internetsam

Hi, hope I've posted this in the correct forum.

I've been with my gf for well, it's 2 years this weekend actually.
Our main point of difference seems to be, that old time favorite subject of everyone's, sex.

Obviously if we've been together this long, it is seroius. But I'd rather walk away from it now if it's not going to work in the long run, then let it drag on and we just end up unhappy - Although ideally, everything works out beautifully and there's rainbows and lots of 's.

Anyways, to the point. She likes to often say how things won't be in the future as they are now (sexually) - as if to say it's unusually often.
(If you want to decide on wether it is unusually often, well I'd say it's no where near! hah - We don't live together, and she's an hour away from me. We probably see each other during the week 2-3 times (I drive an hour+ from my work to her work then to her place, then another hour driving back home on those nights), + she'll normally stay over at mine on weekend. The sex happens on average half the time. Personally I don't wanna hear it's gonna be worse later let alone continue like now? lol...

We're also going overseas for 2 months in a few months time, and plan is first 3 weeks of that will be with one of her family, then after that we go travelling. She says for those 3 weeks, not to expect it, because the place is very small, and that they sleep walk and other people will be there, bla bla. Comes across to me as an excuse machine. I think it's one thing it's innappropiate at a particular time/whatever, another to pretty much tell me not to expect it in advance.

I suppose I'm really wondering, am I being selfish in having a problem with this, or is she just coming up for excuses and trying to block things rather than let them just be however it ends up being... ? etc

My 23 year old mind is confused. (She's about to turn 23 too FYI, if that makes any difference).

inBOIL

It sounds like you haven't communicated effectively with her. Ask her if she does intend to curtail the sex, and if so, why. There are a million possible reasons why she might be unhappy with your current frequency, and just as many potential solutions. It's not unreasonable to want to avoid having your sex life go downhill, but to do so you need to make sure the two of you are on the same page.

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settie

I couldn't have said it better

There are a few different ways to bring this topic up and figure things out with her. I think (as it has worked for me in the past) that the most direct approach works best.

My advice? Go up to her and say something like this:

"Hey, I was wondering about something you said, can we talk about it?"

Its a good start to a problem that needs resolving. And the talk feels more mutual than accusatory...balance and equal grounds are good. :P

I'm not sure if anyone else agrees with me on that approach, but if I was in a situation like yours, that's how I would do it.

Oh, and of course, be honest during the conversation. Don't chicken out and agree just to agree with her when you actually don't. If you two are meant to be together, any problem can be solved with good communication, and understanding. ^_^

jewels

What inBoil said. Your post is unclear and I'm guessing same translates to your conversations with her.

She says ... are those her exact words, or are those your interpretations of what she said? Have you been listening to her all along? Does she communicate with you?

You need to have a big sitdown, no matter what the answers.

__________________
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internetsam

Yeah, well initially all she said was for me not to expect it. So I obviously wanted to talk about it, and asked her why, etc and that's where she told me because place is so small, and that she's disgusted by the thought because so and so will be in the next room etc etc and if I'm not happy with it that I don't have to go. Unfortunately we're both as stubborn as each other.
I suppose it is still a communication problem, but I want to communicate to find compromise. Although even then, it's not the sort of thing you can compromise on, if it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't. It's a massive privacy issue for her and I guess I'm more peeved that she's telling me to forget it already.

Well she didn't say don't expect it, she said "forget it". and the reasonings are her words, but can also add to that she's disgusted by the thought of sex with people sleeping in the next room. It's a privacy issue for her.

little_tippler

Here's what I think - It's been two years. In the beginning, things were love-dovey and you wanted to please each other. Now, you're starting to realise that her sex drive far from matches yours. She's probably realized the same. Two years is a pretty good benchmark for reassessing a relationship because at that point, there are no more masks.

The fact that she decides to throw into conversation that in future you shouldn't expect as much sex, probably means that, while in the beginning, she was happy to have sex a lot (because you didn't know each other so well or as deeply), now she'd rather not all the time, or most of the time (because she associates sex with other parts of the relationship). She's probably worried about your expectations of her and is thinking that down the line you may not be happy with how she really, truly feels about sex, and the frequency of it. That, and of course there may be underlying issues there also (there always are), such as there is some other area of your relationship she's unhappy about so her mood for sex is waning, or there may be a sexual issue also (physical or psychological).

