jRuntlets

Here's a little backround info:
My boyfriend and I have been dating since Dec., and have been friends for 6 years. He's been in the millitary for 4 years, and served a year in Iraq. He was married for a year but is now divorced. He takes himself pretty seriously, meaning when he leaves something behind he gets mad at himself ect. He's never been angry at me. Until tonight.

What happened tonight:
We were sitting on the couch after eating dinner, messing around (ie, I was tickling him), he ended up swallowing the hard candy he was eating. In trying to keep from choking on it he ended up throwing up and making a pretty big mess in the bathroom. When he came out I made eye contact with him and opened my arms to give him a hug. In return he made a fist and punched me in the stomach. I saw what was coming and stepped back, because it was clear he was stepping into the punch. I moved out of his way as quickily as I could. I am not hurt, just so everyone knows. His mom was standing not even 5 feet from where this happened. He went to get the mop and his mom said something, he threw the mop on the ground and stormed out.

When he came back he gave me a hug and said he was sorry and went to clean up the mess. Later I went outside while he was picking peaches to talk to him and he said he was sorry again. He explained that he gets very mad and doesn't know what he is doing and wasn't able to stop himself. I told him there's no excuse for hitting someone, and sorry doesn't fix it. We left it there, and either I'll call him later this week or he will call me.


So my quandry is what to do? My instinct is to be done. If he doesn't know what he's doing how can he say he'll never do it again? As well as the fact that he could really hurt me next time. Or should I say, okay this is a one time thing and forgive it. My fear with that is that he'll seriously injure me. Although he's never shown signs of being violent I really don't know what to do.

Thus far my plan of action is:
-Call his mom, and ask her if a. she saw, and b. he's ever done anything like that before.
-Give myself some time to cool off and talk to some friends.

From there I'm stuck, can anyone offer any advice?

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Horses come and go, but some leave permanent hoof prints on your life.

maleficent

It seems like a gross overreaction to an event - but it doesn't sound out of the ordinary for him, ie getting angry at leaving something behind. Has he always been like that or did coming back from Iraq make this a lot worse?

I'm not looking to make excuses for him at all, but I'm wondering if stuff he did and saw overseas maybe coming back as a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder... and his reactions or rather overreactions are the result.

I am in complete agreement with you there.

Does he realize that he has a problem with anger and is he willing to get help?

I'm glad you are looking out for yourself... Listen to your instincts, they will tell you what to do.

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jRuntlets

He's the same as he's always been, I didn't hang out with him over much prior to him going to Iraq though.

I don't think he realizes that he has an issue, and more than likely won't admit it. It's rare that he'd get angry at himself like that, but it happened none the less. This is just the first time that he's taken it out on me. He's never so much as touched me like that before.

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Horses come and go, but some leave permanent hoof prints on your life.

Seeker

I am wondering about the part where you say "He takes himself very seriously". Is this like a pride kinda way?

I'm only wondering because of the 'over-reaction'... was it due to his embarrassment, a perceived failing or weakness on his part? And do you know much about why his first marriage failed?

These are just the sort of things that I would try to find out. When you can pin-point where these actions come from, it may help with your decision to 'work through' or walk away.

I admire your ability to look after yourself. All the best...

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To those who wander but who are not lost...

~ Knowledge is not something you acquire, it is something you open yourself to.

ngdawg

When newlyweds, one night i made some snide remark and the spouse took the tv guide he'd been reading, swung it into my leg hard enough to leave a bruise. I told him if he ever did that again, I'm gone. Next night he came home with a basket of flowers-never so much as raised a hand to me again.
Eight years ago, he took a swing at our then 4 year old son and knocked him down near the tub. Again, I told him never ever do that again or HE would be gone. He's never laid a hand on him since.
My point is, there is always the potential that this will happen again. 15 days, 15 years, do you want to take the risk? The fact that he did not own up but rather gave the excuse that he wasn't able to stop himself is bullshit. If you had time to back away, he had time to stop.
Personally, I would only take him back on the condition he go to anger management and own up to his issues.

