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09-26-2003, 04:11 PM
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#1 (permalink) |
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Crazy
Location: right behind you...
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Whoops, the chainsaw slipped...
warning to people sensitive of death n shit
so today i was in chat with floonine and i asked him if he'd be so kind as to cut off my right arm with a chainsaw. he tried. he ended up killing yzer!  so it is my responsibility to explain to his parents what happened! i want you guys to write a letter, too! about anyone. it's sick and, well, funny. ahem Dear Mr. and Mrs. Yzer (aka frodo) Today I talked with your son and I hate to say this, but I had the unfortunate chance to watch my friend floonine fuck up and accidentally kill your son. Whoops. See, I am disabled (wheelchair bound) and I have a high belief in demonic forces (Hall & Oats for instance) and was convinced that my arm was possessed like in the movie The Evil Dead (or part two where the corpse dances ballerina style with no head) even though I read no magick out loud or summoned anything. To be frank, I think I actually had a muscle spasm. My bad! Sense I feared demonic possession and I knew that if the arm could make noise it would started doing Hall & Oats’ music or Bill O’Reilley speeches or kill me or some other inconvenience. (what if I was.. nevermind..) So I selfishly asked floonine to cut off the arm with a chainsaw. He tried. He murdered your kid. Ummm. Well anyhow, yzer came in and was dressed like ninja or he had on one of those clocks that Flava Flav wore. Hmm. Anyhow. Whatever he wore, it worked at concealing him. (Maybe he had a huge costume made from the flesh of starved chameleons like the transvestite did to the fat chicks in Silence of the Lambs?) I imagine you may be angry at us. Please remember, FLOON did it. He died quickly. I did apply a band aide. I would have used my shirt to stop the blood flow but, dude, that shirt was fuckin rad. Anyhow, um . I would type more but I’m bor – er um. I’m tired. Wheelchair.. Um. Sorry. Blame floon and enjoy the fruit cake. - PS: If you guys aren’t too upset I’d like to raid his room before the cops or his friends come and please do not look for porn. Your First True Love..? -Z heh so.... not very funny btu worth a laugh. Your turn! |
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09-26-2003, 04:21 PM
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#2 (permalink) |
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comfortably numb...
Super Moderator
Location: upstate
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z, you are one sick puppy...
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it. |
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09-27-2003, 06:39 AM
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#6 (permalink) | |
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Everything's better with bacon
Location: In your local grocer's freezer.
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Quote:
I regret to inform you that your "son", Bones, was...uh..."relieved of duty" today. It seems that he was climbing telephone poles out in Lisle when he fell. He was spared death from an impact with the ground when his exposed scrotum got hung up on one of the pegs on the telephone pole. Let me digress a moment and congratulate you on a boy whose ball sack was not only strong enough to support his weight, but attractive as well, due to its well groomed status....uh...anyway. It seems he hung there for sometime and was in relatively good spirits, according to passersby, until the accident. There was a semi hauling chicken feces to a crayon processing plant that went out of control. It seems that fumes from the chicken feces made the driver a bit crazy. He thought that Bones hanging from the telephone pole was like the brass ring on a carousel and, well, let's just say by the time we got to him, he had drowned in about 50,000 gallons of chicken feces. We will be forwarding you his personal effects recovered at the scene which include: 1 pink leotard 2 tap shoes-1 yellow, 1 blue 1 muskrat coat 1 copy of a VHS tape-Electric Boogaloo $30.00 in pennies AND 1 Barnie electric toothbrush Again, my condolences for the loss of your child. Sincerely, Lisle PD
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It was like that when I got here....I swear. |
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09-27-2003, 08:26 AM
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#7 (permalink) | |
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not your typical god-fearing junkie
Location: State of Confusion
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God I'm glad I read this thread...
Quote:
---------------------- Dear Mr. and Mrs. Z- Your son Z had an unfortunate accident earlier today as an unknown assailant attacked from the bushes and kidnapped him. We later found his charred corpse some distance away. Barring any mismatch in dental records, we presume this is Z. -Yzerman -------------------------------------- Dear Mr. and Mrs. Bones. A neighbor reported a "foul smell" coming from his basement and when arriving downstairs, Bones' rotting corpse was found bound and gagged in a chair. Soaked in his own excrement, Bones was presumed dead for some time. Horrified onlookers wept as Bones' corpse was hauled from the basement to the "meat-wagon" sometime around 10AM. We are truly sorry for your loss, but this is the way I would have wanted it to happen. -Y ---------------------------- Fuck you both!
