When does money become your s/o's concern - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

kollege_gal2000 · 11-08-2004, 02:11 PM

Ok, here is my question.

My b/f and I are serious about each other, but everytime we go do something money always comes into play. He thinks that because we are together then he has a right to control how I spend my money.

I believe once married, couples should have a jointed account because I do not believe in hiding money between married couples, however, we are dating (seriously) but still only dating.

So when do you think it is time to combine the money flow?

ShaniFaye · 11-08-2004, 02:48 PM

Can you give some examples of where he concerns himself in your finances?

The way Dave and I work it (we live together)

My bills are paid by his money....his by his money....I pay the mortgage on my house (its in my name) and the utility bills he does all the shopping and buys food, household supplies (washing powder, bathroom "stuff" etc) It depends on what time of the month it is on who pays if we go out to dinner or do fun stuff...it works itself out in the long run, if we take trips its 50/50 on hotel and gas.

We do not plan on a joint checking acct until after we are married

Mr. Market · 11-08-2004, 03:34 PM

You need to determine if this is a money issue, or a control issue. Frankly I let my wife handle the day to day payment of bills, etc., and I handle the investing. Not so much a matter of control as a matter of who's interested in what. We also go to a financial advisor that helps with taxes, investing, etc. I think that certainly after you're married it all goes into a big pot and decisions are made jointly. Best of luck.

gar1976 · 11-08-2004, 07:08 PM

All our funds go into a pooled account which we pay bills from. We trust each other not to spend frivously, and its never been an issue.

energus · 11-09-2004, 05:34 AM

Me and the missus live together and have a shared account. On that account we each pay enough to see us through for a month, that includes rent, food, gas, electra, water and other shared supplies (i.e. booz, washing stuff). Seemed like the most sensible thing to do at the time (and still does actually)

avhg1 · 11-09-2004, 06:20 AM

As soon as my wife and I moved in together, we started sharing an account. We never ran into any real troubles with who spends what or pays for what. I've always made more money and have paid basically all the bills. Her money pays for food and everything else. We each have our own business accounts, hers for Avon and mine for my Lego business. We don't really take money out of those, so there isn't much concern about them.

As for your situation, I'd be very careful of him trying to control you while you are just dating and not living together. It may be a sign of control in general and may move to trying to control other aspects of your life. Until you start sharing bills and purchases, your money is your money.

kollege_gal2000 · 11-09-2004, 08:59 AM

See, that's the problem. We aren't married, and we are not living together.

A typical situation.

We will be hungery and I will suggest a restaurant. I will even chip in the fact that I'll pay for it. If he is having money issues, he'll make a comment that we don't have the money for that.

The way I work is this: If I suggest a restaurant, I suggest it with the intent that I will pay for it, and I have money in the bank to cover the transaction.

We usually end up in a fight/argument over the fact that he does not know what is in my bank account, and he has no right to tell me how to spend my money.

I do understand that if we were married or even perhaps living together then ok. He can give me advice on "how" to spend my money. However, like I said we are neither living together or married.

Do you by chance think that it has anything to do with him knowing that I make more money then he does and perhaps it is a "control" thing, or maybe even "insecurity"

Advise on this would be great.

Mr. Market · 11-09-2004, 09:07 AM

I'm no shrink, could be a "control" thing and some guys are insecure if they make less than their wives / girlfriends (I always wanted to be a kept man, but that's another story). I believe that once married its not "my" money, it works best if it is our money. My wife and I have been married 30 years, some years she made more, for the most part I made more and am now making much, much more. But she carried the load when we were building our business. Money brings out the good and the bad in people. My advice would be to go slowly and talk out the issue. Trust me, more marriages fail because the partners don't agree financially than for any other reason. Best of Luck.

avhg1 · 11-09-2004, 09:17 AM

Your feelings are 100% valid. Stand behind them. I would think that it is one of two things, he is a controlling person or he is jealous in some way. Many times that I've had arguments with my wife, jealousy is the main factor. It's hard for me to see it while it's going on, but after I sit and list my reasons for my feelings, I see it for what it is. I've had to tuck my tail between my legs on quite a few occasions and tell her what a dumb ass I was being.

