Yet another break up thread...

[katyg]

It must be in the water, sod it, it happens to us all - can the wise people of tilted please give me a step by step on how to get over it?

There's bad feeling on both sides, lots of history, and this time it has to stick.
I am relying on you guys, I can't spend any more days sobbing like a 16 year old or annoying my friends...
x

[KirStang]

Originally Posted by Plan 9's patented E-Z 6 Step Process

Cut all contact.
Deactivate Facebook.
Hit the gym.
Fuck strangers.
Hang with buddies.
Remain calm.

Read more: http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/tilted-...#ixzz1HGngAy00

Sorry for the facetious reply. I'll post more later. In the meantime, can you add some context for us to help?

[katyg]

That's exactly the reply I needed!

Except can I skip 'fuck strangers', that one never worked for me and always left me feeling like a crying tramp. Not a good look on anyone's arm that one.

I've posted about it before, so I don't feel the need to go into detail, perhaps because of shame, I took him back too many times, but here you go:

• Girl meets boy
• Get along, good times, nice sex, deep connection
• Boy reveals used to be a pothead
• Goes back to it
• Starts behaving like a dick
• Break up - boy kisses another girl in front of girl to get back at girl because a year before they got together girl had kissed one of his acquaintances
• Get back
• Girl gets pregnant - boy pushes for termination
• Girls goes through with it, boy is shitty at supporting her emotionally (as pothead)
• Break ups (numerous)
• Boy starts busting up flat during fights etc
• Breaks (numerous)
• Break of 5 months after boy hits girl, leaves girl on holiday alone
• Get back together after boy buys house, seems to have settled a bit, quit weed, getting straight
• Boy goes right back to being unreliable, moody, antisocial (except when they break up he's always out) and being agressive and pothead and doesn't really seem to want her in his life much at all
• Girl gives boy ultimatum to stop
• Boy chooses weed

I could go into more detail but I really don't want to bore you guys, I just need the detailed plan of how to rid myself of this and GET OVER. IT.

x

[KirStang]

I'm in class, or else I would post more, but It's okay to feel bad and empty, and I agree--even as a guy, after I fucked around post break up, I just felt bad about it.

It's normal to feel crappy after a break up, and it's not just "GET OVER IT." In the end though, life goes on and hopefully you'll find another better person.

[Manic_Skafe]

If writing it all out will help you to feel better then go for it.

I've been there - I am there: alone after having given way too much in hopes of that seemingly inevitable payoff and Happy Ending which never ever came. Feeling like a fool for living as a doormat and loving away all of your confidence and self-respect. Knowing how easily it could've worked if he only cared to give a tenth of the effort, trust and love that you put into it.

But that's not love and you know it. This is simply the price you pay for repeatedly pretending as if you didn't already know better and demanding to have what you wanted regardless of how much sense it makes.

You'll get over all of this once you decide to get your confidence back and make a new life for yourself. Plan's advice is a good place to start - feel free to sub out the sex with a new wardrobe or a new haircut. Throw yourself headlong into what you love, busy yourself with exercise, discover new interests and pick up old passions you've let go.

Once you accept that while the inescapable sadness is natural, it is in more ways than not, just an extension of the same old refusal to accept the obvious and necessary that got you here.

Good luck.

[robot_parade]

Pssst. You rock, and anyone who would pick Weed over you has issues and isn't worth your time.

How are you doing?

[Plan9]

I'm really flabbergasted that nobody else here is completely shocked by the abuse this woman has been through.

I mean, I'm a callous baby-killing asshole and even I'm a little taken aback. This reads like the script to a Lifetime movie.

KatyG, I'm going to repost your list and chop it up with text styles. Your past is a good indicator of your future. It's been my experience that people don't change, especially as far as the type of people they're with in long term relationships. Straight up: This guy used and abused you for a long time.

Originally Posted by katyg

• Girl meets boy
• Get along, good times, nice sex, deep connection
• Boy reveals used to be a pothead
• Goes back to it
• Starts behaving like a dick
• Break up - boy kisses another girl in front of girl to get back at girl because a year before they got together girl had kissed one of his acquaintances
• Get back
• Girl gets pregnant - boy pushes for termination
• Girls goes through with it, boy is shitty at supporting her emotionally (as pothead)
• Break ups (numerous)
• Boy starts busting up flat during fights etc
• Breaks (numerous)
• Break of 5 months after boy hits girl, leaves girl on holiday alone
• Get back together after boy buys house, seems to have settled a bit, quit weed, getting straight
• Boy goes right back to being unreliable, moody, antisocial (except when they break up he's always out) and being aggressive and pothead and doesn't really seem to want her in his life much at all
• Girl gives boy ultimatum to stop
• Boy chooses weed

We are the company we keep. You chose to maintain a relationship with a violent drug-abusing dick that has absolutely no redeeming qualities. You gave him a million chances to fuck you over again and he took every single one. Relationships aren't supposed to be like running the fucking gauntlet.

He uses drugs to the point that it cripples his life. He has physically assaulted you.

Others here will tell you to get a new haircut. I'm telling you to go get counseling.

If not, you're going to find yourself in a relationship with another guy like this.

There are stacks of research as high as my shoulder. And I've seen it a lot.

I've studied domestic abuse/neglect/violence situations. You were in one.

[noodle]

Sigh... Here it comes again...

Listen to Niner, Katy. Just talk with someone.

[Ourcrazymodern?]

YouTube - Dolly Parton - Here You Come Again live in london

YouTube - Dolly Parton - Here You Come Again live in london

I must disagree with Plan9's assertion that you're the company you keep. You're you & all you really have. Separating that from what you think you want takes time. Give it a little.