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

Squishor

To my way of thinking, it really doesn't much matter where the problem came from. When he says he can't control himself that really in a way makes the problem worse. It's kind of like a murderer using insanity as a defense - if they're a murderer and a lunatic, do we want them on the streets? No! Or like someone who gets drunk and is then abusive - being drunk is not an excuse, it only compounds the problem. Basically anyone who does something like that is broken (as in not functioning correctly) and I'd steer clear.

The only way I'd even consider staying in a relationship with someone who did something like that is possibly if he promised to change, with the utmost possible sincerity, remorse, and soul-searching, and then followed up on it by going to therapy or anger counseling. Even then, I'd be wary of getting too close or making an emotional investment because chances are he'll do it again and the longer you've been together the more painful it will be when you have to walk away. Really I think the best thing to do is to follow your instincts and get out before things get any more difficult. There is no place for that kind of behavior in a loving relationship.

Sorry for being so blunt but the story is alarming. Best of luck to you.

sillygirl

He'll do it again. I got married to a guy like that, except it didn't get physical until after we were already married. If your instinct says leave, then do it.

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Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken
....absence makes me miss him more...

MsNobody

My exhusband used to hit me. I stayed in the relationship hoping I could help him, well we all know that wishing for something, doesn't make it happen. I divorced him. I started dating this guy who was very nice, one night, as I was getting up off the couch I stepped on his toe, he hit me. I was really stunned, he apologized right away and said it was a reflex. After about 4 or 5 more "reflexes" I finally gave him an ultimatum - he either got help for his anger problem or I was leaving. I have to say I didn't think it could be done...."once a hitter, always a hitter"...but that was 5 years ago, and he hasn't hit me since. We still argue and he still gets mad, now he just walks away or goes out to the garage. If you love him, and want to stay with him, I would make him go to counseling, truly, don't wait until it happens again, it most likely will.

SparklingDot

I need to speak out on this one. A friend of mine found a married a guy in the military. She divorced him less than a year later, and although she never told me why, she hinted that he had anger issues. So please be very careful. She hadn't known the guy long, and he was nice enough the one time I did meet him, but that doesn't mean much.

If you love your boyfriend, speak to him firmly but gently. Or have his mother there too. I do think you should talk to her too. She should know things like this about her son, and she may be able to help. Good luck.

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- Smashing Pumpkins

astrahl

OMG.
Your instinct to be "done" is right. This is NOT the type of thing you want to stick around to see if it gets better. A punch is full on abuse and if you stick around it'll be because you have that puppy-dog syndrome, you think you can change him, you make excuses for him.

And who gives a damn if his mom saw it?!? She's his mom and will ALWAYS side with her son.

Have enough self respect to demand more respect from a man, and I hate to give this type of relationship advice, but get the hell out of there before the next "incident" puts you in the hospital.

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Maybe it was over when she chucked me out the Rover at full speed.
Maybe Maybe...
~a-Ha

ShaniFaye

It doesnt sound like this will be a "one time thing" He needs to know you're serious about not taking that kind of behaviour. I wont say that he cant learn not to do it, but I will say if he thinks he can get away with it once, it prob wont stop.

I have ZERO respect for a man that hits a woman in a situation like what you described, you did not hit him first, you did not put his life in danger...there was no excuse for him to try to put his hands on you...period.

I'd tell him if he is serious about being with you...he take some form of anger management stuff. If he continues to deny he has any kind of problem, dont see him anymore.

Im glad to see a girl that actually has some self respect for herself. Best wishes to you

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

maleficent

If that's your fear... which is a valid one... then trust in the relationship is gone... You should be able to be yourself and not live in fear of what will set him off next.

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raeanna74

All the advice and suggestions here are well thought out.

1. Ask him to attend marriage counseling, anger management therapy, or some other counseling. Marriage counseling could be less threatening to him to face and could pave the way for more specific anger counseling. He needs this for his sake and yours. If he refuses it would be another indicator that you need to leave this relationship.

2. Trust your instincts.

3. If you do stay, promise yourself that even one more attempt to hit you will mean the end of the relationship. Tell him this as well. Not in a threat but expressing your concern and that you feel that if it happens again you would not be wise to stay.

