Amnesia620

I fit...however, I don't quite fit correctly.

Even now, after taking every step in the right direction, I find that I'm still different from most everyone. Normally, this would be good. Being unique is a beautiful thing, right? Yet, I'm so unique...I'm pretty much alone. I have people around me, of course. For example, my fiance' Joseph and his parents...and some of his friends who playfully irritate me at random...then there are a few people I see every now and then that I still call friends, however, visits have become fewer and farther between...and then there are my friends who don't live in the same city or state as me, which makes closeness, and sudden availability for a long conversation, difficult. The problem isn't having friends...it's making (or keeping) them.

For example, I find that a lot of girls my age (mid 20's) or younger (early 20's) are barbie doll carbon copies with various different accessories...however, they all seem to speak the same, look the same and like the same things. Sadly, with every one of them they fall into one or all of these categories: they're dumb, ditzy, immature, snotty, fake, or they are the gravitational center to orbiting drama.

Simply put, I find very little (if any) in common with these types of people.

Groups are just as hard. Anything I have to say is either ignored, or momentarily regarded then dismissed.

I would just figure that I've got social issues, that I'm a social outcast and that's my lot in life. However, I used to have A LOT of friends...people would seek me out to spend time with me. My company was wanted and my attention enjoyed...but now...

Physically, I've not changed much over the years. I'm friendly, happy, and caring. I'm pretty down-to-earth, mature, and intelligent.

So, what is it that I'm missing?

__________________
For example, I find that a lot of college girls are barbie doll carbon copies with few differences...Sadly, they're dumb, ditzy, immature, snotty, fake, or they are the gravitational center to orbiting drama. - Amnesia620

ngdawg

Probably, nothing.
Are you comfortable in your own skin? I've found that, when we aren't, it's reflected in that people can't relate to us and vice versa. It's almost as if we wear a cloak of invisibility, intentional or not, simply because we become so introspective.
I've always had difficulty relating to women in my own age group and almost never could-I think early 40's was the only time I had women friends. Now, I have one best friend who's female-all my other friends are male. It's a 'common interest' thing, maybe....I just don't find shopping and kids' soccer games interesting and they aren't redneck dreamers out to simply enjoy life. *shrug*
You obviously are making at least one person on earth very happy. Revel in that, embrace it; some people never even get that chance. You could even ask him what is it about you he loves so much and understand what at least one other person sees in you that you don't see.

__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

Jinn

Bahah. That's awesome. I'd never heard this expression before, and I'm definitely going to steal it.

Your dilemma seems explainable in two different ways. The primary explanation is your age group. Every decade of our lives is easily measured by the "stickyness" (for lack of a better word) of friends. 1-10 and 10-19 are relatively sticky, with the majority of your friends seeing you every day, as you live in close proximity and attend the same elementary, middle, and high schools. Even people who move around a lot in their childhood have pretty sticky friends at their new schools.

The twenties, unfortunately, are notorious for a "flow" of friends. People are taking the time to become who they want to be, including dramatic changes in attitudes and opinions. This alone can splinter friends and disconnect them, and it's only compounded by the fact that people are very mobile in this time period. They're moving to other states to attend college, leaving those states after graduation, pairing up with members of the opposite (or same) sex and isolating themselves from friends while developing relationships, or just taking time to be "independent."

I've had twenty to fifty friends come and go in the last year, and I imagine it'll only get worse as I seperate from the college age individuals.

It isn't until the thirties that people start to develop "sticky" friends again. You're settling into careers and long term relationships, so your friends are likely fellow employees or friends of those who you are in relationships with.

By now people are done moving around so much and have slowed down in dating, so they're much more sticky and more convenient to talk to.

I suppose the short answer is just that you have to wait for that time to come.

The OTHER explanation that I would offer is that you're a unique breed of woman. You're right that most of the women in this generation are annoying carbon copies who look alike, talk alike, and think the same stupid shit. The ones who care about things interesting to me are rare, but a brief e-spying at your profile tells me that you and my girlfriend would be good friends. She complains of the same qualities.. that most women she knows wouldn't be particularly good friends, becuase they're so lacking in desire, interest, education, compassion or .. well.. really anything important.

It's a generational phenomenon as well as a factor of being a unique woman. Be proud of it. :-D

__________________
"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

abaya

Yes, definitely. I'm turning 28 and have moved at least 10 times in the last 10 years, with several of those not only being cross-country moves but international as well. I've usually been able to make friends easily every time I've moved, but my recent move to Iceland (my 2nd time doing so in my 20s) has been very different than previous moves. I think this is because:

1) I'm recently married, which makes friend-finding somehow a different ballgame than before (haven't quite figured out why, yet... it's like singles and couples don't mix?? No one told me this before!).

