Problems with the Parents - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Litespeed · 11-04-2003, 03:46 PM

So Hal and I are very happy together. I've moved back to California where my parents and all my old friends are, as well as Hal. I've landed a job, but I'm still interviewing for better ones. We've really started to feel settled.

We've decided not to move in with each other for various reasons, but we are still living close by each other so we have lots of time together.

Sidenote: Hal is SUCH a sweetie! Yesterday was my first day on the new job and he came to pick me up afterwards with a beautiful long-stemmed rose. When we got out to the car there was the rest of the half dozen sitting on the passenger seat waiting for me. 6 long-stemmed roses!!! And a card saying "oh, nothin'"

Back to the story:
So Hal and I are very happy together. We have come to appreciate and love even more of our differences. We have made things work, and see a bright future in our love.

The problem that I find myself dealing with more than ever has to do with my family.

Here's the basic rundown of how people in my family feel about Hal and I:

Grandma in Utah: He's the sweetest man she could hope for to be in love with her granddaughter. She thinks that my parents concerns regarding his religious beliefs are out of line and redily tells them, though in riddles and scriptures.

Cousins in Utah: He's a good guy. Treats their cousin well. Don't want me to lose him.

Brother: So happy that his little sis is finally following her heart. Likes the fact that Hal and I have been friends for so many years so we have something to build on.

Sister: Confused as to why her little sis seems to be making the same stupid mistakes she did. Wishes I would wisen up and run away from non-Mormon guys. Likes Hal well enough as my friend.

Dog: Loves Hal's petting and keeps him company at my house while the rest of the family ignores him. (this dog doesn't like everyone)

Mom: "What is my daughter doing with her life? She's leaving BYU? She's deciding not to go on a mission? So confused, why is she still going to church? It doesn't all fit together. Why does she keep saying that God is still at her side? Doesn't her life follow a different path from what God accepts?"

Dad: Still don't have a clue what he thinks. He seems pretty competitive and hostile towards Hal at times, ignores him at others. Tries at every turn to get me to send Hal on his way and stick around with my dad a little longer. Seems like more of the jealous dad having to let go of his little daughter than disapproval of Hal's religious stance.

So whenever I go home there is always this difficult-ness to wade through. Every time my mom asks me not to boot her out of my life. I tell her that I am not.

I've taken to living with my best friend Lindsay's family. They have always considered me as their daughter, taken me on the family trips and the like. Now it's become a more fierce "Litespeed is our daughter now" kind of a thing. They emphasize that Lindsay and her kid sister Megan are my sisters as often as they can. They are very supportive of Hal and always enjoy having him around the house.

So my real question is: how do I get my parents and my sister to love and appreciate Hal like I do? How do I get them to see past our differences and focus on the fact that their daughter is in love with a man who takes care of her and treats her well? How do I show them that I love them, though I am defying their wishes at every turn?

Thank you for listening to this long rant. I would love any advice that you gals can send my way.
THANKS!

JadziaDax · 11-04-2003, 04:17 PM

Unfortunately, this is not an easy thing.

I've never dated someone of the my same religion on a serious basis, and this fact has irriated my mother beyond belief.

What you might want to try to get across to your parents is how happy Hal makes you and get them to focus on that rather than on the religious aspect of things. Parents sometimes overlook what's really important.

I am so happy for the two of you. And I, for one, am glad you're following your heart.

Feel free to talk with me any time when things get out of hand with the 'rents. We have a lot in common in that arena.

sillygirl · 11-04-2003, 05:08 PM

Quote:

Feel free to talk with me any time when things get out of hand with the 'rents. We have a lot in common in that arena.

.... me too.

I was raised Mormon. I know what you're going through. I, at first, did what the parents wanted me to do. Got married to a 'good little Mormon boy'. Gag me. It turned out to be hell and a nasty divorce.

The guy I have been dating for a while now (and the father of my baby) is very seldom welcome at my parents' house. Unfortunately though, I still live with my parents. It's kinda the same thing, though. People are okay with him until they find out he isn't Mormon. Then, suddenly, it's not okay for me to date him anymore.

In families like this, where people are so closed-minded that nothing you say or do seems to get into their brains, there's really no way to 'convince' them of anything. You've just gotta be patient, if anything. Be sure NOT to close them out, no matter how frustrating it gets sometimes. If anyone is going to get closed out, let them be the ones to try to close you out, then point out to them that they are doing to you what you've been purposefully and respectfully NOT doing to them.

Sometimes when your mom is telling you not to close her out, tell her that you're following your heart. Tell her that you love Hal. That's all you can really do with anyone, actually. I know how much pain it causes when parents react this way. And there's really nothing you can do, unless someone has that magic silver bullet that I haven't heard about yet. I don't know how old your parents are, but when my parents were kids, everything was way stricter about religion. People didn't have the open minds towards spirituality that they do now. And there isn't a way to change that. You've just gotta remember that they're your parents, they love you, and that they're doing what THEY THINK is right. You're the only one who can decide what you want to do in your life. You're the only one who knows how much you love Hal. That's all there is to it. That's all that matters.

*sorry if I sound jumbly, I've got the flu and it's messing with my head*

lafemmefatale · 11-04-2003, 10:55 PM

Like sillygirl said, sometimes there isn't really a way to get some people to think your way. At least you can count your blessings that so many of your family members are supportive of you although your mom and dad and sister are hesitant. Maybe if you convince your sister to be happy for you, it'll be more pressure on your parents to accept the relationship.

Cross cultural relationships are seldom easy, but it's important to remember that your relationship is for yourself [a lot of people on this board will say this, it's a common theme], not your parents. Best of luck.

lurkette · 11-05-2003, 04:52 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Litespeed
So my real question is: how do I get my parents and my sister to love and appreciate Hal like I do? How do I get them to see past our differences and focus on the fact that their daughter is in love with a man who takes care of her and treats her well? How do I show them that I love them, though I am defying their wishes at every turn?

I think the answer to all of your questions is, unfortunately, you don't. As others have said, sometimes there is no way to change someone's mind. Unfortunately, your family is not reacting to the situation at hand but to the fears and concerns in their own minds. Your sister sees you "repeating her mistakes;" she's so not complete with her own actions and experiences that she's projecting them onto you. Your parents see only one path to happiness - being Mormon and marrying Mormon - and are so blinded by their own fears for your happiness that they can't see how happy you actually are - after all, if you're happy with a non-Mormon, what does that say about their beliefs? That they might not be the One True Way? You can see why they'd put up some resistance.

I think the only real answer for you right now is to accept their concerns as theirs and not allow them to influence their happiness. The best persuasive argument will be time - the longer you and Hal are together and happy, the easier it will be for them to adapt. However, you have to prepare yourself for the possibility that they might never adapt. The best response will be for you to be completely compassionate about their concerns - let them know that you hear them, and that you love them no matter what, and that this doesn't mean that you are going to abandon them, but be firm in your commitment to live your own life on your own terms and find your own bliss.

Even though you probably can't change their minds through argument and reason, they may just change their minds on their own as time goes on. And that's what you need - to be patient and allow them to have their concerns, but not allow their concerns to be YOUR concerns.

Best of luck!

*Nikki* · 11-05-2003, 07:02 AM

Unfortunately a lot of parents hope that their children will turn out EXACTLY like them. When they see that the child has their own life and their own priorities that are very different from their own it is a diffulcult thing for them to accept.
I think in this situation it is only a "time will tell" thing. In time your parents will see just how importent he is to you and also how wonderful he is. This is not something that is going to happen instantly.
I wish both of you the best and I know that things will work out like they are supposed to in the end. They always do!

StormBerlin · 11-05-2003, 08:58 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Litespeed

So my real question is: how do I get my parents and my sister to love and appreciate Hal like I do? How do I get them to see past our differences and focus on the fact that their daughter is in love with a man who takes care of her and treats her well? How do I show them that I love them, though I am defying their wishes at every turn?

Hey Litespeed

I think the only answer I can offer is that you can't get your folks to do whatever they're not ready for. You just need to keep following your heart and eventually everyone will come around. You're an adult who can make her own decisions, and your parents will accept that as soon as they're ready. It was kind of the same thing with chewy and me, but the age difference played alot with it too. His family was very accepting of me after a while, so it will work out for you too

Tinker · 11-06-2003, 08:39 AM

Go with your heart! Even though he doesnt share your religion does not make him any less worthy!!!

