Stompy

I've been seeing someone, we'll call her J, for the past 4 months, but we recently split up about 2 weeks ago. The reason we split up: she thought I didn't care about her.

When I had first started talking to her, I was also talking to this other girl, we'll call her M. Not dating either one... simply talking. You know, the stages before you actually begin to date someone.

M and I ultimately decided to just be friends. We clicked, but not well enough for a relationship. So I started seeing J more and more. Naturally the more time you spend with someone, the more you get to know them, and if things click, they take off from there.

Well, J would feel threatened by M. J and I would get into small arguments. "The only reason you're with me is because she didn't want to be more than friends with you." Simply not true, but under the given circumstances... I could see how someone who is insecure would feel that way. So I ultimately stopped talking to M (we just naturally kinda grew apart and didn't talk as much).

J and I started dating, then finally became a couple. During that time, the smallest thing would set her off.

For example, one night I became bogged down with work and realized I would need to spend the next 3 days doing nothing but work. At the same time, J was busy, working a lot. She said to me, "I dunno if we're gonna be spending much time over the next few days, I'm gonna be incredibly busy," to which I replied, "well, as much as that sucks, that kinda works out because I'm bogged down."

That ultimately turned into a fight. "You dont even care if you see me or not." Very ridiculous. Now, I have a very low tolerance for trivial fights.. so after she kept on with me defending myself, I'd finally snap: "Look, enough already. You're being fuckin stupid. All I said was 'it works out. I'm busy anyway'."

Things went on like this for a while, but when things were good... they were very good. Any time something small would set her off, I'd have to defend myself because, in my eyes, I didn't really do anything wrong. That turned into, "well you're just always trying to be right."

The more it happened, the shorter my patience and tolerance for it became. Ultimately she called things off saying, "I'm fed up with how you treat me."

Granted, I did and said some things (ie 'enough already, you're being fuckin stupid') that probably weren't the smartest.. but everyone has their boiling point. After our split up, I kinda realized that maybe I had done or said some things that didn't exactly help our situation.

I came to terms with the fact that things just wouldn't work out, but this past sunday she tells me that she misses me and that she still has feelings for me.. and that she needs time to sort stuff out.

So the past few days were okay, until last night... I was headed out the door when she called. "Hey, I'm gonna stop by real quick to get your opinion on this dress I just got." I said, "ok, no prob. I'm headed out right now, but I'll only be gone 5-10 minutes." She got upset and said, "Forget it, I'll just go home then."

I talked to her later that night and she said, "it just goes to show I'm not a priority in your life.." Normally I'd be livid at this point because of how utterly stupid it is, but I calmly say, "Why, because I was headed out?" She says, "You couldn't even give me 5 minutes of your time.. I never ask things from you, you know this."

I'm at the point right now where I realize this is kinda hopeless. Someone I care about has convinced herself that I don't care (which led to our breakup) and with what happened last night.. still believes those things.

I know I'm in a bad situation with all of this. It's fucking with me... to have someone you care about do all of this.

What the hell drives someone to be like this, and what am I supposed to do?

__________________
I love lamp.

snowy

Um, walk away. Seriously. Now, while it's definitely possible that we're just getting a one-sided story here, it's also pretty clear this girl has some self-esteem issues she needs to contend with, and she's only going to be able to do that on her own. She's got some kind of crazy going on (shoot, I've said things like that to my guy friends, but I was PMSy and they knew it) that you're obviously not able to handle, and you're probably only exacerbating the problem. So, walk away. Come back in a few months. Maybe she'll have it sorted out by then.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

raeanna74

She sounds really needy. Some people can't handle being set aside for even just a moment. It's once you are more mature that you realize the world does not revolve around you and you can be glad that someone has other things to do besides pour all your time into them. It's likely that if you did give her all the attention she is craving she'd tired of it quickly and begin to say that you are clingy. It's in a big part self-esteem issues. It's possible she has a family situation where the mother or father spoiled her rotten and she expects the same treatment from others. Who knows. She will either learn that HER way isn't gonna work all the time or she will simply always be miserable.

Even though we're not able to talk to her as well on the issue it seems as though she needs to give you a little more space than she's willing to. If you really desire to be with her you'll have to give her that immediate attention she is craving and preen her a little more to keep her happy. If you aren't interested in that sort of scenario than move on and do it soon.

__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

Carno

Her low self esteem is going to drag you down.

She's being ridiculous, and in my experience there is not a whole lot you can do to change the way a person thinks.

__________________
http://how-to-spell-ridiculous.com/

genuinegirly

Sounds like me.
Hopefully I'm not that extreme. Be friends. Or whatever she wants. Everytime you see signs of her being needy, let he know quietly that you care. Don't discuss it further. Say the same thing, give her a hug. Don't try to explain things. She isn't in a state to understand. She may be going through some crap, or already did... in any case, she has reasons to be needy. She'll let go of the neediness when she realizes she's not going to lose you anytime soon.