[katyg]

It's early days yet, but I have started to cut off contact, I am trying to concentrate on my career and I am considering talking to someone about it.

It takes a lot when you care about someone for a long length of time to look back and accept that they abused you, or took advantage of you, I guess it makes you feel humiliated, I used to hate it when people would criticise his behaviours because deep down I always believed he really did care about me and he would eventually grow out of the drugs and appreciate me.

I now accept that this was wrong, and whatever issues he has, with drugs, with his anger and resentment, they aren't mine to bear. I should be able to rely on my partner of choice, and not wake up each day wondering what mood he will take, and whether I'll ever be 'enough'.

Life is short, and it is precious, I am going to try very hard and take it one day at a time and work my way out of this situation. I can see a girl I know falling into the same pattern with her partner and seeing that, has helped me begin to accept things in my situation and vow to make a change.

If you do what you always did, you get what you always got.

Much love x

[Plan9]

Given the choice between people and drugs, people almost always choose drugs.

Because drugs make people selfish assholes. And assholes are... well, selfish.

[Xazy]

Originally Posted by katyg

It's early days yet, but I have started to cut off contact, I am trying to concentrate on my career and I am considering talking to someone about it.

It takes a lot when you care about someone for a long length of time to look back and accept that they abused you, or took advantage of you, I guess it makes you feel humiliated, I used to hate it when people would criticise his behaviours because deep down I always believed he really did care about me and he would eventually grow out of the drugs and appreciate me.

I now accept that this was wrong, and whatever issues he has, with drugs, with his anger and resentment, they aren't mine to bear. I should be able to rely on my partner of choice, and not wake up each day wondering what mood he will take, and whether I'll ever be 'enough'.

Life is short, and it is precious, I am going to try very hard and take it one day at a time and work my way out of this situation. I can see a girl I know falling into the same pattern with her partner and seeing that, has helped me begin to accept things in my situation and vow to make a change.

If you do what you always did, you get what you always got.

Much love x

Take it to heart this as a life learned lesson, and you should try to empower yourself somehow. Classes, therapy, make sure you understand your self-worth and that it is never ok.

To get over a relationship the only real answer is time, all other advice is finding the right way to distract yourself from the pain.

[MSD]

It sounds like you were with a douche, probably because he made you happy most of the time and you dismissed his douche-ness because it didn't seem like that big of a deal or you thought that his good side made up for it. Calibrate your douche-detector and when you're ready, go out there and find a guy who doesn't set off the douche alarm. But remember, you just got out of a long relationship, don't forget to take as much you-time as you need.

You deserve better than a douche.

[EventHorizon]

Originally Posted by Manic_Skafe

Throw yourself headlong into what you love, busy yourself with exercise, discover new interests and pick up old passions you've let go.

Once you accept that while the inescapable sadness is natural, it is in more ways than not, just an extension of the same old refusal to accept the obvious and necessary that got you here.

Good luck.

manic's advice is the bee's knees. i dont know if you're an A-type personality like me but even if not, let those strong emotions (melancholy and fury work pretty well) to propel yourself to doing a better job at everything you were doing before. wanna head out on a friday night? spend the extra 30 min to make sure your ass looks STUNNING. house a little messy? clean up so well that surgeons would pay you to operate on your couch (for the record you'll probably find at least $5 in change in said couch). Bleach the fridge. polish your wooden stuff. find a shitty copy/fax machine and beat the shit out of it with your two best friends, a baseball bat, and and old rap beat. go to toys "R" us and get the biggest lego set you can find and put it together.

dont start playing world of warcraft... just.. dont

sketch what you look like in the mirror. eHow instructions on making ice cream and make liquor root beer floats. leave your wallet and credit cards at home and have a friend take you to a casino with $100 to spend (i recommend watching 'Rounders' or '21' before you do that). go to wal-mart and buy 20 cans of the 96 cent spraypaint and make a mural on the side of an abandoned building. watch Super Troopers. start growing a bonsai tree (hawaiian umbrella is the easiest to take care of and looks cool).

and if you haven't come to an epiphany after you did all that then at least smile knowing that you checked off pretty much my whole bucket list.

keep your head up yeah?

[chinese crested]

Katyg - you dont want to stay on the merry-go-round round, its not good for you. I have not posted enough to post you a link - but your post made me think of
Lilly Allen - Smile. Watch the video, its a catchy little tune. Like the dog dirt he is, scrape him off your shoe. It will get better over time.

[Plan9]

"My boyfriend has abused me for years."

"Hey, no worries. It's okay, get a hobby."

[EventHorizon]

Originally Posted by Plan9

"My boyfriend has abused me for years."

"Hey, no worries. It's okay, get a hobby."

pshh if only hobbies solved those kinds of problems. it definitely beats curling up in a ball and listening to silence or drinking yourself into retardation though

[Plan9]

You're missing my point here, slick. My point is proper acknowledgment of the severity of the problem. And there isn't anything wrong with curling up in a ball or drinking heavily as long as you set a firm "snap out of it" date. That is my preferred method for dealing with my serial monogamist lifestyle.

She needs to internalize that her last relationship isn't the norm and that type of conduct is completely unacceptable.

If she doesn't learn that now, she's already set the bar so low that any douchebag will seem like a savior.

[citadel]

Originally Posted by Plan9

Relationships aren't supposed to be like running the fucking gauntlet.

+1 to that.

[MSD]

Originally Posted by Plan9

"My boyfriend has abused me for years."

"Hey, no worries. It's okay, get a hobby."

It's not love, it's Stockholm Syndrome.