If it is just a control issue, you should probably see it in other aspects of your relationship. Does he try to tell you what to wear? Does he tell you who you can or can not talk to?

Talk to him about the money at a time that you are not arguing about how to spend it. I would suggest avoiding the terms jealousy, insecurity or controlling. They are likely to put him on the defensive. Who knows, it may stem from how he was raised. My parents were tightwads and I have a hard time avoiding being like that sometimes. See if he has valid reasons for feeling like he should be able to say anything about your money.

gar1976 · 11-09-2004, 07:52 PM

Shoot, just dating? Start splitting bills, or alternate every other date.

Justsomeguy · 11-09-2004, 09:18 PM

He probably just thinks you are stealing from him.

OR

If you let him take you on dates and buy you stuff but then you spend your own money on trash for yourself, the answer is simple. He likes you but is concerned about having a relationship with a golddigger.

kollege_gal2000 · 11-10-2004, 07:48 AM

Thanks for the replies. Spliting dates isn't a problem. We do that all the time, and no, I'm not a golddigger. I was raised better then that.

However, I will talk to him when it's not an argument and see what happens. I have to admit that we have only talked about it when the argument arises.

I know he wants me to "save" my money. That's the biggest thing he says all the time in and out of arguing. I'll talk to him, and let yal know what happens.

Justsomeguy · 11-10-2004, 02:17 PM

Np, glad I could help. He wants to marry you, but he doesn't want to have to pay for everything. Like the damn wedding for instance. And, like me, he is probably looking at other family or friends who has wives that can't save a dime, and he sees how crappy their life is.

I would reccommend breaking up with him now and to lead him on. However, if you do want a future with him, you should spending the damn money and listen to him.

la petite moi · 11-10-2004, 08:01 PM

Unfortunately, I am like your boyfriend on this aspect: When my boyfriend tries to buy expensive things, or many gifts, I freak out and tell him I'm disappointed that he's wasted so much of his money. Then again, your boyfriend seems out of line to freak out about just going to a restaurant.

(Also, my boyfriend and I are going to be married next year, most likely.)

kollege_gal2000 · 11-11-2004, 08:03 AM

Well, I've had a small talk with him.

He doesn't care that I make more money then him.

His mom spends like there is no tomorrow, and even though I am graduating in May with an Accounting degree, he is afraid that I will be like his mom because that's all he knows of women.

I can understand this, so together we will work through this. I will try to remember how he feels and not buy some things that I would normally, and he will try to trust me a little more.

Again, thanks for all the advise!!!

ShaniFaye · 11-11-2004, 08:24 AM

I would think as long as your bills are getting paid and you're not buying "things" and not paying your bills then its of no concern to him right now

Charlatan · 11-11-2004, 08:53 AM

kollege_gal... you should be able to buy whatever you want. It really isn't any of his business.

If you want to rack up huge amounts of debt... it is still none of his business.

It really sounds like this is his issue and not yours.

Justsomeguy · 11-11-2004, 10:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Charlatan

kollege_gal... you should be able to buy whatever you want. It really isn't any of his business.

If you want to rack up huge amounts of debt... it is still none of his business.

It really sounds like this is his issue and not yours.

I'm glad you feel that way. When you marry into a 100k debt, I'll be there to help support your belief. After all, It's none of his business although the IRS would tend to disagree.

It's a simple solution. If they're planning a future together, each other's finance would become a huge factor. If it's just dating, then it really is not his concern. He probably has trust issues concerning spending. Obviously he does based what she told us. However, we don't know if his opinions are justified. For example, are you buying stupid things? My girlfriend goes to Michael's and spends 30 to 50 bucks all the time on stupid craft stuff she hardly ever uses. My best friend's girlfriend makes huge buys such as $5,000 hand bags when they are saving for something. His family is well off so they can afford it, but I know people that are not so well off with a partner that has an itch for expensive, high profile items.