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Ustwo

My advice to most young men would be marry a girl who likes to fuck like a rabbit (figuratively). Over time it will go down, throw in a few kids, adult stress, and for some women their sex drive is gone. The better you start with the better chance she won't turn into a room mate instead of a wife.

Its perfectly understandable for her to not want to be overt, and even shy about having sex in some small home where you could be caught. Its not a good sign that what she gave you was an ultimatum. The correct answer would be trying to figure out a time/place you could.

So as others have said, you need to get to WHY she says you should expect less sex in the future. Is she just repeating the old cliches or is she looking forward to it.

I've seen the fall out and divorces already from the sexless marriage group, you don't want to be a statistic there.

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snowy

Sexual intimacy is central to making a relationship last. My parents have been married for 26 years; Dad still kisses Mom every chance he gets. Every relationship I know of that has lasted a long time--including my SO's grandparents (married 51 years)--has lasted because of continued sexual intimacy.

So if she's already talking about decreasing that intimacy and not replacing it with anything else, not creating any other kind of intimacy or an alternative, I'd be really concerned. You should be having a very serious conversation about this. The fact that she has already issued an ultimatum about this is concerning, especially considering there are lots of possible workarounds for that kind of situation--leaving a TV on to make noise, turning on music, turning on a fan. Being unwilling to compromise in order to find a solution is very worrisome in terms of a successful future relationship.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

internetsam

That's the way I see it to, and its not the only part to a relationship, but I think it needs to be there for it to last. Hah I thought I was going crazy or something, atleast she thinks I am. Atleast I know I'm not.

I guess the basic thing I've picked up, is the advice is generally to ask "why". And thinking back, I have always done that, and I don't know whether it's because I think her reasons are ridiculous ("What if I'm tired? We'll both be busy..that doesn't really answer it, then she just says I have an abnormal sex drive, and that I won't find better.. haha) and a load of shit, so I just dismiss it and forget it. I suppose I have the answers I need....

OzOz

onesnowyowl speaks the truth.

These two are making warning bells ring for me. Watch for the first one turning into resentment, which is NOT a good ingredient for a good relationship. As for the second, what is a 'normal' sex drive?

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lotsofmagnets

yes to all the above. time to stand on even platforms and from there decide in which direction to take the relationship. let us know how it unfolds

__________________
mother nature made the aeroplane, and the submarine sandwich, with the steady hands and dead eye of a remarkable sculptor.
she shed her mountain turning training wheels, for the convenience of the moving sidewalk, that delivers the magnetic monkey children through the mouth of impossible calendar clock, into the devil's manhole cauldron.
physics of a bicycle, isn't it remarkable?

internetsam

Well our 2 year relationship ended almost 2 weeks ago now. And actually because of other reasons. I know she still wants to get back together, and part of me did too up until we spoke Friday night (she's either called or messaged me everyday, and nearly everytime only made things worse..). But with what happend, what has happend since, and even just looking at this thread again, I suppose it's all for the best really.
To make things interesting, I bought tickets (ages ago) to an event in a few weeks, and she still wanted to go with me - I don't hold a grudge, so I said yes (I hope things are cooled down by then and doesn't complicate the siutation).... AND we're gonna be on same flights to and from overseas in a few months.. she still wanted to do the whole trip together, but to that I told her no. that's just crazy.