raeanna74 · 11-06-2003, 09:11 AM

Lurkette as well as other above have already said it well. You mother sounds like mine. She says to me that I'm keeping things from her and she suspects that it's because I know that the things I do are wrong and "satanic" (in her words). I just can't share everything in my life with her: #1 because I don't have time to relate EVERYTHING to her and #2 because she doesn't support me in the least. She still tries to control my life by saying that I'm "turning me back on God" and that my daughter is going to get into all kinds of trouble because she's not in church at every opportunity. I am just now learning to ignore her concerns in my mind. I acknowledge her statements and let her know that I appreciate her concern for my well being but that I am an adult (I should hope so at 29) and her plan for my life isn't my plan. I take the parts of her advice that I can but honestly there isn't a lot as all of her advice is religiously related and I can't be as fanatic about it as she is. I go to church still on Sunday mornings but beyond that I dont' go - my life is too hectic to stop everything and go 3 times a week like she does. I know how you are feeling. I want my family to support me and it seems like every step they are in conflict with my choices. I'm glad for your sake that you have your best friends family and that they are supporting you and Hal in this. Prayers, Hugs and Good Luck Wishes.

Litespeed · 11-06-2003, 10:42 PM

Ladies, thanks for your support, advice, and comments. It's a real boost to come here and see that I have some people in my corner for support.

thank you!

Minx · 11-07-2003, 09:57 AM

Litespeed, first off let me say I am very very happy for both you and Hal! It sounds like you two are great together.

I think that lurkette and the others put it all down very well. Unfortunately all you can do in this situation is follow your heart, keep up good relations with your parents but don't let their wishes dictate your own life.

After time, when they see how happy you two are together hopefully they will come to accept him fully. As it was pointed out, parents only want what is best for their kids. They are only concerned for you and love you....and they will come around eventually for I'm sure their prime concern is to see you happy.

la petite moi · 11-08-2003, 10:31 AM

Well, I'm not sure how Mormons truly think about a non-Mormon relationship, but it seems your sister and parets aren't taking it well.

It's so awesome that you're with someone as cute as Hal. I think if you wanna show your sis/mom/dad that he's really right for you, stick to your feelings for him. If they don't wisen up to your decision, then maybe you could sit down with them and have them just rant to you about WHY they don't want you to be with Hal. Afterwards, tell them why you want to STAY with him...give lots of sweet examples.

Of course, it would help if Hal maybe had some kind of faith that you could tell your parents about and tell them that even though he isn't of your religion, persay, he still believes in something so he has morals. [I don't really think that having good morals depends on religion, but maybe this is how your parents are thinking...]

Hope things work out!!

sillygirl · 11-08-2003, 03:02 PM

I know that my family reacts like a time bomb when it comes to dating or marrying someone who's not LDS.

The Church teaches that if you're not married in the Temple, that you can't be together in Heaven after you die. Personally, I believe that if two people love each other, they will be together forever. (Simple terms)

When parents who are LDS see their children dating people who aren't members of their church, they believe that they won't be sealed together forever, that the spouses will be separated forever, that their grandchildren will be separated forever, basically, that the family will be split up and not be together in the afterlife. That's why they tend to react the way that they do. They want their children to be with family forever, and if they don't get married in the Temple (or get sealed later) that they won't be. Well, in the well-meaning families who react this way anyways....

blossom · 11-09-2003, 09:12 AM

I can't say anything better than what everybody else said, just wanted to add my good wishes for your future with Hal. He sounds like a terrific guy, and you'll have a wonderful future together.

BlueBongo · 11-10-2003, 09:12 AM

I would say, don't worry about what others think and feel. I have a family there, but they harbor resentment towards me for things they feel I "made up" about my father as a child... so needless to say my life since I was 10 has been without the emotional, physical, and helpful support of my family. I have learned that you can only rely on your own feelings and emotions. My family will never choose my friends or my partner in life... it's a plus if they do like them, but I personally don't care what my family thinks of my life.

It's kinda sad that I feel that way sometimes, but you are the only one that truely knows yourself. As much of a cliche as that may be.

I have a false relationship with my family because I'd like my children to at least know that they do have grandparents/great grandparents that are "there" physically.

That's really my 2 cents... hope it was helpful.

Also, I know that you two will be happy together and your heart will make these decisions easier for you (I hope)... best wishes as you are both awesome people

11-04-2003, 03:46 PM	#1 (permalink)
Litespeed Loser Location: Thousand Oaks, CA	Problems with the Parents So Hal and I are very happy together. I've moved back to California where my parents and all my old friends are, as well as Hal. I've landed a job, but I'm still interviewing for better ones. We've really started to feel settled. We've decided not to move in with each other for various reasons, but we are still living close by each other so we have lots of time together. Sidenote: Hal is SUCH a sweetie! Yesterday was my first day on the new job and he came to pick me up afterwards with a beautiful long-stemmed rose. When we got out to the car there was the rest of the half dozen sitting on the passenger seat waiting for me. 6 long-stemmed roses!!! And a card saying "oh, nothin'" Back to the story: So Hal and I are very happy together. We have come to appreciate and love even more of our differences. We have made things work, and see a bright future in our love. The problem that I find myself dealing with more than ever has to do with my family. Here's the basic rundown of how people in my family feel about Hal and I: Grandma in Utah: He's the sweetest man she could hope for to be in love with her granddaughter. She thinks that my parents concerns regarding his religious beliefs are out of line and redily tells them, though in riddles and scriptures. Cousins in Utah: He's a good guy. Treats their cousin well. Don't want me to lose him. Brother: So happy that his little sis is finally following her heart. Likes the fact that Hal and I have been friends for so many years so we have something to build on. Sister: Confused as to why her little sis seems to be making the same stupid mistakes she did. Wishes I would wisen up and run away from non-Mormon guys. Likes Hal well enough as my friend. Dog: Loves Hal's petting and keeps him company at my house while the rest of the family ignores him. (this dog doesn't like everyone) Mom: "What is my daughter doing with her life? She's leaving BYU? She's deciding not to go on a mission? So confused, why is she still going to church? It doesn't all fit together. Why does she keep saying that God is still at her side? Doesn't her life follow a different path from what God accepts?" Dad: Still don't have a clue what he thinks. He seems pretty competitive and hostile towards Hal at times, ignores him at others. Tries at every turn to get me to send Hal on his way and stick around with my dad a little longer. Seems like more of the jealous dad having to let go of his little daughter than disapproval of Hal's religious stance. So whenever I go home there is always this difficult-ness to wade through. Every time my mom asks me not to boot her out of my life. I tell her that I am not. I've taken to living with my best friend Lindsay's family. They have always considered me as their daughter, taken me on the family trips and the like. Now it's become a more fierce "Litespeed is our daughter now" kind of a thing. They emphasize that Lindsay and her kid sister Megan are my sisters as often as they can. They are very supportive of Hal and always enjoy having him around the house. So my real question is: how do I get my parents and my sister to love and appreciate Hal like I do? How do I get them to see past our differences and focus on the fact that their daughter is in love with a man who takes care of her and treats her well? How do I show them that I love them, though I am defying their wishes at every turn? Thank you for listening to this long rant. I would love any advice that you gals can send my way. THANKS!

11-04-2003, 10:55 PM	#4 (permalink)
lafemmefatale Insane Location: Vancouver	Like sillygirl said, sometimes there isn't really a way to get some people to think your way. At least you can count your blessings that so many of your family members are supportive of you although your mom and dad and sister are hesitant. Maybe if you convince your sister to be happy for you, it'll be more pressure on your parents to accept the relationship. Cross cultural relationships are seldom easy, but it's important to remember that your relationship is for yourself [a lot of people on this board will say this, it's a common theme], not your parents. Best of luck. __________________ -poor is the man whose pleasure depends on the permission of another-

11-06-2003, 08:39 AM	#8 (permalink)
Tinker Tilted Location: California	Go with your heart! Even though he doesnt share your religion does not make him any less worthy!!! __________________ "The man who alters his way of thinking to suit others is a fool." Marquis de SADE

11-06-2003, 09:11 AM	#9 (permalink)
raeanna74 I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Location: Upper Michigan	Lurkette as well as other above have already said it well. You mother sounds like mine. She says to me that I'm keeping things from her and she suspects that it's because I know that the things I do are wrong and "satanic" (in her words). I just can't share everything in my life with her: #1 because I don't have time to relate EVERYTHING to her and #2 because she doesn't support me in the least. She still tries to control my life by saying that I'm "turning me back on God" and that my daughter is going to get into all kinds of trouble because she's not in church at every opportunity. I am just now learning to ignore her concerns in my mind. I acknowledge her statements and let her know that I appreciate her concern for my well being but that I am an adult (I should hope so at 29) and her plan for my life isn't my plan. I take the parts of her advice that I can but honestly there isn't a lot as all of her advice is religiously related and I can't be as fanatic about it as she is. I go to church still on Sunday mornings but beyond that I dont' go - my life is too hectic to stop everything and go 3 times a week like she does. I know how you are feeling. I want my family to support me and it seems like every step they are in conflict with my choices. I'm glad for your sake that you have your best friends family and that they are supporting you and Hal in this. Prayers, Hugs and Good Luck Wishes. __________________ "Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

