My Girlfriend has never orgasumed. - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

The Ballplayer · 06-01-2005, 01:06 PM

Well i guess the topic pretty much sums up my delima. I suppose most guys wouldnt care as long as they get theirs but i am really feeling down about it and that she should be getting hers too.

I have talked to her about it and she says that she has never had an orgasum. Not one her whole life and she thinks it stems from when she was raped about 2 or 3 years ago. Shes 21 now and im 20 and we've been going out for about a year now.

Im not an expert on rape counsoling and i dont know really what to say to her or how to help her except to tell her to go to a sex therepists or one that spicificly deals in rape. I just wish i could help her let go because she tells me i am doing a good job and that she is enjoying it but for some reason cant come. I have tried going down on her but she wont let me, she just doesnt feel comfortable with it.

Any further advice?

sailor · 06-01-2005, 01:08 PM

Yeah, counseling. Come on, she was raped, I think thats a little much for someone untrained to handle. Beyond that, just be there for her. I'd tell you not to concentrate on her orgasming, it makes her feel like she has to perform, which surely isnt gonna help.

diddagirl · 06-01-2005, 02:38 PM

It can be difficult for girls to orgasm even in the best of circumstances...with the rape I imagine it being even harder. Be patient with her and encourage her to talk to someone.

World's King · 06-01-2005, 02:41 PM

The answer is right in front of you.

Get her help. It's not your job to "fix" her.

And If all I else fails... I can take care of it for you.

ratbastid · 06-01-2005, 03:14 PM

The rape is a complicating factor, but if she never had an orgasm by the age of 18, it's not the source of the issue. Not that I think you should go after it with her--if the rape is still a major issue for her (and I'd be stunned if it wasn't), then anything she does around sex will have that lurking under the surface.

Get her some councelling. Is she in school? Most schools have people for their students to talk to.

Sweetpea · 06-01-2005, 03:48 PM

i think it's great you're reaching out to someone you love.

some have noted it's "not your job to fix someone" . . . and it's not . . . but it is a responsibility we have to those we love to extend a helping hand when we know they need one, so i respect and applaud you for reaching out to help her.
Rape is a difficult thing and can affect someone profoundly their whole lives, especially if they don't seek counseling, i would encourage her to do so or to talk about it with someone she trusts.

here's a couple resources: I'm not sure which state you are in..

http://www.rainn.org/centers/index.html

and here's some general info. for you (and her)

http://troubledwith.com/Web/groups/p...pic_008402.cfm

As a further note, it might not be the rape affecting her at all...

I never orgasmed until i was 21 years old . . . and it was just as simple as i was very repressed and from a repressed sexual background, i got a vibrator, i had never masturbated and i basically had to learn how to do it much later than most women do . . . and been cumming everyday since

Does she have a vibrator? does she masturbate? Was is her religious background? Would you classify her as repressed in any way?

Thanks,

Sweetpea

ontheroad · 06-01-2005, 06:05 PM

ddddddddddddddddd

Aladdin Sane · 06-01-2005, 06:13 PM

She needs to see a therapist. She needs to start masturbating. You need avoid putting pressure on her.

ktspktsp · 06-01-2005, 06:25 PM

First of all, as everyone said, she should definitely seek some counseling for her rape.

Another thing: many (most?) women do not come from penetration alone, but require clitoral stimulation. And the best way for you to do that is by going down on her - but she has to be comfortable with that first, which is still not the case.

All you can do is be helpful and patient, and NOT pressure her. Good luck man.

Locobot · 06-01-2005, 09:52 PM

Never ORGASUMED!!! OMG! WTF?

Sweetpea · 06-01-2005, 11:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Locobot

Never ORGASUMED!!! OMG! WTF?

well, you sure are helpful aren't you?

TFP is a place of respect and this member was looking for advice, please keep that in mind.

Sweetpea

portereight · 06-02-2005, 06:14 AM

Therapy aside (and without a doubt she should consider talking to someone) Women are complicated sexual creatures who come without manuals or instructions. What works for one may not work for another. If it's an orgasm she wants, it's masturbation she must endure. Only by finding out through trial and error on her own will she find what works for her.
If it is an owners manual you seek try http://www.comeasyouare.com/index.cf...ksBaking_Women
... and having a supportive patient understanding partner couldn't hurt either I suppose.

carguy · 06-02-2005, 09:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweetpea

well, you sure are helpful aren't you?

TFP is a place of respect and this member was looking for advice, please keep that in mind.

Sweetpea

Pardon me for butting in but, it just seemed like light hearted humor to me.

Sweetpea · 06-02-2005, 11:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by carguy

Pardon me for butting in but, it just seemed like light hearted humor to me.

you're not butting in, Thanks for saying what you feel carguy, However,
Humor has it's place and time, Ballplayer is looking for constructive advice in this thread, not humor.

thanks,

Sweetpea

The Ballplayer · 06-02-2005, 02:59 PM

Just like to say thanks to everyone, hopefully we will get this worked out and she will be orgasming with the best of em.

Stare At The Sun · 06-02-2005, 03:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Locobot

Never ORGASUMED!!! OMG! WTF?

I might have taken this comment the wrong way, however, I took it as "So what?" I think what he's trying to say that you should just let things go, and develop naturally through trust, instead of trying to force things upon her, and make her get off, instead of just letting it happen.

Time heals all wounds, and I think with time, and the more trust the two of you have, it will work out. Self-exploration, and seeking professional help are also quite good ideas. I still think her totally trusting you, and allowing herself to be open is the number one thing. If she feels at all closed off, it will simply cause more harm than good.

Locobot · 06-02-2005, 06:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stare At The Sun

I might have taken this comment the wrong way, however, I took it as "So what?" I think what he's trying to say that you should just let things go, and develop naturally through trust, instead of trying to force things upon her, and make her get off, instead of just letting it happen.

Time heals all wounds, and I think with time, and the more trust the two of you have, it will work out. Self-exploration, and seeking professional help are also quite good ideas. I still think her totally trusting you, and allowing herself to be open is the number one thing. If she feels at all closed off, it will simply cause more harm than good.

Yeah pressuring this girl to produce "orgasums" is really more of a tertiary concern for Mr Ballplayer behind getting his friend some "counsoling" and himself an education.

Ustwo · 06-02-2005, 06:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Locobot

Yeah pressuring this girl to produce "orgasums" is really more of a tertiary concern for Mr Ballplayer behind getting his friend some "counsoling" and himself an education.

Wow.....

abaya · 06-02-2005, 07:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Locobot

Yeah pressuring this girl to produce "orgasums" is really more of a tertiary concern for Mr Ballplayer behind getting his friend some "counsoling" and himself an education.

Dude, where are the Mods on this one...

The Ballplayer · 06-02-2005, 07:42 PM

You know pardon me for not being able to spell orgasm. The real issue here I thought was helping my GF but I guess I was wrong. This place seemed like a good start and I didn’t think I would be berated here for a simple misspelling.

Also I don’t want people to think I am trying to pressure her into orgasming. I just want her to have a healthy sexual life and I don’t think it is healthy if she really hasn’t ever had an orgasm. Remember…just trying to help.

Sweetpea · 06-02-2005, 08:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Ballplayer

You know pardon me for not being able to spell orgasm. The real issue here I thought was helping my GF but I guess I was wrong. This place seemed like a good start and I didn’t think I would be berated here for a simple misspelling.

Also I don’t want people to think I am trying to pressure her into orgasming. I just want her to have a healthy sexual life and I don’t think it is healthy if she really hasn’t ever had an orgasm. Remember…just trying to help.

I understand that you are trying to reach out for your girlfriend, not pressure her and those that have suggested that are obviously misguided . . .

i applaud you for reaching out to your girlfriend, you're obviously a great friend and a great boyfriend to her.

As i noted, i was in a similar situation to your girlfriend, I was 21 years old and had never experienced an orgasm . . . It took my then fiancée encouraging me to masturbate and get a vibrator for me to help me through my repression . . . sometimes people need a supportive person to get to that higher place sexually and i think you're being that support for your girlfriend.

Good luck and please keep posting with us.

Sweetpea

Sweetpea · 06-02-2005, 08:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Locobot

Yeah pressuring this girl to produce "orgasums" is really more of a tertiary concern for Mr Ballplayer behind getting his friend some "counsoling" and himself an education.

I respect that you wish to share your opinion, but i believe you are out of line on saying this.In addition, Ballplayer is new to TFP, i should hope that you would show him a little courtesy and help him to feel welcomed, not attacked, I'm not sure if you intended it, but your tone is somewhat agressive.
I have spoken privately with Ballplayer and have not gotten this perspective of him at all. he seems to have genuine concern for his girlfriend's sexually well-being.
thanks,

Sweetpea

World's King · 06-02-2005, 10:35 PM

I love how everyone jumped down locobot's throat and I'm the one that said I would take care of it for him.

KinkyKiwi · 06-03-2005, 08:51 AM

get her some help...and some toys.

also lol..i noticed that too..

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Original King

I love how everyone jumped down locobot's throat and I'm the one that said I would take care of it for him.

seriously i think he was just trying to be funny...and sorry ballplayer..i know he wasnt but like this really is a great place i promise

Locobot · 06-03-2005, 11:43 PM

I don't think anything I've written here is nearly as offensive as the initial thread starter. If this were actually a problem for Mr. Ballplayer's GF then she should be the one asking for advice. But no, we know his GF thinks he's "doing a good job" in bed. I shouldn't get the impression, as I do here, that her having orgasms is more important to him than to her. So Mr. Ballplayer is either bragging or simply exposing his own insecurities. If the latter is the case then as a 21 year old he should know that it is perfectly normal for 21 year old women to not have orgasms during sex! I understood this when I was much younger than Mr. Ballplayer claims to be, which brings us back to his education which seems sorely lacking. Sometimes the truth hurts, sometimes the truth is supposed to hurt.

Irishsean · 06-04-2005, 12:08 AM

I can't believe this thread! I am seriously dissapointed in the reception this guy who is asking for help has gotten. Some of the comments in here have been tongue in cheek, but damn some of them have been harsh. Ballplayer, don't take this as a representation of what we are and what we act like around here. We are a family and do try and help out each other. Apparently the pre-school attitude of one member has surfaced, and I apologize for that.

As for the topic of this thread, yeah, get help. There are some things that can be taken care of with time, love, patience, and communication, but some things require professional help. Getting past the emotional trauma of a rape is one of the hardest parts, and a good counselor should be able to help with that. Most schools, employers, or even churches if you don't have an aversion to them will offer quality free counseling which could help her out in this situation. What she will need from you is what it sounds like your giving her, love and an attempt to understand and help. I hope this helps, and please let us know how you are doing. We do care about each other here.

Locobot · 06-04-2005, 12:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Irishsean

I can't believe this thread! I am seriously dissapointed in the reception this guy who is asking for help has gotten. Some of the comments in here have been tongue in cheek, but damn some of them have been harsh. Ballplayer, don't take this as a representation of what we are and what we act like around here. We are a family and do try and help out each other. Apparently the pre-school attitude of one member has surfaced, and I apologize for that.

says the man with the "Hey. You suck. Die!" avatar

~edit~
who has since changed his avatar in response

Sweetpea · 06-04-2005, 12:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Irishsean

I can't believe this thread! I am seriously dissapointed in the reception this guy who is asking for help has gotten. Some of the comments in here have been tongue in cheek, but damn some of them have been harsh. Ballplayer, don't take this as a representation of what we are and what we act like around here. We are a family and do try and help out each other.

