raeanna74

I am debating on how to handle Thanksgiving this year. I know I'm two months early BUT it's gonna take some planning to avoid a family fued this year due to a recent separation between my brother and SIL. To give you a brief background.

Last year my guest list included both sets of our parents (we've not had any divorces so far) and our siblings (two of them) and a couple who is like family to us. Since then my brother and his wife have separated, it's been a bit ugly and the tension when they are in the same building together is so thick that everyone is on edge the entire time. I cannot have that in my own for Thanksgiving. The big problem is - SIL has turned into my Dad's golden girl and any negative comment about her is met with severe disapproval and arguement. So if I don't invite her I'm afraid my Dad WILL. I don't want to be forced to tell her she cannot come. I WANT my brother to be there and I doubt highly that he will come if she is. She's stalked him and is verbally abusive toward him.

I plan to talk to my brother about it and see how he would LIKE things to be handled on his behalf. If he tells me to go ahead and invite her and he will come I know he's capable of controlling himself. BUT I personally would prefer NOT inviting her. HOW can I have my family over for Thanksgiving without inviting my SIL and without pissing off my Dad?? Any way you can think of saying things that would keep my Dad from flipping out? I can't imagine what or how to say anything. Now if she were to show up as a result of Dad going behind my back I would likely treat her politely and deal with it. I would not hesitate, and I know hubby wouldn't either, to ask her to leave if she should fall into her loud mouthed whining about my brother or fighting with him if he were to come.

I know this is early but I want to be prepared. We technically have not asked anyone yet but last year the last few words of most of the family as they left were that they were looking forward to next Thanksgiving here. I started a couple things last year too that I want to continue as family traditions. I would not mind, would in fact enjoy, having family here. How to handle the new situation will be the tricky part.

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BigBen

What are you talking about?

Thanksgiving is this weekend, you crazy kid! I can't believe you left the planning to the last minute!

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Charlatan

I was thinking the same thing... crazy Americans.

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raeanna74

lol - I know. That's actually what got me to thinking about OURS in November.

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"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

snowy

It's your home. You are the hostess. You have to do what is going to make YOU comfortable. If you don't want your SIL there, put your foot down and say so--now, not later, so any tension has the chance to disappate BEFORE Thanksgiving. Be honest with your father. Tell him you are doing what you consider the best for EVERYONE involved. Tell him you don't want any excess drama.

Any true adult will realize the implications of having both of them there.

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raeanna74

Unfortunately Dad has not been behaving like a 'true adult'. His behavior lately in particular has been frighteningly like an infatuated irresponsible teenager.

Hubby gets the heeby jeebies just thinking about all of them, especially my disfuctional family, being here AGAIN. He's begging me not to have them all here. I agree with him that it would be a lot simpler. Unfoirtunately my mother would NOT deny that SIL could come and I believe my brother would not let her presence deter him from attending. So if the shindig ends up being at their house we are doomed to a tense atmosphere. I would like to still go but if this is going to be the case I'm not sure how I would handle it. Not attend? Go and if they start fighting, leave? That would simply cause more strife - or would it. I just don't know. I'd like to write off SIL and perhaps my brother as well. But my parents can't seem to stand up to either of them. It's sad.

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"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

cellophanedeity

I don't see how you'll be able to manage not offending anyone's feelings.

If your sister in law has been abusive, and causes tension when in the same building as your brother, don't invite her. Perhaps you could speak to her and your father before hand, explaining the problem. If you would like to keep in good terms with this woman, then perhaps inviting her to dinner on a different night, when your brother is not there, would be nice.

I'm not sure how your relationship is with your brother and sister-in-law, but I tend to assume that despite everything, your brother would come first in the pecking order, despite what your dad may say. Right?

alliNYC

I think that if you take on the responsibility of having everyone over, you are going to end up having to also put up with any drama that ensues. I don't think it's avoidable from what you describe. You mentioned new traditions, why not start a tradition of going out to dinner, so even if she shows up, she may have less of a chance acting like a total idiot in public . Or just have a small intimate dinner with your husband, and then go over to the 'rents for dessert. These are probably very unrealistic options, but with them said, I guess my point is that until someone intervenes and people get offended you are going to get stuck dealing with this mess.

Redlemon

Your brother is separated from her, so I don't see how the ex-SIL should even be a factor in this; she's no longer part of your family. *Especially* if your dad sees her as his new girlfriend. Your dad and mom are still together, right?

Invite SIL: piss off your mom, your brother, your husband, and yourself.
Don't invite SIL: piss off your dad.

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Charlatan

If your Dad insists on her being there... don't invite your Dad either. It's harsh but if he really wants to spend Thanksgiving with his "girlfriend" he should be more than welcome to do so... elsewhere.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Poppinjay

I love my dad, but I would have to love him one whole hell of a lot more to put up with that.

At any rate, I would not invite her. If dad asks her along, then it's on him.

I think Springer pays $400 a head for these things...

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mr sticky

Your Dad is the problem.

Address the problem.

Reanna, my advice is to plan a meal with your hubby and kids. Call your Dad and say that you would like to invite your siblings and parents. Also tell him you think that SIL presence would diminish everyone's enjoyment of the holiday, so you are not going to invite her. When he replies that "if she's not invited, then I'm not coming." Tell him he'll be missed.

This standoff has been on its way for a while. Go ahead and blast it off so you can get back to planning your holiday. Your father already picked his side, apparently. You need to go ahead and tell him yours.

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ShaniFaye

I think you should honestly let you mother deal with having it at her house. If its there and stuff starts its a lot easier to walk away from than if its in your own home

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Rodney

I think alliNYC and ShaniFaye have it right: by holding this affair, you're taking on the responsibility for managing a situation that is a) uncomfortable, and caused by a weird relationship between your dad and an _estranged_ inlaw, and b) not your fault in any way.

I know you want to start some kind of tradition. But if having Thanksgiving this year means tiptoing around a 2000 pound elephant in the living room that nobody wants to admit is there, take it easy on yourself and tell everybody that you're just not up for it this year. Let them make their own plans.

Basically, what you're signing up for is making a currently dysfunctional family dynamic _look_ functional for an evening. Is that fun? Is it true? Do you want to take the lead for sorting everything out in advance _when none of the major players is willing to do that themselves?_ What kind of an evening is that going to be?

No. Lay back and let it happen without you this year. Given another year, SIL will probably burn your dad like she's burned everybody else, and he'll come back to his senses. Hopefully.