Starlight4

I'm not quite sure where this issue would go, but I thought it might fit into living...

Anyway, my bf and I moved from CA to NY less than a year ago because I wanted to move out here for school. He hasn't really made any friends out here except for friends that he's made through me... like, he'll talk to my friend's boyfriend or to my guy friends and go out with my group of friends, but since he doesn't have a group of his own, I don't have the luxury of doing the same... in other words, meeting new people through my bf.

He's sitting online with two of my friends now as we speak. I guess I'm a little bothered by this... I mean, I know he has a little bit more of a difficult time making friends than me, so I don't mind "sharing" friends, but I dunno why it still irks me a little bit. You guys always have good insight... so I figured someone might have a good answer.

*edit: don't get me wrong, I am happy that he has other people he can talk to now, but, I'm just confused as to why I feel a little bothered. Thanks for listenin

veruca

My husband and I argue about friend stealing all the time...I definately feel you should have a group of YOUR friends and HIS friends and then COUPLE friends. we now claim people, and once they are claimed they are your friend exculsively..lol

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lindseylatch

I dunno, as long as they don't exclude you from their group, I think it's okay. Like you said, he has trouble finding friends, this is probably his major way of doing it. If he's actually stealing your friends, that's not cool, but if he's just hanging out with them I think it's okay.

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Sweetpea

We share, he has his, i have mine, it's not a big deal. We don't have alot of friends, but rather a small close circle. I've met people through him and he's met people through me . . .
It's not a big deal unless you really don't like to share and/or he is spending more time with your friends instead of with you? Sharing friends can bring up jealously issues, that happens allot.
Talk to him about how you feel . . . if it bothers you, let him know in a gentle way now before it turns into an actual issue.
honesty = good thing.


Sweetpea

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Minorci

Friend stealing? haha, come on, friends are friends, sharing common interests and enjoying one anothers company.

Starlight4

It's not even about friend stealing really... It's like, I make a lot of friends and they all ask about my bf. Whenever we go out, they always ask about when they're going to meet him and all that.. so yeah, when we actually do group stuff, it's with MY friends... and then after he meets them, they're all so nice to him... like when they send me packages in the mail, they address it to the both of us so that he doesn't feel left out.

As for me, I feel like I dont' have that luxury. Like, none of his friends ever want to meet me because he doesn't really have any. I guess I sorta feel like there's no reciprocity... he's gettin the goods, but I don't??

lindseylatch

Sounds like your jealous cause none of his (nonexistent) friends are giving you special treatment (or just common courtesy, or even pity)...I think you need to come to grips with this. It seems a little odd to be jealous of people who don't exist.
And I don't think of people doing thing so I don't "feel left out" as a luxury.

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abaya

Starlight, I sorta understand... you feel like you're putting more energy into both of your social lives than he is, and you feel it's maybe draining you a bit that he's free-loading on your ability to make friends? This is just my guess. I don't know if your feelings are good, bad, or neutral, but if you feel 'em, you'd better communicate 'em to your man. Are you telling him what you're telling us? In these (and most other relationship) situations, seems like the actual "content" of what's bothering you is actually less important than the communication of that content. Let us know how it goes...

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Starlight4

Yeah, this is part of the frustration that I feel... but I think I'm not going to let it bother me... I guess I should consider myself lucky for being able to make good friends who also care about my bf cuz he's with me. Afterall, at least I know that he has good friends considering that they were my friends first!!

martinguerre

honestly, i think you have a point. maybe it's moot...he's shy and doesn't really have the consitution for getting out and meeting a whole bunch of new folks. but it's good to have separate support systems and people to talk to. divided loyalties can be a huge issue...

i have a reputation as a guy who knows women fairly well...and a fair number of guys will come to me with relationship questions. i don't know if the reputation is deserved, or whatever...but it happens. nearly all the times, my first loyalty is to the woman...i knew her first and best. i'll give advice that i think is fair, but i won't hesitate to cut some of these guys off at the knees if i think they're being assholes to my friends.

long story short? separate friend networks mean that both of you have better support when there are tensions in the relationship. trying to share the same support network leads to people becoming middlemen/women, etc.

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pattycakes

you are going to school in newyork he moved there for you what is he doing? does he work allt he time? it is musch easier to make friends at school.

i have always made friends with my girlfriends friends boyfriends. we r guys we need to take sides thats all.

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John Henry

As far as the situation itself goes, blokes in general just aren't as outgoing as girls, so they just don't make friends so readily. Men do actively make friends to a certain extent, but it tends to be more passive - growing friendly with people you are constantly exposed to - rather than active - going out of your way to meet people arranging social engagements etc.

