aborder

Long story short/medium; broke up with my gf of about 1 year end of October last year. However, we have kept seeing each other on/off since, say half the time. However, the "seeing" isn't anything like the relationship was before; the seriousness gone and more independence is back (And all the problems we had are gone!). It's just good company, conversation, support and yes, it's still physical.

Although just recently she's had moments where she's cried because she wants to see me more, is worried about the path we're currently on leading to her wanting to get back together (We really do enjoy each other's company, and have been happy together since its no longer serious until this). Rather than end up hurting her, I decided to end it. But met someone new in the process.

My actual question is this; I like to be open and honest. Clearly, it seems continuing to see my ex, is leaving her with moments where she's already getting hurt wanting more or atleast thinking about it, and there's no chance we're going to get serious again. That's more than enough reason there to end it! Now should I also be open and honest to the point where I mention I've met someone new and want to see where it goes, or leave it off? The problem is I really don't want to hurt her. I'm sure she'll be in tears with just the first bit, and because we've kept seeing each other, we both do still have feelings for each other, I can easily admit that, that we're still close and I'm a shoulder for her. I don't want to hurt her in the process, so is the easy way the right way to go about it, or the full details?

Iliftrocks

You probably need to break it off clean with the ex. You are just stringing her along and hurting her this way. It will cost you the friendship with her, but that is just part of the relationship you have already "stopped" having. You can't have your cake and eat it too, in other words.

Even if you have been honest with her and told her you were never going to have a life-long deep commitment to her, your actions have said different to her. Break clean and sometime in the future maybe you can be friends again, without the sex, of course. Truthfully you seem to be treating the ex as a security blanket, and now you want to know how to give it up without being the bad guy. Impossible at this point bro

__________________
bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

bagatelle

You've been using your ex. I don't know you , but sounds like it was convenient for you to carry on with the physical relationship, when you should have ended that. Though it was both of you continuing, you will still be the bad guy and it will feel worse for her, when she hears you are moving on. I may be wrong though, and your new relationship might even be a relief to her. If you can talk about anything, then you should be able to tell, you're interested in another.

If I was the new person in your life, I would appreciate you telling me about the ex and the current situation, before you get me (um... imaginary her) too much involved, thus letting her (me.... um... whoever!) take into consideration, how she will act.

Plan9

+1 to ILiftRocks.

Stop the emotional double-dipping. I swear to god, you'll wake up with a random part of a dead animal in your bed one day.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

girldetective

You never broke up with her, or you did it in a halfassed fashion. If you are no longer in a relationship and she knows it because you have made that clear, you wouldnt need to tell her that you are dating. She would assume that you are.

You are now considering breaking her heart again because youve had one date with someone "even though it might not get passed a second date even". The out point here is that you have already broken her heart, she just doesnt know it yet.

But, you do.
Fix it, and make her feel fine and beautiful in the process.

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As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons...be cheerful; strive for happiness - Desiderata

KellyC

Honesty is the best policy. She's gonna be hurt like hell, but time will heal all wounds.

I don't recommend doing anything to make her feel better though. As much as you want to help, you'll only make it harder for her. Let her deal with it on her own.

__________________
Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

Toaster126

As long as you tell her where you are at on this, this quote is a lie.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

little_tippler

I would say it's usually a bad idea to keep having a physical relationship with your ex straight after the break-up unless you can clearly see she is emotionally stable enough to handle it. Otherwise, you are jerking her around emotionally, even if it's unintentional. If you had made a cleaner break back in October, now it would be 3 months later and no-one could fault you for meeting someone new at this point.

Fact is, you kept her around physically and emotionally, until you met someone else to replace her as your only close friend. Though you were telling her you guys were over and could never be together again, your actions were confusing her emotionally.

I don't see a good way to say this to her, but if it were me I'd prefer to be told the truth. Hard as it may be, being definitively cast off and then also being deceived as to why, would make me think you lacked even the minimal respect for me as a friend to at least be honest. Also, how will she understand why you kept her around this long then suddenly switch off for no apparent reason? In this kind of situation, I have learned, there is always a reason, and it's not usually abstract.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

aborder

I'm now starting to feel like I have over analyzed things, and it's simply time for us to move on. We already really do have our own separate lives, and we haven't clung to each other since the break up. Just don't want to hurt her, and I don't think I will as much as I thought I possibly was.

Iliftrocks

I think your last post was pretty reasonable in content. I just wonder that if you like each other so much and you had physical compatibility, whether or not you tried working on making better choices together. You may have broken up, when what you really needed was couple's counseling.

__________________
bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

Hektore

Well, I came in here all ready to say that as long as you made it clear to her it was over in October, and haven't said anything to indicate otherwise you've no reason to worry about dating someone else.

I don't see any reason to close doors because of a single date.

Then I kept reading...

Mutual agreement to not see/sleep with other people = Committed Relationship

You're stringing her along and giving her hope that the relationship could be alive and well. Stop that. If you know it's over and isn't going to come back, you have to tell her. Be as polite and kind as you possibly can, but more importantly, be absolutely CLEAR, it's over. Anything less is indecent.

__________________
The advantage law is the best law in rugby, because it lets you ignore all the others for the good of the game.

aborder

I actually just don't do it regardless because i think it's poor form and in bad taste, and it's called SAFE SEX. Hence I said, I thought that was already a given.

Definitely not doing that. She's also been telling me she's thinking about some long term travelling on her own; that and a long term relationship are mutually exclusive.

Cynthetiq

actions speak louder than words.

your actions show you're still in an emotional relationship together, no matter what's said and agreed upon. Most people cannot differentiate the sex and the emotional bond.

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Shell

What a rollercoaster. First you're in then you're out then you're up then your down. This is so typically women-are-from-venus-men-are-from-mars. She's emotionally attached to you and you're just dangling your carrot in front of her for good-times and convenience. You keep giving her mixed messages. First you break up with her, then decide to see her with conditions that work for you (but not for her). It's a hurtful game.

And she needs to wake up and see that some men are hunters by nature...once they have their prey the excitement is over. That is with the exception of a few hopeless romantics out there (gotta love'em) and a few men of integrity, and a few men who respect women. But you're playing selfish games with her so she needs to play smarter. She needs to not be so available, not to be so needy, wean herself from dependence...and then run like hell.

__________________
..."Say what you think. Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" ~ Dr. Seuss

Plan9

Top 40'd!

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

bagatelle

I'm wondering what made you decide to break up. Like someone said, you probably could have needed couple's conseling.

We only hear your side of the story, which is, you definitely know, you aren't going to be a couple. Something made you decide this, but could you get over it? Are you afraid to make it a permanent commitment? Afraid to get hurt?

In a way this sounds to me, you're not sure. Now that you added the info about mutual agreement on not sleeping with others, I'm thinking is this what bothers you actually. You don't usually get to ask for a permit to cheat on someone and then possibly get back like nothing happened.

You're insecure about her now, not knowing if she is seeing others. It seems to matter to you.

In my opinion you need take a good break from your ex, so you both can work this out without getting influenced by other. But don't get involved with another yet too romantically or physically.

I'm not saying you shouldn't get acquainted with a new person either, but you shouldn't rush it. It could become a disaster, if the new gf will have to be your therapist about your previous relationship. It's not very easy to convince women, that it really is over.

aborder

She lied, and then did it again and again, and tried to hide it progressively. She lost my trust and she knows this. There were other issues too, and she's the one with commitment issues, not me.

Funny that people assume because I'm the guy, I'm the one taking HER for a ride.

Like I said, I'm like that regardless of having to spell it out.

She very well could be, because she might just be like that, and also I've been away and what not, we've probably spent half the time since the break up entirely on our own.

Hektore

Here's the way I see it: You broke up with your SO, but kept seeing her, sleeping with her and emotionally bonding with her on a mutually exclusive basis.

When it was clear she wanted more and was hurting because you wouldn't give it to her, you continued on your merry way.

Once you decided it was in her best interest to break it off completely, you still did not and have not split with her.

In the meantime you started to date, then decided to stop and ask the ol' TFP whether or not you should tell your girlfriend about the new girl you want to bang while you're in the process of breaking up with her. Do you really need us to answer that question?

__________________
The advantage law is the best law in rugby, because it lets you ignore all the others for the good of the game.

Plan9

Yes.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Lady Bear Cub

It's none of her business if or when you start dating a new person, unless you are cheating on her. The only thing she needs to know is that you are no longer interested in her. Telling her you have a new girl in mind would just hurt her even more. Although, it could also serve the purpose of showing her that you are serious about moving on this time. Personally, I wouldn't tell any ex a damn thing about my future life except that they are no longer going to be a part of it.

If you do tell her that you have someone new, she would probably try to question you about it and drag the breaking up part out. It just isn't a good idea.

__________________
"I give myself very good advice,
But I very seldom follow it,
Will I ever learn to do the things I should?"

cj2112

WTF?? Are you serious? Why would you ever put yourself in this kind of situation? If you two were a couple and then split up, then stop having sex w/ her. You two are still a couple until you are no longer having sex. Until then, it's just gonna be drama-fuck-drama-fuck-drama-fuck ad nauseum

Toaster126

These people are ridiculous. I stand 10000% by my original comment. If you are honest with yourself, and honest with her, do as you think is right. Just make sure that is actually what you want, and that you are willing to accept consequences of said actions.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

bagatelle

It's not that simple. There's always a chance he might find a bunny in the pot.

Cimarron29414

Based on the OP and what I derive from your personality, I wouldn't break it off with the girl you are sleeping with until you many more dates and a realistic future with the new girl. Otherwise, the thing with the second girl might not pan out and you will be empty-handed. This isn't what I would do, it's just what I think you should do - based on what I got out of the post.

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

Toaster126

I have no idea what you meant by this but I would like to. Can you say this a different way?

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

bagatelle

Bunny-boiler is referring to a film called Fatal Attraction.

It was inspired by a scene in the 1987 film Fatal Attraction where a scorned woman (played by Glenn Close), seeking revenge on her ex-lover (played by Michael Douglas), places his daughter's beloved family pet in a pot of boiling water when he is away from the house. The scene concludes with the family returning to the house with the child in the garden searching for the rabbit and the wife taking the lid off a boiling-over pot to reveal the deceased pet.

One has to be careful.

Toaster126

Wow... yeah, I just assumed that if he thought he was dealing with a murderous psycho, he wouldn't be asking if he should be hanging out and sleeping with her. He would be asking which shotguns are best for home security.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)