abaya

I am wondering if there are any "only children" out there, and in particular, if you struggle with your duties as a daughter or son to your parent(s). I ask this because I know that for a lot of families, there are always "other" siblings to take up this duty... or who, at best, are more willing that you are to take care of your parents when they get old and possibly sick. But what happens with an only child situation?

This is something that has been stressing me out a great deal lately... though it's nothing new. (Feel free to skip to the bottom if this is too long.)

My mom has been alone for a long time, and her issues are legion. She is over 60 and refuses to go back to therapy, and always thinks she is going to die tomorrow despite her relatively decent health (she talked about suicide all the time when I was a kid, usually as a threat to get my attention). I have had to be the "parent" to my mom, emotionally, for most of my life... and now that I'm recently married and heading towards 30 and having my own kids, she's getting even more insecure/clingy/demanding/guilt-tripping. She feels regularly "jealous" of my husband, saying that he's "taking me away from her," etc. She always talks about what a loving child I was, when I was about 5 years old, "holding on to her leg" and how I've changed since then. (Since I don't cling on to her leg, apparently, that means that I don't love her anymore.)

She has no concept of boundaries and gets very hurt when I set any of them (she's Thai, notoriously dependent on daughters for everything)... that tends to be a strongly cultural thing, since there is no such thing as privacy in Thai families. Everyone's business is yours, and vice versa.

Granted, she has several valid reasons for her insecurity, and I understand those. My father died when she was 8 months pregnant with me (after just a short time of being married to him, after she was 34 and had waited all her life for a "good man,"), and then after 17 years my stepfather decided to leave her (he IS a good man, but she never admits to it because she drove him away... so instead, he's "to blame"). They were never married. Lack of trust, and total codependency between them... very unhealthy.

Then her mother died just over a year ago, and my mom was the primary caretaker... it was pancreatic cancer, very painful to watch her die in our home. But now my mom has given my grandma a kind of immortal/martyr status, and has also taken on herself the title of being the ultimate altruistic child who gave up everything to take care of her mother (hint, hint... right? you see it coming).

Then my mom's closest sister left Seattle after 28 years of being by her side, practically, to live her with husband in Las Vegas... and that was a massive support ripped out from under my mom.

Then I got married, which was the end-all of everything for her, apparently. You should have seen her the night before the wedding. I have never seen such behavior. And this latest development seems to have sent her into a tailspin of depression that has been almost as bad as when my stepdad left her 10 years ago. She was never truly happy for my marriage, which hurt me a lot.

The list goes on and on. My mom has had a lot of shit happen to her, I realize. I have a ton of compassion for my mom... I just don't have a lot of tolerance for her behavior as a result, and the fact that she refuses to go to counseling "because it never helped" when she did go, really pisses me off. She expects ktspktsp and I to move right back home as soon as I finish my PhD (yeah, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight) so she can raise our children and "make her happy" that way. Can anyone say, AAAAAAAAH?!

She gets so lonely and pathetic, but then she tries to solve that by being even more clingy and demanding... which makes me avoid her even more, and NOT want to move home ever again. (And hey, I call/e-mail her at least 3 times a week, if not more... and visit several times a year, so it's not like I ignore her.) Yet she persists, thinking that if she just keeps making demands, someday I'll give in. Which I never have, since right about age 5.

But there are no other siblings to ask for help on this. It's her and me. That's it. And hence why I want to know what other "only-children" have done in similar situations, if they exist. I am not in favor of any kind of "disowning" of my mother; I do love her, at some level, and I will not abandon her to a nursing home or any such place when the time comes. If I'm Asian at all, I'm Asian in my treatment of elders. But I don't know how to resolve this issue for my own sanity, and to repair the relationship with my mom, if it is even possible.

Thoughts?

EDIT: I have been in counseling for a long time regarding this issue, and was doing a decent job of setting boundaries with my mom and having productive talks... but the marriage thing seems to have sent her over the edge. I am at a loss, and very scared of how things will be when we have children or when she actually starts to be unhealthy or sick. Did I mention she also has panic attacks, so she has been on anti-depressants for some decade or so...

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Grasshopper Green

Although neither hubby or I are only children, I can somewhat understand where you are coming from, and I sympathize.

