*Nikki*

I am just curious as to what other woman's marriages are like. Mainly those of you who have been married more then a couple of years and those who have kids in the mix as well.

I feel like I am in a really hard place right now with my marriage, and it seems to be one sided. He is perfectly content with our life and confesses his love to me often and wants sex often.

I on the other hand, feel confused. Some of those warm fuzzy feelings I had when we were first together seem to have vanished. I find those little quirks I used to find endearing, are now more then annoying. I snap at him a lot and even say a bunch of really mean crap to him for little things he does. He just brushes it off and moves on. I don't even really care about having sex with him, and feel like his constant advances are bothersome. I am tired of giving him instruction on how to do everything with our child and with his lack of effort around the house. I have talked to him many times about these things, and they will change for a little bit, then go right back to where they were.

I don't know if I am just going through some kind of funk or if this is something more serious. I just need to know if anyone else feels/felt like this before.

Sue

I know I'm not the person you wanted to respond, but even though I'm not married, I'll have been with my boyfriend Sam for 5 years this November. I still have my warm and fuzzy feelings since the first day we met

Communication and being open with each other is key. If you're not telling him these things you're telling us, you really should start doing that. Have it be a two-way conversation though, not one-sided.

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Teg yw edrych tuag adref.

mixedmedia

In regards to my experience, this was the source of my problem right here and mine never got better. He was content because he knew that once everything returned to 'normal' he could continue not pulling his weight around the house. And the ongoing resentment, even when I wasn't feeling it, poisoned everything in the relationship. If you are feeling unfairly burdened in the partnership, then it really needs to be addressed...he needs to realize that the stakes have changed. Marriage is an entirely new game when a child enters the picture - there are expectations, things have to get done, you have to sacrifice a lot, I'm sure you know this. Some people have trouble accepting it.

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abaya

Well, we've been married for 2.5 years (together for almost 5 now) and no kids yet, so not your ideal responder either... but I can say that I have experienced frustration along those lines in my marriage. And yeah, when things like that bother me, they REALLY bother me. It usually all comes out in a big intense, emotional conversation where we lay out how each other's behavior makes each of us feel, and what ways we can both try to do things better in the future. And I often feel like I have no hope for the situation, when the conversations begin... and it often feels like we're having the same conversation over and over again... but things do change.

It's a slow evolution, I'll admit... and it's one of the many reasons that I *don't* want children yet, because I don't think we're ready to handle one as a balanced team. I still think I'd end up doing the majority of the work no matter what, and until that feeling changes, I won't be willing to bring a baby into the mix. I can't imagine what that's like for you, when he's unable to take on his 50% of the responsibility for that being.

Ktsp and I are still working on it--I think we always will be--but as long as there is some improvement over time, it's still very much a positive situation and those warm fuzzies always seem to come back once the air has been cleared of resentment and expectations. Counseling (both individually and as a couple) gave us a lot of communication tools that I think we would be totally up shit creek without... I highly recommend getting in there, if you and your husband are open to it. There's certainly no harm in trying, if you're at a point where you are starting to resent your husband at that level.

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

genuinegirly

Speak with him about how you're feeling. Consistently. When he starts slacking off, let him know that you need a little help. Habits like remembering to clean are difficult to develop. It takes a trained eye to even realize something needs to be done. If he's willing to keep working at it, you need to be willing to keep reminding him.

Yeah. Children make things complicated. I have none, so I don't have any advice.

Been married a little less than a year. My husband enjoys cooking and cleans when he sees a need. I feel incredibly lucky.

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"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Lindy

There is something about the way this is phrased that just rankles me. It may indicate a problem of attitude or ?? maybe I'm just way off base here. I do know that if I perceived that my partner was "giving me instruction" that I would turn passive/aggressive, dig in my heels and start doing a slow burn that would eventually turn into a major blowup.

Lindy

hunnychile

All the ladies who have responded have been wonderfully honest & that helps us all. For me, we don't have kids because we both never felt mature & unselfish enough to have them. On that we agreed. And yet when I went through the "wanting kids in the 30s" he wasn't on board because I had changed. At that time I realized that it was something that doesn't always come to both mates at the same time so I'd be patient. Long story short, no kids, but great professions and lots of travel and amazing adventures. I made that choice and have decided it was the best chocie for me personally.

