Friend and Pot

[miragetm]

Allright...this could be a really long post, but I'm going to do what I can to make it quick and simple. A really good friend of mine (I'm a guy, she's a girl) has become a pot head. Smoking 5-6 times a week, somtimes more. I've never been into the drug scene at all, and I'm worried for her. Whenever I try to warn her about it, or ask her to think about cutting back, she gets really mad at me, and it takes me a few days to even repair the relationship to the point where she'll speak to me again. She never acted that way before she started smoking, and I've noticed other changes in her behavior that don't seem positive either. So, I've known this girl for years, and at a time I considered her to be one of the most amazing people in my life, and now she's changed so much (in my opinion, largely because of the pot, or at least the "new" people she hangs out with that smoke with her), and I still care for her and am concerned for her.......so...what, if anything, can I do?

P.S.....it probably bears mentioning she is an ex-gf...we broke up about a year ago, but after that still remained close friends after a few months of emotional hardships. Things were cool as friends, until this pot shit happened.

[junglistic]

Pressuring her will not get your points across. If she isnt ruining her life to a point of no return, maybe just let her be and give her, her space. Dont become a father figure because trust me, you will lose her. Give her positive re-assurance that she does not need marijuana. Ask her if she really likes it, and why.

[analog]

Just be there for her. I understand the desire to want to help, but you're not in the position to be telling her what's what, so to speak. When the chips fall, they will fall, and you should be there to help pick them up if you truly care... until then, just try and be supportive in whatever way you can. I hate when a person finds something they like, like marijuana, and then takes it to an unhealthy level. She's in addiction mode, so just go easy on the judgements.

[Jim Kata]

"A really good friend of mine (I'm a guy, she's a girl) has become a pot head. Smoking 5-6 times a week, somtimes more. I've never been into the drug scene at all, and I'm worried for her. Whenever I try to warn her about it, or ask her to think about cutting back, she gets really mad at me, and it takes me a few days to even repair the relationship to the point where she'll speak to me again. She never acted that way before she started smoking"

First of all 5 or 6 times a week isn't anything to worry about. I wouldn't consider that a pothead. 5 or 6 times a day on the other hand is a different story.
Secondly, of course she is gonna get mad at you for "warning" her about it. Thats gotta be annoying and a total buzz killer. Its not because she is smoking pot, its cause you are telling her the same thing over and over again.
You have warned her of whatever you think you can happen that won't be good for her. Thats all you can do. Just nagging her about it is just gonna make her not want to hang out with you.
Good Luck.

[inkriminator]

Change is hard to accept, maybe you need to in this case.

[aurigus]

I wouldn't be too worried about it if I were you. If you are truely her friend (and hers yours) then don't try to change her. She obviously knows by this point that you don't agree with that lifestyle. It's probably just a phase that she will grow out of.

[MSD]

When friends of mine started, I told them I was worried and gave them some seeds, then told them to grow their own so that they wouldn't get anything laced with anything I wouldn't want to see them get hooked on

[The_wall]

pot is nothing to worry about, if she were using crack or herion or something you would have a right to be worried, but I would just let her smoke weed, its really not that bad for you.

[ashap]

Having been in your ex-girl's position in life, know that it is just probably a phase. Some people just need/want to go through something like that as part of their life journey. Who is to say it will last or that is is even an issue for you to judge her on? She is a responsible person and needs to make her own decisions - not all of which will be right or favorable from another's (your) perspecitve. You've got to let her live her own life. You can tell her how you feel, but make sure it doesn't come off as you telling her how to live her life.

[moonstrucksoul]

Originally posted by ashap
You've got to let her live her own life. You can tell her how you feel, but make sure it doesn't come off as you telling her how to live her life.

i agree, being judgemental with someone who is into drugs, definately won't help.

[seaker]

In my humble opinion, you need to leave her alone. The worst "friend" is the one trying to tell you you need to change. I have friends that have been smoking pot for 20 years (or more), they are quite successful in the general American ideal of success. It's amazing how many people I have met in my life that I would have never guessed they smoked if I didn't see if for myself. I felt just like you. I was not into the drug/party scene at all, but they are terrific friends and I wouldn't change them for the world. I believe The_Wall is pretty right on. Good luck...I believe in the end you will find out it's easier to accept or leave than fight what you think is the problem.

Originally posted by seaker
In my humble opinion, you need to leave her alone. The worst "friend" is the one trying to tell you you need to change. I have friends that have been smoking pot for 20 years (or more), they are quite successful in the general American ideal of success. It's amazing how many people I have met in my life that I would have never guessed they smoked if I didn't see if for myself. I felt just like you. I was not into the drug/party scene at all, but they are terrific friends and I wouldn't change them for the world. I believe The_Wall is pretty right on. Good luck...I believe in the end you will find out it's easier to accept or leave than fight what you think is the problem.

I am right behind this person. My husband & I smoke almost every night and it's just fun to enjoy and wind down together. I have never knows ANYONE who acts more negatively when they smoke weed. Besides, the changes they are making may be what they want and it is afterall their choice. Don't take this personally- I would say this to anyone, 1- you haven't experienced it yourself (not saying you should or have to), 2- don't judge a book by its cover. Weed is the only drug we do, we have tried others, but none are safe and enjoyable like pot is. If you care for this person, you will accept what they are doing, and still love them no matter what.

[alec]

yah pot rules, chill out judgemental jaos

-alec

[miragetm]

i should say i've smoked pot twice, so i'm aware of how it makes you feel etc... but what the real problem is i don't like the distance its putting between us. i'm sure i'm partyl to blame for playing the lecturing father figure to her, thanks for the advice on that angle everyone, i guess the problem is i don't want to hang out with her and her new smoker friends, and i feel like she gets real mad at me when we are together now because this new pot tension is always beneath the surface. i've tried taking a rather "do what you want to do" attitude, but it sucks because i have to swallow my opinions now too, and she knows i hate that, and i think she almost feels guilty for doing it to me...and ahhhhhghh, i gotta go study for finals....i just hope this whole thing is a phase.

[Sho Nuff]

The weed is not the problem. It may be a symptom but not the issue. When I quit seminary I started smoking weed largely as a symbol of my new philosophy and Ive smoked a LOT more then 5 - 6 times a week while working 40 hours a week and finishing school. It wasnt the best idea but it was an experience that I learned from. I eventually quit because I was becoming a pot head but thats an individual choice that I made because there were other things I wanted to accomplish that I just didnt care about when I was high.

Stay off her back and just talk to her when you can. Accept it and deal with it. She doesnt have a problem so far. Shes just experimenting. If youre not careful she'll consider getting rid of you as a part of a new identity. Just lay back a bit.

[water_boy1999]

I don't think pot is the real issue here. IMO, I think you aren't spending as much time with her and are jealous of her new friends and lifestyle she has chosen. It is probably harder for you to be accepted into her new circle of friends because you don't smoke and probably don't have as much fun hanging with them when they are high. Pot isn't bad in moderation. People have hang-ups about it because it hasn't been legalized yet. She knows now that ou don't necessarily approved of her lifestyle, but let her make her own choices, guide her along when she really needs it, nit when she is getting a little stoned. It's-not-that-bad!!!!

[rrf]

if this happened to one of my friends... i would be happy
its hard to find people to smoke with lol

:\

[amonkie]

Sometimes your friends are going to make choices you don't agree with. In my case, their reaction to my opinion was to push me away. All you can really do is make sure they know you love them for who they ARE, not the things they do. If you're lucky, things will turn around and they'll appreciate your support, whether they wanted it or not.

[Bloodslick]

To all those who defend her decision to smoke pot and cite people's success stories: Everyone did cocaine in the 80s as well. Many cocaine users were (and are) successful in life. It doesn't mean that they don't experience heightened aggression and other symptoms of cocaine use. Doing well at your job while being a pot smoker doesn't mean that you don't act stupid, have a shorter attention span, and eat more.

miragetm, if you're truly opposed to something that has become part of your friend's way of life, you can't be her friend any more. If one of my friends told me that it was their mission in life to eat babies - well, that's not the best example. I'd probably just keep an eye on the crib. If one of my friends told me it was their mission in life to convert me to Christ or Buddha or Allah or some such, the friendship would come to a quick end.

Sometimes it's just not worth compromising yourself to be friends with another.

[God of Thunder]

Well I guess I'm going to be the black sheep of this thread, but I disagree with most of you. And I have experience to back it up.

I'm not going to preach the fouls of drug use here. I've smoked myself.

