this comes un edited. sorry!!
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Thrae…..
Hello there! I have good and bad news. The good news is I successfully cured Thrae’s arachnophobia, the bad news is.. um. Well. It killed him. Ironic, huh? Ha ha! Well, they say phobias are hard to fix!
I met with his girl and she told me she needed him to accept spiders. So I had a great idea. I’d purchase a cage and throw him in it and let the spiders live around him.
She disagreed. I cried, she hit me, I quit.
So we took him to a pet shop. After three hours of trying he finally let us put one on his bald head. He screamed like a ten year old girl on helium. I sighed.
I told him I had the same phobia before, but he didn’t care. He told me I always said people scared me, at which point I remembered and passed out.
I woke up slowly and looked around. Jinya rolled her eyes and mumbled gripes about men being weak and scared of everything.
I disagreed, but kept it to myself. She scared me!
All of the sudden we heard a shrill girlish laugh. “He found another spider!” Jinya groaned.
I found him on top of the kitchen table, roughly fifty feet from a spider. I got a jar and removed the harmless eight-legged wonder.
‘It’s okay, girly boy, it’s gone’, I said.
“I am a person!”, Thrae shot back.
I wavered. “True, true.”
Ohhhhh I’m tired! To make a long story short we finally tied him up and covered him in spiders. He lived, didn’t go insane, and was at peace.
A few days later I pointed one out to him; a daddy long legs. He said ‘isn’t that cutey wutey’ and picked up a black widow.
Time slowed.
“””””NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!””””””” iiiiii ssssssaaaaaaaaaiiiiidddddddd.
It was a black widow. It stung him and he screamed and… he lived.
Several weeks later he agreed to talk to me. I felt awful.
“See… I had a right to be scared.” He said sulkenly.
So we took him home. He was happy.
That night an UFO flew in from space!
‘MOMMY’ Thrae yelled in extreme happiness!
I frowned, Jinya blinked. “It explains so much.” I said softly.
The… ship… looked like a bald heads. We thought he was original! Geesh! Ha ha!
The ship opened up and Thrae screamed his girlish scream. Out of the ship walked a thirty foot long giant cyborg spider! With wheels!
“Bwuahahahaha!” the spider squeked, sounding like a bad guy sucking helium. “I HAVE COME TO FINISH YOU, GIRLY MAN!”
The spider was a nightmare walking except it wore a pink tutu.
“I would had been afraid, too!” Jinya gasped.
I pulled a battle axe out of my backpack and rushed the spider. I hit it, wounding it when it said ‘boo!’. I ran like a bitch and it yelled “Look a person!” I hit the ground, barely conscience.
The spider grabbed Thrae, at him and asked for beer. How rude!
It then shrunk to the size of an ant and returned to the ship. It explained why tiny spiders scared him. Jinya cried, I conforted, realized she was human and passed out.
He died bravely, even if wielding a girly voice.
-your gimpy friend Z!
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