Anonymous Member

Hi brilliant women: I am sorry about the anonymous but it is important in this situation....

I want to know when you personally make the decision to say enough is enough when it comes to hanging on to a relationship? Either you are deciding to end things or you have ended them but are still hanging on to hope, what is your personal breaking point? And please don't reply with advice you give others, reply with what you actually do...because we all know it is easy to teach others from our mistakes but so much more difficult to actually follow our own advice. And I actually want to know what YOU do..

I ended a relationship a little over six months ago. I truly believed I was going to marry this man and finally had something real (I am in my 30's by the way). Unfortunately he had these odd mood swings that were rare at first but became more frequent and I decided long ago never to settle for someone that bring me down. So the relationship ended and for awhile there was anger and resentment and virtually no communication. After several months communication was initiated and a friendship was promised, however; now I feel like the friendship is holding me back from accepting new opportunities.

Our communication levels vary depending on our moods but he tends to get 'sexual' in his communication at some point or another and I find myself turn on but trying to end the conversation. I don't ever want to be the women who settles for being a man's sexual toy and choose to not succumb to his advances. The problem is: I really long too. I crave him and it is slowly killing me inside. We have made plans to hang out or attend some gathering together in which I secretly decide to be with him....yet each time it has been avoided.

He always talks about doing whatever it takes to make things right but in all the time we have been apart, he has not rectified the one issue that was holding us back. So I already realize that we will never be back together because he cannot make necessary changes. And ladies I am not talking about picking up after himself or contributing to the home, I am talking about serious, abusive, personality traits that require change.

In addition it is not that I am unable to move on, I date without issue, currently 'auditioning' someone now.. but there is always that aching feeling that I am leaving my soul mate behind because for the most part of our relationship, I was deeply in love and entranced by our connection. The sad thing is I realize this desire will all go away instantaniously if I meet the right guy, it's just that the guys I have met thus far have not been right.

So to get back to point....at what point do you say; I think I'll pass on the communication and 'friendship' and focus on nothing but the future?

little_tippler

I would say you're here to hear what you already know you need to hear. Cut him off, and move on. You are still stuck by a very fine thread to a dream of the past. It's that 'what if' factor that's keeping you there. Rationally you know he's wrong and that it can never work. What god does he bring to your life at the moment? Let me guess, none? Now just disentangle your heart strings from this man and be free. Be on your own for a while. Learn to breathe unaided. Learn to love your life on your own. Then you will meet someone else. And don't compare. He was what he was. A new guy will be something else. Don't label. Soul mates. Pfff. You have a dozen of them out there. Every one will have different qualities and flaws. Believe this. Believe it because it will help you stay strong, and rely only on yourself. He is holding you back, no matter how little. It's eating at you. Break away.

This is what I would do. I have in fact done this myself. I know how you feel. It's over. Repeat this to yourself out loud as many times as you must for it to sink in. It will hurt but life ALWAYS, always goes on.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

ItWasMe

What do I do? Currently we are working on a marriage that has hit some serious rocks and has a somewhat iff-y future. Because it's a 30 year relationship and because we have young children, we are trying to see if we can work through/around our hurdles as long as we don't become bitter enemies while doing so. We were well on our way down that slippery path until we recently found a fork in the road and headed in a different direction. Where that leads, we're not yet certain. Thus, the iff-y future.

In the past ... if it was a long term or serious relationship, I tried to work it out, even when I was the only one working on it. I stayed, way past the point of what should have been no return. If there was any chance of working it out, I stuck around. If he gave me one single thread of what I interpreted to be hope, I hung onto it like a lifeline. Like a damned puppy who refused to acknowledge it had been abandoned until someone put a bullet between its eyes. Even if there was verbal abuse. Once (but not this relationship) even when there was a bit of physical abuse.

It was usually so bad toward the end of the end, that remaining friends was not even a choice. Come to think of it, both of us being in the same building with a hope of both of us coming out alive, was no longer a choice either.

Don't do what I have done.

Use ItWasMe as a prime example of what NOT to do.

Follow Little Tippler's advice.

I would have to say, when the 'friendship' is holding you back from enjoying your future, it is time to let that go.