My point is, it you really care about this person and want to see them quit, don't stop trying. Do whatever it takes to get in between this person and the drugs. She may hate you, so what. Don't stop until she's clean.

My experience: My best friend throughout school had a problem. He smoked about 5-6 timeas a week to begin with. He drank too. Weed led to coke and probably other things too.

After college we just kinda drifted apart. He was into drugs, I wanted to move on with my life. He was a gifted drummer and joined a few bands, but never lasted because of the abuse.

We ran into each other a few times during the years but nothing ever changed, no matter what I said to him, so I gave up.

I wish I could go back and change it. I wish I could have stopped him from ruining his life. He probably would have made a name for himself in the music industry.

Most of all, I wish I had went to his funeral last year, but I felt like a schmuck for not going. I felt like I let him down somehow by not stopping him. I know there were other people who could had stopped him too, but I was his best friend.


Joel Malin - June 29, 1969 - August 5, 2002

[yournamehere]

I would make plans to meet with her, alone, for a short period. Start off by telling her how you feel about her (not what she does - who she is), and how much you care about her.
Then, when it gets time to get into the details - preface your comments with something like, "Please try to not get defensive for a few minutes, but I need to talk to you about something." Then say what you need to say, in a supportive manner. Then give her a hug, get up, and walk away so she has no choice but to let the words sink in. Whatever you do - don't get into an argument over it.
That's all you can do as a friend - let her know you're concerned. Don't try to be like a parent and force anything on her.
Then let her make her choices, and realize you're not responsible for them, or her.

Just remember, she has her own free will- you should respect that. Kindly let her know of your uncomfortableness with it, but don't push her to do anything.
Sounds like she may be finding an outlet of independence and freedom right now. Maybe it's not the smartest choice, but she will figure it out. If you love something, you let it go.

[31Friction]

hmmm, so are you flipping out when any of your friends drinks a rum and coke?

even 10 times a week doesnt make a person a pot head. Keep pushing and pushing away is all you will accomplish....

[Homey_V]

Im inclined to agree with most people here.
Constantly warning her about it will do nothing. She's already made her choice, warning will just piss her off and make her angry at you. Let it be, and still be her friend. If she wants to hang out, then hang out. If she whips out the weed, just walk away and tell her you dont want to smoke it, but if she does, cool. Whatever you dont, dont try and get her to stop. She has to make that decision herself.

[bermuDa]

some changes are hard, but sometimes they have to happen to mature people. Let her make her own mistakes, and if she realizes what a mess she's gotten herself into, let her know that you'll be there to help her out of it.

[orange monkeyee]

THis works. smoke with her a few times. smoke with her and start bogarting the bowl or joint, she'll get pissed about it and wont smoke with you anymore cuz you hog the joint/ bowl, then she won't smoke around you anymore cuz she knows you'll bogart the bowl.

[st33lr4t]

first off i a pot head cant be determined with the number of times you smoke.

now me and my women who have been together for the last 1.5 yrs and have been living with eachother for about a month now are pretty much in the same situation as yourself. i for one am a pot head and she has never smoked pot.

is your problem that she is high around you? is it the atmosphere because of the friends? or is it just the fact she smokes pot?

my women knew from day one i was a pothead and hated it. it was pretty much i was gonna smoke and that was all there was to it...and she didnt want to be around anyone that smoked pot and that was all there was to it. so we were about to end our relationship...but we both wanted to be with one another. sounds kinda like your situation. we had discussed why i wanted to smoke and why she didnt want to be around that world. this went on for months until we truely understood both sides point of view...so now the only time im high is when we are apart. this meant i cut down drastically how much i smoke. and this also meant she is fine if i wanna go get high as long as its not cutting into "our time".

i think you need to get to the root of this issue. if she is just evolving as a person she may not give up pot for a long time. if you two want to keep your relationship i think you need to accept the fact she smokes...and she needs to accept the fact you dont like pot. if you are going to be together you both need to come to the table with a pot free attitude...when you are together dont have in your mind the fact she smokes pot...and she cant have in her mind you are against her smoking pot. i think you both need a pot free environment when you two are together. then when you arent you can do whatever you want.

are you two just growing apart as people?

ps. you mentioned you smoked twice and know what its like...well its different for all people so you might not be experiencing what she is...plus you all ready have this hang up on pot which probably didnt help.