I had a good friend that was planning for a wedding with his girlfriend. She was going to buy an inexpensive car to get around town in. Instead, she got talked into a $17,500 brand new car. Was he furious? You betcha. Was he justified? I think so.

billege · 11-11-2004, 12:13 PM

Control and Insecurity together, I think.

You're not living together, you're not married. The words "none of his fucking business" come to mind.

Perhaps, he's uptight because the thinks you expect him to pay, and he can't, so he gets embarassed, and acts badly in reaction.

However, if you've told him, listen buddy, I'm a free modern woman with my own money. I don't expect, or need, you to pay my way. If I feel like buying dinner, you'd better be able to handle that. (If he can't, I'd find a man that can!)

If you ain't married, and you ain't living together (thus sharing expenses) is ain't "OUR" money, no way, no fucking how. The fact that he says "we don't have the money" confuses me. There's no monetary "we" in you situation. There's to people who do shit together. Paying for things gets decided each time you spend.

Tell homie to chill the fuck out, or fuck off.

Be strong woman. The last thing you need is a man who thinks he needs to tell you your business. In fact, fuck me!! Don't listen to me either! (wink, wink)

But seriously, my wife didn't need me to tell her shit about her money when we were dating. It never occured to me to tell her either. THe only time I'd even question her spending was the occasion where she'd be ready to buy something expesnive (dinner maybe) for us, or a birthday present for me that was pricey. At that point I'd ask, "are you sure that's okay?" If she said yes, that's the end of the discussion.

I respect my partner. I don't tell her how to handle herself.
Don't let someone tell you.

btw, I still gotta disagree w/justsomeguy.
It's not either partners place to judge "stupid purchases." If she's got the cash to blow on purses, that go straight under the bed never to be seen again, it's her issue.
As a partner, if you're serious about long term shit, it would be prudent to then bring up "hey, I'd like to marry you someday maybe, and XXXX worries me, because spending habits are hard to change even though situations change all the time." That's a good idea.

No one wants to partner up with someone financially fucked in the head. It's a damn good idea to talk about these things to gain understanding, but while still dating, it's not shared business.

Too many people presume they need to know anything about others finacial situation. In our parents day it was a rude ass qustion to ask about personal finances, today it's just more open. Which isn't entirely bad.

The best advice when serious about commiting, is that both partners know each other's expectations. If she hadn't asked him why he's an asshole, she'd have not known he tries to control her spending because he thinks women are idiots with money because of one example. (Which, btw, is LAME ass BS. I chuckle at people that build expectations of a group based on one example, that's brilliant, you know?)

She's studying to be an accountant, I'd be willing to bet she knows WTF she's doing, and I'd be looking to her for advice. But hey, I respect women...

Justsomeguy · 11-11-2004, 05:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by billege

Control and Insecurity together, I think.

You're not living together, you're not married. The words "none of his fucking business" come to mind.

If you ain't married, and you ain't living together (thus sharing expenses) is ain't "OUR" money, no way, no fucking how. The fact that he says "we don't have the money" confuses me. There's no monetary "we" in you situation. There's to people who do shit together. Paying for things gets decided each time you spend.

Tell homie to chill the fuck out, or fuck off.

But seriously, my wife didn't need me to tell her shit about her money when we were dating. It never occured to me to tell her either. THe only time I'd even question her spending was the occasion where she'd be ready to buy something expesnive (dinner maybe) for us, or a birthday present for me that was pricey. At that point I'd ask, "are you sure that's okay?" If she said yes, that's the end of the discussion.

You don't know their situation. So, to give any accurrate advice, she would have to be more detailed about the situation. As much as you want to believe she can just tell the guy to fuck off that may not be the answer. I pay for my girlfriend's food, help her out with car expenses, and help her out with school books. When I'm having to help her out all the time and then she spends her money buying items for other people(such as her family that does not even support her), it tends to frustrate me. If the situation is the same for this couple, how can you blame him?

Your answer may be, "Well, she isn't asking him to buy it." Well, maybe not. But, in my case I feel many obligations because I love my girlfriend. Therefore, I want to help her out when it's something she REALLY needs. I couldn't imagine telling her, "You'll have to do without food today because you're spending bad." And again, it can be very frustrating especially if the guy feels that he is being taken a little advantage of.

Also, I had a friend that was down on his luck. I loaned him some money because he said he could not afford to pay his rent. Next thing I know, he spent $3,000 on his girl for Christmas. Did he ask me to help him? Not directly. Did he spend his own money to buy christmas presents? I think so. But, I still think that was very shitty of him. In fact, I felt a little taken advantage of.

That may be the issue here. So, thats why you can't address the issue as just "Fuck off, it's my money." It may have a much deeper affect.

Finally, the guy may have a problem himself. In the past, I've been really disappointed with my girlfriend's spending. It wasn't because I did not want her to be happy and be able to enjoy her money. It's because I knew she was saving for bigger things. Things she really needed(such as a car for transportation) and wanted. It's not always just a control issue. Many times it's just concern that the person you love may have to suffer from a poor decision rather than a control or selfish issue. People make bad decisions, thats true. But, it doesn't make you feel any better.

Pip · 11-14-2004, 09:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kollege_gal2000

His mom spends like there is no tomorrow, and even though I am graduating in May with an Accounting degree, he is afraid that I will be like his mom because that's all he knows of women.

My mom told me something similar about my dad, his mother was always "ill" and for the longest while he had a somewhat weird reaction to ill people. But once he moved in with my mom and got some kids he started acting more normal. Slightly more.
At least he's now aware of the problem, and that's a good start. I guess he just needs to learn not all women are like his mom.

(Hardest lesson of your life, I know, not all men are like daddy either!)

Rinndalir · 11-16-2004, 12:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justsomeguy

It's a simple solution. If they're planning a future together, each other's finance would become a huge factor. If it's just dating, then it really is not his concern.

Agree. My wife is awful with money so I handle everything. When we first moved in together before we got married, I noticed she never had any money to give me for bills even though she was bringing in at least $1000 a month. Well I sat down with her one night to figure out where everything was going - $400 a month in eating out, a $200 shopping trip, $50 for a present for her mom, $100 lent to her sister, etc etc. She just doesn't pay attention to what she spends or weight it against how much she has. At first I just nagged her about watching her money better, but that never worked so we eventually decided it would be better if she handed her paychecks over to me.

Now I will admit to being a tightass about money. But we have a kid now and our long term goal is to buy a house, and before we can start saving for that we need to pay off alot of our other debt, credit cards and medical bills and car loans. So I don't feel bad at all when she askes for money for stuff we don't need and I say no, I just remind her that we have more debt than income and if we ever want our own house we have to stick to the plan. Not to mention we have to keep the kid fed.

But back when we were just dating and didn't live together I didn't butt in because it wasn't my business then.

ibis · 11-23-2004, 12:30 AM

I'd be worried about the control issues. Be sure to solve those before geting married.

My grandpa always said, "What's mine is hers, and what's hers is hers."

--------------------
On a different note, How's the UT system in your neck of the woods?

/threadjack

onewolf · 11-23-2004, 06:52 PM

Interesting, when I first started reading this thread, my initial thought was, "hmm - sounds like she's got herself a control freak" but then I got to your post about the healthy discussion you had with him, and definitely that made me consider it a very different way. If he has a spend-crazy mother, than I can see how that is a concern for him. The fact that he gets mad when he sees you spending, without knowing if you are in dept for example, might just mean that he is brought to emotion because of his contrast between the fact that he loves you, but he is concerned because he knows he doesn't want somebody who spends without regard to debt or saving, etc, which he values. Sounds to me like you are doing just fine by communicating with him.

