Alyssa

Sorry, this is going to be a long one, I've had a lot on my mind lately.


I'm in need of some good advice. I've been thrown into a no win situation between my girlfriends and my boyfriend. They don't like each other and I'm tired of being in the middle of their battles.

A couple weeks ago, I had a birthday. I wasn't planning on having a party or anything, I wanted to keep it small to maybe going out for dinner and the bars afterward. My boyfriend Aaron thought that he should throw me a surprise party with out me knowing (obvious). While I was unaware of these party plans, he decided not to invite some of my friends, (the ones that he doesn't get along with) but he invited other girlfriends that he does get along with. So a couple days go by, my girlfriends are getting more and more upset because of not getting invited until two days before my birthday, my friend Kelly came up to my boyfriend and I and spoiled the surprise birthday. She was angry and thought that blowing the surprise would be a great way to get back at Aaron. This made Aaron mad, Kelly was mad along with my other friend and roommate Alison.

I wasn't really mad at Kelly for ruining the surprise, I was just sad that she would involve me in Aaron's problem. I confronted her the next day and she apologized, but with a grin on her face which really didn't seem too sincere.

I later called and left voicemails on the uninvited girls phones and said that they were invited, but they never called back.

Well anyway the party went on, only two of my girlfriends made it along with a bunch of people I didn't even know. My birthday really sucked. I saw my uninvited girlfriends at the bars later that night and they ignored me. I remind you, I didn't do anything to deserve this.

My boyfriend is not taking any responsibility for starting this mess, he feels that what he did was fine. I feel like I'm the one doing clean up and my friends still won't talk to me. I feel like I'm somehow responsible. I'm really ticked off at my boyfriend, and on the verge of breaking up with him.

The other night I was writing a letter to Alison, I'm not good at confrontations, and thought the next best thing would be a letter of apology. Aaron saw that I was writing this letter and blew up, we had a huge argument where I ended up storming out of the apartment with a garbage bag full of my clothes. I'm now back at home with my parents because I needed a break from the shit storm back at home with my friends.

I didn't talk to Aaron for two days afterwards until he called me yesterday being all apologetic, but still not taking responsibility.


Is there anything more that I can do? Should I dump the bastard?

I go home tomorrow back into this mess, and need some advice as to what I should do.

newmanator

I can sort of relate because I was essentially incompatible with some of my ex-gf's friends. It's too bad that he won't admit to being wrong. Dumping isn't always something you can take back, though. If possible, why not keep your bf and your friends separate, like just don't hang out simultaneously?

kurty[B]

Ding Ding Ding, think we have a winner. I hate to have to do it, but quite often friends and close-friends will just NOT get along with your mate.

newmanator

Tell me about it. My ex said at least a few of her friends disliked me, even hated me, and certainly thought I was "weird." I'm much different than them, but she said a big reason was because of how much time I spent with her, which allowed them less time to spend with her, so it was kind of a jealousy thing.

Kaos

OK, now realistically...

Your friends want to be around you and hang out, and you want to be with your boyfriend. You may be able to keep them separate for a little bit, but fact is, there are going to be ALOT of times that both your friends and your boyfriend will want to be with you at the exact same time, and your birthday party is the perfect example.

Your boyfriend was wrong...dead wrong. This party was for YOU, not for him, not for him to have a good time, for you to have a good time. He needs to face the fact that all the people in your life (Whether he likes them or not) are in your life. He doesn't have to be really nice to them, just be tolerant when they are around. Your friends need to do the same thing, just be tolerant of him because he is in your life.

If your friends are ignoring you now, it's because they feel like a loyalty boundry has been crossed, even though it wasn't you that wasn't inviting them to the party. They will come around eventually, but your boyfriend really messed up and put distance between you and them.

I've never been one to tell someone to dump someone else. All I can say is that you need to assess if this situation is bad enough to warrant breaking it off with him.

monkeysugar

I think that your boyfriend screwed up, but I don't think it's worth dumping him over. Would your friends who were excluded have done the same thing, and invited everyone but him to something they were putting together? As Kaos said, he needs to be tolerant of your friends when he is around them, but your friends also need to be tolerant of him as well. Basically, he needs to realize that your friends are an important part of your life, and deal with it, and your friends need to realize that he is an important part of your life and they need to deal with it.

I've got a group of female friends who have done the same thing it appears your friends are doing. If your friends are anything like my friends, they're not mad at you, they're just using it as an opportunity to try to get you to dump him because they don't like him for whatever reason. This might explain why whe was grinning and acting insencere when she accepted your apology. This may not be the case, but it's something to keep in mind. If your friends are single and you are not, this could also play a huge role in this situation.

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copenhagen

lListen girl, if your friends will ignore you over some petty shit like that they are not your friends anyway. Fuck them, you deserve better than that. Anyone deserves better that that.

irseg

Add up the maturity level of your boyfriend for throwing you a surprise party but not inviting some of your friends, your friend for getting pissy and spoiling it, and yourself for wanting to break up with him becuase of the ordeal, and it just might be comparable to that of an average 8 year old.

