scarglitter

I am feeling so guilty...I mostly need to get this off my chest, but am very interested in other's opinions on the matter. Any advice or insight is greatly appreciated...Also, I read the post on "Before you vent about your parents." This thread is more targeted to healing a poor relationship with mine - and trying to deal with guilt.

I am 23 years old. I worked so hard to graduate from college magna cumme laude, double major, while working 30-40 hours a week, in 4.5 years. Now, I have an awesome job in the field (psychiatry research). I make pretty good money, have wonderful benefits and quite a bit of prestige (for my age). I am planning to apply to grad school in the next couple of years, and will go for a PhD. Okay, so I am humble in daily life, but honestly, very proud of myself. Lots of hard work (I tend to work 45-55 hours a week) and skill have led me to where I am. Also, luck and networking are involved in the equation. So why do I feel like total crap?

Well....My parents are lower middle class. They both have BS degrees, and my dad has worked his whole life. The problem is, they are not very successful and make it clear they are very unhappy. My mom has not worked in almost 30 years, and my dad has worked very hard to support our family. We never starved and we always had a roof over our heads, but there have always been obvious financial troubles. I have so much respect for my dad. I do have issues with my mom refusing to work - but that is not for this post.

So, back to the guilt issue...Now, I make more than my dad, have better benefits, and more perks to my job. I try really hard not to bring it up, but he always asks me questions about those aspects of my job. Lately, I have a feeling that I no longer make my parents proud. I seem to make them feel bad. My dad seems hurt that my mentors are all very successful PhDs or MDs.

It is extremely hard to visit them, when all they do are ask questions and look sad if I answer. I can not stand lying to them, and I try to downplay everything and change the subject. I just do not feel comfortable in my new skin as a young professional woman around my parents. So I try to talk about other things, such as sports, movies or books (or let them talk about anything they want), but then the gap growing between us just becomes more apparent.

As hard as I try not to, I become irritated with their bad grammar, poor manners, and so on. It is so painful to have these feelings for my parents. I can barely control myself anymore - sometimes I become irritated and just have to leave. I have no idea how to handle this situation. I love them so much, but it is painful to be around them. I feel guilty to be where I am at my age. I think they are no longer accepting me, and see me as a snob (especially with some comments lately), which may be somewhat accurate because I do like to present myself nicely. But I have always been that way, I just never had the money to really do it to this extent.

It is sad because as I continue working hard to achieve my goals, I feel these problems with guilt and anger will only grow. Is there anyone out there with some insight? It is becoming clear that I would benefit from some psychiatric help.

Thank you for reading....

Ch'i

Parents should never hold any grudges or guilt towards their children for becoming more sucessful than they. When and if I have children, I will do all I can to give them the support and opportunities to become a better person than I. Also, you could be perceiving a guilt from your parents that isn't actually there. One which is created through your own expectations.


I find your debacle's answer to coincide with the words of a very wise man:

scarglitter

Wow, thank you Ch'i. I really appreciate the quotes, and feel they are quite apt to my situation/mindset.

Ch'i

Glad I could be of service.

thingstodo

Being a parent I can tell you that our biggest hope is that our children do better than us! I did much better than my parents and I know they are proud becuase of the things they say and do, both in front of me and behind my back to others.

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If you're wringing your hands you can't roll up your shirt sleeves.

Stangers have the best candy.

Sage

Talk to your parents. Nothing can be gained by clamming up (both sides doing so) except poor communication, resentment, and years of bitterness.

Sit down with them, talk openly with them, and act like you care about them! They are probably having to deal with the very hard and harsh reality of perhaps not making the best of their lives- seeing your success might be opening old wounds that they thought would be closed forever. Perhaps they wanted to go to grad school but then you were born? Or perhaps your mom always wanted to work but has some deep inner feelings about a mother's duty to her children.

There's nothing to lose by opening a discussion with your parents- just make it ABSLOUTELY clear that you want to talk about it not to judge, or condemm, or make them feel bad, but because you're their daughter and want to remain close to them. Let them vent, hear them out, and let them hear you out.

Honesty in all things really is the best policy, and smoothes SO many things over.. there's so many times in my life where I thought I'd have to tell a lie, but when I told the truth the outcome was 100% better than I could have imagined...

Also, thanking your parents for raising you and taking care of you- letting them know that you could not have gotten to where you are today without them instilling their work ethic into you and raising you right- that will go a LONG way.. they might be feeling like you're "too good" or "too educated" for them. Let them know that THEY ARE THE REASON you are you! In addition, remember that they might be dealing with seeing "their baby" finally all grown up and making it for yourself, and that's hard on any parent- especialy if they feel like they're not needed any more (and if you're finacially independent, that's a huge feeling of not being needed for a parent.)

Hope this helps... remember that they do love you, but they're people too and going through some tough feelings right now! Reach out with love, honesty, and compassion and I'm sure you can sort everything out!

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Charlatan

Sage is right. Talk to your parents about this. Letting it fester is never good.

As for "bettering" your parents in general, I can safely say as a parent I want nothing more than for my kids to have more success than me. It's sort of a parent's job to provide the building blocks for success. To set you on the right path and then give you a shove out of the nest to watch you fly (and other cliches).

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"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Martian

So much to say.

First off, congratulations. You deserve to be proud after what you've done for yourself. Heck, you're making me feel like I've wasted my life... I'm 23 and I haven't accomplished half as much. Pride in one's work where earned is normal, justified and totally okay.