Quote:

If you want to rack up huge amounts of debt... it is still none of his business.

This statement I totally disagree with, if in fact you are considering marrying this guy. Most domestic fights in this country start out about money. Going into a marriage without discussing money values, including comfort levels regarding debt and savings, is just plain dumb.

11-08-2004, 02:11 PM	#1 (permalink)
kollege_gal2000 Tilted Location: Edinburg, TX	When does money become your s/o's concern Ok, here is my question. My b/f and I are serious about each other, but everytime we go do something money always comes into play. He thinks that because we are together then he has a right to control how I spend my money. I believe once married, couples should have a jointed account because I do not believe in hiding money between married couples, however, we are dating (seriously) but still only dating. So when do you think it is time to combine the money flow? __________________ I am not afraid of tomorrow; for I have seen yesterday and love today!

11-08-2004, 02:48 PM	#2 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	Can you give some examples of where he concerns himself in your finances? The way Dave and I work it (we live together) My bills are paid by his money....his by his money....I pay the mortgage on my house (its in my name) and the utility bills he does all the shopping and buys food, household supplies (washing powder, bathroom "stuff" etc) It depends on what time of the month it is on who pays if we go out to dinner or do fun stuff...it works itself out in the long run, if we take trips its 50/50 on hotel and gas. We do not plan on a joint checking acct until after we are married __________________ *I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!*

11-08-2004, 07:08 PM	#4 (permalink)
gar1976 Custom User Title Location: Lurking. Under the desk.	All our funds go into a pooled account which we pay bills from. We trust each other not to spend frivously, and its never been an issue. __________________ Blistex, in regards to crappy games - They made pong look like a story driven RPG with a dynamic campaign.

11-09-2004, 05:34 AM	#5 (permalink)
energus Tilted Location: Alphen aan den Rijn, the Netherlands (find it on a map, it is there (somewhere))	Me and the missus live together and have a shared account. On that account we each pay enough to see us through for a month, that includes rent, food, gas, electra, water and other shared supplies (i.e. booz, washing stuff). Seemed like the most sensible thing to do at the time (and still does actually) __________________ Somnia, terrores magicos, miracula, sagas, Nocturnus lemures, portentaque. Horace

11-09-2004, 06:20 AM	#6 (permalink)
avhg1 Insane Location: MD	As soon as my wife and I moved in together, we started sharing an account. We never ran into any real troubles with who spends what or pays for what. I've always made more money and have paid basically all the bills. Her money pays for food and everything else. We each have our own business accounts, hers for Avon and mine for my Lego business. We don't really take money out of those, so there isn't much concern about them. As for your situation, I'd be very careful of him trying to control you while you are just dating and not living together. It may be a sign of control in general and may move to trying to control other aspects of your life. Until you start sharing bills and purchases, your money is your money. __________________ I shake the devil's hand daily... I'd do it hourly, but my hand gets tired.

11-08-2004, 03:34 PM	#3 (permalink)
Mr. Market Crazy	You need to determine if this is a money issue, or a control issue. Frankly I let my wife handle the day to day payment of bills, etc., and I handle the investing. Not so much a matter of control as a matter of who's interested in what. We also go to a financial advisor that helps with taxes, investing, etc. I think that certainly after you're married it all goes into a big pot and decisions are made jointly. Best of luck.

11-09-2004, 08:59 AM	#7 (permalink)
kollege_gal2000 Tilted Location: Edinburg, TX	See, that's the problem. We aren't married, and we are not living together. A typical situation. We will be hungery and I will suggest a restaurant. I will even chip in the fact that I'll pay for it. If he is having money issues, he'll make a comment that we don't have the money for that. The way I work is this: If I suggest a restaurant, I suggest it with the intent that I will pay for it, and I have money in the bank to cover the transaction. We usually end up in a fight/argument over the fact that he does not know what is in my bank account, and he has no right to tell me how to spend my money. I do understand that if we were married or even perhaps living together then ok. He can give me advice on "how" to spend my money. However, like I said we are neither living together or married. Do you by chance think that it has anything to do with him knowing that I make more money then he does and perhaps it is a "control" thing, or maybe even "insecurity" Advise on this would be great. __________________ I am not afraid of tomorrow; for I have seen yesterday and love today!

