abaya

Thanks, Jess (and shesus). Believe me, I was repeating that to myself over and over last week, because I had said the very same thing TO my mother in an e-mail... (after repeating it to her in person when she laid down the guilt after Christmas, when we visited), that only she can make her own happiness, that I am essentially unable to do that for her, etc. What happens when I tell her this is that she thinks I am abandoning her and walking away from my responsibility as her child. She does not hear my cry for independence, for the right to life my life without the burden of guilt... she only hears her own emptiness and insecurity, and her culture reinforces that the children are the ones who solve those feelings for their parents. And most Thai children do that, sadly. There is very little acceptance of counseling, boundaries, that kind of thing, for Thais... especially women.

But I won't do it, I refuse to, not unless she is really in poor health. I just don't want to actually reject my mom in the process. I want her to accept what I am giving her, as being good enough. I want her to be happy with what she has. I feel like I can never measure up to what she wants from me. I really hate disappointing anyone, but there are just some things that I cannot do. I just wish she would take the fucking pressure off and LOVE me the way that *I* need to be loved, which she has never considered.

And don't worry Jess, we are moving to Iceland first. Seattle, maybe later, we'll see. But it will never be because my mom is asking me to do it. It will be because we *want* to do it, and for no other reason.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran