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genuinegirly · 06-30-2009, 06:44 AM

Some excellent advice has been shared here by parents.

I am not a parent. I have no idea how a man tells when he is ready to be a father.
I'm terrified of the idea myself.

I have watched my sister's young familiy struggle to get by in California. They would not make the bills every month without support from government programs and assistance from relatives. Had they been comfortable in their careers before starting a family, they would require little assistance. But they were passionate and hasty, and now they have 5 little ones running around. They have not had any time to focus on their careers. They have not experienced as much job advancement as they would have without children. They are dirt poor, struggling to squeeze by on 40 grand/year. But they are happy, and their kids are intelligent and well-balanced.

I realize this is not the specific question that you have asked, but your wife needs to step back and analyze her situation. She is not in the perfect place in marriage right now that she always imagined. Reality has slapped her in the face and she is not dealing well with it. You are not bringing in the big bucks as a professional baseball player at the moment. She assumed she could settle down and start a family immediately when you said you want kids. The fact that she isn't working at the moment is not helping. I know that a lot of time at home starts messing with my mind, making me want to fill my time with kids. Perhaps your wife is experiencing the same bout of irrationality. Does your wife want to be a stay-at-home mom? Was she raised to aspire to such a status in life? Is she feeling pressure from her family to have children? Is she thinking that if you only had a job, she could pop out kids and take care of them, and wouldn't have to worry about finding a job herself?

She is not in a position to support a family and neither are you. In a state as expensive as California, it is unreasonable to assume you will be able to afford a child without employment. If she would voluntarily choose to be dependent upon WIC, Food Stamps, and MediCal, potentially for the next 5-7 years of her child's life, in order to have that child right now, then I suppose it could be a good thing to have kids. You would pay less personally out of pocket at the moment for a child than you will when you have a decent-paying job. If you look at it in that light, it could be a good thing. But you will never have the time again to focus on your career, and neither will she. You will never make as much as you could.

I don't think you're being unreasonable when you say you are not ready to be a father. Try rephrasing the situation: "We are not ready to be parents." Her biological clock may be ticking, but planning to bring a child into the world without being able to provide a good life? Bad idea.

06-30-2009, 06:44 AM	#5 (permalink)
genuinegirly Eat your vegetables Super Moderator Location: Arabidopsis-ville	Some excellent advice has been shared here by parents. I am not a parent. I have no idea how a man tells when he is ready to be a father. I'm terrified of the idea myself. I have watched my sister's young familiy struggle to get by in California. They would not make the bills every month without support from government programs and assistance from relatives. Had they been comfortable in their careers before starting a family, they would require little assistance. But they were passionate and hasty, and now they have 5 little ones running around. They have not had any time to focus on their careers. They have not experienced as much job advancement as they would have without children. They are dirt poor, struggling to squeeze by on 40 grand/year. But they are happy, and their kids are intelligent and well-balanced. I realize this is not the specific question that you have asked, but your wife needs to step back and analyze her situation. She is not in the perfect place in marriage right now that she always imagined. Reality has slapped her in the face and she is not dealing well with it. You are not bringing in the big bucks as a professional baseball player at the moment. She assumed she could settle down and start a family immediately when you said you want kids. The fact that she isn't working at the moment is not helping. I know that a lot of time at home starts messing with my mind, making me want to fill my time with kids. Perhaps your wife is experiencing the same bout of irrationality. Does your wife want to be a stay-at-home mom? Was she raised to aspire to such a status in life? Is she feeling pressure from her family to have children? Is she thinking that if you only had a job, she could pop out kids and take care of them, and wouldn't have to worry about finding a job herself? She is not in a position to support a family and neither are you. In a state as expensive as California, it is unreasonable to assume you will be able to afford a child without employment. If she would voluntarily choose to be dependent upon WIC, Food Stamps, and MediCal, potentially for the next 5-7 years of her child's life, in order to have that child right now, then I suppose it could be a good thing to have kids. You would pay less personally out of pocket at the moment for a child than you will when you have a decent-paying job. If you look at it in that light, it could be a good thing. But you will never have the time again to focus on your career, and neither will she. You will never make as much as you could. I don't think you're being unreasonable when you say you are not ready to be a father. Try rephrasing the situation: "We are not ready to be parents." Her biological clock may be ticking, but planning to bring a child into the world without being able to provide a good life? Bad idea. __________________ "Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq "violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy Last edited by genuinegirly; 06-30-2009 at 06:57 AM..