11-07-2003, 09:57 AM	#11 (permalink)
Minx Junkie Location: Up yonder	Litespeed, first off let me say I am very very happy for both you and Hal! It sounds like you two are great together. I think that lurkette and the others put it all down very well. Unfortunately all you can do in this situation is follow your heart, keep up good relations with your parents but don't let their wishes dictate your own life. After time, when they see how happy you two are together hopefully they will come to accept him fully. As it was pointed out, parents only want what is best for their kids. They are only concerned for you and love you....and they will come around eventually for I'm sure their prime concern is to see you happy. __________________ You've been a naughty boy....go to my room!

11-04-2003, 04:17 PM	#2 (permalink)
JadziaDax Loser Location: who the fuck cares?	Unfortunately, this is not an easy thing. I've never dated someone of the my same religion on a serious basis, and this fact has irriated my mother beyond belief. What you might want to try to get across to your parents is how happy Hal makes you and get them to focus on that rather than on the religious aspect of things. Parents sometimes overlook what's really important. I am so happy for the two of you. And I, for one, am glad you're following your heart. Feel free to talk with me any time when things get out of hand with the 'rents. We have a lot in common in that arena.

11-05-2003, 07:02 AM	#6 (permalink)
Nikki ~~~~~~~ Location: Charleston, SC	Unfortunately a lot of parents hope that their children will turn out EXACTLY like them. When they see that the child has their own life and their own priorities that are very different from their own it is a diffulcult thing for them to accept. I think in this situation it is only a "time will tell" thing. In time your parents will see just how importent he is to you and also how wonderful he is. This is not something that is going to happen instantly. I wish both of you the best and I know that things will work out like they are supposed to in the end. They always do!

11-06-2003, 10:42 PM	#10 (permalink)
Litespeed Loser Location: Thousand Oaks, CA	Ladies, thanks for your support, advice, and comments. It's a real boost to come here and see that I have some people in my corner for support. thank you!

11-08-2003, 10:31 AM	#12 (permalink)
la petite moi Filling the Void. Location: California	Well, I'm not sure how Mormons truly think about a non-Mormon relationship, but it seems your sister and parets aren't taking it well. It's so awesome that you're with someone as cute as Hal. I think if you wanna show your sis/mom/dad that he's really right for you, stick to your feelings for him. If they don't wisen up to your decision, then maybe you could sit down with them and have them just rant to you about WHY they don't want you to be with Hal. Afterwards, tell them why you want to STAY with him...give lots of sweet examples. Of course, it would help if Hal maybe had some kind of faith that you could tell your parents about and tell them that even though he isn't of your religion, persay, he still believes in something so he has morals. [I don't really think that having good morals depends on religion, but maybe this is how your parents are thinking...] Hope things work out!!

11-08-2003, 03:02 PM	#13 (permalink)
sillygirl Newlywed Location: at home	I know that my family reacts like a time bomb when it comes to dating or marrying someone who's not LDS. The Church teaches that if you're not married in the Temple, that you can't be together in Heaven after you die. Personally, I believe that if two people love each other, they will be together forever. (Simple terms) When parents who are LDS see their children dating people who aren't members of their church, they believe that they won't be sealed together forever, that the spouses will be separated forever, that their grandchildren will be separated forever, basically, that the family will be split up and not be together in the afterlife. That's why they tend to react the way that they do. They want their children to be with family forever, and if they don't get married in the Temple (or get sealed later) that they won't be. Well, in the well-meaning families who react this way anyways.... __________________ Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken ....absence makes me miss him more...

11-09-2003, 09:12 AM	#14 (permalink)
blossom Upright Location: Illinois	I can't say anything better than what everybody else said, just wanted to add my good wishes for your future with Hal. He sounds like a terrific guy, and you'll have a wonderful future together.