2) I'm no longer a student, which I have been for 23 of my 28 years on this earth... and thus am no longer privy to the social life of a campus community, which significantly eases the process of making friends.

So, like you, Amnesia... 100% of my good friends live at least a 5 hour flight away from here, and most of them live a good deal further away... and I (and my husband) have had a hard time adjusting to the new social reality of our current location in life/the world. I spend a lot of time chatting with friends online to keep up.

Here's hoping the 30's will go as JinnKai said... But for now, I think this is all pretty par for the course, including your situation. C'est la vie and stuff.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Nimetic

Shouldn't let it worry you in my view.

First up, most people are stupid. Second, lots of them stopped maturing (mentally) at some point in their mid-teens. And thirdly, do you really want to be like them?

I gave up on my peers years ago. Went and did my own thing and found my own hobbies (hey it was pre-mainstream-internet, these were productive hobbies). This kept me happy, and gave me stories to tell.

Yeah, sometimes it bothers me. But honestly, I don't think I'll be sitting in the nursing home thinking "I wish that I'd sat at home more often with friends from high-school".

MySexyAssJ

I am going through the same exact thing right now. I moved down to Los Angeles to be with the love of my life and have since lost touch with a couple of my friends from back home. I've tried to make new friends while living here, but it's not the easiest thing to come by.

This is exactly what it's like here. I've tried making new friends at work, but in the end, these people all seem to fall into these categories you've mentioned.
I'm like you, I can hang out with my guy and his friends no problem, but at the same time, it'd be nice to hang out with the girls too. I only wish that the ones I did come across, would be more decent.

__________________
Once bitten, Twice shy.

Amnesia620

You have a way of making a person feel better. Thank you, NG. You couldn't have expressed it better.

I love it, too. You can steal it, just remember where it came from. In other words, I want credit for my genius. LOL. Thank you for your thoughts on what's going on with me. It helps...it really does.

Thank you. It makes me feel A LOT better knowing that I'm not alone...I was worried that something was/is/has been really wrong with me.

Thank you for taking the time to help me with this. I appreciate people taking the time to help me feel as though I'm not lost. There are days I wonder if I'm ever going to have friends come over to see me on a regular basis. But you're right, perhaps it's not something I should worry about right now.

__________________
For example, I find that a lot of college girls are barbie doll carbon copies with few differences...Sadly, they're dumb, ditzy, immature, snotty, fake, or they are the gravitational center to orbiting drama. - Amnesia620

Baraka_Guru

The wise don't keep company with fools. You just need to find out where the wise people are hanging out.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

Amnesia620

It's too funny that you mention this, SexyAss! I'm originally from CA and I know how people are there. I miss my home. I feel the same way you do about hanging out with girls...I mean, it's cool to hang out with my guy and his friends and all...but I miss having someone other than my man to confide in. Thank you for relating to me on this level.

I feel honored to be referred to on a level of wisdom. I would hope I never lose it...I wish there were more people on this planet who would sit down and change themselves in a way so that I'd have more people to socialize with. Until that time comes, perhaps I should spend more time here with those that understand.

__________________
For example, I find that a lot of college girls are barbie doll carbon copies with few differences...Sadly, they're dumb, ditzy, immature, snotty, fake, or they are the gravitational center to orbiting drama. - Amnesia620

tenniels

I understand your problem amnesia620. I often wonder if sometimes I'm the square peg trying to fit a round hole as well. I have friends and I love hanging out with them, but I find it hard relating to new people. One thing I have learned though is that a lot of people that I have written off as carbon copies of these Barbie girls, are actually more like me than anyone would ever know. The problem is they just are afraid of being their authentic selves more than I am. I find once you get to know a lot of these people, they are just like anyone else, but probably more insecure and using their image as a cover. This of course does not apply to everyone, I have met too many dumbass girls in my short time on earth (I'm 24). I get annoyed with the superficiality of it all and the lack of meaningful conversation that a lot of these girls present. One of my problems is, I do enjoy being alone, spending time alone, being different and all that. Sometimes though, it would just be nice to be around other people that are more like me, people I can converse with and relate too. Also, a lot of my friends are marrying and having kids. I'm not ready for either of these things, and am not sure I will ever have kids or that marriage is something I believe in for myself. This does not mean I don't want a long-term commited relationship or hate children, I just do not know if either fits into my life. Sometimes I wonder if I'm missing out on something. Then again, sometimes I just think that I think far too much and would be far happier if I didn't focus on these things at all. I think the fact that you are introspective enough to think of these things makes you the type of person that I would like to hang out with, it sounds as though we have a lot in common. I guess I really don't have anything to say that can help you out, but I do relate and appreciate your post very much. Keep being the wonderful individual you are and I'm certain great things will come your way

__________________

Amnesia620

The last line is reassuring and heartfelt. Thank you. I can also understand where you are coming from on the subject of marriage and children. I've already had a son, 8 years ago this month...I gave him up for adoption and I'm okay with my decision. I'm also engaged to a great guy, however, I have had continuous doubts on whether or not this is the right path for me. The last thing I want in my life is to make the wrong decision...especially when it involves other people, innocent or otherwise.