Hubby and I just found out that his mother has hepatitis C. She is unemployed, lives by herself, and has no health insurance. Hubby has a sister, but she is pregnant, single, already a mom of a 2 year old, and just started a cleaning business with a friend (I have no idea if it is bringing in money or not) She has 3 sisters, one of who already cares for her dying husband, another one has a husband that suffered a pretty major stroke and needs assistance. This leaves sister number 3, who has major family troubles of her own and can't afford to take care of MIL. MIL is due to begin chemotherapy soon, and hubby and I are seriously considering the fact that someone may have to help take care of her (at least temporarily)...and that means us.

My mom also concerns us, but for different reasons. She is also single, but she works and has health insurance. She is 53, overweight, and just had a knee replaced...and may need to have the other one done. Strokes and heart attacks run in her family. Hubby and I know that if she ever needs to move in with someone, it will be us. Again, I'm not an only child, but the only child able to take this on. My sister has major health problems and can barely take care of herself and her family, let alone take on someone else.

This topic is definitely something I have thought about; I don't worry about it, but I think about it once in awhile and try to imagine what an addition to the household would do to our family dynamic. MIL and Mom are family; I have never considered having them put in a home (if it ever came down to that). As long as I can help them, I will.

As far as repairing your relationships...I have no advice, just encouragement. She is difficult, she is needy, she is driving you crazy...and she is the only mother you'll ever have (MIL's just aren't quite the same). Just love her the best you can

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"They say that patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings; steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king"

Formerly Medusa

abaya

Thanks, Medusa. I appreciate your commiseration, and especially your point that it is not always "onlies" who have to make this decision (is it a decision, or a result of other people's unwillingness/inability to take responsibility?). I guess in a perfect family, there would be at least a few siblings who were all willing to work together somehow to get their parent(s) through old age and death, without placing the burden unduly on one subfamily or another. But how often does that really happen, I wonder...

In any case, this is one reason why ktspktsp and I hope to have more than one child (heck, even two isn't a guarantee of less burden, since that's his case and he still feels a weight). I don't want any of my offspring to feel that kind of heaviness, all on one person, as I grow older. Maybe I'm just American in that sense, I don't know... I don't want anyone to care for me out of obligation, but because it's their own decision. I'd rather live alone or in a group home than place that kind of burden on a child, y'know?

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

hagatha

You would think that this is the plight of the only child, but not necessarily. I have two older siblings, significantly older actually, who have completely washed their hands of any issues regarding our aging parents. I am left to deal with it. My mother is very emotionally reliant on me and panics if she thinks I'm not available.
I've already told her that if she needs me, I will come home for a period of time and help her out. My brother and sister just pretend nothing is happening and I can't talk to them about it either.
So I would not necessarily consider this an only child issue, it really comes down to personalities.

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Thats the last time I trust the strangest people I ever met....H. Simpson

Charlatan

I think the issue of dealing with my aging Mom was solved when she married a man 17 years her junior.

I only have to worry that he will leave her or she him.

I am, however, worried about who is going to deal with my wife's Mom. My wife has two brothers who are highly unlikely to be looking after her in her old age so that leaves it to my wife.

This is especially problematic if we continue to live abroad.

My wife's Mom was not very supportive of our move and continues to suggest that it is a bad idea. Even she admits she is being selfish. This is a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

abaya

Yep, same here. My mom is freaking out this morning because I did not e-mail or call her yesterday. She has been clingier than ever since I got married... it is really sad to me, since she was doing so well before that. Uff, sometimes I wonder if I even want to have children, if there is any potential to become so attached to/dependent on them to the point where you have no life of your own.

And I agree with you that it's not just only children... I guess in my experience, multiple siblings have always worked together in some way or another to help their parents, even if it's just financial support pooled together. But I recognize that not all families are that way. I suppose I figure that if I had more siblings, this responsibility wouldn't be so heavy on me... but maybe it would be the same, as you say Hagatha.