As for keeping the marriage alive & happy, that does take some work & a ton of patience. We do best when we have outside interests, hobbies and so forth. Our separate vacations - about once a year has been a good tonic too. All marriages are different (true!) and have their special bonds and connections. You need to see which bonds are the ones worth nurturing and help that happen. It will always be true that mom does it all, all the holiday planning, school support, all the things that so many guys just leave to the Moms! But dads do their thing too in their own way. It's not a competition. And some weeks seem so terribly lopsided. But I bet you have a good thing because you have a real family. Take time to appreciate the real small unique things that belong to you 3 or 4? And let us know how it is going..... go get a pedicure and get a sitter for a whole afternoon. or let him do the dad thing - with no rules at all.

It'll improve, I'm certain.

Best regards....hunnychile

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"I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB

Taja

Nikki, it sounds like maybe you need to take a closer look at your heart and really determine where you're at. A lot of what you mentioned, sounds like you've already made up your mind. If you want to continue into life with your husband, then give it all you can. If you've already decided that this is not your idea of a lifetime together, then ... maybe seek some outside, non-biased, advice (ie counselor, therapist, mentor). Negative feelings, when left alone, only get worse. *hugs you* You're a sweetheart, listen to your heart.

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I fear neither death nor pain.
What do you fear milady?
A cage.

Shaindra

Well, I don't know if I can respond, but I was married for 14 years.

First of all...those warm fuzzies can ebb and flow. When you're married with small kids...warm fuzzies are far and few between. I'd like to say that I was the anomaly here, but speaking with all of my married friends, they agree, married with small kids = mostly survival mode.

Secondly, I've found that love is best when a verb and not an adjective. In other words, do loving acts and you will feel more loving. This seems counter-intuitive to our attitude of "I'd love more if *he* would do more loving acts". But it's true. I've experienced this in a number of different relationships.

Third, counseling isn't just for people on their way to the divorce lawyer. I think if more people had regular relationship "checkups" more marriages would survive.

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"Never regret something that once made you smile."

TXLADY1986

HI,

I have been married for 17 years...and I have felt like you feel many times. I am in a wonderful place in my marriage now. For me, marriage is a lifetime commitment that I made. I have fallen in love with my husband and also fallen out of love with him but I could never imagine my life without him. He does things that irritate me and I do things that irritate him. But we are on a journey. There have been many times when my husband wanted to make love and there was no way he was getting any. Been there?? My husband also hasn't been much help along the home front. We have two boys that are now 14 and 12. Over the years, he has "learned" to help more because he wanted us to do things together. Well, we couldn't do those things together until I finished what needed to be done so he learned that if he helped me, it would go quicker. I have also screamed, yelled, threatened to call his mother, anything I could do to get him to help. He would be better for a while and then go back to the way he was. I guess after all these years, things don't bother me the way they did in the early days. I think my attitude changed instead of me thinking "he's not doing this", I am thinking "what else can I do for him". It has helped since the focus is no longer on me.

One thing that has really helped my sex life is to read. I love romance and it is so easy to get caught up in a good book or online material (fanfiction.net). Rated M material is the best!!!!!!

It sounds like you have a husband who loves you, finds you sexually attractive, and doesn't seem to be bothered when you yell and scream at him. Don't throw away a good thing for custody battles, hurt feelings and who knows what else. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Since you have children, you will always be connected with your husband even if you don't live together. Try and make things work and you will be rewarded in the end.

*Nikki*

TXLADY1986 thank you so much for writing that. Out of all the replies I think yours hit closest to home.

I forget a lot of times how good of a thing I have and how much work a good thing can still take. I also like what Shaindra said. Sometimes even good marriages need "tune ups". I think this is very true and excellent advice provided by everyone here.

Thanks Ladies for listening.

la petite moi

Wow, it's interesting you should ask this question. I'm an avid reader of PT (Psychology Today) magazine, and they just did an article on "those endearing quirks"... thought you might like to read this: Psychology Today: You're Driving Me Crazy!