scarglitter

I am feeling so guilty...I mostly need to get this off my chest, but am very interested in other's opinions on the matter. Any advice or insight is greatly appreciated...Also, I read the post on "Before you vent about your parents." This thread is more targeted to healing a poor relationship with mine - and trying to deal with guilt.

I am 23 years old. I worked so hard to graduate from college magna cumme laude, double major, while working 30-40 hours a week, in 4.5 years. Now, I have an awesome job in the field (psychiatry research). I make pretty good money, have wonderful benefits and quite a bit of prestige (for my age). I am planning to apply to grad school in the next couple of years, and will go for a PhD. Okay, so I am humble in daily life, but honestly, very proud of myself. Lots of hard work (I tend to work 45-55 hours a week) and skill have led me to where I am. Also, luck and networking are involved in the equation. So why do I feel like total crap?

Well....My parents are lower middle class. They both have BS degrees, and my dad has worked his whole life. The problem is, they are not very successful and make it clear they are very unhappy. My mom has not worked in almost 30 years, and my dad has worked very hard to support our family. We never starved and we always had a roof over our heads, but there have always been obvious financial troubles. I have so much respect for my dad. I do have issues with my mom refusing to work - but that is not for this post.

So, back to the guilt issue...Now, I make more than my dad, have better benefits, and more perks to my job. I try really hard not to bring it up, but he always asks me questions about those aspects of my job. Lately, I have a feeling that I no longer make my parents proud. I seem to make them feel bad. My dad seems hurt that my mentors are all very successful PhDs or MDs.

It is extremely hard to visit them, when all they do are ask questions and look sad if I answer. I can not stand lying to them, and I try to downplay everything and change the subject. I just do not feel comfortable in my new skin as a young professional woman around my parents. So I try to talk about other things, such as sports, movies or books (or let them talk about anything they want), but then the gap growing between us just becomes more apparent.

As hard as I try not to, I become irritated with their bad grammar, poor manners, and so on. It is so painful to have these feelings for my parents. I can barely control myself anymore - sometimes I become irritated and just have to leave. I have no idea how to handle this situation. I love them so much, but it is painful to be around them. I feel guilty to be where I am at my age. I think they are no longer accepting me, and see me as a snob (especially with some comments lately), which may be somewhat accurate because I do like to present myself nicely. But I have always been that way, I just never had the money to really do it to this extent.

It is sad because as I continue working hard to achieve my goals, I feel these problems with guilt and anger will only grow. Is there anyone out there with some insight? It is becoming clear that I would benefit from some psychiatric help.

Thank you for reading....