sapiens

A post in the finance section called When does money become your s/o's concern prompted me to think about conflict in my relationship regarding family finances.

My wife and I have shared a bank account since before we were married. I don't think that we have ever had a big conflict over spending. We're both really frugal though she probably spends more money than me (mostly on clothes). She does get pissed that she usually gets stuck balancing the checkbook and paying the bills, but only when she makes an error. Then, suddenly, I am at fault for not doing it.

I have friends who are married who seem to be in frequent conflict over their finances. They are both really cool people. They have separate bank accounts. The man makes far more than the woman. He is constantly spending money on hobbies . He bought a very expensive digital camera that he rarely uses, scuba gear that he never uses, outrageously expensive stereo equipment,etc. At the same time, she struggles to cover car payments on the car they share, and cover daycare for their son.

Have you ever been upset about something your partner bought? Why?


EDIT: Mods: Because it was a general question and not advice oriented, I stuck this here. If you think this belongs somewhere else, please move it.

solo2020

Working in the family business, I know all about our familys finances.

The family business has a checking account that we use to pay our house bills. Phone, electrical, car, yadda yadda. The Mortage is stuck in their joint personal checking account that they never abuse.

My mother has her own savings account, which she uses to save up for non-essential goodies; saving up for a new car, remodeling the house, buying new furniture.

My father uses the business checking account (which he never abuses) for his goodies; mainly golf and home improvement supplies.

They often get into arguments about who pays what. Not the matter of whos paying, but who is paying the bills on time. They are swamped with literally 4 dozen different bills that come to the house and business. Often, several slip under the crack. Penalities mount and mother becomes frustrated.

Seeing this, when I do get married, I would propose the same. A joint checking account for the essential bills and a individual checking account for disposable income. Much simpler, and saves headaches

Lefty04

Our biggest conflict is that I try to limit what our kids can buy. My wife loves to shop, and they can talk her into about anything. I want them to learn some values and always end up as the bad guy for saying no.

onodrim

I presonally think it would be best to have just one account for the two people to share. Especially in the case that sapiens mentioned - I mean, they're married, there is no reason that the husband can't lend his wife some money to help pay for things that are a part of both their lives.

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f6twister

My wife and I do sometimes argue over finances but that actually got better after we decided to discuss any purchases over $30. She will go as far as to call me at work to see if it is okay to buy something. Since we made this agreement, life has become much easier. It all goes back to communication and cooperation in relationships.

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braisler

I consider myself immensely fortunate that my wife and I save rather than spend. There are things that we do spend money on, principally travel and art, but we are both bargain shoppers and live well below our means. We recently both got out of graduate school and started real careers. Now that we are actually making money, we are saving a bunch toward retirement. Our spending has loosened up a bit with the new influx of money, but we are not out buying new cars. In fact, our lifestyle hasn't changed all that much.

I think that it all boils down to what personality type you have. If you pair a "saver" with a "spender", there is bound to be frustration on both sides. In that kind of situation you have to lay down some ground rules or the relationship will self-destruct.

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joeyaz

My fiancee is not finacially responsible at all I'd rather not but she ask me to hold all her credit cards and even debt card and has to ask me all the time for 20.00 for the week because she just signs over her check to me. She is a self confessed "shop addict". I'd like her to be more indepedant but when I have tried to let her take care of the finances herself she will implode and goes negative on her checkings pay cards late and max out credit. So I pay all her bills.

She allows me to take care of everything because I am almost fanatical about getting the lowest rates, paying everything off early etc etc, I even have an desktop calendar show me when I have any due dates approaching for anything and the possible rates for cc's if I carry a balance. I'd rather not have so much responsibility but I suppose it works our for now especially since we have a house being built and saving a largish downpayment is needed.

Rodney

My wife and I kept separate finances for a long time. We lived together for several years, and that made sense at the time; but after a couple of years we got a joint checking account that we both made contributions to.

After we were officially married, we eventually merged our accounts. My wife never saved much until she met me, and was actually reluctant to merge accounts; she felt that it was unfair to me, because I had much more, and because she had always been a spender. so since we merged savings -- at my impetus -- she's been very good at checking with me before purchases. She really wants to make sure that it's all right. For my part, I try not to be too anal, and generally it works out fine. What bugs her is that I _never_ buy much stuff for myself, so in her view I still hold the moral high ground. But I don't see it as a moral thing. I just don't buy stuff.

rfra3645

Yeah i fit in this category... my wife isnt a "saver” but she is conseritive... i on the other hand feel i earn therfore i spend... not reall good but... i cant seem to get past it... so if anyone reading this has advice lemme hear it..

She makes allot more money than i do. But her job is verry seasonal and it doesn’t provide steady income... my jobs is extremely steady the only fluctuation depends on the hours i work.

We have a joint acct... And have been doing great for 4 years. Not 1 bounced check amazingly. We are living at or past the limit of our means... and things havent been good the last 3 or 4 months... were back on top we think but here comes christmass like a speeding freight train.

I don’t have any credit cards anymore... and i ask for most purchases above 30$ but i can easilly nickel and dime us to death...

Anyway the whole reason i came to this thread was... to say


My wife im sure hates my habits but doesn’t say anything...

So i said it for her...

<<stand up guy.....

Yeah right

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if you cant read my post i dont want to hear about it move on. thanks

william

I used to live on the "flip-side" of the above mentioned. When I was married, I started in the military, and my wife had a part time job (I offered to pay for college - she refused). Even though we had a joint account, I let her keep her money to spend as she wished and I covered the bills. Everything worked fine as long as I was around.
Then I had to spend time in the field. She found a skirt "on sale", then had to buy the matching blouse, shoes, and top; along w/other things. I was away for 3 weeks, and she didn't make the rent, or other payments I asked her to do! Her sister came to visit, and the necessary payments got kicked to the curb! Had to straighten that up.
I was stationed overseas for a year. Just bought her a car. Agreed to put most of my income into savings to buy a military-discount car, since she wanted to move back w/her parents(no bills, but she had money, even if she chose not to work - she did). Ten months into it, I asked how the savings were doing. Her response - "What savings?". Thousands of dollars pissed away on "this was on sale, but it went w/this[not on sale]".
Now - w/my SO, we keep separate accounts and split the bills.

rfra3645

how do you guys decide what to split????

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this post is a natural product made from recycled electrons.
the slight variations in spelling, grammar and punctuation
enhance its individual character and individuality and are
in no way to be considered flaws or defects.


if you cant read my post i dont want to hear about it move on. thanks

merkerguitars

Personally I would have them separate. No offense but it's my money and not my spouses no offense either but if you divorce your wife there that money goes. One of my friends had a join account with his gf, he went to basic training and a whole bunch of stuff didn't get paid....well when he came back he purposely bounced checks so she would get fired from work, I guess thats the only nice thing about a joint account.

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LewisCouch

My lovely wife pays for the household sundries, groceries, her own medical bills, her clothing and fills her own car with gas. I pay for eveything else including her car. Sometimes I wish she would help out with the bills even though she makes substantially less than I do, but then again, we have never had an argument over money. I guess I'm lucky!

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scout

I can't complain about my wife in the least bit. If anyone has a right to complain about spending money she certainly does. We make relatively the same amount of money, I might bring home a bit more as a rule but not always, but I spend and spend and spend ..... actually I'm doin' better than I used to. She has to be one of the most spend thrifty ladies I've ever seen. She tells me all the time how lucky I am she is such low maintenance. We have a joint checking account which she manages with perfection, joint savings which I put money into for us to spend on things we want {usually it's me that wants haha} or to pay off bills when we get enough in it to do so and it don't hurt so bad. Another savings account that is used for Christmas, birthdays etc. Then I have a seperate savings account for business things, mainly used to cash business checks. Her check is automatically deposited every two weeks which along with the money I deposit into the checking is used to pay the everyday bills and some extras. It's sure a lotta accounts but it works for us, we never argue, and most certainly never about money.

andrewtayloruk

I've been with my girlfriend for 8 years (since I was 18), we've had a joint bank account for about 7/7.5 years, we don't have any seperate individual bank accounts but we both have our own credit cards but the credit card bills get paid out of the joint account.

All of the household bills and mortgage come out of the joint account, we both understand that if we go out and blow 1K on something then we both have to do without, that makes you think, is it fair for my SO to do without because I want a new computer etc.

I handle all the financial stuff, we both used to earn about the same but she's just started her own business, I've been earning more but it's started to even out now the business has taken off.

We never ever ever fight about money, I'd give her my last penny and more without consideration, life is too short to argue about money.

Drider_it

my bills get paid, smoke, snacks and internet. the rare dvd purchase, game or book. other than that my wife gets it all and its ok by me.

main thing is
1. the kids
2. all else

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Janey

1 chequing account, 1 savings account. both are joint. My paycheque goes into the savings, my hubby's goes into the chequing. All the household bills are paid out of the chequing account. There is no split between who is responsible for what. Since we are married, the household is a co-committment. The savings account accumulates, and annually we pay down the mortgage, and contribute to our RRSPs, maxing out what we can.

My sister has a bad situation, her hubby keeps his earning to himself, but she has to pay her 'half' of the bills. Since she doesn't work, she has to do home-daycare to make some money. It's an atrocious situation, one that i'm sure will end in divorce.

warrrreagl

When the wife and I got married 11 years ago, our credit was perfect and we were America's financial sweethearts. Eight years and one joint checking account later, we were near financial ruin. ALL of it was my fault, of that there is no doubt. In 2001, she took over the finances completely. Nowadays, I may offer advice or suggestions, but she is completely in charge. She has two checking accounts (one for our money, one for her money), and I have absolutely no access to either account. When she pays the bills, my job is to sit nearby and tear off the bottom pay stubs from the bills and stuff the envelopes. I am also in charge of sealing the envelopes and applying postage. The rest is all hers. If I need money at work for something, I ask her for it before I leave the house; otherwise, I'm not allowed to carry any money or checks.

The initial gagging on my pride was pretty substantial and humiliating, but I have to admit that she's a financial genius, and she single-handedly rescued us from disaster and has us in pretty good shape these days. This time next year, we should be debt-free except for house and car payments.

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StephenSa

Its a little weird for me in my marriage. My wife makes much more than me, more than twice my salary. She also has a 12 yr. old girl, now my stepdaughter. I pay half the utilities, buy half the groceries and cover half the house mortgage. She covered most of the wedding and honeymoon which was pretty expensive. Lately she has wanted me to put more toward the mortgage to help cover property taxes. She does sometimes let me slide a little on bills if I have an unexpected bill like dental work or car repair or the like. I'm not sure how I feel about the whole thing. For instance half the groceries. I don't feel feeding her daughter is my responsibility. If I made more money ok but I don't and I have trouble covering all my expenses so I'd like that to go away or be tempered somewhat. Maybe I could buy basics but all the breakfast cereals and snacks and chips and cookies and crap I never had to buy when alone should go. We talked about it and she didn't mention it for a while but now its back. Also the extra money toward the property taxes. The house is in her name (she purchased before the marriage) and I already make half the monthly mortgage. I really can't afford a couple hundred more a month and again, she more than doubles my salary. I'm not looking for a free ride, I'm a man and want to earn my way but if the situation was reversed and I was the big money maker with a child I would ask somewhat less of her financially. She puts a fair amount away into savings for her retirement and for her daughters college fund but with what I have to pay I have nothing left to put away and sometimes worry about my future. I mean, I never wanted the big house and before we got together my needs were pretty simple. In marrying her my bills have actually gone up. She likes to go out to nice restaraunts and take trips and a lot of this I just can't afford and still cover expenses. I've tried to bring up some of these issues and how I worry about my future but she gets upset. She says she's just putting aside money for OUR future and it doesn't matter whos name the house is in because it will always be our home. I told her one never knows what will happen, we might get divorced one day or there might be an untimely death and suddenly I'm out on the street with no savings and no home. This conversation did NOT go well so I dropped it. I don't know, I just think the partner that makes significantly more should bear a bit more weight if the couple is going to live the lifestyle of said partner. I'm going to sit her down and have a long talk about budgets and my reality sometime in the near future.

braisler

The situation that you are could easily lead to resentment (if it hasn't already). That is a terrible thing to have in a marriage. Have you thought about inviting her to to read what you have written here? I introduced my wife to the TFP as a forum discussion with some insightful and mature viewpoints that I was enjoying and I thought she might enjoy as well. She joined up and it has stimulated some interesting discussion between us on a few topics. Some times people find it easier to express themselves when writing to a group than when talking face-to-face with their S/O. Of course, that assumes she is a computer friendly type and open to this type of discussion. It sounds like you have some reasonable concerns that are not being heard in your relationship. Open up the lines of communication through whatever means necessary. If you let it go on and do nothing about it, don't be surprised when it comes around and bites you in the ass.

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legolas

i have a long term girlfriend now and money is an issue. it always is. i think there should be group decisions and understandings though. even if you both have jobs, if it's serious enough, you guys share money. i really hate it when a wife or husband says "well it's my money" because relationship is about unity.

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SaltPork

My wife and I recently have had some "spirited" discussions about spending. We were short about $2000 one month and she made a comment about me going out to lunch too much. I seriously doubted that me spending $20-$30/week on fast food could be a contributing factor to our deficit. Well, as can be expected, we played the blame game for a couple of days and things kid of subsided. She is in charge of the finances. She is a stay at home mom so I take it personally when there is not enough money...and I make a lot at my current job, at least enough for us to live comfortably. We did out our numbers and found that about $800 a month goes to retirement savings for us and college savings for the kids. We just have to stop buying things that catch our eye.

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Coppertop

My girl takes care of all of our finances. She refers to herself as the CFO of our apartment. Guess that makes me the CIO. She balances the books, I keep the machines up and running. Works out for us.

We take our total income, minus all bills, divide by 3 and put towards my allowance, her allowance and a mutual save fund.