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the light that burns twice as bright burns half as long and you have burned so very, very brightly |
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09-27-2003, 07:50 PM
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#11 (permalink) |
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Crazy
Location: right behind you...
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i feel very tired but wantedt o make wrki grin so here ya go. sorry if it's not very funny but alas i am fucking exchausted.
 who should i kill next? Dear Mrs Wrkime I regret to tell you that you’re whacko husband no longer exists on this level on consciousness. He had a very unfortunate accident having to do with a jelly donut and Ms. Bobbit. He went to work today (I know cuz I was stalking him) and seemed a bit fidgety. This struck me odd. I then realized I was stalking a geek married guy in his mid years. I realized maybe he wasn’t the odd one. . . anyhow. I was worried, so naturally, I went and found some crack. Grade A, this stuff, it just looked kinda. . . odd. . . but, ya know, there is no such thing as ‘bad crack’. So I put it in his tobacco. Why do you keep interrupting me? Quiet! . . .are you there? …. I’m so confused… where was i? oh yes. . the orgy. Uh.. crack I figured since he didn’t ever smoke I’d put it in the chaw. It felt good to do a good deed. So good, in fact, that I also put some tar heroin in with it. I am daddy’s good little boy! So he dipped… looked at a pink unicorn that was under his car, blinked, then went back to work. (I tried the smack, too! Ha ha!) So anyhow, how is Bob doing? … back to the unicorn. Your husband took a coffee break and walked to a near by donut shop. I went inside, too. He looked kind of sick. It was hard to see how anyone could feel bad in a donut slash sex shop! I decided I’d talk to him, but I felt like Santa Claus; you know, giving him gifts! So I got out of my wheelchair and walked over. His face was so shocked! I guess my shirt with Z and the infinitly popular www.whoaitsz.com site hat threw my cover! He said ‘am I dreaming?’. I said ‘yes, ha ha’. He said ‘I hope these donuts are fresh.’ And I noticed that his normal pasty whiteness was um whiter. He looked at me odd, like a guy preparing to give a passionate kiss or rob someone. Strange days. . . Um… are you real? So he asked me if I was in his dream why wasn’t I naked except for a pink tutu. I told him, obviously, pink wasn’t for me. He seemed to dwell on this and said ‘okay’. So I asked him if he felt better. I asked him if sugar made him feel bad. Being wrkime, the guy with never ending desire to let people know he has to pee or poo, he said it made him poo a lot. I told him I didn’t like that image. He told me he didn’t ask to be going crazy. I thought, ‘fair enough’. He then got up and jabed himself in the crotch with a crucifix like in the exorcist. I thought, okay, he is flakey. He then stopped and told me he was going to a place where everybody was 13 year old boys and he. . skipped. . into the wall and yelled ‘I will have a pornsite if I damn well wish, bitch! Fuck you and your donut.’ Ten or so minutes later he quit shaking and siezuring. Well. He still shook, but his pulse was gone. He was dead! Just like wrkime, though, he haaaaad to do something over the top; he siezured again. Well now I figure, jees, this is taking too long. I had an appointment with bones to discuss our hamsters on wheels project. So. . . I shot him in the spine. It worked. I left. Ha ha. He is so silly! Your pal – Z! ha ha! |
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09-28-2003, 06:07 AM
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#12 (permalink) |
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Everything's better with bacon
Location: In your local grocer's freezer.
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Z, LOL...you bastard. Funny thing is you know me too well, there is a lot of stuff in there that is scary real...which is why it's so damn funny to me.
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It was like that when I got here....I swear. |
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09-28-2003, 10:48 AM
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#15 (permalink) | |
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Crazy
Location: right behind you...
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Quote:
if i pissed a friend off i'd feel like shit wrk i meant to add a note that people may miss some of the jokes. who shall i crucify tonight? mac? sixate? i may kill myself! i could do up but i've never done fiction on dinosaurs :P |
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09-28-2003, 01:05 PM
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#16 (permalink) |
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comfortably numb...
