mixedmedia

I am posting this on the behalf of one of our male members who would like our advice.

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Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

savmesom11

Well I am normally way more tolerant than this but......she is fucking NUTS!!! Even without the pic's, which technically dude...you forgot?!?!?! Come on. Just don't ever let current girlfriends see ANYTHING of a sexual nature with a previous partner. But that is advice you didn't ask for.....

I am thinking that by her refusing to talk to you is the best thing that could ever happen. You never really see how miserable you are until you get out and find something worth cherishing. She is not ok, and you seem to be (from what little you reveal) to be normal, maybe even mild mannered. Do you want a woman that runs you or do you want a woman to run with you? If you get back together with her, eventually the very tone of her voice will send shrills up your spine. It doesn't get better from here, it gets worse!

She’s a vet huh??? It always surprises me to discover just how dumb educated people can be.

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* I do not believe that struggles are a sign of life falling apart, but rather a step of life falling into place. *

Shaindra

Let her go. Yeah, your pride will be hurt for awhile because she was the one technically doing the leaving, but you know in your heart that it won't work.

Elphaba

These are my thoughts on the situation given:

I realize that you have offered just a snap shot of her behavior and she must have other positive qualities for the relationship to have lasted three years. That said, this is *not* normal behavior and I don't believe you can convince her that you are faithful to the relationship, now or ever. Her lack of interest in forming casual friendships and her intense distrust of you suggest deeply held abandonment issues. Knowing something about her previous romantic relationships might say something as to how pervasive this behavior has been.

I really don't think you can *deal* with her in that she has rejected all of your previous attempts to reassure her. It might be best to move on in your life, but you are the only one that can judge that.

Good luck, and stay safe.

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"You can't ignore politics, no matter how much you'd like to." Molly Ivins - 1944-2007

mixedmedia

The author of the OP would like to pass along his thanks. He appreciates the insight.

For my part, I'm pretty much in accordance with what the other ladies here have said. I don't care how jealous she is or upset she is, it really doesn't explain her bizarre and emotionally tenuous behavior. I think you're better off without her in the long run. Chances are you won't realize until she has been gone for a while how much her behavior acted as a drain on you emotionally, perhaps even physically.

Still, losing love is never easy.

__________________
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

ngdawg

My first question is, what is lovable about a person who tries so hard to knock you down and plays mind games? I'm surprised it lasted even this long.
If a female came into the forum and asked the same thing, what would your answer be?
You can do so much better.

surferlove007

I agree with ngdawg. This girl is obviously not meant to be in a serious relationship if she's behaving so irrationally. Relationships are built on love and trust, not spying on your partner and going through their computer accusing them of cheating. I just can't picture a relationship like this ever working and both sides being content.

GTFO.

JustJess

Not to mention that she has some SERIOUS mental disorders. Serious, serious mental disorders. Think about this... she hates people so much, she chose a job in which she interacts with animals instead.

This woman needs therapy, and probably medication (and I am NOT a proponent of mental meds generally). What she doesn't need... is a nice guy who puts up with her shit and lets her think that this is an okay way to behave. Get out of this now. She's probably a lovely person under all of this, but she'll never be that person for you. Go find a non-crazy person.

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My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

StellaLuna

Run?

That's all I can say. Cut your losses... and I'm sorry that this has to be a growing experience for you. I'd suggest therapy, for both of you, and do what dear precious JustJess has said so clearly:

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Screw tradition!

genuinegirly

Let her go. This is not "normal" behavior. This is frightening and abusive. I mean, really... what does your beer bottle collection have to do with you potentially cheating on her?

You deserve someone who trusts you completely.

Maybe she has family telling her that you're not trustworthy. Maybe there's something else going on there. But that's really not your concern. Trust is essential. That's the bottom line.

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"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

*Nikki*

Sounds like someone might have fucked her over real good in the past and left some scars.

Either that or she has her own set of issues she never dealt with. Until she does deal with them she can never make herself or anyone else happy.

It is unfortunate but you have to cut her out of your life until she does.

little_tippler

Ok, well, I think she may be nuts too.

But I always like to take a turn and say - what's her side of the story?

Either she is pretty nuts, and totally paranoid, or you have done something prior that gets her this way. I mean, taking her cats to work because she's afraid you might kill them? Are you a violent person at all? Do you like her cats?

Also, the jumping straight to cheating thing. Have you cheated on her before? Has she been cheated on badly before?

She is probably a very insecure person, and maybe one of those ladies who doesn't abide porn. The fact that she found some photos on your computer (which also means she was rifling through your stuff and that's a separate issue altogether!), and they're of sex with an ex, must have been pretty horrible for her...

In the end, maybe you guys aren't compatible and she was just looking for an excuse to cut you loose. It all sounds really wacky to me...I mean, you were with her three years but you describe her as "mentally and emotionally unstable"...I don't know...

Overall, I'm tending towards my initial impression - that it's not normal and you're better off apart.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Jenny_Lyte

I hate being judgmental, especially towards people I don't know, but I too think your girlfriend might be slightly off her rocker. But if that's the case, it's not her fault. You have to ask yourself if the good times are good enough that you want to help her work through the bad times. If the good outweighs the bad, don't give up on her. If it's the other way around, it might be time to move on.

savmesom11

Speaking as a liberal with conservative tendencies, whose fault is it then? If she's off her rocker and CHOOSES to live her life in a solitary, untrusting manner, then who is to blame? There is a level of personal responsibility here but you have said "it's not her fault", this confuses me.

Btw: not only am I liberal but I am deeply involved in the mental health community so I have experience working with people like this, I guess I am trying to establish that I don't have a bias regarding the mentally unstable. I am just confused by that statement and would like you to clarify.

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* I do not believe that struggles are a sign of life falling apart, but rather a step of life falling into place. *

Jenny_Lyte

I have always heard that people who are mentally sick, do not realize that they are mentally sick. I don't think she chooses to be this way, any more than someone chooses to have the flu. You obviously know more about mental health than I do, but I was under the assumption that mentally sick people, truly sick people, do not know that they are sick and therefore cannot be held responsible for their actions. If she is truly sick, then she is not choosing anything. If she is fine and is as you say choosing to be solitary and untrusting then it is her fault.

savmesom11

Thanks Jenny_lite, and awesome handle by the way!

You are right, people who suffer from mental illness are afflicted with a disease they have no control over having. They do have control however; in seeking out treatment as to not put themselves or others in danger. This is why I speak of personal responsibility. Thank you for your reply I value your opinion.

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* I do not believe that struggles are a sign of life falling apart, but rather a step of life falling into place. *

Jenny_Lyte

Thanks, I value yours as well.

LiberalLady

Two things. First, unless I missed it, there was no mention of "love" in the original post. Is the man in question worried about the lady in question for her own good or because he loves her or...? Does he want to maintain the relationship with her. I understand that planned on moving to her, but is he doing it because he loves her or what? Second, calling her nuts, crazy, off her rocker and so on doesn't really help the guy. I agree with the point that she is probably seriously scarred from something previous. And is it possible that her issues come pre-adult relationships? If he wants to stay with her because he loves her, then he needs to truly help her address her issues. Why is she so angry, so paranoid, so anti-social and so on? Why is she so lacking in self-esteem? It appears that she has a lot of issues to work through. One last point, SHE has to work through the issues. He can help her along the way, but ultimately she is responsible for her own mental health and happiness.

percy

Some women (and men) have to create conflict in their lives and the lives of others to validate their existence. Sometimes creating havoc is the best way to shadow the real problems that may be lurking.

I hope the guy isn't influenced to be wary of all woman from now on, because he could miss out on something special in his life. The girl in question either needs therapy or someone to point out that world that revolves around her just stopped.

Lindy

Wrong questions. The right question is:
Why would you even want to be in a relationship with someone who treats you this way?
The answer is:
You don't.
Lindy

jewels

It's all been said. I can't help but wonder why he was with her to start with.

Someone very close to me was exactly like that. Her guy sent her into therapy. They've had some rocky times, but supposedly she's getting better. I do know that her first trusting relationship ended when she found out the guy she'd been with all along had been screwing his ex throughout their relationship. She took this baggage with her into every relationship for years, until this one guy yelled STOP!

If the guy doesn't need the drama and doesn't love her, let her go.

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We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

snowy

It's been a month since the OP: any updates?

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau