neveragain

So me and the bf have just recently gone through shitty divorces. We have discussed marriage of our own, but have voiced concern about how we screwed up our first ones, and how we feel about marriage again. I am all for it, I learned first time around what I don't want to happen again. He on the other hand is still very nervous. So I guess my reasoning for this post is to ask the divorced and remarried ppl on here, how they feel about 2nd,3rd or even 4th marriages. Do/did you feel that you could love again, or that you'd screw up, or just the fear of reliving something that was so diffucult. Really just wanting opinions on this and how others felt after their divorce, and if remarried how long after did it take you to build the trust to marry again.

Plan9

This doesn't apply to me directly... I'm still on marriage 1-divorce 1... but I'll chime in anyway (of course):

...

I see that the frequency of something is often directly related to its value. The more you do something, the less it matters.

It wouldn't be patently false to suggest that a carpenter gains less satisfaction from his work than a woodworking hobbyist.

...

Marriage, if treated as if it is as disposable as some truck stop condom, has little meaning. It's a game.

You commit, you break up, you commit again. These are just grand symbols used to prop up a fragile whim.

You want the commitment or to be the center of attention or ya like the dress up and cake. Reality? What reality?

Sometimes you're a flighty bitch that suckers a guy in... you're thinking a year down the road, he's thinking fifty.

The ceremony and the metallic metacarpal fashion accessory don't do, make, or mean a god-damn thing, people.

Just a jaded neophyte. It'll be a long time before I get married again. I would like a fixed traveling companion. A wife.

But you can bet your ass the next one will have a prenup thicker than a law text and I "won't get fooled again."

...

I sometimes fantasize about being married, about finding that special someone who drives me nuts in a manner I can endure.

Tell myself that I'll give it time, test the person, and use what I've learned from previous Hindenburgs to get something afloat.

A lot of fear, a lot of doubt and worry. Anybody lacking these feelings is probably foolhardy enough to race into their next divorce.

I think in subsequent relationships (or marriages, in this case) there is less romantic bullshit and more down-to-business discussion.

You become a shrewd businessperson of the heart. It's hard and fast... ruthless dealings. You're impatient and less lenient.

...

Marriage: Modern society is full of whiny quitters.

We need more marriages like that Rick Astley song.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Punk.of.Ages

I got married once...

I was young. I did it in hopes of fixing a completely broken relationship. It was a dumb fucking idea.

It lasted about three months....

I will marry again one day, but it will be for better reasons than desperate clinging, but it took a long time for me to be able to accept that option.

Be careful, put some thought into the shit, and don't rush it. It's meant to be a strong commitment. Take it as such.

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"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager

"Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike

Daniel_

I married the girl I'd dated since 17, and stayed with her until I was 33. We broke up because she cheated on me, and I kerbed her.

I re-married after my divorce.

I viewed the failure of my first marriage as caused by her failure to follow the promise we made to each other to be faithful.

My second wife had never married before.

Since our divorce, my ex-wife has twice cheated on her boyfriends.

I guess my message is, if your marriage ended because you broke the rules the chances are all of your relationships will fuck up. If your marriages both ended because of your partner's infidelities, then maybe the two of you can each make a marriage work if you have the right partner.

There are too many variables for there to be a hard and fast rule, but statistics indicate that second marriages fail MORE often than first marriages, on average.

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╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

girldetective

I was married, now divorced. In the last 1.5 years I was asked to marry again twice (same dude), as well as live with him. I said no.

Its not that I dont want a human of my own. I do very much, more than I can say. It is what I want most of all.
Instead, I think Im gettng a dog. Shit.

However, being so newly divorced I am clear on some mistakes that were made and I dont want to to make them again myself nor do I want to partner up with someone on a more permanent plane until I see that they know what mistakes are and they choose to avoid them. Also, Ive found many new mistakes out there can be made, that I had no idea of. I now believe marriage is something risky and nothing to go into lightly, as I may have in the past.

Another thing to think about is dating and learning to live independently. It is hard, hard work for me. I dont like it. Im lonely and bored without another person to greet or have a beer or whatever. I feel a bit like the frosting without the cupcake. My hope is I will turn out to be the whole cupcake through learning and living, and knowing others. Then, maybe Ill meet with someone who finds me good enough to eat, and me him.

Sometimes I wonder if I will want to marry again. I think my ideal situation might be a hard and fast and true commitment, with independent living in the same city. Sharing most things, but not all. Having the world know you are partners, and expecting it. I like the idea of dating as a lifestyle, with one person. Of course, this could be hard on finances.

When I get the urge for a wedding, I attend or help with one.

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As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons...be cheerful; strive for happiness - Desiderata

Bill O'Rights

Marriage #1...5 years.
Marriage #2...14 years, and counting.

"Love", as we tend to think of it, waxes and wans. I have found that, for a marriage to work, in addition to love, you have to actually like the person that you are married to. It helps to get though those pesky rough patches.

__________________
"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

Plan9

What does this mean... the difference between "like" and "love"... and how can I find it? It seems elementary but it's apparently eluded me.

I'm pretty sure I've really liked all the women I've been with... they were good partners in a long term domestic shared-goals kinda way.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

jewels

I see that the frequency of something is often directly related to its value. The more you do something, the less it matters.

That's so fatalistic, Crompsin. Mostly, the more you experience, the more you learn.

Since both of you are recently divorced, it's okay for one or both to be nervous and scared. There's no rush to remarry (is there?) so spend as much time as you both need to build trust and a relationship and let go of the past.

My first marriage lasted 8 years, the second 14. The second was great for more than 10 years. For a while, I thought I wanted to marry for a third time but I'm glad I didn't. If the right relationship happened, I would consider it, but I sure as hell would not force any relationship where there's doubt.

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We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

snowy

My parents were both married before they married each other, and they've been married for 27 years now. My dad's first marriage lasted 9 years before he divorced, mostly due to philosophical differences (she didn't want kids). My mom went through two husbands; the first died and the second was an abusive asshole. With her track record, my mom was scared shitless to marry my dad, but she gambled anyway.

So yes, subsequent marriages can work. It's really what Bill said--you have to like the person to get through it. My parents aren't only in love with each other, but they LIKE each other. They're best friends. I've seen them go through some really shitty times together, but they've always come out the other side stronger for it because at the end of the day, no matter what happens, they still care about the other person.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Plan9

I just feel like the more times it happens... the easier it is to quit. You've quit before, they've probably quit before. Maybe multiple times. What keeps someone motivated in this Get Some, Go Again climate? It all harkens to Mrs. Underwood dying declaration, "So you understand that when we increase the number of variables, the axioms themselves never change."

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

highthief

I'm on marriage number 2. I started dating my second wife about a year after seperating from my first. We took a series of steps (dating, living together, buying a house together, and finally marrying) that took about 5 years all together.

It's all about the lessons learned and applying those lessons. You both have to be ready, and it's probably easier for you to slow down a little than for him to speed up his own emotional healing.

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Si vis pacem parabellum.

redsneaker

Married 1 - Divorced 1

I can see both sides to this. I can see how Crompsin could believe that the more you do it, the less it means. I can also see that you learn with every experience, and maybe the next time, it will be right. Ultimately, it comes down to the two people in the relationship and how they view marriage.

Personally, I would get married again. I like the idea of marriage. I want a life partner. But I do agree you have to like the one you're with. When you lose all respect for your partner, all bets are off. At least they were for me. I might have tried to hang in there, but he knew my feelings had changed and packed up and left w/o even giving me notice. So I took it as a blessing in disguise. If he was willing to walk away so easily, then I knew I was better off on my own. I know not all men would do that, so I still have faith in the process.