Hugs hon. This can hardly be easy. I know from experience that you can be afraid even to hug the man at first for fear he'll turn on you. I wish you the best. Good Luck.

__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

Squishor

For just a snippet of male perspective on this question, when I read the part about what he did to my boyfriend he immediately responded with, "Then he needs to go to jail. That's unprovoked assault." I don't think anyone in their right mind would condone what you described. This doesn't even fall under the more excusable category of over-reacting during horseplay - it's not like he hit you while you were tickling him or play-fighting. If anything, maybe if you break up with him it'll be the wakeup call he needs.

jRuntlets

Thanks for the info gals. It's clear to me the trust is gone, and I'll never feel right with him again. It's over. I just have to tell him tonight. I'm figuring tonight will be best because it's Monday, and he's stationed at a base about 2 hours away. He won't be coming home til Friday. This gives him time to vent with "the guys", and cool off so maybe he won't do anything stupid when he gets home (although he's never shown inclination to do so, after this incident it's clear I don't know him the way I thought I did.)

As far as talking to his mom, I'd like to but they're really close. So I'm concerned that she'll tell him I'm going to break up with him before I do. *sigh* These things are very hard but I have to do what is best for me.

__________________
Horses come and go, but some leave permanent hoof prints on your life.

getwonk'd

IMO-Get the hell out! You said you have been friends for 6 years and only been romanticly involved since December. In my experience, the initial time period has passed and he is now comfortable with you. Which means his true caracter is coming out. This will not be the only time and you will live in fear, which is not fair to you. Best of luck, this is a hard thing to go through and you will need people to talk to. Remember, you did nothing to deserve this. You did nothing wrong.

Squishor

jRuntlets, this may not be necessary but just to be on the safe side, tell him somewhere where you'll feel safe in case he blows. You don't want to be stranded somewhere out in a car in a field (for example) having this conversation. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Oh wait...now I see it looks like he's not there until Friday - were you planning on telling him over the phone?

Sage

Yay for you for listening to your instincts! I agree with everyone else here, this was not an "accident" this was definitely "unprovoked assualt." You said he'd be coming back on Friday- it would be a good idea for you to have a friend over that night, or perhaps your mom/sister sleep over. I say this because if he comes back and is angry, he might come after you, and there's saftey in numbers. Do not call him, and don't accept any calls from him after you break up- I say this because he might try to "guilt" you back into dating him ie- "It was a total accident, baby, you know I love you, I'd never do it again, etc etc etc." Yet another good reason to keep your distance. You might, if you care about him as a friend, try calling his superior officer to report the incident- this might lead the way for anger management classes for this guy.

Good luck :thumbs up:

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Lead543

Instincts!! They're a woman's best friend. And good for you, so many women stay in relationships where abuse has occurred just to be with someone. You should be very proud of yourself for being so strong.

diddagirl

Wow. Although I have a disturbingly bad temper, and at times consider myself to be a psycho , I would never dream of doing that to someone, especially my significant other. The fact that this was a GUY going in to punch his girlfriend in the stomach is somewhat alarming to me. I dont necessarily think you should end things with him right off the bat, but I dont think you should take his actions lightly either. If it only took something like puking on himself to set him off like that, then it is scary to think what could happen if the two of you were ever faced with a BIG problem.

I think the calling his mom thing sounds like a good idea if you trust her enough to believe she will tell you the truth, rather then being too concerned she will mess with your relationship. I also think that you should sit your boyfriend down and let him know straight up that that will never ever happen again. Because if it does...then you are gone.

Ensure he understands what a serious thing that is (I just can not get over a man ever laying a hand on a women) and that it might be a good idea for him to talk to someone. I am not judging him because he just got back from Iraq, however I do think that the shit that those soldiers have been through could seriously wound a persons spirit and soul. Having him talk to someone can only be a positive thing.....

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raeanna74

I agree - this is a red flag of an abuser. Sometimes they try to give you gifts which end up just guilt tripping you more because they're just so "sweet". The best way for a breakup is completely cutting things off. It's hard but you can hope that maybe he will wake up and get himself help.