Super Moderator
Location: upstate
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hey, z, familiar with the military alphabet?
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it. |
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09-28-2003, 01:46 PM
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#17 (permalink) |
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comfortably numb...
Super Moderator
Location: upstate
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bones, i love the way you think...
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it. |
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09-28-2003, 09:49 PM
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#21 (permalink) |
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Crazy
Location: right behind you...
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i didn't have time to edit
enjoy! dear whoever pushed out Yourneverthere and ogre840’s mom too. I write to you to let you know that I am doing pretty well. Yesterday I felt horrible, but you know how it is with me! Anyhow. The darnest thing happened. Me, YNT and ogre had a very cool experience involving a peaceful protest that got less than peaceful toward the end. I made it out without harm, my charisma, ya know? It saves me! But this story isn’t all good! Your sons are dead. I should had told you that first! Ha ha! Sometimes my absent mind even surprise moi! YNT thanked me for proving that there were indeed some very good protests that can be done without violence. Or arson! (get it? Arson. Anarchy, ha ha!) Anyhow, so we protested hard and long. The cause was dear to us. There was a strip joint that was beyond classy and also had crack whores! One day a cop went there off duty. He was surprised when a stripper gave him head out of the blue. He got up and ran out calling for mommy. (I wonder if he zipped up…) Anyhow, according to the cops, like cops know the law!!, this was illegal. They shut it down. We protested. Singing songs that were sophisticated. . . which didn’t work. We hoped it would draw some women ya know (wink wink) so we tried chanting. I am a poet, so I said… “hey hey ho ho the strippers don’t wanna fucking go hey hey oh no you found out about the crack ho!’ Some reason YNT and ogre gave me a look of annoyance. The cops were frowning now. So we worked hard. I rode around and had an idea from a movie. In the movie Airheads there were three rock and roll wannabes who took over a radio station with water guns! So I bought some! I returned and threw them to my buds. They looked shocked. Ha ha! “DIE COPPERS!” I screeched and sprayed my uzis. I heard one cop say ‘that boy is a fucking idiot!’. I am unsure which of your sons he referred to. Sorry! So YNT shot his too, as did ogre. The cops were pissed but did a good job at restraint. We ran out of water so I went and got more. “Take a bath, pig!” Ogre cried, grinning and pulled the trigger. I knew the guns seemed heavier. I bought real ones! My bad. Two cops went down and then all hell broke lose. After this I was rolling fast as possible and went into wal-mart. I then got out of my chair and ran to the hemmeroid cream session. It worked! They never found me! So… I went by. They were both dead. Inside the envelope you should see a picture of them. I use blue ink for the smiles cuz.. ya know with all the mess. Anyway, no worries. I am safe. Take care! -Your friend Z! |
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09-30-2003, 11:20 PM
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#26 (permalink) |
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Crazy
Location: right behind you...
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heehee.......
Dear Mr. and Mrs MacGNG I regret to inform you that Mac died last night. Once again it’s related to me. I would had called last night but I would had missed the Daily Show. Strange huh? Ha ha! People always jump if I get too close to them in fear I’ll run over em. Now they’ll be afraid to die! Ha ha! As you may know he is second admin on my site. Um. He was… ha ha. So if you wanna see his porn feel free to login! How it happened… hmm. Today he came to see me in real life. We had spent the day at a petting zoo and Mac kept making jokes that he normally talked to animals because of pills. I shook my head and played with a goat. We left and went to a bar. Bars don’t smell well, so, why not? Next thing we knew this person bought him a drink. He was elated. “Mac l-“ ”Z, not now.” “Fine I said” and took four shots of Absolut back to back. I felt good and decided to dance. After realizing the terror ensuing due to a mostly drunk metal head looking guy in a wheelchair trying to dance, I left the floor and saw Mac. Poor Mac never saw the adam apple. Now I was amused. They left and went to a vehicle, when all of a sudden it looked like Mac had been possessed or snorted coke or maybe got diahria or something cuz he ran in quick, and forgot there was a glass door. I would love to tell you I felt horrible, but honestly it was fucking hysterical. The man ran and picked him up and I told him that he was with me and I showed him our vehicle. He gently tossed Mac in like a bag of potatoes not meant to become mashed. ‘thanks, lad er ma… um…… thanks!’ I said and walked to the door. The thing said he thought I was disabled. I assured him I was, yet during times of great physical pain for friends I could run. He said ‘way cool’. I said ‘yup’ and loaded the chair and went home. Mac was awake and seemed direly confused. Then I remembered that, hey, it’s Mac. This was normal. Hell. If he wasn’t confused I’d be scared! Ha ha! We went back to my house and he asked what pills I told him about for my leg. I told him and went into my room when I saw a dead rat. Uh oh! I was out of pain pills. . . and put arsenic in the bottle. My bad! Imagine my embarrassment! Ha ha! When I went in there he looked really odd. Clammy, sweating. I went to the kitchen so scared that I grabbed the first thing in sight: some oooooooolllldddddd everclear I saved. He drank a swallow then his eyes rolled back… I hated to call 911. they are messy! After he was covered up and taken to the morgue I stopped and had a three seconds of quiet memorial. He was a good man and I miss him. And that is that. - my congr er condoneessess - Z PS: he ruined my carpet. I expect a $2k check in the mail lest we go to court. Do not fuck with me! |
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10-01-2003, 09:20 PM
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#28 (permalink) |
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Crazy
Location: right behind you...
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this comes un edited. sorry!!
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Thrae….. Hello there! I have good and bad news. The good news is I successfully cured Thrae’s arachnophobia, the bad news is.. um. Well. It killed him. Ironic, huh? Ha ha! Well, they say phobias are hard to fix! I met with his girl and she told me she needed him to accept spiders. So I had a great idea. I’d purchase a cage and throw him in it and let the spiders live around him. She disagreed. I cried, she hit me, I quit. So we took him to a pet shop. After three hours of trying he finally let us put one on his bald head. He screamed like a ten year old girl on helium. I sighed. I told him I had the same phobia before, but he didn’t care. He told me I always said people scared me, at which point I remembered and passed out. I woke up slowly and looked around. Jinya rolled her eyes and mumbled gripes about men being weak and scared of everything. I disagreed, but kept it to myself. She scared me! All of the sudden we heard a shrill girlish laugh. “He found another spider!” Jinya groaned. I found him on top of the kitchen table, roughly fifty feet from a spider. I got a jar and removed the harmless eight-legged wonder. ‘It’s okay, girly boy, it’s gone’, I said. “I am a person!”, Thrae shot back. I wavered. “True, true.” Ohhhhh I’m tired! To make a long story short we finally tied him up and covered him in spiders. He lived, didn’t go insane, and was at peace. A few days later I pointed one out to him; a daddy long legs. He said ‘isn’t that cutey wutey’ and picked up a black widow. Time slowed. “””””NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!””””””” iiiiii ssssssaaaaaaaaaiiiiidddddddd. It was a black widow. It stung him and he screamed and… he lived. Several weeks later he agreed to talk to me. I felt awful. “See… I had a right to be scared.” He said sulkenly. So we took him home. He was happy. That night an UFO flew in from space! ‘MOMMY’ Thrae yelled in extreme happiness! I frowned, Jinya blinked. “It explains so much.” I said softly. The… ship… looked like a bald heads. We thought he was original! Geesh! Ha ha! The ship opened up and Thrae screamed his girlish scream. Out of the ship walked a thirty foot long giant cyborg spider! With wheels! “Bwuahahahaha!” the spider squeked, sounding like a bad guy sucking helium. “I HAVE COME TO FINISH YOU, GIRLY MAN!” The spider was a nightmare walking except it wore a pink tutu. “I would had been afraid, too!” Jinya gasped. I pulled a battle axe out of my backpack and rushed the spider. I hit it, wounding it when it said ‘boo!’. I ran like a bitch and it yelled “Look a person!” I hit the ground, barely conscience. The spider grabbed Thrae, at him and asked for beer. How rude! It then shrunk to the size of an ant and returned to the ship. It explained why tiny spiders scared him. Jinya cried, I conforted, realized she was human and passed out. He died bravely, even if wielding a girly voice. -your gimpy friend Z! |
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| chainsaw, slipped, whoops |
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