in a relationship - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

hobo · 05-01-2005, 01:17 PM

Is it okay to find other people attractive, as long as you don't do anything about it? Sometimes my SO mentions that some guy is, or was, hot or something. I guess it is okay since she's not doing stuff with them, but it sure doesn't make me feel any better about myself. And I've seen her eye other guys before. We've been together 6 months, and I know she hasn't done anything with other guys because we're really close, and she is a really honest person, but I still sometimes worry about it. I guess I'm not that confident in my ability to keep her.

Aladdin Sane · 05-01-2005, 01:23 PM

How does she respond if you talk about some hot girl? Maybe you should talk about some girl and how sexy her tits are. See how your girl responds. If she doesn't like it, that would be an opportunity to talk to her about her behavior. If you both decide it is okay to comment about others, then it's okay.

How old are you and your girl?

cowudders14 · 05-01-2005, 01:25 PM

If it helps, I've now been married to my wonderful lady for nearly 2 years, and we make it a fun thing to point out attractive people to each other - "What do you think of him then?" "Oh, she's nice!". I get playfully hit each time I do it, and we now say if I go through a day without being hit, there is something wrong! I'm always pointing out nice ladies to my wife - quite honestly, and she points out nice blokes to me.

Seriously, it's actually a part of our relationship - it's an affirmation that we are still human and still find others attractive, but would never act on it. It's fun to joke about - we are both really happy with it.

When you look at it from a biological perspective (the fact that my wife is a biologist may help), it's only natural - we are looking for the best mate that we can - it's instinct. The good thing is when you can accept is happens and even make it a fun part of the relationship - talking about it means you are happy with the feelings and happy with your SO, as you have nothing to hide.

HTH

RelaX · 05-01-2005, 01:29 PM

She's still human isn't she?
You don't see girls and go "Damn... she looks good"? Sure there are times when you're so infatuated that a model could stand naked in front of you, begging you to take her and you would just push her aside to get to your girl, but eventually people get off their clouds.

In short, it's perfectly normal, although I can understand how, if you're not well aware that she LOVES you and that love is not limited to physical attraction, you would feel insecure about it.

Stop feeling like you don't deserve her... it's one of the greatest wrongs you could ever do to her, you're devaluing something that she holds very dear... namely yourself.
And I've seen stuff like that become self fulfilling prophesies.

Show a little more faith in her convictions... you're a great guy.

Disclaimer: I hope this is making sense... I haven't had much sleep lately. The summary is:
yes.

f6twister · 05-01-2005, 02:14 PM

Both my wife and I talk about other people and comment on them. We are secure enough in our relationship to know that even if we see other people as attractive, that doesn't mean we are going to jump ship and start a new relationship. We all judge beauty by our own standards with almost everyone we see.

The best thing for you to do is talk to her about it. If the comments bother you, they don't have any place in the relationship. Just let her know that it makes you uncomfortable and ask her to stop commenting when you are around.

Lead543 · 05-01-2005, 02:40 PM

As long as she still tells you you're attractive, sexy, sassy, whatever, I think it's fine. Personally, since I met streak_56 I don't really find anyone to be particularly handsome or attractive. Everyone else just pales in comparason to him. But since it bothers you maybe you should just say something next time she makes a comment. If she cares she'll take your feelings into consideration and keep comments about other's attractiveness to herself.

cellophanedeity · 05-01-2005, 02:42 PM

Here's the thing...

she's just looking at the other guys, but she's with you! We all look at other people, even when we're in a monogamous relationship. I'd think that even you do this, based upon your avatar

If you're really worried about being able to keep her, you need to ask yourself if her looking at others is the only catalyst. If it is, then don't worry! If it's not, then talk to her about it. I don't think it can be said enough: communication is key.

Carno · 05-01-2005, 03:14 PM

Dude, don't beat yourself by thinking you're not good enough for you or she won't stay with you.. You'll just become really jealous and you will push her away.

If it really bothers you how she looks at other guys, talk to her and tell her how you feel.

maleficent · 05-01-2005, 05:42 PM

When you stop looking, you might as well be dead...

All she's doing is looking... Nothing wrong with that... It's harmless... A pretty girl has never caught your eye and you noticed?

Looking is good, leering and tripping over your drooling tongue is not so good... If it's just an admiring glance, then well, enjoy it because she's going home with you...

streak_56 · 05-01-2005, 06:17 PM

I haven't looked at other girls since I've started dating my girlfriend. Everyone is a friend nowadays. I focus on my girlfriend but other than that, theres only one woman I like other than her..... and well... Catherine Zeta-Jones is good looking, but I love my girlfriend and she is the most beautiful girl I know. So nothing and no one compares to her.

Meditrina · 05-01-2005, 06:25 PM

I think it is only human to find other people attractive. maybe it is the way she is saying it that is bothering you? I agree with the others, she goes home with you, try not to worry. If it continues to bother you, I would talk to her.

anti fishstick · 05-01-2005, 07:09 PM

I've been in a relationship for a year and a half and whenever I see another attractive guy, it just reminds me of how lucky I am to be with my boyfriend. It's the same for him. Attractive guys hardly turn my head or cross my mind now. It should be a pretty healthy, normal part of relationships to look though.. You might find sharing to each other and the honesty of that happening every once in awhile to be assuring. If you have to keep it a secret, then I'd worry.

cowudders14 · 05-02-2005, 04:29 AM

Another thought for you: When my wife points out nice looking blokes to me, I look a them and smile, and think "My wife thinks you are nice, but still chooses me. Therefore, I am better than you". A bit egotistical perhaps, but it feels good anyway!!

doncalypso · 05-02-2005, 05:37 AM

I never used to look at other women when I first got with my girlfriend.... However, somewhere around a year (or a bit less) into the relationship she let herself go. I don't so mind the weight gain as the fact that she lost the sexy silhouette that initially caught my attention.