I also liked the idea of telling a superior. I've read articles about a number of guys who've come back from serving overseas (especially in Iraq) who had some anger issues and harmed their spouses until they got help. He shouldn't be ashamed because it's not abnormal.

Good Luck Girl - I'll be checking back to see how he takes it.

__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

jRuntlets

Hey Ladies,
Thanks again for the great advice you all offered.
I broke it off with him last night. Isn't it funny how their stories change in 24 hours? Sunday he told me he was in a blind rage, and didn't realize at the time that he hit me. Monday he told me that wasn't a blind rage (which if it wasn't I'd be scared to see one) and that he hit me because he, "Felt like it was my fault.", thus blaming me for the choking/throwing up incident. Knowing what I already know about abuse, it was over. The biggest line that men give women that they hit is that it was the woman's fault they hit them, and that they deserved it. I noted to him that since I already feel threatened by the fact that he hit me if he tries to reappear I will take swift legal action against him. And then hung up.

I left somethings that were over at my house with his mom today. I ended up telling her the whole story and crying. She gave me a hug and told me that there was someone better out there for me, and if I ever needed anything to call. She also noted that he had some anger issues. I think it would be hard to take if my son's now ex, told me he hit her. I don't know. I really liked his parents and feel sorry for them.

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Horses come and go, but some leave permanent hoof prints on your life.

maleficent

/me stands and applauds....

Good for you for not putting up with being treated like that... I'm very proud of you!

Great big way to go woman for you!

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Seeker

I agree.. good call jRuntlets

Kudos to you for your approach and for seeing the reality of the situation!

And as for speaking with his mom... I am so pleased they seem to have an objective view of their son! They sound like 'big' people...

__________________
To those who wander but who are not lost...

~ Knowledge is not something you acquire, it is something you open yourself to.

Squishor

It seems like you really did a great job of taking care of yourself here. Good for you! It's SO much better to hear this than to hear "my boyfriend's been beating me for the last two years..." I'm glad you had the sense to get out in time, and it's interesting to hear what he had to say. "Felt like it was your fault" kind of points out that he had a chance to think about it and thought his actions were justified. Scary!

diddagirl

Good for you. I know it must have been a tough situation and decision because you loved him, but no relationship is ever worth risking your safety or life.

__________________
"Is it so small a thing to have enjoyed the sun, to have lived long in the spring, to have loved, to have thought, to have done."
-Matthew Arnold

amonkie

YAY for taking care of yourself - we are always here

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Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

raeanna74

Good for you. You're tough girl.

I'm glad that his mother was kind to you and didn't defend him. It had to be hard for her to hear. The fact that she handled it well says that POSSIBLY she has dealt with the situation before. That means it's even better that you got out of the situation.

__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

lurkette

You should be really proud of yourself - you're a shining example for women everywhere who don't have to put up with that kind of shit. I'm glad his mother realizes he needs help - hopefully some day he'll get it, but there's no reason for you to stick around and endanger yourself while he figures out that hitting people is not a justifiable response to stress.

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

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ShaniFaye

you go girl!!! not that you care, but Im really proud of you

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

SiN

yaay!

i read this before, but didn't really have anything constructive to add, other than just 'get out, girl'.

but i gotta say, i'm proud of you.

ending a relationship can be hard (i know, i'm in the process of that now) but one needs to take care of themself.

looks like you're doing a good job of that.

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pinkie

Your mom is right.

Good for you! /hugs

hunnychile

He definitely needs some help, not a person to abuse. It's sad how the military can take guys with anger issues (they make good soldiers) and use them in battle...but leave them unable to live in peace afterwards - when they return from War. I know this story far too well, and you did the right thing. Have no doubts. He might need to see a shrink before he can have a safe peaceful life from here on. This took guts on your part and a strong will to remain free and safe.

You deserve much happiness & it will come to you certainly. Take care and don't look back. No regrets is a good motto to have.

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"I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB

jjal

I was getting ready to add my 2cents worth to advice you to dump him, so glad to hear you did!