As for the topic of this thread, yeah, get help. There are some things that can be taken care of with time, love, patience, and communication, but some things require professional help. Getting past the emotional trauma of a rape is one of the hardest parts, and a good counselor should be able to help with that. Most schools, employers, or even churches if you don't have an aversion to them will offer quality free counseling which could help her out in this situation. What she will need from you is what it sounds like your giving her, love and an attempt to understand and help. I hope this helps, and please let us know how you are doing. We do care about each other here.

here here on this

Well stated Irishsean

Let us know how everything is progressing Ballplayer . . .

to anyone who thinks Ballplayer is getting his GF help just for himself you're wrong and your not listening to the women in this thread ....
As i have noted IN THIS THREAD . . . i didn't have any orgasms and i really wanted to, i felt sad about it, but i didn't know where to start, i was really repressed, it took the encouragment from someone i loved and trusted, my then fiancee, to help me through it and now i have a happy, healthy sex life . . . i think Ballplayer is being that support for your girlfriend and i applaud him

Sweetpea

SecretMethod70 · 06-04-2005, 12:28 AM

MOD NOTE: Please, be respectful of your fellow TFP members. People misspell things...get over it. If it bothers you that much, politely correct the misspelling, but it has nothing to do with the question he asked. As for the question, I don't see any "bragging" in it at all...God forbid someone be interested in the well-being of their significant other. Any further rude comments will result in an official warning or 24 hour ban. And before anyone tries to pull the "OK did it!" card, he made a simple joke, not a comment flaming the thread starter, and he did so after providing actual advice on top of it. So, that's the end of this. Case closed. If you have a problem with it, take it up to me in PM, NOT in this thread.

As for the actual topic, it is not unusual for a 21 year old female to have never had an orgasm. I'm not positive on the numbers, but as far as I remember, only about 40% of females are capable of having a vaginal orgasm. However, I would be surprised if her rape experience isn't connected to this at all. She needs to get counseling regarding that. Even if it doesn't cause her to have an orgasm (vaginal or clitoral), it will help her in many other ways.

ErcDaMerc · 06-12-2005, 06:13 PM

I dont know anything about the psyche part but...

my girlfriend couldn't cum for a while and here's what worked:
-i fingered her - just light, fast clit stimulation (start slow) - finger in once and while to keep it wet - she started shaking and couldn't control herself - after that she would cum during intercourse too
--good luck

sonuva72 · 06-14-2005, 07:48 PM

The upbringing definitely plays a big role... My girlfriend was raised as a strict catholic, and had never even thought about masturbating (or having sex) until her early 20s. You have to go very slowly to raise her comfort level over a period of time.

SecretMethod70 · 06-15-2005, 12:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sonuva72

The upbringing definitely plays a big role... My girlfriend was raised as a strict catholic, and had never even thought about masturbating (or having sex) until her early 20s. You have to go very slowly to raise her comfort level over a period of time.

It can play a role, but I wouldn't count on it as a primary source most of the time. Onodrim, for example, was raised in a strictly conservative Lutheran household and she's a sexual fiend

06-01-2005, 01:06 PM	#1 (permalink)
The Ballplayer Upright	My Girlfriend has never orgasumed. Well i guess the topic pretty much sums up my delima. I suppose most guys wouldnt care as long as they get theirs but i am really feeling down about it and that she should be getting hers too. I have talked to her about it and she says that she has never had an orgasum. Not one her whole life and she thinks it stems from when she was raped about 2 or 3 years ago. Shes 21 now and im 20 and we've been going out for about a year now. Im not an expert on rape counsoling and i dont know really what to say to her or how to help her except to tell her to go to a sex therepists or one that spicificly deals in rape. I just wish i could help her let go because she tells me i am doing a good job and that she is enjoying it but for some reason cant come. I have tried going down on her but she wont let me, she just doesnt feel comfortable with it. Any further advice? __________________ Funky cold madena!

06-01-2005, 01:08 PM	#2 (permalink)
sailor beauty in the breakdown Location: Chapel Hill, NC	Yeah, counseling. Come on, she was raped, I think thats a little much for someone untrained to handle. Beyond that, just be there for her. I'd tell you not to concentrate on her orgasming, it makes her feel like she has to perform, which surely isnt gonna help. __________________ "Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws." --Plato

06-01-2005, 02:38 PM	#3 (permalink)
diddagirl Addict Location: Calgary, AB	It can be difficult for girls to orgasm even in the best of circumstances...with the rape I imagine it being even harder. Be patient with her and encourage her to talk to someone. __________________ "Is it so small a thing to have enjoyed the sun, to have lived long in the spring, to have loved, to have thought, to have done." -Matthew Arnold