and here's another dillemma i'm in. I'm going overseas (start of july, for 2 months). Went by to the travel agent yesterday, and there was this new girl there. Really cute. She's travelled the same places that I'm going to - so I was gonna go back next weekend to ask her about places she recommends etc, and I also had some other tickets to ask about while I'm there too. And well, I'm sure she'll have LOTS to talk about her trip, and I am interested in hearing it all, so if she does have body language that shows she might be interested, I'll tell her I'd love to hear more, can I have her number kinda thing. Great. Only thing is, like I said, I'm going overseas. That's in less than 2 months. I don't want her to get the idea that I'm just looking for someone to fill in some time with and that I'm some kind of sleaze (she doesn't know me at all, and vice versa, so first impressions do count!), and so I'll lose her with that. So it actually sounds like a bad idea to me, because I am genuinely interested in her. (Dispite the recent break up..).
The three options I see are.
1) Just get her number and ask her out. Got the good excuse of wanting hear about her trip to help me out - hell it's interesting too!
2) Ask for her number, to call her when I get back. That's like .. nearly 4 months away. Sounds a bit stupid to me. But if I do (and i will) hold onto her number long enough, then surely that's genuine enough.
3) Ask her when I get back. But I lose the excuse. And I'd feel like a bit of a tool "hi i just got back from overseas, can i have your number?". and if I wanted it all this time, why didn't I ask before?
4) she'll just say no or is taken, so I don't even need to worry. haha

I do also have to see what happens with me and my ex over the next week. But after this week, I'm not looking back because it's getting me crazy.

JustJess

It sounds like you're not all that interested in seeing what happens with your ex. That's fine, just be honest with yourself and with her.
As for the number, ask for it, and tell her the truth - you're going out of town shortly but you're interested in her anyway, or however you prefer to put it.

__________________
My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

internetsam

She knows I'm going out of town, she works at the travel agent. haha ( and I was lucky enough to talk to her while I was there yesterday..)

and hah, nevermind that question on how to ask her out. i think i've got a better idea - rather than ask for her number i'll ask her if she's going on her lunch break anytime soon, atleast then we can talk a little on our own since we don't know each other, THEN I can ask for her number if all seems well... I think that's a slightly less intimidating / more appropriate approach

lotsofmagnets

hmm. sorry to hear about the relationship. if she´s still keen then ask her to give you some space as by bugging you constantly she´s not helping her own cause. if the situation hasn´t changed for either of you in a few months (when you get back) then perhaps you can sit down and talk to her and figure everything out from a fresh perspective.

__________________
mother nature made the aeroplane, and the submarine sandwich, with the steady hands and dead eye of a remarkable sculptor.
she shed her mountain turning training wheels, for the convenience of the moving sidewalk, that delivers the magnetic monkey children through the mouth of impossible calendar clock, into the devil's manhole cauldron.
physics of a bicycle, isn't it remarkable?

surferlove007

This girl sounds like a rebound if I'd ever seen one. Two years down the drain and you're already looking to pick up another girl. When I ended a two year relationship with someone I needed time to get used to being single again and enjoy dating around. However you're a guy..I'm a girl. People are different. I find it hard to believe you contemplating a future just last month with your ex and now you're ready to move on without thinking at all. Just seems too fast to me...

internetsam

I know it does certainly appear that way, but I have been unhappy for a VERY long time - going back into last year actually (and there were a few mini "breakups" in the last 2 months) I suppose I was too hopfeul. and with stuff that's happend since, I know it's for the best. Looking back, I think I shouldn't have let it drag on for so long really.
ps I don't see it as two years down the drain in the slightest bit.

as for this other girl, maybe it's just me not wanting to be single, since it's been so long since I have been single. (I suppose I'm also thinking she's probably taken anyways.. but if not, I don't want to wait until she is). But I'm a very instinctive person, and felt something. So I'd rather see if there's anything there, rather then let it pass and wonder. and I'm not just looking for some quick/easy lay, if I wanted that, I'd just go out and meet some pissed girly, but that's not me. and atleast I'm looking forward rather than being all depressed. I've felt like shit the last few months, then when I spoke with my ex end of last week, she said some stuff, and I knew then and there, it's all over, and I felt a lot clearer and better since.
Can totally understand your point though, because yes, that's exactly what it seems like!

pig

I agree with gg: rebound-itus abounds. Doesn't make you a sleezebag. Makes you a guy with a functioning dick and a relationship to forget. If you get the chance to have sex with this little world-traveler chick, knock it out. Be honest.

Shit, I'm a guy and I agree with gg: the emotional impact of the relationship will take more than a few months to get over, more than likely. That doesn't mean you can't clean out the pipes a bit in the meantime.

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