__________________
For example, I find that a lot of college girls are barbie doll carbon copies with few differences...Sadly, they're dumb, ditzy, immature, snotty, fake, or they are the gravitational center to orbiting drama. - Amnesia620

Cynthetiq

I just learned to become comfortable with my round pegness and if it's a square hole that I'm in for the moment, it's for the moment. I don't sweat it.

I'm with abaya, moved alot, so now I'm quite settled, but again I still moved alot within the same area until I found where I wanted to plant more permanent roots.

But mostly, I had to learn more than anything to be comfortable being me so that I could find those friends that accepted me as me and vice versa.

edit: oh yeah, the couples singles thing... yeah a little awkward, but it's the most comfortable single friends I have that are fine with being the "third wheel" or even just going out as singles individually.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

AJ13

To be horrifically blunt -

You're saying that many, if not most of your friends have grown distant and do not spend as much time with you as they did before. You also claim that you haven't changed very much. I find this hard to believe...

The most obvious response I can come up with is that either you (1 person) or your friends ( > 1 person) have changed.

You say that previously you have had many friends that all wanted to spend time with you and actively sought you out and now you don't. In your previous few breaths you mentioned that you're tired of drama and pretentious people who act like teenagers - who I'm sure are as shallow and bland as the girls that come into my store every day with a different guy on one arm and a new purse on the other.

I think you've changed, I think you've matured, and I think that you're better for it.

There is nothing wrong with being the octagonal peg for the triangular hole, it makes you interesting and bearable to be around. You've at least got some friends, probably very good friends, and I'm positive that as time goes on you'll find other people in your age group mature as well and join your cadre. (At the very least, you've got (so far) at least 8 decent human beings that you can complain to on these boards)

My best advice is to go out, act like yourself, pretend that you don't care what people think, and if they don't like you, fuck 'em - there's better friends out there anyways.

Hope everything works out!

Plan9

Not what you are missing, what you have!

(gestures to your huge, beautiful brain)

THIS seems to be the source of the problem for the subhumans in your quest for acceptance.

Hey... the first monkey to walk upright got shit talked to 'em all the time.

......

I'm the same way. I go out and sit there while all my friends are womanizing, flexing their muscles, and posturing like gorillas at the zoo. I want a girl who plays board games, reads books, shoots an M4 better than me, and doesn't mind putting her toes in the mud while its raining outside.

And thus I watch and wait.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

The Faba

What? I like boobies.

It's not my fault!

I do agree though, board games rock. 'specially the less mainstream ones - (EX: Settlers of Catan)

Amnesia620

I understand what you're trying to say, Cyn. However, it's not just for the moment...this has been going on for a good part of a decade...and has become increasingly worse over the last four years. At this point, I have one friend that calls me from Tennessee semi-often and I have another friend that visits occasionally. Otherwise, I spend time with Joseph, or one of his parents. There is no one else.

Also, luckily, I'm very comfortable with myself. My confidence did wane some over the last few years due to the problems I had, however, I've taken a lot of time to rebuild my confidence and my self-esteem. Although I've done this, and taken the time to know myself, I'm still finding I'm without friends or social outlets.

Ok, fair enough. I have matured and grown over the years, however, I meant I haven't changed in appearance very much. I haven't grown repulsive in any obvious way.

I know that, also, I'm not materialistic or shallow. I can be judgemental, however, I've given the primest example of how I judge in my original post. I strive to build up my confidence and self-esteem everyday, to overcome any roadblocks.

I hope now that I've enrolled at a new college that things will change. We can only wait and see. A part of me is trepidatious about it because I fear (just a little) that I will find, once again, the cookie-cutter barbie girls.

Wow. Now, I really wish there were more girls I knew that were like me. I strive to be a better person everyday; to be more intelligent and worth my weight in some expensive metal. I can't shoot an M4 (never tried), but I know what one is. I've never even touched an M16. However, I'm smart enough to know it's not a little round candy coated chocolate M&M with a number on it. Sadly, I know girls who would think it was the latter.

I love it when it rains.

By the way, Cynthetiq, your avatar is still THE CUTEST picture I've ever seen!!!!

__________________
For example, I find that a lot of college girls are barbie doll carbon copies with few differences...Sadly, they're dumb, ditzy, immature, snotty, fake, or they are the gravitational center to orbiting drama. - Amnesia620