Anonymous Member

I'm in a bit of a predicament as we speak. I'm 24 and married to a 27 year old. We've been married for 5 months. She's a school teacher and I'm an aspiring professional baseball player. We both know that we want to have kids someday and raise a family, which is part of the reason we got married. I am currently not playing and looking for a team to play with this season, which is almost half over already, and she's still looking for a job as a teacher.

My predicament is this, she wants to have a kid sooner than later and I don't know if I'm at that stage yet. We seem to be in two different places with our lives right now. She's ready to start a family and I'm still trying to pursue my dream to play in the big leagues. I personally think I'm not ready to have kids yet and she thinks that I don't take her feelings into consideration when I make certain decisions. I've been doing some thinking about what I want in life and have come to the conclusion that I want to have a family, but I think I'm not ready. I think we are at two different stages in life right now and she wants to really have a baby. The only problem with that is that we have no money right now. We are getting help until the end of the summer and then I'm going to find a job and hopefully she will as well, but I don't know considering what the state of California is going through with the teaching budget. Thanks Arnold. Anyways, I've been trying to play pro ball for 4 years now. I was a pitcher for 2 and now I'm converting to a hitter, which isn't unheard of but difficult nonetheless. I think this is my last go at it because I'm tired of the bullshit business aspect of baseball. My parents seem to think I should give it another year if this year doesn't work out, which she has a problem with. I've been thinking about what I want to do as well and don't know if I can do that. Her parents are telling her to just let me try and to wait it out but she's told me countless times she's tired of waiting.

She feels that I don't take her feelings and wants/needs into consideration. I.E. starting a family. I think at this stage in my life I'm not ready to have kids. I'll be 25 in August and she'll be 28 in December. Basically, in her eyes, I'm telling her to put her goals and dreams on hold so that I can pursue my career in baseball. It's true to an extent but like she's said before, we're in two different places right now. She wants a family and I still want to play baseball and not have any responsibility is basically what she's telling me. She might have been blinded by the fact that she loved me and wanted to get married so bad that it was kind of put on the back burner. It's putting a huge stress on our marriage as well. She's been really stressed out about not being able to find a job and doesn't think she'll find one this year. It's also affected our love life as well, which is pretty non-existent at this point. I'm really worried about us and we've tossed around the idea of going to couples counseling.

My question to you guys would be how does one know when he/she is ready to be a parent? To be honest, I'm more scared than anything. I don't know if I'm more scared of actually being a father or just the fact that I'm still young. It's hard to think that I'm almost 25. I sometimes ask myself "where did the years go?" Everybody keeps saying "You're too young to have children" and everybody around me is having or has kids of their own. Her two best friends already have kids and my sister-in-law is now pregnant and her sister-in-laws are pregnant. It seems to be the happening thing this year. She's tired of hearing about everybody else being pregnant and she's jealous because she wants a child so bad. I want to give us the pleasure of having one but at the same time I still want to pursue my baseball career. I don't want to get her pregnant just because she wants a kid. I want to WANT to have a kid but I don't know when that will hit me. Am I scared to grow up and face responsibility? I need your advice on what I could do. We just got in a fight because I told her since we're in no situation to have a child that we shouldn't worry about it right now, which pissed her off and she told me that maybe she should care about my baseball career. I know it was the anger speaking but what am I to do?

What do you guys think?

DaniGirl

Being a parent is really hard, especially if you are not ready. I am almost 23 and have three kids. Its a struggle everyday because we were not ready. But its not like I had triplets, we decided this is what we wanted to do. Because of chemotherapy and other issues when I was younger I was told that I would not be able to get pregnant. So being stupid me and my husband thought we were fine without birth control. Well the doctors were wrong and now we have three beautiful girls.

Now I see where she is coming from she is 28 and maybe thinking she is running out of time. That is understandable, but in the end if you go threw with this while you are not ready you could end up resenting her. This is not something that you just say "fuck it why not", its something that will change the rest of your life. Now alot of baseball players have kids. But the money thing is a concern, I couldnt tell you how better off me and my husband would have been if we saved up money before having kids, but that's our life, and we are doing well right now.

