Hardknock

First off, apologies that this is going to be long, but I need some outside opinions to help me put things into perspective. Some of you may have read part of this on another thread in the sexuality forum, but like I said, I'd like some opinions...

My story...

I've been married to my wife for over 11 years now. Everything was cool until three weeks ago. Her grandfather passed away the day after Christmas (whom she was really close to by the way) and soon afterwards, she did a complete 180 personality wise. She was (and still is) upset at herself because she wasn't by his side when he died, upset at god for taking him and ultimately, she ended up directing all that anger at me for all the little things that have been bottling up insider her that one would think that people don't get divorced over. Things like, disagreements on where to go out to eat, what we're going to do this weekend, how and when to feed our son, etc. Afterwards, she says she wants a divorce. I don't take her out enough, don't pay attention to her emotional needs, don't want to spend time with her, etc. are her reasons. Nevermind the fact that we have a 22 month old to take care of and I'm the sole breadwinner of the household so I alone shoulder the responsibility of providing for all three of us. She's not a total stay-at-home mom as she works part-time so she can get her "adult interaction." So she's not totally alone in the child rearing. For our entire marriage, I've been a faithful husband who's always supported and taken care of his family. I've never cheated on her, I don't abuse her, she's always been the reason why I work so hard to provide for her and our family. So she can have a comfortable lifestyle so she can go back to school and finish her degree without having to worry about bills at home. I've busted my ass to allow my wife to be a stay at home mom when the time came (which is what she wanted from day one) with a nice house and a comfortable lifestyle. We're not rich or anything but we're not scraping by either. Maybe I paid too much attention to being the provider. I can take responsibility for may part in this if I neglected her because I was too busy being the provider, but what really pisses me off is that she can't take responsibility for her part in this.

She can't communicate worth a shit. She has a controlling mentality where she always has to be right. First, she gets pissed off at me when I fail to make her feel better by reading her mind and saying exactly what she wants to hear exactly when she wants to hear it anytime she's in a down mood. Second, she subscribes to the notion of, "If you love me I shouldn't have to tell you what to say, you should already know." How the fuck am I supposed to know what's she's feeling if she doesn't fucking tell me?!? Third, she doesn't tell me what shes thinking or what she's feeling at any give time. I'm just "supposed to know" if I love her. Talking to her since this all happened is like literally talking to a brick wall. She can't be reasoned with. She just gets pissed off and she tries to deflect it back at me and tries to make it seem like it's my fault for pissing her off when I'm just trying to talk about what's going on in her head.

Anyway, like I said, after 11 years of that, she says she wants a divorce and went off to her cousin's house. Says I don't pay attention to her anymore. I don't respect her enough to consider her feelings. (I still have no clue what they are half the time because she doesn't speak up!) And that I'm the one who needs to change because I don't talk to her. Nevermind the fact that she doesn't say shit regarding her feelings and I supposed to read her mind and play mind games with her feelings. In her mind, she can't see that the reason why I clam up is because I'm getting sick of her mind games and because of that it's driving me away. She's so fucking stubborn she'd rather see our 11 year marriage go down in flames rather than admit she was wrong and try to fix this.

Anyway, I'm at the point where I just wanna say fuck it and cut off all contact with her. (other than affairs regarding our son) I don't know if she's still upset about her grandpa or what, but lately, she's become a real bitch and the fucked up part is that she's only directing that bitchiness at me and me alone. None of her friends have to put up with this shit. She went from sending me love notes on myspace at the end of November to wanting a divorce a month later. In that time, I went from being her loving husband to everything that's gone wrong in her life. That doesn't sit right with me either. I'm getting sick of it. We have a kid too so it's not that simple. But she's really starting to piss me off.

What's worse, is that after doing some thinking, I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. In that other thread, Daniel_ mad a good point about even if we somehow work this out, I still have to deal with a person who can't communicate and doesn't know what she wants. I still think that this is a valid point. So on one hand, half of me wants to work it out with her for the sake of our son, knowing that all this drama will occur again at some point in the future. A dead end I know. The other half of me doesn't give a shit if she drives herself of a bridge tomorrow because of the fact that she's so impossible to deal and reason with right now. I feel like I'm better off without her but what I fear most is what it will do to my son in the future. He'll be 2 in March, so I'm hoping that he'll remember very little (if any) of all this drama.

Opinions appreciated....

Seer666

One question before I formulate an answer. How much of this have you said to her? My first response to people that dump on me like that would be "I'm not the reason you grandfather died so when the hell are you treating me like it?" Calling her out on this, hopefully with more tact then I would, is the first thing you should do. If you were close with the man in any way before he died, simply stating that you miss him to next time she goes off may steer things in the right direction. If you can't work this on your own, get counseling, or get a lawyer.

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Redlemon

I had no idea what STBX means. Turns out it is "Soon To Be eX". Or possibly "Starbucks", take your pick.

/librarian exits the thread

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Hardknock

She's aware of all of it. Like I said, she's a brick wall and talking to her when she's upset is pretty much useless.

And STBX does mean "soon to be ex" by the way. Picked it up on another site.

Daniel_

It's a bugger, but once things get broken it's often impossible to repair them.

It works like a footballers lucky socks.

Every time he plays, he wears the same socks.

Thus he reasons, evry time he won, was a day he wore the lucky socks.

He forgets that several times he lost he wore the same socks, or puts that down to bad karma, or something.

Your STBXW has realised that every time something shit happened, you were there.

She's forgotten that every time something great happened that you were there too.

You are now her unlucky husband, whipping boy, and grandfather murderer.

She and my ex-wife (who blamed me for her father's death) should open a fruitcake stand together.

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ratbastid

Okay, try this on:

Everything she's saying isn't actually about what she's saying. Her complaining about the way you X isn't really about how you X. But it IS about SOMETHING. And it's something big enough to her that she can't actually deal with it right out, but has to instead pick fights about other things.

Let me tell you a story. A few years back my wife's brother died. I didn't handle her grief well AT ALL. I got possessive of her attention, I was worried I'd never have her back the way she was, I was constantly trying to talk her out of being sad (which works real well, by the way). I basically did it completely wrong, and it took us a really long time to recover from it. And there were times when how she was upset with me about it got expressed in some really strange and nasty ways.

You have something to apologize to her for. It has something to do with her grandfather's death. From how you write about it, I suspect she feels you didn't support her or didn't take her grief seriously, but you should look for yourself.

She might never come out and tell you--so if you're going to get this straightened out, you're going to have to figure it out on your own.

Hain

Bitter is the way I am wired- just is who I am. Therefor it makes it easy for me to say terrible things, "Give her what she deserves!" I don't have to live with the emotional consequences of my actions given how young I am. I haven't experienced the love that many get to feel, and for such a long time. So again it makes it easy for me to think, "Let her go fuck herself..."

However, I wish you to exhaust counseling. I was of the opinion that before a judge sanctifies a divorce, a couple must first go through counseling (as happened to some of my neighbors, my friends). See a female counselor, see a male counselor, hell if you can find one, see counselors that are husband and wife. That way there isn't the paranoia of either of you being "favored" (as my neighbor described his counselor's behavior with his wife)... And you just might catch them arguing... the irony...

It's a goddamned situation you are in, and I wish you to get the best of luck in it.

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Hardknock

That's part of our problem. She can't (or won't because she's so pissed off) express her feelings and she expects me to play guessing games trying to figure out exactly what to say in order to make her feel better and help her get over this. I could muddle over this the rest of my life and not figure it out. i realize that some may say that this is "the way women are", but they need to put forth some effort as well. Men cannot read minds.

And thanks for the counseling suggestion Augi. But she's dead set against any counseling whatsoever. Like I said, she's stubborn.

Hain

Then you drop a bomb on her. It's her fault if she doesn't try.

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jewels

This scenario is all too familiar and from where I sit, it's not over yet. Maybe she doesn't know how to express it. But you can sit her down, let her know you care. Put her in a situation where she's crying on your shoulder and you're comforting her. Don't allow her to enter the defensive mode. Do nothing but console her and she will talk when you ask what's wrong.

You may feel "sick" of it, but maybe she just needs a little emotional backup. Women going through emotional turmoil can find it difficult and draining to deal with the routine tasks. It can't hurt if you pitch in a little extra while she's going through whatever it is. The contract doesn't say 50-50 at all times. Patience and understanding will go a long way. Take it a day at a time. I'll admit, we'd like you to figure that out on your own. For some reason, we think it's common sense, but I guess it's just a woman thing.

I wish you much patience and tolerance.

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Hardknock

Thanks, I sure as hell will need it.

And I don't mean to sound overly negative, but I've gone the "sitting her down and letting her know I care" route and she's literally told me to fuck off. She thinks that I don't care about her grandfather's death (I've tried to console her otherwise but she's convinced I don't care) and because of that, she questions my character.

Grasshopper Green

Wow, this is a tough situation.

When my brother died a few years ago, hubby and I nearly got a divorce. I went to a psychologist and she told me that marital strife is to be expected during traumatic times like death. Your wife may not be through the grieving process, and like ratbastid said, she may be angry with you relating to it.

However, communication is essential (who hasn't heard that on TFP before?). I'm very stubborn. I'm NOT a good communicator. I'm discovering that I don't like that part of myself and am actively working on changing it. Until your wife decides that she wants to communicate...I don't think she will. If you no longer have the patience for it, I wouldn't blame you a bit. I wouldn't want to live with someone like me. Good luck to you.

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