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Old 07-06-2007, 09:07 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Parents interfering in my relationship

Hi all,

I'm 20 and I've been with the most wonderful person in the world for over a year. We are very much in love and all signs indicate that this is not going to change.

We both go to different colleges and other than over breaks, visitation is not possible. We talk on the phone every day though, and she's in town now so we spend the days together. Of course, we're both home so we have to stay with our parents.

The problem is, my mother seems to resent her, and my grandmother hates her -- she hated her before she even met her. My mother says things like, "don't get too involved," and "you're not going to marry her," which sincerely offend me. My grandmother is more overt.

It really hurts my girlfriend's feelings and I feel like my parents are being selfish and just plain mean. I really don't know what to do about it but it upsets me a whole lot. Can anyone relate or give some suggestions?
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Old 07-06-2007, 09:40 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Tell your parents and your grandparents to butt the hell out. It's astonishing to me how many parents out there are dumb enough to think that if they tell their kid their SO sucks, the kid is just gonna drop her like a hot potato right away. It's even more astonishing that those parents think they have the right to say that.
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Old 07-06-2007, 09:51 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shakran
Tell your parents and your grandparents to butt the hell out. It's astonishing to me how many parents out there are dumb enough to think that if they tell their kid their SO sucks, the kid is just gonna drop her like a hot potato right away. It's even more astonishing that those parents think they have the right to say that.
While I've never been in that situation myself, thankfully, that does seem like it would be the only way to do it. The biggest question would come down to approach, and that depends entirely on what he thinks his family would be most receptive towards. Would the "butt the hell out" direct and blunt approach work best, or perhaps a more diplomatic "I feel that you don't respect my decisions when you make those comments" angle?

Either way, that sort of behavior is just plain bad. Even if their intentions are good, and they are legitimately concerned with his well-being for whatever reason, that's the wrong way to go about telling him.

What's even worse is that, from the sounds of it, if they ever do break up, then there's a chance of "I told you so"s.
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Old 07-07-2007, 12:35 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Don't argue with them. It just validates their belief that they have a right to talk to you like that.

Ignore them. Flat-out ignore it when they say things. Don't even give them the satisfaction of a response. This will really piss them off, but it will send a message 10 times more clear than using the actual words, "I don't care."

When it comes down to it, we don't pick our family, but we do pick our significant other. If it came down to it, and you stayed together for many years and wanted to get married, would you actually leave her at the bidding of your family? I would think not.

Family is not always right or justified just because they're family.
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Old 07-07-2007, 07:05 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Having been there, I do have to agree that you need to stick up for yourself through any method you feel appropriate. My parents didn't approve of my choice either, and even after we were married, it took a major argument between my parents and I before things improved. Now, years later, they see that we were meant to be and while they aren't the best of friends, she is accepted and respected as my wife and more importantly, as an equal.
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Old 07-07-2007, 07:23 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Many parents think they know everything. They don't. It's something they (we) need to be aware of as we try to raise good young people.

Your mother and grandmother are obviously wrong, and you may need to run interference between them and your gf. Here's what I would do:
1) First I would establish why they're wrong. If they have specific complaints about her, then you debunk those complaints completely.
2) Divide and conquer. Find a way to divide their united front against your gf, which will weaken them both severely. When they are both bouncing complaints off one another, they are reinforcing their beliefs and making them seem more rational. I don't know your mother or grandmother, but I would think that if you give your mother a reason to think your grandmother is ragging on your gf out of resentment or something besides care for you (which is probably the case) if could weaken your mother's resolve. Isolate them from other people that agree and they're more likely to question their beliefs and actions.
3) Arrange for your gf to do something selfless and loving for you in front of your mom and/or grandma. Kill em with kindness.

While ignoring them sounds good in theory, taking a more active role may yield better results in practice. Good luck.
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Old 07-07-2007, 07:27 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Or you could tell your parents you know waht you are doing and that you aren't even considering marriage so early yet. It's not a lie if you mean it. That will put your parents off your back.
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Old 07-07-2007, 07:42 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Some afternoon DJ's were tackling this exact same debate the other day, I'll summerize...

This girl was going out with a dude, and shortly after they started dating, the dude's mom invited her over to the house while the dude is away. This is without the guy's knowledge. The mom flat out says "You are not good enough to marry my son, if you make the mistake of getting married, it won't last a year."

After one year, the girl writes a note to mom-in-law. "I guess you were wrong."

Every year since then mom-in law has sent a note to the girl "Well, you got lucky another year." They've been married 10 years.

