Confidence - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

jRuntlets · 10-20-2005, 05:09 PM

Hi there everyone,
I'm 20, and have recently been passed over for what he says is my "Lack of confidence". Now, I know I'm not a confident in my physical self but I'm confident in every other aspect of my life. However, he said because I wasn't confident enough to be aggressive (ie. initiating kissing ect) that it was a turn off. The issue I have with this is that we spoke about this and I was trying, but the only opportunities that were presented after the discussion were in public situations where we were with a group of 10 or so friends. This in my opinion was not ideal for me to try out new things and be comfortable. At the same time he also said my lack of confidence in myself made me question him. It's not as if I turned away when he initiated, and I also initiated cuddling or standing close with my arm in his when we were in these public situations.

Where as, when I made the effort to look good when we went out (more than I would if I was going by myself), if I got any sort of compliment from him it was "that's a nice shirt." uh, yes that's why I bought it. The only time he told me he thought I was pretty was when he was dumping me, or when he first met me and his best friend told me he said I was pretty. I know I have a hard time giving compliments so I made the extra effort to work on it. I'd say things like "Wow, I really like that shirt, it makes your eyes look fantastic." because I feel stupid saying that someone has pretty eyes with no lead in.

I feel like I put myself out there and really tried because I know these are issues I have to struggle with. At the same time he didn't give me a chance, four days after our discussion about what we wanted from each other he cut it off. I had a few things to get comfortable with that take more than four days to do so, and he never allowed us to be in a situation where I was able to do it one on one, we were always with people. He ended things by saying I was a worth while person, and I was great… but I think if he really liked me for who I was he wouldn’t have made excuses and helped me through things.
What do you think, was he fair with me or not?

JumpinJesus · 10-20-2005, 05:45 PM

No, he wasn't fair to you, but that's his loss, not yours. Confidence can take years to build and anyone worthy of your time will stick around as you grow. He probably did you a favor by letting you go, as now you're free to find someone who will appreciate you for you and be around when you become as confident as you can possibly be.

And another thing, when that day comes, and it will, you'll run into your ex and he will regret ever having let you go.

hunnychile · 10-20-2005, 05:51 PM

Oh dear j, you sound sad & I'm sorry that you have been hurt - but it seems as if this bozo wasn't a very nice guy to begin with and in reality I think you are lucky to be rid of him. It's pretty hard to "pretend to be confident" if you aren't feeling it. Maybe you are just still young and inexperienced and a bit shy about relationships. That can be a nice way to be, especially if you meet a guy who likes ladies who aren't forceful or aggressive or whatever else that appears as cofidence to some dudes. The hurt will pass.

Be yourself and enjoy the journey. There are better guys out there waiting to meet someone like you.

MageB420666 · 10-20-2005, 05:52 PM

From your description, no, he was not fair. You can't expect someone to change a part of their personality in a few days based upon a request.

It sounds to me like he wanted to be with someone like you, and you fit the description of what he wanted, with just one thing missing. In my opinion that is not a good way to have a relationship, you shouldn't be with someone because they almost fit your idea of a perfect partner, and you think you can change them to fit that idea. Both people in the relationship should want to be with each other, faults and all, and work on changing together, because both people want to, not just because one partner would prefer the other to be a certain way.

JustJess · 10-20-2005, 06:16 PM

*hug*
It's not you. Seriously, it's not. Even "confident" people go through not-so-confident phases, so it only follows that you'll go through a more-confident-than-usual phase. But it's hard to hit that kind of phase in a relationship when you're with someone who is, subtly or not, belittling you. Saying "you're not confident enough for me"... is not the best way to show you what he needs. Clearly, he wasn't even 20, hmm? At least not mentally.

Give yourself some time to find out what YOU want out of a relationship, and then don't accept anything less. You deserve that. Besides, it just sounds more like you're a bit shy - and there is nothing wrong with that! I often find shy people attractive partially for the very fact that they're not pushing their goods in your face - you get to "discover" more about them, rather than knowing it all immediately. Your kisses mean more somehow, knowing you wouldn't give them if you didn't mean it, didn't trust me. Maybe that doesn't make complete sense, but that's how it felt to me, being with a shyer person. I bet that's what it's like to be with you, too.