Your frustration with this situation may be more to do with the way you are subconsciously interpreting his behaviour. To you, your behaviour is the norm and his failure to conform to this is simply irritating in its own right, just like failure to conform to other social norms such as conversational ettiquette, is irritating in its own right.

From your description of the situation it seems that you also feel that he is somewhat dependent on you. An important part of the process of courtship, which is essentially where you still are if you don't have any kids, is demonstrating to your prospective partner that you are more than capable of looking after yourself. If you perceive that he is failing to do this and showing that he depends on you, you will naturally feel uncomfortable about it.

As pattycakes points out, it's very easy to make friends at school than at work for several reasons. He probably just needs to come into contact with more like-minded people in a context where he has an opportunity to socialise. Maybe try to persuade him to take some evening classes, or, as geeky as it may sound, join some clubs or societies.

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pig

i think you've got some solid advice thus far, i would say the following:

1. if it bothers you, it bothers you. don't try to not "let it bother you," because it's just going to end up bothering you. trace it to it roots, evaluate it, and make a decision.

2. it's almost definately a need for psychological space issue, or an evaluation of his ability to adapt at john h. said.

3. you may also have some conflict over your reaction to new stimili in a new place, and having your bf around from a previous location. hope that doesn't sound offensive, but i've found sometimes when i change locations i actually have a mild tendency to reject things associated with my previous situation, as i'm all about getting into my new place.

4. is his behavior now more-or-less consistent with his behavior in la?

edit: yeah, in general i personally think it's a good idea to have your own friends - maybe it just takes him some time. i can't stand being around my so (when i've got one, that is) all the time. after a while i'll start to resent them. heavily.

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Gilda

I have a small circle of casual friends, and my SO has a couple of close friends, mostly because we don't really have much in common with the other's group, and we have our "couple" friends.

Is he different now from before he knew you? I mean, did he have a circle of freinds before that he no longer talks to, or was a loner before?

If it's the former case, he really shouldn't neglect his former friends in favor of you. If it's the latter, well, he's being fairly consistent with his life previous to your relationship, and I don't see anything wrong with him being friendly with your freinds.

To answer the title question, I think we shouldn't have to change our fundamental nature to please our partner--if you were content to be without a group of friends before you should be allowed to be so after finding a partner. If you had freinds before, you shouldn't have to give them up. You shouldn't have to change your friends to please your partner either way.

JustJess

when me and the husband first moved to the area, all i had was his friends. they completely embraced me and took me in, and i hang out with some of them by myself at times too - and i would be the loneliest person without them. it's so hard once you're out of school to meet new people. i'm really friendly and outgoing, and i never thought that would be the case, but it is. over time (we've been here a few years now), i've met some of my "own" friends, but for a long time - like a year, i never would have had any kind of life without his friends.
it's not as easy as you think - definitely talk to him about it.

Pigglet - on a side note, I am totally the same way - and here I just thought I was crazy or something!

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cellophanedeity

I'm quite a bit younger than most of the people in my social group, so they had already "formed" when I got to highschool. I started off by throwing myself into the music geek/regular geek crowd, and it expanded. I dated one guy from the group, then lusted after the only other girl, and now I've been dating another for three years.

And yet, I still feel like "the girlfriend." It's hard to make other friends, when you like the ones that your partner has a lot. I guess it must be frustrating sometimes, as there's no one to talk to that doesn't know both sides of the story (which, I admit, is often necessary) But at least your friends like your boyfriend!

Could be worse, neh?

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Suave

Is he sort of taking all of the attention from your friends? Because if he's not, I don't see the problem. I have a small number of friends that I actually care about, because I'm not a hugely socially-dependent person. Your boyfriend may be the same way, and as a result I have to say you're probably screwed on the reciprocity level. I doubt that he's benefitting as much from this arrangement as you think he is, or that you are missing out on as much as you think you are.

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questone

Friends are friends, sharing common interests and enjoying one anothers company.

aberkok

I wonder...is this a sign that something else is wrong?

I know the way I meet friends is through my career. I go out to a gig, or to see a show (inevitably do some networking) and I'll meet a bunch of people (often colleagues), some of which eventually become my long-term friends. Things were much the same back in university.

Does your boyfriend have his own life? Does he have a job or go to school? Is he motivated to advance himself in whichever field he has or will choose? I find that friends are a side effect of these things. Perhaps you are worried that he is a lazy un-motivated bum.

I speak from experience. It took a while for my partner to find her own friends but now that she does, she's much more independent and happy. It allows us to each "bring more to the table" in our relationship.

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alec

ugh, i understand completely. i lived with my gf for 3 months, introduced her to my best friend, we broke up, and now my best friend and the ex hang out frequently. and it annoys the shit out of me. so basically, let your boyfriend be a homesick loser.