not seen it as much since you do not spend as much time with them. If they are Friends, give them a chance, you may be pleasently surprised.

Hope that was more helpful than what I wrote at first.

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First it is ridiculed
Second, it is violently opposed and
Third, it is accepted as self-evident.

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Jesus Pimp

I guess it's too late to move the reception/party? That would be great if you were able to move it to a undisclosed location. Yeah tell them to fuck off.

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World's King

Friends come and go.


It's amazing that some people don't understand that if you aren't invited to something there is a reason behind it.

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yangwar

It's your WEDDING. They shouldn't have invited themselves. You suprise people with birthday parties, not weddings. Screw them for imposing on you. THey may have had good intentions but really, getting in the way of somebody's wedding? Weddings are stressful enough.

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Cynthetiq

I beg to differ. I've been married a little over 1.5 years now, and I still have my friends which I see on occassion and I didn't invite them to my wedding. They wanted to come, and would have if we did not have it on a boat. My wife and I wanted to have a SMALL wedding, very small. If I invited A, then I'd have to invite B, which in turn would mean that I'd have to invite C,D,E and F-I.

As far as wife or them kind of thing, that's ridiculous. I love being with my wife, she's my bestest friend in the whole world. I love being beside her and next to her any time I have free. My friends, I see them once in a while, but they don't give me the same energy and excitement that my wife does. Simply put, like many of my friends, I've outgrown them. When my career took off, my lazy do nothing for themselves friends were boring and uninteresting. My current stable of single friends, well, they don't see life as we do. I'm not saying that they are below us because they aren't married, just they have different motivators. We have plenty of single friends, in fact we only have 1-2 couple friends, but we hang out with our friends on a regular basis, together and seperately.

Originally we didn't even want our family to be there but just our best friends and we wanted it to be in a remote location in Iceland. We were already pressured by family to allow them to attend so we had to change it to Florida.Because there were people who could not afford to go to Iceland. We weren't going to cave into friends, since we already even changed the location of the wedding.

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

BoCo

Dude, it's your own wedding. You're not going to let other people set the rules for you on your own big day, are you? Besides, you're about to say goodbye to the single life, and from now on your new wife is going to be bossing you around enough as it is. Use this opportunity as your last to be the man in charge, and tell your old drinkin' buddies to stay home.

By the way, good luck with the marriage.

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troit

Weddings are expensive events and can be a touchy subject when it comes to who to invite. My suggestions is that I would invite these friends to the ceremony and then throw a separate get-together for those friends you wanted to invite to the reception but were unable to. If they are good friends they'll understand and if they still don't then I would take it for face value.

Hope this helps.

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