Charlatan, I hear you on the living abroad thing. My mom is constantly scared that ktspktsp is going to "haul me off" to Lebanon (as if I have no choice in the matter?), even though I've told her that there's a greater chance we'd be in France or Iceland long-term, instead. And, she could come live with us, if it came to that. But she seems unwilling to relocate, even though her own mother did it for her... (from Thailand to Seattle), which seems fundamentally selfish to me. Yet she says that I am selfish. I just don't see how to solve this right now.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

shesus

I am an only child too and think about this sometimes. My mom has overcome Hep C and a bout with possible lung cancer while I lived away. I never did get a chance to visit her in the hospital. Luckily, she is still married and her sisters and brother are very close. I don't feel the burden, even though I'm 9 hours away because there is so much family that I left behind.

Do I feel guilty? Yes. In a perfect world you wouldn't feel it or have to worry about this stuff.

I don't have any advice as I don't feel put upon by either one of my parents. Good luck to you though. And continue with those boundaries, in-laws can put much pressure on a marriage.

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I heard you sold it

Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

JustJess

The issue is definitely more pronounced if you're an only child, I'll give you that... but I think it's more about daughters than anything. Rarely do the sons think to take care of their elderly parents. It's a daughter's "duty". The only exception to that that I know of is my uncle - he and his wife were absolutely amazing with my grandmother (they were the only ones in the same state, etc.). Even then... it was mostly my married-into-the-family-aunt who took on the larger share of the burden. And my mom felt/feels guilty about that like nobody's business - even moved in with Grandma for a couple of years to try to help. Ah, guilt...

Frankly, I don't see anything else you could be doing. You continue to love her, and let her know that in word and action, but you don't - and should NOT - give up your life to subjugate to her insecurity. Nothing like insecurity to make a person ridiculously selfish, eh? (I'm looking at Charlatan's MIL here too, by the way. Clearly she's worrying about getting older too, etc, etc, etc.)

As long as you are clear that you would be there for her in the case of a serious health issue, what else can you do? Repeat after me (while I remind myself of this for my family too):

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER HAPPINESS. ONLY SHE CAN MAKE HERSELF HAPPY. IT'S OKAY TO BE HAPPY WHEN SHE'S NOT. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

And don't move back to Seattle, for gods' sakes. Not now. It's a silly power struggle, but one I think you should win.

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My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

abaya

Thanks, Jess (and shesus). Believe me, I was repeating that to myself over and over last week, because I had said the very same thing TO my mother in an e-mail... (after repeating it to her in person when she laid down the guilt after Christmas, when we visited), that only she can make her own happiness, that I am essentially unable to do that for her, etc. What happens when I tell her this is that she thinks I am abandoning her and walking away from my responsibility as her child. She does not hear my cry for independence, for the right to life my life without the burden of guilt... she only hears her own emptiness and insecurity, and her culture reinforces that the children are the ones who solve those feelings for their parents. And most Thai children do that, sadly. There is very little acceptance of counseling, boundaries, that kind of thing, for Thais... especially women.

But I won't do it, I refuse to, not unless she is really in poor health. I just don't want to actually reject my mom in the process. I want her to accept what I am giving her, as being good enough. I want her to be happy with what she has. I feel like I can never measure up to what she wants from me. I really hate disappointing anyone, but there are just some things that I cannot do. I just wish she would take the fucking pressure off and LOVE me the way that *I* need to be loved, which she has never considered.

And don't worry Jess, we are moving to Iceland first. Seattle, maybe later, we'll see. But it will never be because my mom is asking me to do it. It will be because we *want* to do it, and for no other reason.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Charlatan

I find it interesting that our North American response is to say that our lives are out own. In Asia, it isn't the case. As a child you have filial responsibilities to your parent.

They looked after you and you *must* look after them. Your individual needs are secondary to this.

Your mother, being Thai, may be struggling with this.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

abaya

Yeah, I mentioned this in the previous post... the fact that Thai children (especially daughters) have no choice but to look after their parents. And I mean, no choice. Children, even adult children, do not get a choice in this matter. "Boundaries" and "healthy independence and a sense of self" are NOT values in Thai society.