He can screw off. You'll find someone who thinks like I do about the shyness, and who can give you what you want as well. I'm sorry you had to listen to such a schmuck.

shesus · 10-20-2005, 06:56 PM

j, I think you should feel lucky that you got out when you did. He was not being fair and it doesn't sound like he was honoring your feelings. Confidence takes a long time to build, which was mentioned earlier. It also helps if someone is helping you build it, which to me it doesn't sound like he was. If anything, he's hurt your confidence more than build it up. Cut your losses and focus on you. Exercising and doing things that you enjoy are definite confidence boosters. One day you will find a guy who will compliment you and help you shine. But you don't need a guy to do that for you.

And what jj said is true...give it time and build yourself up...one day he will see you and kick himself in the ass for letting you go. (I speak from experience

)

nightstuff · 10-21-2005, 04:51 AM

Can't be a huge confidence boost to have your significant other leave you for lack of confidence...blah, I feel for you. But you know, decide right now not to let him have that power over you, to let him push you down. You surely have lots to offer a relationship, and there are definately guys out there that have the emotional maturity to show more understanding and patience, and be capable of supporting their sweetheart's self growth.

You were willing to work on it, he was't willing to give you that time. Those type of guys you dont need in your life, do you. Good you found that out now, and not when you were even deeper into things.

jRuntlets · 10-21-2005, 08:32 AM

Thanks for all the comments everyone, they're a boost to my confidence.

I realize what he did was wrong and yeah that sucks. People don't understand that I'm confident in myself out of a relationship and around people I know, but when it comes to new people/new relationships I'm akward as all get out. Thanks again for everything!

zensheep · 10-21-2005, 09:52 AM

I'm pretty much the exact same way you are. I know I'm a fun, intelligent, funny, fairly attractive guy, but it takes me a while to get past my initial awkwardness around other people. And hey, my girlfriend just broke up with me! I'm confident that I'll meet someone else who will understand who I am and like me for that. My last relationship would have been perfect except for the whole long distance thing

. This guy was definitely not for you and I know it takes a while (at least it is for me) but in the end things will work out and you'll find someone who appreciates you for exactly who you are.

Cimarron29414 · 10-21-2005, 11:56 AM

Sounds to me like the best way to boost your confidence is to rid yourself of the people that are bringing you down. You are well on your way by getting rid of this guy, so cheers for you!

I might be wrong, but what I am hearing is that you are self-conscious regarding your appearance. Welcome to America. Women are captured at birth by the mass media. They are conditioned from the time they are old enough to listen that they are not tall enough, thin enough or pretty enough. Billions of dollars are year is spent telling them they will be prettier, happier, more successful if they would only buy this and own that. These companies don't want you to feel better about yourself, they want you to buy their stuff in order to feel better!

Every guy in here will agree that he HOTTEST women on the planet are those that are comfortable in their own skin. I have seen 200 lb. women that I find more attactive than the waif at the mall that slouches and hids behind her bangs. You will not achieve a healthy body image by poisoning yourself with Vogue and Cosmo.

The best thing you can do to boost your confidence is to take the following steps immediately:

1) Program your TV with the V chip-thingie so that you can't watch E!, Style Network, MTV, VH1, etc. Paris Hilton will get along without you, somehow. While you are at it, just cut the cord off your TV and read a nice novel or go outside and play.

2) Program your computer so you can not see the webpages E!Online, Style Network, etc.
3) Throw away every fashion magazine you own.
4) Stand up straight.
5) Pull your hair back away from your face.
6) Smile, even when you don't feel like it.

Jinn · 10-21-2005, 01:21 PM

Looks like I'll be the first, again, to jump off the hate train. Just because he dumped you for having a lack of confidence does not make him a bad man or make what he did "horrible." Would you rather he be honest about WHAT made him no longer appreciate the relationship, or simply leave? Confidence is very important to me in a relationship, because it's very telling. If you can't even love yourself, why should I love you? If you can't be assertive enough to tell me whats wrong, am I supposed to guess? It makes for plenty of awkward situation if one or both of the partners can't be confident enough to assert their desires. Where does honest communication come from? From two confident people talking about themselves and what they need. If you can't decide what you need AND tell people about it, then you're doing a disservice to yourself and them. Any fear you have of telling the other person what YOU need is unnatural.

Quote:

It sounds to me like he wanted to be with someone like you, and you fit the description of what he wanted, with just one thing missing. In my opinion that is not a good way to have a relationship, you shouldn't be with someone because they almost fit your idea of a perfect partner, and you think you can change them to fit that idea.

Mage nailed it right on the head, and this is why I don't think he was a "bad" man for doing what he did. The 'bad' man would have stayed with you and tried to mold you into the person he wanted, instead of telling you that he couldn't wait around for it and leaving. By leaving, he gives you the chance to be a relationship where the other person isn't trying to change you.

The above posters do have something right: find people who love you for who you are, and be blantantly honest with them. Hold nothing back. Tell them EVERYTHING. Once you realize that they still love you after you've told them everything, you'll realize that there is nothing to be gained in holding back yourself, your love, or your desires. Only by becoming confident enough to assert your desires will you ever be able to be truly happy in a relationship.

jRuntlets · 10-21-2005, 02:46 PM

Jinn, you interpret me wrong... I don't think he's a bad guy, I just think that he didn't give me enough of a chance. I think he's a great guy which is why I'm so upset that he only gave me FOUR days to improve on things I was working on before I met him. I think it is bad that he expected a drastic change in me over such a short period of time, without support from him.

I think it is BAD that men have a common tendency to tell women "Yes, I like you, yes, I think you're worthwhile." While dumping you. NO, you don't like me, NO you don't think I'm worthwhile and that's why you're dumping me. Would it kill anyone to be straightfoward!?

I was upfront from the get go with him, on the first date I told him "I'm self concious about myself, because I've had a hard time. I've been working really hard to be happy with myself physically and put myself out there in relationships." If he didn't want it, he had the out there on the first date. But what kills me is that I dragged this out of him, he had no intention of saying anything... but he intended to act distant hoping that I would get the hint. That is what hurts my confidence. I put myself out there, and someone who knows I'm not confident, plays games like this. If you don't like someone tell them. It hurts less to be told sooner rather than later.

GoldenOuroboros · 10-21-2005, 04:55 PM

No he wasn't fair, sounds like he's looking for something too perfect, no one is that perfect, if he truely loved you he would have helped you through things, find someone who is like that and move on from this guy

10-20-2005, 05:09 PM	#1 (permalink)
jRuntlets Crazy	Confidence Hi there everyone, I'm 20, and have recently been passed over for what he says is my "Lack of confidence". Now, I know I'm not a confident in my physical self but I'm confident in every other aspect of my life. However, he said because I wasn't confident enough to be aggressive (ie. initiating kissing ect) that it was a turn off. The issue I have with this is that we spoke about this and I was trying, but the only opportunities that were presented after the discussion were in public situations where we were with a group of 10 or so friends. This in my opinion was not ideal for me to try out new things and be comfortable. At the same time he also said my lack of confidence in myself made me question him. It's not as if I turned away when he initiated, and I also initiated cuddling or standing close with my arm in his when we were in these public situations. Where as, when I made the effort to look good when we went out (more than I would if I was going by myself), if I got any sort of compliment from him it was "that's a nice shirt." uh, yes that's why I bought it. The only time he told me he thought I was pretty was when he was dumping me, or when he first met me and his best friend told me he said I was pretty. I know I have a hard time giving compliments so I made the extra effort to work on it. I'd say things like "Wow, I really like that shirt, it makes your eyes look fantastic." because I feel stupid saying that someone has pretty eyes with no lead in. I feel like I put myself out there and really tried because I know these are issues I have to struggle with. At the same time he didn't give me a chance, four days after our discussion about what we wanted from each other he cut it off. I had a few things to get comfortable with that take more than four days to do so, and he never allowed us to be in a situation where I was able to do it one on one, we were always with people. He ended things by saying I was a worth while person, and I was great… but I think if he really liked me for who I was he wouldn’t have made excuses and helped me through things. What do you think, was he fair with me or not? __________________ Horses come and go, but some leave permanent hoof prints on your life.

