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Guilt... I was raised on it. I was just talking with Mr.S about this the other day. I was always a very well behaved child due to guilt. The two times I was actually spanked, my mom told me that I made Jesus sad by doing something inappropriate. I would cry harder about making Jesus sad than the actual spanking from the powpow paddle.
Then it all backfired on my mom. Somewhere before junior high, I learned that if I didn't tell my mom everything, I wouldn't be made to feel guilty. So I led a very duplicitous life for years... still kind of do. If I wouldn't have had such a traumatic correlation between talking to my mom about difficult things and feeling intense shame and guilt, I probably wouldn't have started having sex so soon, and I probably wouldn't have gotten into so much trouble that she still doesn't know about.
I've dealt with guilt all my life by avoiding sources of guilt. For instance, I have an intense phobia of checking my mailbox. I hate getting bills that I know I can't pay. I end up feeling really ashamed and usually throw up right before or after the actual picking up of my mail. It's a whole bunch easier for me to have Mr.S get the mail and then read it for me.
Now, I usually only feel guilty about the little things. Like letting the dishes pile up all over the house, like not doing my laundry, like not paying off my library fines and/or returning the damn books, etc. I find myself avoiding all those tasks because if I've let them get to the point of distastefulness, I feel really ashamed even if I do them.
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~I wonder who I am today. Any ideas?
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