06-01-2005, 02:41 PM	#4 (permalink)
World's King Here Location: Denver City Denver	The answer is right in front of you. Get her help. It's not your job to "fix" her. And If all I else fails... I can take care of it for you. __________________ heavy is the head that wears the crown

06-01-2005, 03:48 PM	#6 (permalink)
Sweetpea Fade out Location: in love	i think it's great you're reaching out to someone you love. some have noted it's "not your job to fix someone" . . . and it's not . . . but it is a responsibility we have to those we love to extend a helping hand when we know they need one, so i respect and applaud you for reaching out to help her. Rape is a difficult thing and can affect someone profoundly their whole lives, especially if they don't seek counseling, i would encourage her to do so or to talk about it with someone she trusts. here's a couple resources: I'm not sure which state you are in.. http://www.rainn.org/centers/index.html and here's some general info. for you (and her) http://troubledwith.com/Web/groups/p...pic_008402.cfm As a further note, it might not be the rape affecting her at all... I never orgasmed until i was 21 years old . . . and it was just as simple as i was very repressed and from a repressed sexual background, i got a vibrator, i had never masturbated and i basically had to learn how to do it much later than most women do . . . and been cumming everyday since Does she have a vibrator? does she masturbate? Was is her religious background? Would you classify her as repressed in any way? Thanks, Sweetpea __________________ Having a Pet Will Change Your Life! Looking for a great pet?! Click Here! "I am the Type of Person Who Can Get Away With A lot, Simply Because I Don't Ask Permission for the Privilege of Being Myself" Last edited by sweetpea; 06-01-2005 at 03:51 PM..

06-01-2005, 03:14 PM	#5 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	The rape is a complicating factor, but if she never had an orgasm by the age of 18, it's not the source of the issue. Not that I think you should go after it with her--if the rape is still a major issue for her (and I'd be stunned if it wasn't), then anything she does around sex will have that lurking under the surface. Get her some councelling. Is she in school? Most schools have people for their students to talk to.

06-01-2005, 06:05 PM	#7 (permalink)
ontheroad Upright Location: wherever i feel alive	ddddddddddddddddd __________________ under the spreading chestnut tree, i sold you and you sold me Last edited by ontheroad; 12-13-2006 at 07:54 PM..

06-01-2005, 06:13 PM	#8 (permalink)
Aladdin Sane Degenerate Location: San Marvelous	She needs to see a therapist. She needs to start masturbating. You need avoid putting pressure on her. __________________ Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.

06-01-2005, 06:25 PM	#9 (permalink)
ktspktsp Addict Location: Reykjavik, Iceland	First of all, as everyone said, she should definitely seek some counseling for her rape. Another thing: many (most?) women do not come from penetration alone, but require clitoral stimulation. And the best way for you to do that is by going down on her - but she has to be comfortable with that first, which is still not the case. All you can do is be helpful and patient, and NOT pressure her. Good luck man.

06-01-2005, 09:52 PM	#10 (permalink)
Locobot is awesome!	Never ORGASUMED!!! OMG! WTF?

06-02-2005, 06:14 AM	#12 (permalink)
portereight Crazy	Therapy aside (and without a doubt she should consider talking to someone) Women are complicated sexual creatures who come without manuals or instructions. What works for one may not work for another. If it's an orgasm she wants, it's masturbation she must endure. Only by finding out through trial and error on her own will she find what works for her. If it is an owners manual you seek try http://www.comeasyouare.com/index.cf...ksBaking_Women ... and having a supportive patient understanding partner couldn't hurt either I suppose.

06-02-2005, 02:59 PM	#15 (permalink)
The Ballplayer Upright	Just like to say thanks to everyone, hopefully we will get this worked out and she will be orgasming with the best of em. __________________ Funky cold madena!

06-02-2005, 07:42 PM	#20 (permalink)
The Ballplayer Upright	You know pardon me for not being able to spell orgasm. The real issue here I thought was helping my GF but I guess I was wrong. This place seemed like a good start and I didn’t think I would be berated here for a simple misspelling. Also I don’t want people to think I am trying to pressure her into orgasming. I just want her to have a healthy sexual life and I don’t think it is healthy if she really hasn’t ever had an orgasm. Remember…just trying to help. __________________ Funky cold madena!

06-02-2005, 10:35 PM	#23 (permalink)
World's King Here Location: Denver City Denver	I love how everyone jumped down locobot's throat and I'm the one that said I would take care of it for him. __________________ heavy is the head that wears the crown

06-03-2005, 11:43 PM	#25 (permalink)
Locobot is awesome!	I don't think anything I've written here is nearly as offensive as the initial thread starter. If this were actually a problem for Mr. Ballplayer's GF then she should be the one asking for advice. But no, we know his GF thinks he's "doing a good job" in bed. I shouldn't get the impression, as I do here, that her having orgasms is more important to him than to her. So Mr. Ballplayer is either bragging or simply exposing his own insecurities. If the latter is the case then as a 21 year old he should know that it is perfectly normal for 21 year old women to not have orgasms during sex! I understood this when I was much younger than Mr. Ballplayer claims to be, which brings us back to his education which seems sorely lacking. Sometimes the truth hurts, sometimes the truth is supposed to hurt.

06-04-2005, 12:08 AM	#26 (permalink)
Irishsean edited for content Location: Austin, TX	I can't believe this thread! I am seriously dissapointed in the reception this guy who is asking for help has gotten. Some of the comments in here have been tongue in cheek, but damn some of them have been harsh. Ballplayer, don't take this as a representation of what we are and what we act like around here. We are a family and do try and help out each other. Apparently the pre-school attitude of one member has surfaced, and I apologize for that. As for the topic of this thread, yeah, get help. There are some things that can be taken care of with time, love, patience, and communication, but some things require professional help. Getting past the emotional trauma of a rape is one of the hardest parts, and a good counselor should be able to help with that. Most schools, employers, or even churches if you don't have an aversion to them will offer quality free counseling which could help her out in this situation. What she will need from you is what it sounds like your giving her, love and an attempt to understand and help. I hope this helps, and please let us know how you are doing. We do care about each other here. __________________ There are no absolute rules of conduct, either in peace or war. Everything depends on circumstances. Leon Trotsky

06-04-2005, 12:28 AM	#29 (permalink)
SecretMethod70 Human Administrator Location: Chicago	MOD NOTE: Please, be respectful of your fellow TFP members. People misspell things...get over it. If it bothers you that much, politely correct the misspelling, but it has nothing to do with the question he asked. As for the question, I don't see any "bragging" in it at all...God forbid someone be interested in the well-being of their significant other. Any further rude comments will result in an official warning or 24 hour ban. And before anyone tries to pull the "OK did it!" card, he made a simple joke, not a comment flaming the thread starter, and he did so after providing actual advice on top of it. So, that's the end of this. Case closed. If you have a problem with it, take it up to me in PM, NOT in this thread. As for the actual topic, it is not unusual for a 21 year old female to have never had an orgasm. I'm not positive on the numbers, but as far as I remember, only about 40% of females are capable of having a vaginal orgasm. However, I would be surprised if her rape experience isn't connected to this at all. She needs to get counseling regarding that. Even if it doesn't cause her to have an orgasm (vaginal or clitoral), it will help her in many other ways. __________________ Le temps détruit tout "Musicians are the carriers and communicators of spirit in the most immediate sense." - Kurt Elling

06-12-2005, 06:13 PM	#30 (permalink)
ErcDaMerc Upright Location: michigan	I dont know anything about the psyche part but... my girlfriend couldn't cum for a while and here's what worked: -i fingered her - just light, fast clit stimulation (start slow) - finger in once and while to keep it wet - she started shaking and couldn't control herself - after that she would cum during intercourse too --good luck

06-14-2005, 07:48 PM	#31 (permalink)
sonuva72 Upright	The upbringing definitely plays a big role... My girlfriend was raised as a strict catholic, and had never even thought about masturbating (or having sex) until her early 20s. You have to go very slowly to raise her comfort level over a period of time.