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Old 01-27-2007, 12:46 AM   #8 (permalink)
Martian
Young Crumudgeon
 
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Location: Canada
So much to say.

First off, congratulations. You deserve to be proud after what you've done for yourself. Heck, you're making me feel like I've wasted my life... I'm 23 and I haven't accomplished half as much. Pride in one's work where earned is normal, justified and totally okay.

That said.. well, I don't need to tell you about projecting. You are the psych major, after all. But since it's much harder to see traits and patterns in ourselves than it is in others, I'd like to suggest you take a moment to consider the difference between the way people feel and the way you think they feel. I don't know you or your parents; I have no idea how your relationship with them normally is, so I can't offer anything other than shot-in-the-dark general advice, but the first thing I'd ask is whether they really feel as depressed as you think they do, or if it's more your guilt causing you to perceive them as that way. Now that it's out of the way however, I will assume that you do know that this is really them and not you.

The bottom line here is, you don't have any real control over how your parents feel. Sad, but true. If they're hellbent on holding a grudge because of all of your (rather spectacular) accomplishments, there's very little you can do about it. By all means talk to them about it, but be prepared for the worst. Communication can solve a great many problems, but it won't cure everything.

You can't fix them.

If they're hell-bent on feeling this way, all that's left for you to do is fix yourself. That starts with realizing that you have managed a great deal and that there's a great deal more in store for you. They provided the foundations, but you're the one that built on them and put in all that work to achieve your goals.

To put that in context, I'll discuss my own history. Financially speaking, it sounds like my upbringing was very similar to yours. My parents divorced when I was very young, leaving my mother to support myself and my two siblings. Like you, I can say that we never went hungry, but we also didn't have a lot. Now, there are other circumstances that affected my development, but I'm past using those as excuses. Bottom line is, if I'd worked at it I could've had a great deal more by now. I always knew that I was smart and that I had the potential to do a great many things, but instead I dropped out of high school moved out on my own and, to use the cliche, fell in with the wrong crowd. It's only now, at the age when you've pretty much established yourself, that I've smartened up and started to fix things. This thread isn't about me, but I will put in that I did finish high school just last spring (something I'm immensely proud of, myself) and am planning to go to college next year. It's going to require a lot of effort for me to fix the mess I've made of things, but I am on the right track.

Comparing the two paths side by side, I hope you can see just how much you have to be proud of. That is the point of the exercise, after all.

So now here we are. Through your hard work and your effort, you've accomplished a lot. You have more than your parents now and things are only going to get better for you. It's not unreasonable to feel a bit guilty at this point; after all, they gave you so much. They provided for you and it's possible that you feel like now that the shoe's on the other foot, you're obligated to take care of them in some way. Only that's not the case. They did their job; they did what good parents are supposed to and when (if) you have children of your own, you'll do the same. Thus the world marches on and when the day comes, your children will no more be responsible for you than you are for your parents.

We must always be on guard against co-dependency in our relationships with our loved ones; it's unhealthy and destructive. If it's the established pattern, breaking out of it can be difficult, but it's essential for us to be healthy and happy. If your parents can't do it, then all you can do is take care of yourself.
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I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame
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