I guess the point is, sometimes there is nothing you can do. All the who's right / who's wrong doesn't amount to anything. I don't think the hostile or passive aggressive thing will ever do anything except piss all parties off to the point of never accepting it. I like Will's 3rd option, kill em with kindness.
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Old 07-07-2007, 07:53 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I'd be curious to know why the gf brings out such hostile feelings in your mom and grandma. There must be a reason - is she a petty thief, homeless, heroin addict, glue huffer, pyromaniac, school slut, refers to your mom as "old lady", dresses like a tramp, unmotivated, suicidal, into devil worship and animal sacrifice, beats up other girls, quadriplegic, covered with large boils and goiters, chronic shoplifter, blows snot rockets at the dinner table...details could be helpful, and possiby entertaining.
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Old 07-07-2007, 08:56 AM   #10 (permalink)
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This may either help you or make you even more despondent, but I'm 47 and I've been with Grancey for 22 years (married for the past 14 of them), and my parents are STILL meddling in our relationship. And they're also meddling in the marriages of my two sisters and brother as well. It's what parents do best, I suppose.
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Old 07-07-2007, 09:02 AM   #11 (permalink)
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There's a support group for this problem. It's called EVERYBODY, we meet friday nights at the bar.

Seriously, I'm guessing that your parents love you and this is an expression of that. They are being protective. It isn't the healthiest way to show it. Let them know you appreciate them and you don't need any looking after, but be prepared for this to continue.
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Old 07-07-2007, 09:27 AM   #12 (permalink)
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eh.... my mother didn't talk to Skogafoss on our wedding day.

She didn't appreciate the fact that we were going to be married and probably felt that Skogafoss wasn't good enough. She has since reversed her position and tries very hard to make up for that faux pas.

She appreciates my wife very much, especially after seeing how she has stuck by and taken care of me in very diverse and trying times.
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Old 07-07-2007, 10:18 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Here's a trick that worked for a friend of mine. Understand that your grandmother is probably never going to change her mind. You're going to have to suffer through that one for a while. Your mother, though, can be accused of turning into her mother.

You'll be amazed at how quickly that little notation can bring about an attitude adjustment.
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Old 07-07-2007, 08:51 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Your parents do know everything and they can probably predict fairly accurately whether this girl is likely to screw up your life.

However, that doesn't give them the right to treat her with anything less than respect. Try telling them that you acknowledge their beliefs about your SO and their feelings towards her, but you reserve the right to f**k your life your own way and that they should respect your beliefs and feelings and that includes treating your SO with respect.
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Old 07-11-2007, 08:47 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Tell mom & grandma that if they have any problems with your girlfriend, they can fight it out afterschool in the parking lot with her.
When they say 'that's something only kids do' say
'yes, it sure is,'
then give them the look and walk away.
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Old 07-12-2007, 02:10 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Deny your family your presence, in favor of hers. When they invite you somewhere simply state, I'm sorry but I am going to spend time with____,and since none of you like her,I will save you from having to see her.
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Old 07-12-2007, 05:25 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tecoyah
Deny your family your presence, in favor of hers. When they invite you somewhere simply state, I'm sorry but I am going to spend time with____,and since none of you like her,I will save you from having to see her.
Mmm....I gotta disagree with this one. It's kind of passive-aggressive, and it solves the symptom but not the underlying cause.

I second the question above: do your mom/grandmother have specific complaints about this girl? Are they justified?

If no, then are they just overly possessive of you and NOBODY will be good enough for you? Are they afraid you're getting too committed too young, and this is the only way they know how to express their concern?

I think it would be better to address your family's concerns as far as possible. Sometimes just being heard makes it go away. If they're nuts, they're nuts, and there's not much you can do about it but keep your distance as tecoyah suggests. But if you can actually find out what their concerns are, you can maybe keep both relationships working. It would suck to alienate your family and then have to crawl back if the relationship didn't work out.
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Old 08-10-2007, 04:03 PM   #18 (permalink)
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How about moving out and doing as you please?

If you are already moved out, why do you care what they think?
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Old 08-12-2007, 01:05 AM   #19 (permalink)
 
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I had to make the decision between my mother and my now wife.
Like another post said - you CHOOSE your significant other.

My Dad was the one who gave me the wisest advice I've heard to date:
Before you know you're truly sure - imagine that you're going to be waking up next to her every day for the rest of your life. Now since she's the first thing you see when you wake up, how does it make you feel? If it's good, then every day you wake up, you'll have a good day. If it's not good, then every day you wake up, you'll have a bad day. It's your choice wether or not to have good days or bad days.

Although we have our own share of trials and troubles, I think I've made the right decision. It's one of the few grudges that I still carry, but I still do resent my mother for trying to "help" me in the wrong way. How do I know she wanted to help me? - Because I was a mistake myself. Although my parents do love me, I know they also wanted to make sure I didn't make the same "accident".

To be honest, I chose the passive aggressive method of leaving my parents behind until they finally accepted the fact that I knew what I was doing. Now happily married and have been together since high school, we actually hang out with her parents more than my own, simply because they were more accepting of our relationship right from the start. Although they disapproved of us getting together so young (we started dating in grade 10) they preferred that we were open about it, and didn't have to hide.

In the end, the only person responsible for your own happiness is you. Make the choice you know you need to make, at the time you know you need to make it.
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