10-20-2005, 05:45 PM	#2 (permalink)
JumpinJesus Junkie Location: Chicago	No, he wasn't fair to you, but that's his loss, not yours. Confidence can take years to build and anyone worthy of your time will stick around as you grow. He probably did you a favor by letting you go, as now you're free to find someone who will appreciate you for you and be around when you become as confident as you can possibly be. And another thing, when that day comes, and it will, you'll run into your ex and he will regret ever having let you go. __________________ "I can normally tell how intelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks I am" - Cormac McCarthy, All The Pretty Horses

10-20-2005, 05:51 PM	#3 (permalink)
hunnychile Alien Anthropologist Location: Between Boredom and Nirvana	Oh dear j, you sound sad & I'm sorry that you have been hurt - but it seems as if this bozo wasn't a very nice guy to begin with and in reality I think you are lucky to be rid of him. It's pretty hard to "pretend to be confident" if you aren't feeling it. Maybe you are just still young and inexperienced and a bit shy about relationships. That can be a nice way to be, especially if you meet a guy who likes ladies who aren't forceful or aggressive or whatever else that appears as cofidence to some dudes. The hurt will pass. Be yourself and enjoy the journey. There are better guys out there waiting to meet someone like you. __________________ "I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB

10-20-2005, 05:52 PM	#4 (permalink)
MageB420666 <Insert wise statement here> Location: Hell if I know	From your description, no, he was not fair. You can't expect someone to change a part of their personality in a few days based upon a request. It sounds to me like he wanted to be with someone like you, and you fit the description of what he wanted, with just one thing missing. In my opinion that is not a good way to have a relationship, you shouldn't be with someone because they almost fit your idea of a perfect partner, and you think you can change them to fit that idea. Both people in the relationship should want to be with each other, faults and all, and work on changing together, because both people want to, not just because one partner would prefer the other to be a certain way. __________________ Apathy: The best outlook this side of I don't give a damn.

10-20-2005, 06:16 PM	#5 (permalink)
JustJess Unencapsulated Location: Kittyville	hug It's not you. Seriously, it's not. Even "confident" people go through not-so-confident phases, so it only follows that you'll go through a more-confident-than-usual phase. But it's hard to hit that kind of phase in a relationship when you're with someone who is, subtly or not, belittling you. Saying "you're not confident enough for me"... is not the best way to show you what he needs. Clearly, he wasn't even 20, hmm? At least not mentally. Give yourself some time to find out what YOU want out of a relationship, and then don't accept anything less. You deserve that. Besides, it just sounds more like you're a bit shy - and there is nothing wrong with that! I often find shy people attractive partially for the very fact that they're not pushing their goods in your face - you get to "discover" more about them, rather than knowing it all immediately. Your kisses mean more somehow, knowing you wouldn't give them if you didn't mean it, didn't trust me. Maybe that doesn't make complete sense, but that's how it felt to me, being with a shyer person. I bet that's what it's like to be with you, too. He can screw off. You'll find someone who thinks like I do about the shyness, and who can give you what you want as well. I'm sorry you had to listen to such a schmuck. __________________ My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

10-20-2005, 06:56 PM	#6 (permalink)
shesus Fancy Location: Chicago	j, I think you should feel lucky that you got out when you did. He was not being fair and it doesn't sound like he was honoring your feelings. Confidence takes a long time to build, which was mentioned earlier. It also helps if someone is helping you build it, which to me it doesn't sound like he was. If anything, he's hurt your confidence more than build it up. Cut your losses and focus on you. Exercising and doing things that you enjoy are definite confidence boosters. One day you will find a guy who will compliment you and help you shine. But you don't need a guy to do that for you. And what jj said is true...give it time and build yourself up...one day he will see you and kick himself in the ass for letting you go. (I speak from experience ) __________________ Whatever did happen to your soul? I heard you sold it Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

10-21-2005, 04:51 AM	#7 (permalink)
nightstuff Tilted Location: where polar bears walk the streets	Can't be a huge confidence boost to have your significant other leave you for lack of confidence...blah, I feel for you. But you know, decide right now not to let him have that power over you, to let him push you down. You surely have lots to offer a relationship, and there are definately guys out there that have the emotional maturity to show more understanding and patience, and be capable of supporting their sweetheart's self growth. You were willing to work on it, he was't willing to give you that time. Those type of guys you dont need in your life, do you. Good you found that out now, and not when you were even deeper into things.

