guinnessgurl

I don't really know where I'm going with this thread, but this has been bothering me for a couple of days now, and I just wanted to write about it all.

First off, I'd better give some background info, otherwise you'll all be lost. I grew up in a very religious family (my parents and brother are Jehovah's Witnesses). As recently as of this past October, I've been living on my own, trying to figure out what I want/need out of life (I left the church last February).

This time of year is really hard for me because all around me I see kids graduating, and I see their parents behind them all the way, proud as ever. I work in a photography store too, so I develop pictures of grad ceremonies and prom All the time! The reason this is all hard for me is because my own grad was such a horrible time for me. To begin with, my parents weren't even going to come to my commencements ceremony because my boyfriend was going to come (who isn't a Jehovah's Witness, and therefore my parents do not approve). At the last minute, he couldn't come, so my parents did end up coming. But my brother (who is only two years older and who I guess I'm fairly close to) and my nana and poppy weren't able to come. My parents had left their decision to the last minute and I wasn't able to get any extra tickets. So grad came and went (I didn't go to prom for a number of reasons, some of which were my own, some of which were because my parents wanted no involvement) and was basically a nonevent. You have to realize that since my boyfriend and I have been together (a year and a half now), my parents have disapproved and have basically told me, they don't want to support me in any aspect of my life (including grad, which occured during a time when everything was still very fresh).

The reason I feel so hurt by all this isn't because of my parents actions per se. I can understand where they're coming from. I grew up as a Jehovah's Witness, I understand their beliefs, and I can sympathize with how they must be feeling. But they didn't give my graduation any acknowledgement at all. And with my brother only being two years older, his own grad was such a recent memory that I couldn't help comparing the two. My brother was thrown a huge party in a rented hall where all our friends and relatives were invited. He received plenty of gifts (including a pool table from my parents) and was taken out for a special family dinner - the whole nine yards. Now in comparison, it feels like I didn't even graduate in my parents eyes.....no dinner, no nothing. As you would have it, I didn't actually receive a single gift from anybody (not that gifts are that important - its just the simply acknowlegement of it all) because a lot of my old friends had turned their backs on me when I left the church....

I don't even know why I'm making such a big deal out of this all, I guess I just feel like I've been let down. School in general was such a big hurdle for me compared to my brother's, that I just feel like I deserved something for getting through it. I guess you could just call it bad luck, but the way things worked out with moving (my dad got transferred) and moving again, by the time I'd graduated, I had gone to nine different schools (three high schools) which was very hard on me (on anyone it would have been hard). My brother on the other hand, went to four schools (that's just the way it worked out). So in my mind, graduation was quite the achievement for me and yet my parents (who were there through it all) did nothing for it....

So this time of year is tough. Its hard to see all that I've missed out on.....


*sigh*

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Don't go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail - George Eliot

Rubyee

It is a hard time on anyone, but especially someone who's parents are jackasses. Don't mean to offend.

I understand that religion is important, but for your parents to overlook an 18 year in the making achievement just because they don't approve of your boyfriend, for reasons that I also don't agree with, is a really horrible thing. Couldn't they go to the ceremony and sat in a different section of the building?

I also find it hard to swallow that your friends would also turn their backs on you because you left the church. From this example, it tells me that the people of your religion are very stuck up and judgemental- two things that have nothing to do with religion in my opinion. Please remember that I do not mean to offend, but am just commenting on the way your parents and friends seem from your examples.

It makes me very upset to see people miss out on important events in life due to the religious implications. I know many teenagers that attend my mother's church that were not allowed to go to their prom because of religion, but these children wanted to badly! And frankly, I don't see it written anywhere in the Bible that "Thou shalt not dance and hang out with friends." These are some of the greatest memories that teenagers make, and to miss out on prom and graduation sucks.

If it had happened to me, I would march right up to my parents and tell them what I thought of them. I don't know much about Jehovah's Witnesses, but I am sure it does not involve seeing yourself as so much better than everyone else that you shun your own daughter. And your friends- well, don't get me started on that.

It is a sad time when any religion makes people so self righetous- a big reason I don't attend church anymore. I am very sorry to hear that you had such a horrible graduation. I also hope that your boyfriend is good to you, because it unfortunatley sounds like he is going to be the only person there for you.

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You don't know from fun.

Chemical

I'm not good with words of encouragement but the next time I go to a bar, I'll have a Guinness on your behalf.

Cheers

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Future Ruler of the Galaxy (2014)

StormBerlin

Rubyee, I wouldn't blame in entirely on the religion. Unless the religion has something to say about attending events for family, then religion should not be used as an excuse for not attending graduation. I don't know of any parent that would set aside all of these important things because someone isn't dating someone they like.

You are FAMILY. YOU should come first, not some wacky religion, or who you're dating. This just shows where your parents priorities are, and I'm sorry because that has to feel like shit. I don't think talking to them is going to help either, because religion is far more important (read the sarcasm).

Don't worry, they'll figure it out soon. And hopefully you'll be the better person and still welcome them as family when that happens and not write them out of your life because of this.

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"if anal sex could get a girl pregnant i'd be tits deep in child support" Arcane

Peetster

This is a classic case of "Conditional Love". They will love you under certain conditions. Only if you practice their faith. Only if they approve of your boyfriend. Only if you be what they want you to be.

Sorry, dear, they really don't love you. Now that you are asserting your independance, they will continue to distance themselves from you.

The only thing you can do is stop seeing yourself through their eyes. Stop looking to them for the approval they will never give. It's time to see yourself as an adult.

Rubyee

You are right, there probably is more to it than religion. I was only referring to the fact that they don't approve of her boyfriend because he doesn't practice their religion. It probably boils down to pride. At any rate, there is no reason great enough to do that to your daughter.

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You don't know from fun.

Bill O'Rights

Peetster's advice above seems a bit harsh to me, but he may well be on to something. My own daughter will be graduating next year. I cannot, for the life of me, image myself missing it, or using the event as some sort of weapon to control her. Make no mistake here...I do not exactly approve of some of the dipshits that she's brought home either. But even so, never in a million years would I use her graduation ceremony as leverage to force her hand. Hell...for that matter, I even have every intention of sitting next to her mother, whom I divorced oh so many years ago. If I can make that kind of a sacrifice, and believe me, it is a sacrifice, well then...

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"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

Rubyee

Jeeze, Bill, you sound like my dad.

Dipshits? Isn't that a little harsh?

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You don't know from fun.

Bill O'Rights

Ummm...in a word...no. "Dipshit" is actually rather kind to a few of 'em.

__________________
"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

Rubyee

You had better be careful! Your daughter and I are close in age- I could have dated some of those "dipshits"!

None of them are from over here, are they?

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You don't know from fun.

guinnessgurl

Thanks for all the advice and encouragement everyone....I am started to realize that I just have to be my own person and be happy with the decisions I make in my life - in this case, that means my boyfriend - and if they're not happy with it, then its their problem and not mine....

*sigh* just sucks is all....

__________________
Don't go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail - George Eliot

shakran

yes it does. I'm glad, however, to see that you're willing to be your own person. Far too many would give up their own happiness in an attempt to make their parents happy.

I don't have much patience for parents who want to trash their kids just because the kids aren't turning out to be clones of the parents. As long as you're a decent person who isn't a crook or a jerk, they should support you in what makes you happy.

la petite moi

I'm very sorry your parents have such biased thoughts about people and can not love you for your beliefs.

Anyway, I hope you can see that your parents love you, no matter what, and even if you feel hurt and let down...they will most likely always be there for you. I hope things get better when you develop photos- you know, those pictures aren't always as real as they seem (i.e.: my mother took photos of me at 7h the next morning after graduation and I was exhausted and unhappy with her; however, she was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, so please, don't take the loved ones for granted).

Jackebear

Wow....sorry about this happening to you at such a young age. Graduation is a big deal and for your parents not to attend...I sympathize with you. You a growing up a lot faster than most and as a result you should think of doing it gracefully.

Be the best person you can be...go to college somewhere and excel at it. See the world, get a great job and don't worry about your family (too much). Finally, hopefully, someday they will see the light and realize their mistakes and come crawling back and ask for your forgiveness. I had a situation where I was on my own at 20, paid for all my own school, had lots of jobs, saved like crazy, bought my own business, did well and after 15 years...finally get along great with my parents. It took a long time but I am glad to get along with them before they leave this earth.

I wish you the best of luck.

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Life's jounney is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn-out shouting, "Holy sh*t! What a ride!" - unknown

Peetster

Sounds like someone just figured out what it means to be an adult. Good for you.

Redgirl

They are your parents and pretty much no matter what you will love them and seek their approval. And they love you and think they are doing what is best for you, misguided as it may seem. I wouldn't doubt that they love you.

They just sound a tad immature with how they are dealing with your boyfriend and your religious choices. I would look at it that way, and when they act like babies just act even MORE mature and treat them like the child and you act like the parent. Maybe that will help enlighten them.

But if it doesn't at least you'll have the satisfaction of knowing you acted correctly. What more can you do? You CANNOT let them run your life. They'll at least have to respect you, even if they don't agree.

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Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

raeanna74

Your parents sounds a bit like mine. Particularly my Mom. To her religion comes first in her life - even over family. She wasn't there for my daughter's first birthday, or her second, or her third. Even when I invited her several months in advance for the day and time I planned to have cake and icecream for her. Could she simply show up for it? No - She had other stuff to do. I could go on and on how many times she's blown me off for something she's doing for someone in her church or for her church.

Not only that - My younger brother was the baby in the family and was spoiled. She will throw money his way whenever he needs it but she rarely pays attention to any money stresses we have (even when hubby is incapacitated for 6 months and UNABLE to work). Sorry for any bitterness you may sense here.

Mostly I have determined to not let it bother me and not COUNT on her for anything. I have grown many good friendships with good people I know. Some who are nearly as old as my parents and Mentor me as a parent would sometimes. They are willing to be there for special events for me and my family and don't back out at the last minute like my mother. In a sense they take the place of family for me. They are people I love and who love me. I want LOVE in my life and if my mother chooses to give hers to church and my brother and I get the crumbs, than so be it. I will gladly receive the crumbs that she throws my way and turn to my friends for whatever remainder I may need.

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"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

anti fishstick

Religion and sprituality are different things. Religion is associated with social groups and all of the group mentality involved with that. Spirituality is a individual endeavor.

I find this to be very consistent with my dealings with Jehova's Witnesses. They despise "worldly" people (what they do, they say that they love everyone) and hate educational practices other than their own Watchtower and other in-group publications. I'm sure there are even more extreme examples out there, but for a major strand of Christianity, Jehova's Witnesses really stand out as being very close-minded. Strangely enough, they're typically really nice people. They often don't even realize how they're being close-minded and/or what is wrong with that. Jehova's Witnesses are a articularly fearful bunch because they think that the end of the world is coming very soon so they want everyone that they can help to get saved and in a hurry.

As for this thread's original post, I understand how you take this hard... but I would try to take personal pride in the fact that you did graduate and for yourself. I know many Jehova's Witnesses that haven't even graduated high school, and that is an accomplishment regardless.

And... I never went to prom because I had no-one to go with me. I think it would have been a lame prom, but that is one of those things that is already haunting me from my career in teaching. Either I'm jealous or bitter at times, I'm not sure exactly what to call it.

[edit: This was supposed to be posted by wilbjammin, I didn't know Janet signed me off before she went to work!]

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And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~Anais Nin

Skettios

I don't know a lot about Jehovah's Witness, and I"m probably extremely biased, but it makes me sad to think of someone treated in the manner you describe.

I hope you find your own truth.

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Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies.

Frederich Nietzsche

MSD

Your boyfriend was going to attend your graduation, your parents weren't, and your ex-"friends" didn't acknowledge your accomplishment because you left their church. One person in this whole situation is associated with you because of a choice that you made, the rest are coincidental acquantainces, and the one who you chose to be with is the one who stuck with you, even if he wasn't able to make it to your graduation. The rest ditched you because you wouldn't be brainwashed into thinking the way they wanted you to think. Fuck 'em all. With 20/20 hindsight, it's easy to see who is worth associating with and who isn't. If a common religion strengthens a bond between people, it's a good thing. If the bond is conditional on a common religion, it's not a friendship. If your parents won't even show up for your graduation because you're associated with someone outside of their religion (not that I said theirs, not yours,) it's no better than being brainwashed members of a cult who accept you based solely on conformity.

If your parents can't love you when you think diferently, they aren't worth being in your life. Move out, cut ties, give them some time to think about it, and if they still won't accept you and love you as a child without being allowed to brainwash you, don't look back. Maybe give them the courtesy of attending their funerals when the time comes.

Don't think that you have to be happy with the decisions you make, just be sure that you learn from them regardless of the emotion with which you look back at them. It is their problem, not yours. Do what's right for you.

denim

Easy to say!

Guinessgurl, I'm sorry that you're going through this. I expect that you had a pretty good idea that some of it would happen when you stopped being a Witness, but you may not have expected your whole world to turn its back. I wouldn't have either.

This is a time for you to meet new people, try some new things, form friends that will actually stick by you. I wish you all the good luck you can handle!

guinnessgurl

...to quote a few....

Thanks for all the kind words everyone! You've all helped a lot!

__________________
Don't go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail - George Eliot

jdjammer

First of all, I feel really bad for you, and I am sorry that you had to go through all that. However, it is done and you can't change the past.

Your parents sound extremely screwed up to me (or at least their priorities are). Family first!, no matter what all those religious freaks say. Family is real and there for you (at least they should be), religion is fake. For your parents to treat you like shit and turn their backs on you is unforgivable. Love has nothing to do with religion and lifestyle choices! They should love you through thick and thin, whether they agree with your actions or not.

This makes me so mad!!!! I got lucky to have parents support my decisions, no matter what those may be. And I really hope that you grow up and have kids where you will be accepting and loving of them, no matter what.

You sound like a great girl, and I just hope that your parents haven't screwed you up.. I may sound pretty tough on your parents, but they have no excuse for turning their back on you because of a stupid religion.

Good luck, and keep your chin up.

:::OshnSoul:::

Not having a healthy relationship with the parents is the most difficult thing to deal with- many mask it, but you are actually trying to conquer the feelings and thoughts you have- way to go. Don't let it eat you away, it can affect every other aspect of your life.
It is a case of "conditional love", that which we are not given. We've been given the boundless gift of Unconditional Love, yet man has devised ways to set conditions on relationships and events in their lives. It is hurtful, especially when your parents do it. Religions can tend to do that, it's almost like a brainwashing method. Now, I respect all religions, and every human for that matter, although it's sad to see that people follow what others tell them they should do/believe/say/accept/etc. For you, this is a message- an experience in which will eventually (if not right away) shine a light on who you really are. This is your time! Now's the time to ask yourself what makes you feel good, what works for you, what your dreams and passions are, and go for them! You are limitless and you are loved, don't doubt it and don't let others tell you you're not! You are what you tell yourself you are!