That said.. well, I don't need to tell you about projecting. You are the psych major, after all. But since it's much harder to see traits and patterns in ourselves than it is in others, I'd like to suggest you take a moment to consider the difference between the way people feel and the way you think they feel. I don't know you or your parents; I have no idea how your relationship with them normally is, so I can't offer anything other than shot-in-the-dark general advice, but the first thing I'd ask is whether they really feel as depressed as you think they do, or if it's more your guilt causing you to perceive them as that way. Now that it's out of the way however, I will assume that you do know that this is really them and not you.

The bottom line here is, you don't have any real control over how your parents feel. Sad, but true. If they're hellbent on holding a grudge because of all of your (rather spectacular) accomplishments, there's very little you can do about it. By all means talk to them about it, but be prepared for the worst. Communication can solve a great many problems, but it won't cure everything.

You can't fix them.

If they're hell-bent on feeling this way, all that's left for you to do is fix yourself. That starts with realizing that you have managed a great deal and that there's a great deal more in store for you. They provided the foundations, but you're the one that built on them and put in all that work to achieve your goals.

To put that in context, I'll discuss my own history. Financially speaking, it sounds like my upbringing was very similar to yours. My parents divorced when I was very young, leaving my mother to support myself and my two siblings. Like you, I can say that we never went hungry, but we also didn't have a lot. Now, there are other circumstances that affected my development, but I'm past using those as excuses. Bottom line is, if I'd worked at it I could've had a great deal more by now. I always knew that I was smart and that I had the potential to do a great many things, but instead I dropped out of high school moved out on my own and, to use the cliche, fell in with the wrong crowd. It's only now, at the age when you've pretty much established yourself, that I've smartened up and started to fix things. This thread isn't about me, but I will put in that I did finish high school just last spring (something I'm immensely proud of, myself) and am planning to go to college next year. It's going to require a lot of effort for me to fix the mess I've made of things, but I am on the right track.

Comparing the two paths side by side, I hope you can see just how much you have to be proud of. That is the point of the exercise, after all.

So now here we are. Through your hard work and your effort, you've accomplished a lot. You have more than your parents now and things are only going to get better for you. It's not unreasonable to feel a bit guilty at this point; after all, they gave you so much. They provided for you and it's possible that you feel like now that the shoe's on the other foot, you're obligated to take care of them in some way. Only that's not the case. They did their job; they did what good parents are supposed to and when (if) you have children of your own, you'll do the same. Thus the world marches on and when the day comes, your children will no more be responsible for you than you are for your parents.

We must always be on guard against co-dependency in our relationships with our loved ones; it's unhealthy and destructive. If it's the established pattern, breaking out of it can be difficult, but it's essential for us to be healthy and happy. If your parents can't do it, then all you can do is take care of yourself.

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I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

Chimera

One thing to understand, or at the minimum accept is the generation difference at play here. When our parents were forming the personalities they now have, this world was a very different place, and thus many of the things we do not see as acceptable were instilled into the mindset they grew up with. This may seem an easily changed, or "outgrown" mentality but, it usually is not.
The Psycology of our parents generation is dying in this one, and likely they know it and are confused about the current society, just as we are about the past. My recommendation is to simply accept the negatives of this relationship....and try to dwell on the positives, indeed search these aspects out, and enjoy them. Then quit worrying about things you cannot/ should not change in the mind of another, as the worry is counter-productive in this case.

Toaster126

I think it should be the goal of every parent to have their kid end up happier, more sucessful, etc. than them. If that isn't the goal, I think it damn well should be.

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"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

thingstodo

Damn right! It's just the way it should be!!!!

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If you're wringing your hands you can't roll up your shirt sleeves.

Stangers have the best candy.

analog

Yeah, i've never heard of a parent whose goal it wasn't that they wanted their kids to do better than them. If they look down on you in any way for doing better than them, then they're just falling victim to some nasty jealousy- either of you, or they hate themselves for not doing better than they did.

Either way, don't worry.

stevie667

I believe it is the aim of every child to do better than their parents (or at least on par), and their parents to get them there. This may be through money, education or other routes, but its about being able to offer more for your kids when they come around, so they can offer more to theirs, and so on and so forth.

As for the whole pissing you off thing, they're your family, they're genetically engineered to do so.

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Ourcrazymodern?

Rejoice and be glad in what you've done and remember that your parents gave you life. If they "look sad" think of it as "melancholy" and experience a moment of compassion. No doubt they love you and are very proud of you!

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BE JUST AND FEAR NOT

thingstodo

And maybe what you see isn't about you!

__________________
If you're wringing your hands you can't roll up your shirt sleeves.

Stangers have the best candy.

Phant84

I think I can safely say I know how you feel, atleast partially. (parents have been divorced 11yrs)

My dad always made a big deal about him being the "big dog" of the family. Even though I didn't live with him and he didn't pay child support, this was always a big deal for him.

When I hit the point in my life where he and I were making about the same, he got extremely bitter. Reason being I had more to so for it. My dad's problem was that he was an alcoholic. Even though he earned a decent salary, all he had to show for it was a run down trailer and no personal vehicle. He blew everything on booze.

By the time I was earning double what he was, he started accusing me of dealing drugs, stealing cars, etc. For about 6 months, I just blew him off and never talked to him. It took him having seizures and going to ER to get us in the same room. It took him checking into rehab for us to be able to talk the 3 hr drive it took to get him there.

I'm not suggesting that your father is an alcoholic, I'm just saying, don't make my mistake. Don't wait to talk. If I hadn't waited so long to talk to him, I could have saved both of us a lot of hurt.

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Phant

Irrationality is the square root of all evil