11-09-2004, 09:07 AM	#8 (permalink)
Mr. Market Crazy	I'm no shrink, could be a "control" thing and some guys are insecure if they make less than their wives / girlfriends (I always wanted to be a kept man, but that's another story). I believe that once married its not "my" money, it works best if it is our money. My wife and I have been married 30 years, some years she made more, for the most part I made more and am now making much, much more. But she carried the load when we were building our business. Money brings out the good and the bad in people. My advice would be to go slowly and talk out the issue. Trust me, more marriages fail because the partners don't agree financially than for any other reason. Best of Luck.

11-09-2004, 09:17 AM	#9 (permalink)
avhg1 Insane Location: MD	Your feelings are 100% valid. Stand behind them. I would think that it is one of two things, he is a controlling person or he is jealous in some way. Many times that I've had arguments with my wife, jealousy is the main factor. It's hard for me to see it while it's going on, but after I sit and list my reasons for my feelings, I see it for what it is. I've had to tuck my tail between my legs on quite a few occasions and tell her what a dumb ass I was being. If it is just a control issue, you should probably see it in other aspects of your relationship. Does he try to tell you what to wear? Does he tell you who you can or can not talk to? Talk to him about the money at a time that you are not arguing about how to spend it. I would suggest avoiding the terms jealousy, insecurity or controlling. They are likely to put him on the defensive. Who knows, it may stem from how he was raised. My parents were tightwads and I have a hard time avoiding being like that sometimes. See if he has valid reasons for feeling like he should be able to say anything about your money. __________________ I shake the devil's hand daily... I'd do it hourly, but my hand gets tired.

11-09-2004, 07:52 PM	#10 (permalink)
gar1976 Custom User Title Location: Lurking. Under the desk.	Shoot, just dating? Start splitting bills, or alternate every other date. __________________ Blistex, in regards to crappy games - They made pong look like a story driven RPG with a dynamic campaign.

11-09-2004, 09:18 PM	#11 (permalink)
Justsomeguy Insane	He probably just thinks you are stealing from him. OR If you let him take you on dates and buy you stuff but then you spend your own money on trash for yourself, the answer is simple. He likes you but is concerned about having a relationship with a golddigger.

11-10-2004, 07:48 AM	#12 (permalink)
kollege_gal2000 Tilted Location: Edinburg, TX	Thanks for the replies. Spliting dates isn't a problem. We do that all the time, and no, I'm not a golddigger. I was raised better then that. However, I will talk to him when it's not an argument and see what happens. I have to admit that we have only talked about it when the argument arises. I know he wants me to "save" my money. That's the biggest thing he says all the time in and out of arguing. I'll talk to him, and let yal know what happens. __________________ I am not afraid of tomorrow; for I have seen yesterday and love today!

11-10-2004, 02:17 PM	#13 (permalink)
Justsomeguy Insane	Np, glad I could help. He wants to marry you, but he doesn't want to have to pay for everything. Like the damn wedding for instance. And, like me, he is probably looking at other family or friends who has wives that can't save a dime, and he sees how crappy their life is. I would reccommend breaking up with him now and to lead him on. However, if you do want a future with him, you should spending the damn money and listen to him.

11-10-2004, 08:01 PM	#14 (permalink)
la petite moi Filling the Void. Location: California	Unfortunately, I am like your boyfriend on this aspect: When my boyfriend tries to buy expensive things, or many gifts, I freak out and tell him I'm disappointed that he's wasted so much of his money. Then again, your boyfriend seems out of line to freak out about just going to a restaurant. (Also, my boyfriend and I are going to be married next year, most likely.)

11-11-2004, 08:03 AM	#15 (permalink)
kollege_gal2000 Tilted Location: Edinburg, TX	Well, I've had a small talk with him. He doesn't care that I make more money then him. His mom spends like there is no tomorrow, and even though I am graduating in May with an Accounting degree, he is afraid that I will be like his mom because that's all he knows of women. I can understand this, so together we will work through this. I will try to remember how he feels and not buy some things that I would normally, and he will try to trust me a little more. Again, thanks for all the advise!!! __________________ I am not afraid of tomorrow; for I have seen yesterday and love today!

11-11-2004, 08:24 AM	#16 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	I would think as long as your bills are getting paid and you're not buying "things" and not paying your bills then its of no concern to him right now __________________ *I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!*

11-11-2004, 08:53 AM	#17 (permalink)
Charlatan Getting it. Super Moderator Location: Lion City	kollege_gal... you should be able to buy whatever you want. It really isn't any of his business. If you want to rack up huge amounts of debt... it is still none of his business. It really sounds like this is his issue and not yours. __________________ "My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars." - Old Man Luedecke

11-11-2004, 12:13 PM	#19 (permalink)
billege Watcher Location: Ohio	Control and Insecurity together, I think. You're not living together, you're not married. The words "none of his fucking business" come to mind. Perhaps, he's uptight because the thinks you expect him to pay, and he can't, so he gets embarassed, and acts badly in reaction. However, if you've told him, listen buddy, I'm a free modern woman with my own money. I don't expect, or need, you to pay my way. If I feel like buying dinner, you'd better be able to handle that. (If he can't, I'd find a man that can!) If you ain't married, and you ain't living together (thus sharing expenses) is ain't "OUR" money, no way, no fucking how. The fact that he says "we don't have the money" confuses me. There's no monetary "we" in you situation. There's to people who do shit together. Paying for things gets decided each time you spend. Tell homie to chill the fuck out, or fuck off. Be strong woman. The last thing you need is a man who thinks he needs to tell you your business. In fact, fuck me!! Don't listen to me either! (wink, wink) But seriously, my wife didn't need me to tell her shit about her money when we were dating. It never occured to me to tell her either. THe only time I'd even question her spending was the occasion where she'd be ready to buy something expesnive (dinner maybe) for us, or a birthday present for me that was pricey. At that point I'd ask, "are you sure that's okay?" If she said yes, that's the end of the discussion. I respect my partner. I don't tell her how to handle herself. Don't let someone tell you. btw, I still gotta disagree w/justsomeguy. It's not either partners place to judge "stupid purchases." If she's got the cash to blow on purses, that go straight under the bed never to be seen again, it's her issue. As a partner, if you're serious about long term shit, it would be prudent to then bring up "hey, I'd like to marry you someday maybe, and XXXX worries me, because spending habits are hard to change even though situations change all the time." That's a good idea. No one wants to partner up with someone financially fucked in the head. It's a damn good idea to talk about these things to gain understanding, but while still dating, it's not shared business. Too many people presume they need to know anything about others finacial situation. In our parents day it was a rude ass qustion to ask about personal finances, today it's just more open. Which isn't entirely bad. The best advice when serious about commiting, is that both partners know each other's expectations. If she hadn't asked him why he's an asshole, she'd have not known he tries to control her spending because he thinks women are idiots with money because of one example. (Which, btw, is LAME ass BS. I chuckle at people that build expectations of a group based on one example, that's brilliant, you know?) She's studying to be an accountant, I'd be willing to bet she knows WTF she's doing, and I'd be looking to her for advice. But hey, I respect women... __________________ I can sum up the clash of religion in one sentence: "My Invisible Friend is better than your Invisible Friend." Last edited by billege; 11-11-2004 at 12:23 PM..

11-23-2004, 12:30 AM	#23 (permalink)
ibis PIKE!	I'd be worried about the control issues. Be sure to solve those before geting married. My grandpa always said, "What's mine is hers, and what's hers is hers." -------------------- On a different note, How's the UT system in your neck of the woods? /threadjack