It sounds like you don't want to walk away. It sounds like you care a lot about her. Sometimes it's not the answer to leave. Sometimes the answer is to stay. If 6 months pass and things are still unreasonable, if you don't see it working out, then go ahead and call it off. But make it very clear to her then (even if she doesn't believe you) that you care.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Rodney

Wow. Talk about high maintenance. She needs _you_ there doing what _she_ needs you to do, _exactly_ when she wants you to do it. Otherwise, you're evil.

No healthy person can or should do this. No healthy person would _require_ another person to be that way.

I can't tell you what her problems are, but she has some. The tragedy is that it sounds like she really likes you, but she can't believe that you like her unless you totally fawn over her all the time.

She needs somebody alright, but not you: a shrink. Somebody to talk to who help her see what she's doing is getting in the way of her own happiness, and help her figure out -why- she's doing it. Unfortunately, that's not something you can do for her. You're too close. So you have to wish her well and disengage. Maybe she'll wise up eventually, as others have said. But don't wait for it.

Dungeon_Shade

I would stay away from her. She sounds like nothing will appease you, and chasing her will only lead to more frustration. Nothing else I can add, really.

__________________
"If you can hear this whispering you are dying."- Pink Floyd

Stompy

Yeah, I've talked to my friend's mom... who is pretty much the same way as J.

And it seems like they, for whatever reason, do things to start fights just because they're addicted to the drama it creates, or they do things to get attention.

But all the fights over trivial bullshit... isn't healthy. However, when things are good, they are good.

Naturally there are things in a relationship that two people need, and one of them is space. You shoulda heard the fiasco when I politely asked for a few days to myself. I wasn't sick of her or anything.. far from it, in fact. I just wanted a few days to myself to relax and do what I gotta do to get my mind off things (I was really stressed out at work during that time).

I was hoping she'd be understanding about it, but it turned into yet another, "you don't enjoy being around me." Ugh.

I think in the end I'm gonna have to walk away because I'm always getting the blame put on me, and while I do have my flaws, I believe she starts most of it due to her insecurities. It just gets to a point where I seriously question whether or not I was too harsh at times.

I do a good job in not letting people walk all over me, so when she pulls that shit, I don't budge. One time we were sitting together, all was well... when she suddenly brought up the issue with M out of the blue, just asking to start a fight. It wasn't in a nice way, either. She went from normal to complete megabitch in .5 seconds flat. I didn't want to fight, especially since I hadn't done anything, so I said, "ok.. I'm not dealing with this. I'm gonna take you home."

I'll sit there and question those things (whether I was too harsh or not), but at the same time... people have their breaking points. To be with someone you care about, and to get totally pissed off at them at the drop of a dime for something that was in the past.. it's just ridiculous.

I can see if it was an issue that bothered her and she wanted to TALK about it, but it never went that way. She'd just snap and get angry.. if I try to defend myself, I'd get the "you're just stubborn and always wanna be right". Kinda lose-lose.

One of the hardest things to do is realize this about someone you care about and understand that there's really nothin you can do.. and that ultimately you gotta just walk away because it's unlikely they'll change.

4 months isn't a long time, much better than having invested years, but when realizations come up like this out of nowhere, they kinda give you a nice slap in the face. It's really hard to deal with.

__________________
I love lamp.

Carno

Bummer situation dude. It's hard to give up on people, but sometimes it's all you can do.

__________________
http://how-to-spell-ridiculous.com/

5757

Woah! Don't give up on her yet! If you could walk away from your relationship with her, and never question whether that decision was right or wrong... then maybe walking away is the right thing to do. However, if you feel that walking away would cause you to doubt your decision, then in my opinion it's not over.
Obviously she is insecure. Help her. Make her feel good. (the dress) - You were walking out the door - but was what you had to do so completely important that you couldn't see her first!? I could see if it was truly important, maybe an emergency, but c'mon...you guys had been fighting for a while. In her mind this may have been a chance for you guys to see eachother and make things better. She may have been really excited to see you and looking for the mutual excitement. I myself would be upset if I didn't get the same in return. I think she likes you a lot more than you think. Her feelings for you are obviously strong if she is getting jealous over M. Maybe you need to have a talk about how you both (((really))) feel about eachother.

J and I sound a lot alike. I am in love with somebody that I pushed away. I did the same thing to him. Unfortunately it's too late for us. I assumed the worst all the time. I assumed he didn't care through the smallest things. Consider the small things that she gets angry over. Could you prevent some of those things in the future? Is it worth it to you?
One of the best things you two can do (especially you) is watch how you speak to eachother. Watch your tones. If you "hurt" her feelings, let her know that you didn't mean to. Ask what you can do to make it better.

It sounds like I am taking her side.... this is not true. Like I mentioned, I lost the one I cared about because I pushed him away in the exact same way. You have to let her know that you cannot read her mind. If the communication is not clear, then there will be no improvement. You can only take so much huh. Maybe through your time apart she will realize that at times she could have explained herself better, or she could have not overreacted so badly. (If you haven't taken time apart.....you should do that!!!!!) I bet time away from you will make her realize how much more she likes to be with you and your little imperfections as opposed to not being with you at all.

Hope this helps.

__________________
Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint, Forever in debt to ((your)) priceless advice. - Nirvana