10-21-2005, 08:32 AM	#8 (permalink)
jRuntlets Crazy	Thanks for all the comments everyone, they're a boost to my confidence. I realize what he did was wrong and yeah that sucks. People don't understand that I'm confident in myself out of a relationship and around people I know, but when it comes to new people/new relationships I'm akward as all get out. Thanks again for everything! __________________ Horses come and go, but some leave permanent hoof prints on your life.

10-21-2005, 09:52 AM	#9 (permalink)
zensheep Crazy Location: Seattle	I'm pretty much the exact same way you are. I know I'm a fun, intelligent, funny, fairly attractive guy, but it takes me a while to get past my initial awkwardness around other people. And hey, my girlfriend just broke up with me! I'm confident that I'll meet someone else who will understand who I am and like me for that. My last relationship would have been perfect except for the whole long distance thing . This guy was definitely not for you and I know it takes a while (at least it is for me) but in the end things will work out and you'll find someone who appreciates you for exactly who you are.

10-21-2005, 11:56 AM	#10 (permalink)
Cimarron29414 Still Free Location: comfortably perched at the top of the bell curve!	Sounds to me like the best way to boost your confidence is to rid yourself of the people that are bringing you down. You are well on your way by getting rid of this guy, so cheers for you! I might be wrong, but what I am hearing is that you are self-conscious regarding your appearance. Welcome to America. Women are captured at birth by the mass media. They are conditioned from the time they are old enough to listen that they are not tall enough, thin enough or pretty enough. Billions of dollars are year is spent telling them they will be prettier, happier, more successful if they would only buy this and own that. These companies don't want you to feel better about yourself, they want you to buy their stuff in order to feel better! Every guy in here will agree that he HOTTEST women on the planet are those that are comfortable in their own skin. I have seen 200 lb. women that I find more attactive than the waif at the mall that slouches and hids behind her bangs. You will not achieve a healthy body image by poisoning yourself with Vogue and Cosmo. The best thing you can do to boost your confidence is to take the following steps immediately: 1) Program your TV with the V chip-thingie so that you can't watch E!, Style Network, MTV, VH1, etc. Paris Hilton will get along without you, somehow. While you are at it, just cut the cord off your TV and read a nice novel or go outside and play. 2) Program your computer so you can not see the webpages E!Online, Style Network, etc. 3) Throw away every fashion magazine you own. 4) Stand up straight. 5) Pull your hair back away from your face. 6) Smile, even when you don't feel like it. __________________ Gives a man a halo, does mead. "Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

10-21-2005, 02:46 PM	#12 (permalink)
jRuntlets Crazy	Jinn, you interpret me wrong... I don't think he's a bad guy, I just think that he didn't give me enough of a chance. I think he's a great guy which is why I'm so upset that he only gave me FOUR days to improve on things I was working on before I met him. I think it is bad that he expected a drastic change in me over such a short period of time, without support from him. I think it is BAD that men have a common tendency to tell women "Yes, I like you, yes, I think you're worthwhile." While dumping you. NO, you don't like me, NO you don't think I'm worthwhile and that's why you're dumping me. Would it kill anyone to be straightfoward!? I was upfront from the get go with him, on the first date I told him "I'm self concious about myself, because I've had a hard time. I've been working really hard to be happy with myself physically and put myself out there in relationships." If he didn't want it, he had the out there on the first date. But what kills me is that I dragged this out of him, he had no intention of saying anything... but he intended to act distant hoping that I would get the hint. That is what hurts my confidence. I put myself out there, and someone who knows I'm not confident, plays games like this. If you don't like someone tell them. It hurts less to be told sooner rather than later. __________________ Horses come and go, but some leave permanent hoof prints on your life.

10-21-2005, 04:55 PM	#13 (permalink)
GoldenOuroboros The Cheshire Grin... Location: An Aussie Outback	No he wasn't fair, sounds like he's looking for something too perfect, no one is that perfect, if he truely loved you he would have helped you through things, find someone who is like that and move on from this guy __________________ Can you see me grin grin grrriiiiinnnning?!