Just my 2 cents.

qtpye4u84

Hey, gotta keep um seperated..hey..hey come out and play, oh lol sorry.
Friends don't have to like the person your dating, you should not get mad at them for acting the way they are. Just some ppl don't mesh together as well as others, tell them that you like him and you know they don't, so tell them they need to be tolerant (like said before ^^) and he needs to be also because if not some thing your not going to want to do, or like to do might have to take place.

I hate my sister and brother inlaw but I live with them so I keep all the mean things I want to say to them all the time in my minde hehehe if they only knew. I still go out to eat with them and do things with them even though I hate them and the way they are.
Its life, Bosses are the same way, you dont have to like them but there still there and you don't want to get fired.

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Schwan

Briefly: I'm with Kaos on this one!

j8ear

I'd "dump the bastard."

Using your special day as a platform to make statements about your friends. What a prick.

Honestly, boyfriends come and go, but friends should be forever. I think a realistic quality for any mate should be the ability to get along with your crew. Otherwise how compatible can the two of you really be?

I would also be done with the surprise spoiler. What kind of 'friend' is more interested in her petty insecurities then your enjoyment of a surprise? Someone who is not really a friend as far as I'm concerned...

imho,

-bear

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samiam

If, in a relationship, one or the other refuses to acknowledge the feelings of the other, then it may be time to reassess the solidity of the relationship. If your boyfriend doesn't understand the role of friends in your life and your friends don't acknowledge the role of your boyfriend in your life, you may need space to think through all your relationships and try to rebuild the important ones slowly, one at a time.

raeanna74

Personally I would want to have no more to do with any of them. None of them have considered your feelings in this or acknowledged any wrong. If they are true friends/boyfriends then they should be able to consider your feelings. It was your b-day for goodness sake, what did any of them hope to accomplish by ruining it for you? You didn't do anything to deserve the kind of treatment they gave you. I would want to start cultivating brand new friendships.

Realistically I doubt you'll want to completely cut off your boyfriend and friendships. You could give them all another chance. Sit down with each one and seriously talk about their part in the escapade. Make sure they know that you don't blame them for all of it but just one of them being willing to step back from the "battle" over you could have completely diffused it and saved your hurt feelings. You shouldn't have to choose between any of them. Forcing you to choose is immature and selfish and they aren't worth the hassle if they still refuse to acklowedge their error.

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anti fishstick

Situations like this make me want to dump everyone... You aren't a piece of meat to be fought over, this shouldn't be a challenge to see who can have the most power over your life.

Here's my suggestion... thinking about what kinds of relationships you have with all of these people. Which are worth it? Do you have trust? Any kind of intimacy? And are there strings attached? etc

It is up to you to decide what value something has to you, and that's a subjective test that you need to figure out on your own.

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diddagirl

Thats harsh- on both your friends and boyfriends part. Personally, I would dump his ass. He clearly did not even respect you enough to put his thoughts and feelings on your friends aside for one day- so that you could enjoy your birthday with them. He acted very selfishly and neglected to realize that it was YOUR birthday and didnt matter if his friends were there....... it was your day and he should have done everythign possible to try and make it memorable for you.

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Rodney

They're all behaving like jerks. If you want to stay with the boyfriend, you have to tell him what he did wrong, if you haven't already: that he should have planned for your happiness, not his. And why that makes you mad about the rest of the relationship: is he always going to think first about himself when doing something for you? You have to get an answer to that question. If he just shucks and jives, move on.

Meanwhile, your friends aren't any prizes either. Sounds like they're "punishing" you for not putting them first, which is also bullshit. Girls are way harder on each other than guys, so now since somebody or two in the group have decided that you've betrayed them, they've decided to freeze you out instead of setling -- which is what girls do to other girls to get back at them instead of punching them out. But it's really the same thing, and much more hypocritical, because your friends never have to admit that they're doing anything. They're just "too busy." If there was one true friend among them, she'd come around and at least try to hash it out with you. So the hell with them.

twotimesadingo

My own sentiments were fairly well summed up by bear, so I'm just gonna advise you to look up there.

Then again, raeanna has a good point; realistically, you're probably unwilling to just drop 'em all. But, it sounds like you're reasonably young, and maybe this is a good opportunity for a new start for you. Good luck.

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Alyssa

Thank you guys so much for the advice, I wish I could respond to each and every one of you. Your suggestions have really helped me sort things out.

I have been feeling like I have been putting too much time into both sides...to the point where I have had no "me" time. This jealousy thing between the two sides have gone on for seven months now and I'm sick of it. I am thinking that I need a change of scene with other people who don't want to act like they are still going to 'Sweet Valley High'

I think that if these girlfriends of mine were truly friends, then they would have at least called me up to voice themselves, but hey, I guess people don't run that way. I just hate having to hunt them down to confront their feelings and to try to make up with people that I'm really not that happy with STILL.

My boyfriend saw one of the girls last night when he was out and tried to apologize to her but she blew him off. She didn't want to hear it. He said to me over the phone, "Well at least I tried"


Again, thank you guys for your advice, this was my first post here at TFP.

jay-g

I think your friends are as much to blame, as is your b/f.

kurty[B]

Too true!

onetime2

Yep.

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Johnny Rotten

Alyssa, that sounds like the best of the tough choices you have on the table. Stress will make people show their true colors, and these guys didn't stand up to the test. Bunch of drama queens, if you ask me.

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