So the best advice I could give you is just to talk and hope she listens. You have stated some reasonable concerns and they need to be resolved before babies are involved

Hope it all works out for you!!

little_tippler

All I see while reading your entire post is 'I'm not ready', 'She wants a baby now', 'I want to focus on my career', 'She says I don't care about her needs'. I'd say that's a good summary of the situation.

I don't think there is a ready moment, after maybe say the age of 20. So, not being ready is a bad argument. But if you guys can't afford it right now, I'd say that's a pretty good indication that it's the wrong moment, regardless of her biological clock. Also, putting your career first, when you’re only 25 (despite her being older), is reasonable too. It's not like she's 40 and won't be able to have kids soon.

I understand where she’s coming from. She probably has always known she wanted kids, and thought what a good age would be to start having them. That age is probably passing and she’s getting worried it won’t go how she’d like it to. Maybe she doesn’t want to have kids too late because she wants to not have too big a generation gap with them. Also, the earlier you have kids, the longer they get to have you around. I would say that most women would like to have had kids by 35, if they want kids. Partly for the reasons I have mentioned above, partly for health reasons. The risks of pregnancy, both for child and mother, increase as a woman ages.

I think it’s unfortunate that you find yourselves at this crossroads. The age difference between you is not helping you. One of you is going to have to concede to the other. That is, if you want to stay the course with each other. I’m not saying you should have kids or that she should put her wishes on hold for your career. Maybe a compromise could be reached – you don’t have kids right now, but in a couple of years, regardless of where you are in your career, you can try for one? Two years is not so long to wait. If you expect her to wait another 5, I think from the amount of anxiety she is displaying right now, she won’t be able to take it.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

The_Jazz

This is interesting since it's a conversation that The_Wife and I have been having for a few months, but with an obvious twist (see signature).

I was 35 when my older son was born. My wife and I had been married 3 years, and up to the point that we got to the hospital, I was still, at my core, very unsure if I was ready to be a parent. Obviously the other stresses on me at the time were very different than the ones you have on you, and I imagine that being that being an unsigned baseball player is very different than being a wholesale broker trying to grow a book of business. I have no idea how to even address those topics, but I can address the first child fear, because it doesn't go away when the topic of a second or third child comes up.

From a different perspective, you are telling the woman you love that she is wrong when she tells you that your family is not complete. That doesn't vary no matter how many kids are already in the picture.

The thing about getting pregnant that I think a lot of folks your ages forget is that it's not automatic. One of the things you should both be prepared for is if it doesn't happen immediately. When you're trying a negative pregnancy test can be devastating. With that in mind, I have a suggestion for you both:

You need to sit down together and talk about this. I'm well aware that this is an old conversation, but what I am suggesting is that you decide on a plan. Ask her what her plans for kids are. Why does she want to start having kids now? How many does she want? You? How far apart? Does she have a time of year when she doesn't want to be pregnant (my wife didn't want to be in her third trimester in the summer or early fall)? Does she plan on going back to work after the baby is born? If she does, what are you going to do about child care? If you do make the pitcher-to-hitter conversion, how long of a shot will you give the minors? If you're playing baseball next spring/summer and she has a newborn, who will help out? If your career takes off, is she going to be ok raising the kid(s) by herself during the season? If your career doesn't take off, when are you going to pull the plug and what will you do afterwards? What do you do if the baby's got problems (keep in mind that not everyone goes home from the hospital with a happy, healthy baby)?

I really think that you two need to get on the same page because it sounds like there has been less discussion and more yelling. Hopefully I'm completely wrong in saying that, and I need to apologize. Just let me know, and I will.

I agree that you maybe you aren't ready to have kids, but for a different reason that I think most people would tell you. I don't think the two of you have your shit together enough for a planned pregnancy. If you're going to plan to have kids, you better get busy planning. That means discussing some of the hard, scary details. I think that the discussion needs to be less about "we need to have a kid right now" and more about "ok, IF we're going to have a kid (and that's a Big IF), how is it going to work from conception to school age?" Have that conversation and I think you'll have a better idea about where your marriage stands.

__________________
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genuinegirly

Some excellent advice has been shared here by parents.

I am not a parent. I have no idea how a man tells when he is ready to be a father.
I'm terrified of the idea myself.