And as an anthropologist I understand this on an intellectual level, but not a gut one. I can only be culturally relative to a certain point in my own life, and this is not one area where I will bow down and be Thai. YES, I will look after my mom when she gets to the point of needing to be looked after. But the fact is, she has no severe health problems other than that she is overweight. She is in her early 60s. She looks after herself just fine in every regard, except that she does not eat healthily and does not exercise. So frankly, given her overall health (she also lives with her brother, sister-in-law, and nephew... all Thai, and they give her some company in the house) there is just no reason for her to be freaking out in this manner, except that she has always done it... even when I crossed the street to spend the night at a friend's house when I was a kid. She wants me to be within her sight and reach at all times, until the day she dies. If she had it her way, I would never have left home, never gone away to school, never had any relationships with anyone other than her (including my stepdad). She would rather that I never married, but it's the only way for her to acquire grandkids... so she "permits" it. To me, that's not just Thai... that's an anxiety or personality (narcissism?) disorder. So that is what I am dealing with, more than anything.

Anyway, sorry for the vent, there's a lot stored up about this...

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

dlish

though im not an 'only child', im the younger twin. i also have a younger bro and sis. but i can identify with u abaya.

of course you know i'm lebanese, so you probably know what to expect of leb lebanese mothers (for those who dont know abayas hubby ktspktsp is of lebanese origin)

my mother is as clingy as yours. she still gets upset tat she doesnt see me ( i only live 5 mins away). shes always calling me over to eat just to see me. luckily im not the eldest twin, so its the eldest in the family that becomes head of the family and looks after the important stuff like bringing up the siblings if something should happen to a parent. luckily i was 5 mins late, so im not burdened with the responsibilities..but the clinginess never falters.. and shes like that with all my bro and sisters.

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Lizra

I'm an only child......
My mom is a tiny, bent over, fragile little 83, and has wanted to live with us for years. (her mother lived with my parents after age 75, but they had an empty nest....I don't) It just isn't workable though (she would drive me nuts within half an hour though ) so I take the time to call her everyday instead.
Over the years, she has come to accept this, and sees that this is more than lots of adult children do for their parents. She still lives an hour and a half away from us....but she has come to realize (as we all do) that you rarely get exactly what you want in life.
Call your mom lots, tell her you love her lots, but also tell her how busy you are and what a struggle it is to keep things going in your own personal life....in a roundabout way. Heh!.....make her feel (a tad) guilty for not being able to help you out more..... Be loving, but strong, don't let her mess with your mind too much. She will have to grow and mature a little more in her life I guess.....it just never ends.

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hagatha

I think its important to remember sometimes that just because parents are elderly doesn't mean they are nice. My grandmother who just turned 90 is a vicious woman who would gladly destroy anyone who was foolish enough to live with her. I see no reason why any one of her children should sacrifice their emotional well-being for her.
Likewise, were I to move in with my mother it would be a disaster. As it stands, I am of more support to her emotionally living away than I would be if we lived together. I don't believe I need to give up my life and well-being to be a good daughter.

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Thats the last time I trust the strangest people I ever met....H. Simpson

Sage

It also helps to realize that parents are people too- with their own personalities and quirks, and YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIKE THE PERSON, but you can respect their familial relationship to you.

You can respect your mom for raising you and doing (what was in her mind) the best she could. However, you don't have to like your mom, and you don't have to do what she says. Love her YOUR way, and let her know you love her YOUR way, and perhaps one day she will see that there is still love between you even though she's not getting what she wants.

If you had a toddler who was angry and demanding because they didn't get what they wanted, you'd not give in to their demands, right? Well, sometimes adults act like toddlers, and it's important to not give in to their demands as well.

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dlish

in arab culture. love and respect for your parents is of paramount importance. there is a lot of emphasis given to the respect of parents, and these expectations are generally fulfilled.

in islamic beliefs, theres a saying that says that the door to heaven is at the feet of the mother.

in essence, it means that heaven cannot be attained except by treating your parents well. you you dont have to agree to them, but love and respect is a given. i know there are similar customs in asian cultures, especially in sth east asian and chinese cultures where many of my friends come from.

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

abaya

No wonder my mother used to make me apologize by kissing her feet and begging her forgiveness.

But yeah, I agree with you dlishsguy... with ktspktsp and I having both Lebanese and Thai parental units, we're pretty much stuck.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran