la petite moi

Okay, so...my mother has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. My entire family is worried that it has spread too, because she has a lump in her collarbone and urinary problems. She's 54 years old and hadn't had a mammogram since she was 42 years old.

Also, I dented my dad's fender when trying to get gas (stupid me) and so now I have to somehow find a replacement fender.

On top of that, my only courage and solace (my boyfriend- nwlinkvxd) has left for Hawaii for nine days. I could have gone, but I am doing summer school at the college.

In addition, I am deathly afraid of dying in a car accident or wrecking the car REALLY badly, so it doesn't help that I now have to drive twenty minutes to school and twenty minutes back home.

Anyway, it all just sorta added up and now I've been crying for three days nearly straight. I just can't feel happy. I'm so completely depressed.

So...someone please help?

maleficent

No law says you have to feel happy all the time. Sometimes a good cry is the best thing for you.

But keep things in perspective.

1. Your mom. She's got medical care right now. Breast cancer has a pretty good survival rate, and she's a young woman. She was foolish for not taking better care of herself, but that's on her not you. What you can do is support her in the road ahead. Depending on what the diagnosis is, it might not be an easy one. Just do what you can to make it easier. But take care of yourself to.

2. The fender. It was an accident. I could have happened to anyone. You aren't stupid for doing it. Don't beat yourself over it, a dented fender is not the end of the world. The responsible thing is to have it fixed -- which you are doing. It may not happen over night, long as you get it done.

3. Hawaii vs your education. While a vacation in Hawaii sounds nice, you are improving yourself, which is good, it's a good decision to get a jump on your education, especially since you want to transfer schools eventually. Besides, if you were in Hawaii, you would not be able to be there for you mother right now, everything happens for a reason, consider those summer classes a blessing.

Your courage comes from you, not outsides sources. You are stronger than you think you are. Rely on yourself.

4. Driving. It's a phobia for sure. Ask your self what's the worst thing that could happen, and what's the probability of that really happening. If you are driving yourself you are facing your fears which is awesome, it gets easier every day. Just take a deep breath and focus on the driving, your fears will lessen.

You might also ask about carpooling with someone, or keep a lucky charm in the car with you so you won't feel so alone, a picture of your boyfriend, a stuffed animal, something that gives you some happiness.

Hang in there....

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lurkette

Oh, honey...I feel for you.

It sounds like you're just overwhelmed, which is understandable, and every little thing is going to set you off. It sounds like the biggest thing (duh) is concern about your mom, and everything else is just piling on top of it. It's totally normal when something shocking like this happens for you to get worried about bad things happening elsewhere.

You might want to find a therapist or someone to talk to while you're going through so much stress. Sounds like you have some pretty overwhelming anxieties right now, and there are people who know how to help you deal with it.

Meantime, take care of yourself. Spend time with your mom and try (I know it's hard) not to dwell on what might happen. Don't avoid it or stifle it if you or she wants to talk about it, but don't let it steal your joy right now. Keep in touch with your boyfriend by phone, email, whatever. The fender is no big deal, and if your mom's diagnosis doesn't put that in perspective, then...well...it should. And about driving, either go see someone who deals with phobias and anxiety, or follow maleficent's advice and car-pool, though that doesn't really deal with the issue at hand, which is your fear that's out of proportion with actual risk.

Having gone through a lot of this kind of anxiety myself, I can't stress enough that you should try to see a therapist or something. They can give you exercises and tools for dealing with it that will make your life bearable and even enjoyable again, even in the face of all this stress. If you can't/won't see a therapist, try some progressive relaxation exercises when you're having anxiety: Start with your toes and body part by body part, tense your muscles as tight as you can and then relax them. So tense your toes for like 2 breaths, then relax for 2 breaths. Then tense your feet for 2 breaths, relax; tense your calves for 2 breaths, etc., on up till you get to your head. And don't forget to breathe. Deeply.

Good luck, sweetie.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

Yakk

Find someone to hug. A good friend, your parents, a teddy bear. Spend time with friends and family, and be happy while doing it.

If you have to be alone, find a happy-happy movie to watch.

While you are doing things to help your mood, try to fix the causes that you can fix.

If you are having troubles going to sleep due to anxiety, you can use physical activity, a meditative technique, or failing that drugs to help yourself go to sleep.

Deal with the symptoms of your stress one by one, and deal with the causes of your stress as best you can. You are loved, you are strong, and you can make it through this.

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Last edited by JHVH : 10-29-4004 BC at 09:00 PM. Reason: Time for a rest.

pig

My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer two years ago, and I've been exactly where you are. Assuming that there's nothing else major going on, I would guess that your sensitivity to the other issues is only a heightened response to your anxiety concerning your mother's condition. My suggestions would be :

1. Get your information about breast cancer in general, and her condition in particular. Gaining knowledge about the situation will more than likely give you a sense of empowerment. As Mal said, breast cancer treatment is one of the most well funded, well researched, and most treatable forms of cancer. People are fighting this every day, and your mom can too. Remember that your family is not alone.

2. Remember that there is no point in second guessing what she could have / might have done to improve her health or avoid this condition, other than to make lifestyle changes after she is through her treatment and on the way to remission. Deal with what's in front of you. I know it's hard, but when you've had the chance to to accept it you'll find you have more strength than you might have realized, and your mom is going to need to draw on you and your family.

3. In the same vein, give yourself time to accept it. It can be a rude awakening. Your response sounds fairly normal to this sort of thing, especially depending on your relationship with your mom.

4. Try to keep yourself busy. Exercise, read - but dwelling on it makes it no better, and you're the only one who pays the price. And I would back up the idea for seeing / consulting a therapist or someone else you can trust to talk to about it. The nice thing about therapists is that they have seen the symptoms of the emotional states you're going through, and often have standard coping techniques. This is all hearsay - being raised as a Southern male, we don't do therapists and counselors or life coaches or whatever they're called.


http://www.breastcancer.org/

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You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

Peetster

Wow, there is a LOT of good advice above me. I'm just gonna add the only point not addressed.

You wake up each day and decide what kind of a mood you are going to be in that day. So, tell yourself you are going to be thankful for all the little things that are going RIGHT in your life, and ignore the nagging bullshit.

It's a simple as that. Ever been in a great mood, and the little things don't matter? It's cause you decided to be in a good mood. Ever been an emotional wreck, and the little things seem like they are going to overwhelm you and swallow you whole? It's cause you've already decided that's where you want to be.

Choose positive, and speak it to yourself out loud. It will help.

la petite moi

Thanks for all the advice everyone.

One thing though, Peetster...That's not exactly true. For the last three days I've been trying really really hard to be happy. I wake up and think about something nice- but for some reason I burst into tears. I've watched happy movies, I've had loving sex with my boyfriend, I've tried being happy...and it was not until I just now that I've stopped. I think it's because of the headache. Heh.

lurkette

I think there's something to be said for choosing your mood if you're just having a normal day, but there's also something to be said for letting strong emotions run their course. I never cried so hard as when I'd been suppressing grief for my brother for a few days. I'd be upset for a week after it had built up for a while, but if I'd just let the sadness be there and gone through it, it wouldn't have built up till it was unbearable and was affecting everything else in my life. You have a reason to be anxious: someone you love is very sick. You're having a normal reaction in the first few days and weeks. Don't try to suppress it or ignore it, but don't wallow in it, either. And try not to be anxious about things that don't matter (the fender) or that you can't really do anything about (car crashes). Just go ahead and face how scared you are about your mom's cancer, and then do the things that are there to be done: spend time with her, research her condition, help her out however she needs it - listening to her, helping around the house, spending time with her. I know it's not fun to be anxious, but resisting it (as opposed to acknowledging it and then doing what you can to address the things you're anxious about) only makes it worse.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

la petite moi

I'm sorry about your brother Lurkette; if I may ask, what happened?

About my mother, it's been really hard to be positive lately. She was recently in Yosemite from Sunday night to Wednesday night, and as she got home I came out and said hi to her and asked her about Yosemite. When I was making conversation and said that my boyfriend got to go to Hawaii for nine stinking days, my mother replied: 'Well, some people are lucky and then again, some people get to have surgery for cancer.' I have been trying to talk to her and be friendly, but she just is so depressed I can't really get through.

lurkette

My brother was hit by a car and died about a year ago - I wrote about it in the tilted magazine if you're interested in details. We were pretty close.

About your mom, of course she's depressed! She's got cancer and she might die. I know it makes it harder for you to be around her, but don't expect her to feel any other way than she does, and don't expect YOU to feel any other way than you do. If she's depressed, say Yeah, you know, this really sucks!!! Instead of trying to cheer her up. Sometimes (in fact most times) people don't want to be fixed, they just want to be heard and understood.

Best of luck, hon - this is a tough situation but I know you'll come through it okay.

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

Peetster

I understand what you mean. I was intentionally simplistic to make a point. I'll do basically the same thing to make another point.

You have an awesomely strong support network, right here. You turned to us with a problem that has been upsetting you. Look how much concern and love you are getting in response.

Focus on that.

Bill O'Rights

I've written three responses now, and deleted all of them. There is nothing that I can say here that either hasn't already been said, or doesn't sound ridiculously trite. You've gotten some very good advice here.

Just know that I'm thinking about you, and sending out positive thoughts.

__________________
"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

MSD

I'm not in any way qualified to give professional advice, but I do have a good deal of experience with making people feel better, so I'll give it a shot.

Breast cancer has the highest survival rate of the spectrum. If your mom has a lump in her collarbone, it's probably a bruise, and almost definitely not related. Same wiht the urinary problems, there are a multitude of things thta can cause that, and all but one of those things are not cancer. The first sign of a spreading breast tumor is that it attaches itself to the chest muscle wall or spreads to the underarm lymph nodes. The doctors would surely have noticed either of these by now, and if they didn't tell her about it, you can be almost positive that it hasn't happened. If the tumor hasn't spread to lymph nodes, and hasn't attached to the chest muscle, it's most likely still in stage 0 or stage 1, which 100% and 98% survival rates.

It's prefectly normal for your mother and your family to be worried, as it is in any situation where a family member has a chronic illness. That's really what cancer has become these days, a chronic illness, not a terminal illness. Just last week, a new drug was announced that was shown to stop or shrink tumors in over a third of breast cancer patients who had previously been given less than 3 weeks to live. If a new medicine can do such wonderful things for people who had no hope, I'd say that your mother will be fine with nearly a 100% chance.

So, you also dented a fender. This really isn't the end of the world. A matching panel from a junkyard shouldn't cost more than a hundred dollars to replace. In fact, if you ask in the motors forum here, people will be more than happy to point you to the cheapest places they know of to get replacement parts.

Next, your boyfriend is on vacation. He's only gone for a few more days, and you can be sure that he wouldn't want anything more than for you to be there with him. Just think of how happy he'll be to see you when he gets back in a few days. Close your eyes and imagine him stepping through the door and giving you a big, warm bear hug and not letting go until the two of you can't stand up.

Last, there's the fear of driving. You've probably been driving for a couple of years, and the worst you've done is dent a fender getting gas. Nobody got hurt, maybe you were a bit embarassed, and it wouldn't have seemed like such a big deal if you didn't already have so much on your mind. Everyone bumps a light pole, or a railing, or even another car at least once in their life. You've probably driven that same route for almost a year now if you're at the same school. You could probably drive it with your eyes closed. If you wear your seatbelt, you can survive just about anything. Put on some relaxing music, take a deep breath, and reassure yourself that the only way to conquer your phobia is to confront it. Every time you get out of the car after driving, you prove to yourself that you don't have to be afraid.

When you're feeling down, just look at this smiling face . He's smiling right at you


The TFP sends you a great big hug from all of our members.

la petite moi

MrSelfDestruct, it is obvious you put much thought into your post and advice and I would definitely like to thank you very much for that.

As for the cancer, my parents say its a 1-2. I'm not sure what the survival rate for that is, but she's going to have to go through surgery, chemo, and radiation- which will leave her very weak.

About the fender, I already ordered one from a local junkyard place. They can't guarantee the paint job, but I'm hoping my dad and I can just bolt the new one on without having to sand it and repaint it. It cost 95$.

For nwlinkvxd, we've been talking at least twice a day (about thirty minutes each time), so I know he's alive and well. We've already planned on seeing each other when he gets home, even though he'll probably be really tired.

As for driving, I am pretty sure I'm starting to slightly get over the fear. I'm very nervous and scared of highway situations, when people start driving uncautiously and very fast. I haven't really been driving that much. I got my license in January of this year, and didn't really start driving until the 7 June. The reason for this is that I really didn't want to damage my dad's car (he seriously loves his cars)...and sure enough, I did. Luckily, he isnt angry. He just expects me to pay for the fender and find it, as well. sigh...

Anyway, thanks so much for your post.

Averett

I'm really not good at giving advice at all, but here goes.

My mom had breast cancer 4 years ago. She had surgery, chemo and radiation as well. She had a good chunk of breast tissue removed and she has a nice sized moon shaped scar. She lost all of her hair. Yes - the chemo will make your mom weak. It may or may not make her sick. For my mom it didn't make her sick at all. A little nausous but she didn't get sick. Apparently chemo isn't as bad as it used to be. They put medicine in it to counteract the sickness. Luckly she is just fine now. She goes for her check ups and everything has been fine. She had a lump about 2 years ago but it was just a bit of fluid. Had that drained, not a problem at all.

The thing that got my mom through it just fine was her attitude. She did not see it as a death sentance. She had cancer which has a high survival rate. She looked at it and was determined to beat it. She had such an upbeat attitude. She didn't let it get her down. Sure, she had her moments but over all she was upbeat.

Your mom needs to be the same way. Now, you can't make her change her attitude. Just support her. Hopefully she'll come around and realize that her attitude will go a long way with her treatment.

I hope this helps a little

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Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

maleficent

Stages of Breast Cancer
Stage I
In stage I, the tumor is 2 centimeters or smaller and has not spread outside the breast.

Stage IIA

In stage IIA:

no tumor is found in the breast, but cancer is found in the axillary lymph nodes (the lymph nodes under the arm); or
the tumor is 2 centimeters or smaller and has spread to the axillary lymph nodes; or
the tumor is between 2 and 5 centimeters but has not spread to the axillary lymph nodes.
Stage IIB

In stage IIB, the tumor is either:

between 2 and 5 centimeters and has spread to the axillary lymph nodes; or
larger than 5 centimeters but has not spread to the axillary lymph nodes.

As cancers go, that's actually pretty positive news because it means it hasn't spread to other organs yet. While chemo and radiation are not pleasant experiences for a person, these stages are pretty treatable.

Don't worry so much about cheering your mom up, she's gotta deal with this in her own way. And if you become too cheery around her, if it's not what you are normally like, you may scare her a little. (Remember those funny cigarettes you thought your m om was smokin' -- they're supposed to be really good to alleviate the side effects of chemo)

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yakimushi

You know, I read your post and just about fell over due to the similarities in our lives right now.

My mom just had a lump found too but they're still testing to see whats up with it. Its got me freaked out.

A week ago I fucking NAILED my dads Blazer and put a foot wide by foot and a half tall dent in the drivers door. I can get him a new door but the paint is faded due to it being a 15 year old S10 (that was nearly flawless before I screwed it up.) So I've been feeling shitty about that.

Also, my girlfriend and the one rock in my life is also leaving for Hawaii in two days. She'll be there for almost two months.

And lastly, the one dissimilarity between us is that I'm the asshole you have to worry about on the road because I drive too fast in a too shitty car

So I really sympathize with you and I'm glad there's someone out there that understands where I'm at too. Just keep plugging and don't overthink about all the things that are going on. It'll just freak you out and make everything seem a whole lot worse.

Oh, and don't forget to take care of yourself! Its easy to forget that when you're worried about other things and people. You won't be any good to friends and family if you're tired, stressed, and ill because you've been to worried to keep yourself healthy.

la petite moi

Wow! We are definitely in the same boat. I hope things are looking up in your future. About your girlfriend leaving for two months- that sucks! I've been there though. My boyfriend goes away for college, and so I only see him for two days every two weeks. I'm glad he's home for the summer (except for these nine days), even though he's working 8h-17h, monday through friday.

Alyssa

I'm the kind of person who internalizes everything that is going on around me...and when it builds up, it comes pouring out. Some people vocalize themselves and get it out right away...but I'm the opposite. Two weeks ago I was at my boyfriend's parents house. My boyfriend and I were sleeping on an air mattress and out of no where...tears came flowing out. My boyfriend didn't know what was wrong with me...even the sound of his voice kept me crying. I cried for three hours straight...and felt better by the next morning. I've had issues of getting over my ex...my current boyfriend leaving me for a month to go traveling and other college age problems involving friends and work.

I think crying is a great way to let out your feelings...don't try to stop it. After you finally do stop, you'll feel a lot better.