Guilt

[Cynthetiq]

We all have some sort of guilt in our lives. Some of it is real, some of it is self manifested. I went to a seminar for lunch yesterday and didn't have time to share this with the group. I have to remember that saying NO has no guilt attached to it. If someone asks me and I have a true choice, then saying NO has no strings, no guilt. It's just what it is. As for the food on the plate. I cover it with my napkin. It may look funny, but if I don't see it I don't feel guilty and keep picking at it.

Anyone else out there managing guilt in their lives well?

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Understanding Guilt: Cause and Effects:

Guilt is the emotion we feel when we think we’ve done something we’re not supposed to do, or haven’t done something we should have. It’s an emotion we’ve experienced since early in our lives. If you’ve ever seen the look on a child’s face when he or she feels guilty, you can understand what a basic and natural emotion it is. The child’s eyes are downcast and avoid you. The child feels bad. These tips will help you understand what guilt is, why it’s useful in some situations and why habitual guilt can be destructive.

Guilt Helps Form Us
Guilt is a bad feeling and an effective teacher. As children, most of us felt guilty when we misbehaved. We wanted to avoid that bad feeling, so must of us learned to follow the rules set out for us. That’s one of the ways our behavior was shaped. In this way, guilt plays a part in learning right from wrong.

Habitual Guilt
As adults, we still have to follow the rules. Many of these laws such as traffic laws are impost for personal safety. Some rules, however, become inappropriate for adults and we get stuck in a childish habit because we feel guilty if we do something different.

For example, many of us grew up with our parent telling us we had to finish all the food on our dinner plate. Our parents played on our childish guilt by reminding us of all the starving children who didn’t have dinner. So we ate what we didn’t like and we ate when we were no longer hungry. Stated simply we learned to eat so that we wouldn’t feel guilty. As a result, many adults are in the habit of eating every bite of food on their dinner plate, whether they’re still hungry. Guilt has shaped the habit.

Overcoming Habitual Guilt
You can overcome habitual guilt by examining the guilt making situation the next time it occurs. Do you feel guilty because you’re sorry you did something? Or is the guilty feeling a result of habits? Adults have the right and the responsibility to make their own decisions. By analyzing the situations that cause you to feel guilt, you might be able to eliminate some unnecessary bad feelings from your emotional responses.

Tips on Managing Guilt:

When Guilt Strikes:

• Fell the feeling, calm the panic, don't run away
  observe when guilt strikes the hardest
  Make personal expectations more realistic
  Take steps to change behaviour when guilt is warranted

Prescription: Take Steps to Manage Your Guilt

• Assess the situation
  Check out yourself, your emotions, your thinking , your tendencies
  Notice the role of others in the situation
  What is the reality of the situation?
  Is there a solution or strategy? If so, Take Action
  Evaluate how you are managing your guilt
  Acknowledge your successes.

[Kyo]

Without a conscience, guilt is not an issue - but I wonder if there are other ways to remove guilt from the equation altogether. I suppose a really big ego might do it. Something to chew on, anyway.

[lurkette]

I don't know about managing it well but I am managing it.

I think I tend to use feeling guilty as a substitute for action:

Doing something wrong or not doing something right + feeling guilty = lurkette is still a good person, because she feels bad about being baaaaaaad.

This means I don't have to do anything besides feel guilty.

Lately, I've been trying to see what actions I can take that would have me not feel guilty and would still have me be happy with myself.

So, for instance, I eat a bowl of ice cream I shouldn't have. Instead of feeling guilty, I'll eat salad for dinner or go to the gym.

I don't give a homeless guy money. Instead of feeling guilty about it, I give money to the local homeless shelter, or call up and volunteer.

I bought a new pair of shoes I didn't need. I give one of my older but still nice pair of shoes to the Goodwill.

Not only do I end up doing good things, but I spare myself the useless anguish of feeling guilty but not really changing anything.

[Mutineer]

Originally posted by lurkette
Not only do I end up doing good things, but I spare myself the useless anguish of feeling guilty but not really changing anything.

This is an idea for me to give more thought to. Nicely phrased, thank you, Lurkette.

Cynthetiq, thank you for sharing the info on guilt. I especially like the idea that although guilt is a bad feeling, it is an effective teacher.

[chavos]

one thing that doesn't get mentioned in the article is looking out for those who seem to sell you guilt at every opportunity:

"If you loved me, you would..."

I rarely feel guilty over personal stuff-the bowl of ice cream, etc...but when it comes to letting down the people around me, i'm pretty prolific with feeling the guilt.

[Cynthetiq]

Chavos, I think that it's coverd by the habitual guilt, left over from childhood type, "if you loved mommy you wouldn't do this..."

letting friends and familiy down is a hard thing to deal with... just how do you deal with it?

[Rodney]

Originally posted by Cynthetiq
Chavos, I think that it's coverd by the habitual guilt, left over from childhood type, "if you loved mommy you wouldn't do this..."

letting friends and familiy down is a hard thing to deal with... just how do you deal with it?

My dad was an emotional blackmailer. Started when I was a toddler. Everytime he wanted me to do something he'd make out like he'd be hurt if I didn't. That kind of guilt works real well on a little child. By the time I got to the teenage years, whenever he'd start out with, "If you loved your father...." I'd answer, "YEAH? WHAT? WHAT?" He would never finish. He knew he was out of line.

I do feel maybe too responsible for things that happen around me in the world, and sometimes think that if I had done something a little better, bad things might not have happened; this isn't always realistic. But boy, I've got emotional blackmail nailed to the wall. I can sniff it a mile away. And when somebody hands it to me, I always.... hand it back.

[Cynthetiq]

that's great Rodney...

I personally do the same. I'm not letting someone take me hostage via guilt.

[Kyo]

A part of it, at least for me, is determining what is worth feeling guilty about. I almost never give money to homeless people that I pass on the street - but I never feel guilty about it, because I don't consider it something that I should/am obligated to do. Emotional blackmail has never worked on me because I was selfish when I was young - and now have a clear picture of what needs to be done, rather than what others want me to do.

As a disclaimer, I realize I am in a privileged position in life: no one depends on me, I am responsible to and for myself, and I have no special obligations towards anyone (besides being a decent human being). Everything I do is for myself - and always has been. While I was still in grade school, my parents were like any other - my bad performance was somehow affecting them, and I was doing something terrible to them. But I never bought that, because I always believed that I was in school for myself - to build myself a better future, not to make my parents happy.

[cherylcannady]

Guilt... I was raised on it. I was just talking with Mr.S about this the other day. I was always a very well behaved child due to guilt. The two times I was actually spanked, my mom told me that I made Jesus sad by doing something inappropriate. I would cry harder about making Jesus sad than the actual spanking from the powpow paddle.

Then it all backfired on my mom. Somewhere before junior high, I learned that if I didn't tell my mom everything, I wouldn't be made to feel guilty. So I led a very duplicitous life for years... still kind of do. If I wouldn't have had such a traumatic correlation between talking to my mom about difficult things and feeling intense shame and guilt, I probably wouldn't have started having sex so soon, and I probably wouldn't have gotten into so much trouble that she still doesn't know about.

I've dealt with guilt all my life by avoiding sources of guilt. For instance, I have an intense phobia of checking my mailbox. I hate getting bills that I know I can't pay. I end up feeling really ashamed and usually throw up right before or after the actual picking up of my mail. It's a whole bunch easier for me to have Mr.S get the mail and then read it for me.

Now, I usually only feel guilty about the little things. Like letting the dishes pile up all over the house, like not doing my laundry, like not paying off my library fines and/or returning the damn books, etc. I find myself avoiding all those tasks because if I've let them get to the point of distastefulness, I feel really ashamed even if I do them.

[ratbastid]

I don't "do" guilt, at least not when I'm conscious of how I'm being. I just wrote a journal entry about this, which I suspect may have contributed to you starting this thread, Cyn. For me, guilt is something I pull out to reaffirm that I'm a good person. See my journal for more about that. Bottom line, guilt doesn't change my behavior, it just validates that I'm okay, because I feel bad about doing bad.

I think I'd disagree that guilt is a good teacher. Mostly guilt shuts us down, stops us from taking risks, keeps us playing safe and small. In my opinion, guilt is a bad teacher. We human beings are very quick to believe things that shrink us, and it's hard for us to hear, believe, and stick with the things that have us grow. Guilt shrinks us.

[ARTelevision]

well, since you asked,
I'm guilt free.
It feels great.
It's not that I don't suck sometimes.

That's all there is to it...

[toxic515]

Guilt is often the result of simply not having thought a situation through. terribly trite statement, I know, but also true. If you are aware and have considered the results of your actions correctly, then guilt should never be an issue. Guilt is a form of fear. Fear is the opposite of living. (yoda yoda yoda). Seriously, face guilt, face fear. Identify a situation where you can change things, and do so, or find what you may have done better, and do it better next time. Everyone makes errors. There really is no place for guilt over an error. There is a place for a correction. Don't waste precious time with the fear when it doesn't serve you. Go on and live. It really is that simple, but only when you can identify and place those feelings where they belong. My life is too short and difficult for fear or guilt or regret. I paid the apologies I owed, fix the errors that I make, and continue moving forward. I'd rather spend my time on JOY and production.

My mother could be a travel agent selling guilt trips. I quit buying. She doesn't bother with it any more.. She tried, she tried making me think I was a bad guy for not accepting the portions she dealt. At some point the realization hit me that I was the one in control of that. I am the one who is responsible to perceive reality. That makes my whole family nervous, because if they bring an issue to me (and they do) they must be prepared to answer the REAL questions. In reality, guilt doesn't serve me any longer. Retrospective thought, introspective consideration, and awareness serve me far better.

[numist_net]

I used to have incredibly disabling guilt problems after the suicide of my first g/f (while we were still dating).

Needless to say, I had the dreams, the 'what if's' and the periods where I found myself unable to do anything except self destruct. This went on for 3 years.

Then, I let myself go for just a short time, and fell in love with a friend of mine, who is still my love now, and who has done me wonders in recovery.

Sure, I still feel guilt over it, but it is very seldom that I fall into a hole and am unable to get out, and in the off-chance that I do, my SO is always there for me, as we have always been for each other.

Most of my guilt follows that line, and although I'm told its unwarranted, its just so hard to make myself believe it.

Sometimes I feel guilty just being human...

[Seeker]

*Bump*

Guilt.. this is a huge issue for me. I must say that I agree with Ratbastid's post (all that time ago...). It's a shrinking emotion, but like some of the other posters here, I think guilt is something that can be dreadfully difficult to get over.

The reason I was searching this topic is I feel there are people (myself included) that feel guilty when we personally need support or help in times of trouble. Why do we feel so guilty and bad about ourselves when we are down, low, depressed... sad. What happened here? Why do we feel so ashamed. Not just because we feel like that, but to also admit we need some help or support. Why is it so shameful? I realise nobody likes those who are pessimistic, but how do we differentiate between times when we are down for just reason and a perceived life perspective?

I tend to withdraw when I'm low, I fall off the face of the earth for a while. My family have become used to this, and often I find it's the best way because usually, nothing they can say or do will help pull me out of the slump. I try to accept how I'm feeling and run with it for a bit. A couple of times recently I've even remembered that being in a low has advantages. It helps you to focus through different eyes, and enables you to see things you may miss when everything is running well.

Still... guilt is an issue in my life. I am still working on getting over some of the ways it effects me. *sigh*

[Gilda]

I've been working hard for a long time to get over guilt issues.

For not telling someone about my aunt and uncle.
For surviving the car accident that killed my sister.
For the self-destrictive behaviors I engaged in in my late teens and early 20's.
For not leaving the men who abused me.
For being gay.

I recognize intellectually that I'm not responsible for my uncle's behavior, my sister's death, or my sexual orientation. Despite this, I can't let go of that little voice in the back of my head telling me that if I'd done certain things differently, my sister would be alive, or my uncle would have been in prison much earlier.

More difficult are the behaviors I willingly, knowingly, engaged in. I am responsible for those choices, so I deserve the guilt I feel about having made them. It's one of the issues I talk to my therapist about.

The food thing seems silly to me. Even as a child, I could see that whether I ate the food on my plate had nothing to do with starving children elsewhere. I'm not helping anyone by overeating. An easy solution is to put less than you intend to eat on your plate to begin with, then get more if you're still hungry. I wonder why it is that parents make their children eat when they're no longer hungry? Outside of anorectics, that makes no sense.

Gilda

[Cynthetiq]

interesting I was just thinking about this very thread this morning...

dealing with some guilt about my own wants and desires lately...having to remind myself that wanting nice things for myself doesn't mean that I don't care about the world at large, homeless, poor, et al.