EDIT: I once told a fellow TFP'er ... Most of us have people who will always hold a special place in our hearts. Years ago, a wise friend told me about his ex girlfriend, "I'm not trying to forget her; I'm just trying to live without her." It's okay to keep the fond memories. As memories.

__________________
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"Ok, no more truth-or-dare until somebody returns my underwear" ~ George Lopez

I bake cookies just so I can lick the bowl. ~ ItWasMe

DaniGirl

You need to move on. He is trying to make you his fuck buddy, sex without being tied down. Hes probably scared of commitment. You either need to tell him its not gonna happen and try to salvage a friendship or completely cut him out of your life.

mixedmedia

I was in a relationship that was very similar. Mood swings, sexual compulsivity, emotional manipulation, repeated avowals of change that never came to fruition. I didn't leave until there was a fatal breaking point which made it tragically evident to me that I was leaving much to late.

Cut it off. He doesn't want to be your friend. He wants back in. Don't let that happen.

__________________
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

Anonymous Member

Thank you, each of you. Each of you posted a sentence or paragraph that I will hold close and I appreciate your guidance. I knew I was coming to the right place....

Shaindra

The only thing holding you to this guy is a *hope* that he will someday match the vision you have in your head. You already know he doesn't match that vision and hasn't changed at all in the interim. If there were kids/marriage etc. holding you two together, I might say listen to what he has to say. But there isn't. With potentially abusive issues, I don't waffle. I will not put myself in that situation for anything, not even some kind of spiritual connection.

__________________
"Never regret something that once made you smile."

Anonymous Member

Thanks Shaindra, this is the reason why I broke it off. I am thankful that I will never be so blind in love that I will allow someone to verbally or emotionally attack me.

Halanna

I read this thread yesterday. Your plea not for advice, but for actual life experience took time to settle and I've thought about it since I read it yesterday. I only hope I can convey my thoughts in a written format.

This makes me think bi-polar, schizophrenic or some other condition that could be controlled by medication.

Your soul mate does not make you unhappy or unsure of your union. Don't confuse being comfortable with finding your soul mate.

This is non-negotiable and the most serious of what you said. Never do you have to suffer any type of abuse under any circumstance, ever. While the concept of "soul mate" is beautiful, your soul mate would never hurt you in any way.

I don't believe you have dozens of soul mates. Even finding one is hard enough. With 6+ billion people on the planet, I think a needle in a haystack may be easier to find.

So now for actual life experience. I've been married for 17 years, together for 21.

About 12 years ago, our relationship went through many upheavals, trials, questions and everything that makes you second guess. What I did was project myself into the future, try and imagine my life with this person then, would I be happy, would I still love him, is this the life I want? At that time my answer was yes, I want him and I want this.

Obviously it was the right decision. Trying to envision my life 5, 10, 20 years from then with him helped me to make the decision. I knew, knew, that I could not have a life without him. Can you envision your life with him 5, 10 or 20 years from now? Can you see a life for the two of you?

There are a thousand points where you can make a connection to another human being. Choose the points you want to live with every day very carefully.

When the word 'abuse' enters your vocabulary I think your ability to envision, to connect and project do not exist. Abuse = end.

Anonymous Member

I actually disagree with my personal ability to envision all and any of this (although I do accept that it is a typical response to someone in an abusive situation). I disagree because it is the very reason we are not together. Besides the obvious: I will not settle for anything less than I give,;I will not allow someone to hurt me mentally, physically, or emotionally; and I will not for even a moment be foolish enough to think I am powerful enough to make another human being change, I did sit down and took a long look at what my life was going to be like and that is when I concluded that I had settled and confused comfortable with soulmate.

Thank you again Halanna, I wish I would have had a wise women like yourself to guide me as I learned some pretty painful lessons.

MonicaCo

If you reach the point where you feel uncomfortable around that person and don't see any possible improvement in the future that should be the point to end it.

Anonymous Member

The relationship was over at the time of the OP...and I am happy to say it has remained so. Thanks for all you input. Even though I knew it was a lost cause, I am one who hangs on to the bitter end. The truth is I just needed to sit quietly and listen to what was happening around me to realize I was doing very well just the way things were.