I have watched my sister's young familiy struggle to get by in California. They would not make the bills every month without support from government programs and assistance from relatives. Had they been comfortable in their careers before starting a family, they would require little assistance. But they were passionate and hasty, and now they have 5 little ones running around. They have not had any time to focus on their careers. They have not experienced as much job advancement as they would have without children. They are dirt poor, struggling to squeeze by on 40 grand/year. But they are happy, and their kids are intelligent and well-balanced.

I realize this is not the specific question that you have asked, but your wife needs to step back and analyze her situation. She is not in the perfect place in marriage right now that she always imagined. Reality has slapped her in the face and she is not dealing well with it. You are not bringing in the big bucks as a professional baseball player at the moment. She assumed she could settle down and start a family immediately when you said you want kids. The fact that she isn't working at the moment is not helping. I know that a lot of time at home starts messing with my mind, making me want to fill my time with kids. Perhaps your wife is experiencing the same bout of irrationality. Does your wife want to be a stay-at-home mom? Was she raised to aspire to such a status in life? Is she feeling pressure from her family to have children? Is she thinking that if you only had a job, she could pop out kids and take care of them, and wouldn't have to worry about finding a job herself?

She is not in a position to support a family and neither are you. In a state as expensive as California, it is unreasonable to assume you will be able to afford a child without employment. If she would voluntarily choose to be dependent upon WIC, Food Stamps, and MediCal, potentially for the next 5-7 years of her child's life, in order to have that child right now, then I suppose it could be a good thing to have kids. You would pay less personally out of pocket at the moment for a child than you will when you have a decent-paying job. If you look at it in that light, it could be a good thing. But you will never have the time again to focus on your career, and neither will she. You will never make as much as you could.

I don't think you're being unreasonable when you say you are not ready to be a father. Try rephrasing the situation: "We are not ready to be parents." Her biological clock may be ticking, but planning to bring a child into the world without being able to provide a good life? Bad idea.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Zeraph

Do not have kids if you are not ready. That is the absolute last thing you'd ever want to rush into.

Anonymous Member

Thanks everybody for the advice. I agree with everything you guys say in that we're both not ready to bring a child into this world. I think she's mentally ready to have a child and I'm not quite there yet. I believe she does plan on going back to work after she has the baby. She's not feeling pressured from her family at all I don't think. She's an only child and her parents are very supportive of us.

As far as some of the questions you posed Jazz:

We've discussed how many kids we want. We both want at least 2, but I think she wants 3. We've got the child care already taken care of in her mother. She works from home and would be able to take care of our child when we are both at work. As far as being pregnant during any part of the year I don't think she really cares. We had a talk last night and she was under the impression that after were married for about a year we would start trying. Now that's not out of the question, but with our given situation, I don't think it's possible. She had asked me a few months back when I thought I would be ready to start having a family. I didn't really know what to tell her and told her about a year or year and a half and she got upset. Obviously she wants me to be on the same page as she is but that doesn't seem to be the case right now. She doesn't want to have a child right now because we have some issues to hash out and it would be just plain stupid to do so.

As far as my career goes, I think this year is my last go at it. There are many things that need to happen and happen fast for this to stay afloat. I need to start playing ASAP first and foremost, which is easier said than done. I'm basically waiting around for a phone call for someone to say "we have a spot for you." I've come to the decision that if I'm not in spring training with an organizational team (e.g. Dodgers) then it's time to move on. I can't sit around and waste away in Independent ball (which is a separate entity from MLB) and try the same thing next year because the same thing that has happened already can happen again. I've been around the block too much to know otherwise. At the end of the summer I'm going to look for a real career job and go from there.

I think we do need to get our shit together before we can plan something like this. I think we'll be able to get a better idea of that once the summer is over and she'll know whether or not she'll be teaching and I'll be on the lookout for a good job. It's just frustrating to deal with right now because of all the circumstances given.

genuinegirly I think you're right in that reality has slapped her in the face and she's having trouble dealing with it. Things are tough on both of us and we seem to a lot more arguing and less loving these days.

Jazz again you are right when you say we've been doing more yelling than anything. You don't need to apologize. We do need to get on the same page, but I have to wait and see what happens with baseball before than can happen. Of course I want to have my cake and eat it too but that's not the way the world works sometimes. Reality sucks and I just have to come to grips with it. It'll be hard to give up baseball. It's been my passion for the past 18 years, but I know I'm really talented and have so much potential to do great things. I'm not worried about that. I just don't want to regret not trying to play a position and always thinking in the back of my mind "what if..."

Halanna

You and your wife are both in a tough situation. It's always hard to balance personal with joint wants and needs. The only way to resolution is for one person to compromise, or you both to compromise in small way.

Perhaps you can approach her with the "have a baby" plan. Aside from her immediate desire to have a child, what does she feel as a couple do you need to have accomplished or established in order to have one?

Some possibilities are:

Her having a stable job
You having a stable job
Her being covered by health insurance
Stable living situation
Back up sitter in case Mom gets sick, hurt or wants to go on vacation
X amount of dollars in a savings acct.

Then questions to decide, some could be:

Have you calculated the weekly cost of diapers, wipes, formula
Have you calculated the initial cost of a crib, car seat, swing, playpen, clothes etc.
Have you investigated what options there are for saving for college? Some plans allow you to start saving at birth
How much will it cost to put the baby onto your health insurance

So you could together figure out what you're "have a baby" goals are then set a time limit. Say 2 years. In those 2 years you both work toward completing the goals. Decide after the 2 years elapses you'll re-evaluate where you are in the plan, refine, retune and possibly decide some original goals were too high or unnecessary.

Something like this may help alleviate some of her urgency. Right now, she doesn't know how, when or if you both will have a child. At the very least, she would know that it's planned, but certain goals have to be met first in order to give that child the best life possible.

I can't tell you how you'll know when you're ready to be a father. It would be like me trying to tell you when you are in love. It's instinct, you'll know. But I would venture that you will feel much more positive about the experience if you are financially sound and prepared.

I'll try to be tactful.

No. No. No. No. No. Absolutely not. Don't even consider it.

These programs are not for those who decide, I want a baby! I want it now! I can't afford it so I'm going to force the taxpayers of California to pay for it. Screw them, I want I want I want.

State/federal assistance are not an alternative lifestyle, they are a last resort designed to be a band aid, not a permanent solution.

Psycho Dad

Our first son we "were not ready" for. Our other two "were not expected" either. We made some mistakes along the way, but so do many people who "are ready" and "planning" their families. Life happens...

But the points about having a stable job and insurance are very valid ones. And unless I read it wrong, you and the wife are unemployed or at least not working in your chosen professions. Lots of kids grow up wanting to be baseball players and teachers but find other things. I'm just sayin'.

__________________
Don't always trust the opinions of experts.

genuinegirly

You were tactful.
But you missed my sarcasm.

In my sister's family's case, they thought it would be a help for a short time, but it has turned into a decade-long dependence. They thought they had good enough jobs to do well with a little family, they thought they were ready to start. But they were not ready for twins, and the children kept coming though they were using every birth control method available. They could not afford surgery. Finally after their fifth, the hospital that delivered her child offered to tie her tubes. She went for it.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Halanna

I totally did. I'm sorry. I really am bad at converting the printed word to what the tone and inflection of the speaker would be if we were face to face. I misunderstood your tone.

I don't judge. I never judge. Not my place. I don't want to be judged, and I won't do it to others. You're sisters situation is her's, it's unique.

I am in Florida, where some (if not the majority) of residents spend their time trying to figure out how to "beat the system". I can't tell you how many times I've been in line at the grocery store with a package of hamburger and buns (really, is anything better than a juicy burger?) to have the person in front of me with lobsters from the tank, dripping in gold jewelry, new clothes (I know because they don't wash them before they wear them) and swipe a Food Stamp card only to take those purchases out to a brand spanking new Cadillac Escalade. Escalades are between 62k and 82k.

I can afford an Escalade. I'm quite partial to my 1995 Ford F-150 4x4 long bed. It's pristine, and already had a full frame off resto. Unheard of for that young of a vehicle or make.

I can afford lobster from the tank, we are just simpler than that. Do I do that several times a year? Of course. I could have it flown in if I wanted. I'm not bragging. It's reality. I resent those who appear to afford, but live off taxpayers. It pisses me off. It's a sore spot with me.

I'm sorry your response got caught up in that.