Don't get me wrong... I don't love her any less for not being as physically attractive as when we first met, but now I really find myself looking at other women's physique and often lusting after them. Fortunately, I know what I ought and ought not to do, so I will not cheat and I avoid situations where I could end up tempted to cheat.

ratbastid · 05-02-2005, 07:11 AM

Is it okay to find other people attractive!? Just try stopping it!

Acetylene · 05-02-2005, 07:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RelaX

And I've seen stuff like that become self fulfilling prophesies.

No kidding! My ex was totally posessive all the time and very insecure. I kept telling him I'd never run off with someone else, but he made everything so unpleasant that eventually I had no choice. I felt like a bitch for leaving when I'd sworn I never would, but like RelaX said, the fact that you are worried about it can cause it to happen, if it makes you be an uptight jerk

Biscuit Buns · 05-02-2005, 09:37 AM

RelaX and Acetylene have such an excellent point. Been there, done that with my latest ex. Talk about feeling like an emotional punching bag.

We probably don't know all the details, but just from what you said, I, personally, don't think you need to be getting worked up about it (then again, I'm obviously not you in your scenario). She will look and I think it's safe to assume you will, too. If it's just the commenting that you are uncomfortable with, communicate that to her. You need to know where she stands and she needs to know where you stand. If the whole thing makes you uncomfortable, you still need to talk to her about it.

aberkok · 05-02-2005, 09:48 AM

I think it would be important for you to say something like "I respect and even encourage you finding other people attractive, but hearing it makes me feel insecure." Or something like that. Make her understand you're not trying to change her thinking, but that hearing her comment on other guys makes you uncomfortable.

Keep in mind that she is with you for a reason, though.

KinkyKiwi · 05-02-2005, 11:22 AM

i love biznatch..i think hes the most handsome amazing guy on earth..i would never cheat on him..but i still check out other guys. its natural, he checks out other girls...i point people out to him! as long as no touching happens then were totally cool. try to be more confident in yourself..she cares about you. the other guys are just nice pretty things to look at..like a nice vase..or flowers.

Skelington · 05-02-2005, 03:22 PM

well, i don't have much to say, but when i would talk to my parents about it, my mom told me that if she sees a good looking girl and my father doesn't look at her, then she has to check his pulse. my mom will point out women to my dad, and my dad will point out men to my mom, it is quite funny to watch actually....

JamesB · 05-02-2005, 05:16 PM

I'd like to ask why you feel that it might not be "ok" if you find other people attractive.

Cimarron29414 · 05-02-2005, 07:37 PM

1) Doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home.
2) If you drive a Ferrari and a Lamborghini drives by, you are still going to admire it. It's a Lamborghini, for Christ's sake! It doesn't mean you are going to the Lamborghini dealership with a trade-in, though!
3) The blind don't look, but they do hear, smell, touch, and taste...which sense would you prefer?

asiansrock · 05-02-2005, 09:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cowudders14

we make it a fun thing to point out attractive people to each other - "What do you think of him then?" "Oh, she's nice!". I get playfully hit each time I do it, and we now say if I go through a day without being hit, there is something wrong! I'm always pointing out nice ladies to my wife - quite honestly, and she points out nice blokes to me.

Seriously, it's actually a part of our relationship - it's an affirmation that we are still human and still find others attractive, but would never act on it. It's fun to joke about - we are both really happy with it.

I'm with you 100% Cowudders. My girlfriend and I (especially me) enjoy admiring members of the opposite sex and pointing out what we really like. I am always point out other girls with really nice butts to her or any trait at all I like in general. We try to make a game out of it. Sometimes I will ask her to try to pick out what woman (other than her) I find most attractive. Sometimes she gets it, sometimes she doesn't, regardless it is fun and harmless.

I think aside from the specific desire people have to be with a single ideal mate (typically) we all have a generic internal desire for the opposite sex. This is how I can look at other women clothed or not enjoy it but not feel like I am cheating on my girlfriend, and have her believe I am not cheating on her. She does the same but with men and neither of us feel threatened. Most importantly is just to let eachother know that you they are still your favorite, even better than that redhead over there with the cute butt and the perky smile.

In fact I have actually encouraged her to point out to me men that she finds attractive and to enjoy looking at the male body, not just mine. We were all made beautiful and I think it would be a shame if I was the only one she ever appreciated, openly or in secret. I personally am glad it is in the open because that is the way it should be, in my opinion. It is all about the love and if you have it you are much more free to express your sexuality in a healthy way and enjoy life with your partner. Enjoy life, have fun, stay faithful, it makes things wonderful.

Martian · 05-02-2005, 10:21 PM

It's like everyone else said, looking is fine, as long as you don't touch.

I have a tendency to be a bit overprotective (read: jealous) but I also trust my girl and know she's not the type to go behind my back in any way. It's natural to look and it's hard not to doubt yourself a bit when she's looking at other people, but the bottom line is she's still with you. I think that says more about her tastes than any comments she makes and I even go so far as to take it as a compliment that she tells me. It's sort of like cowudders14 said; she may be looking at other guys, but you're the one she chose, which means that you have something they don't.

chickentribs · 05-02-2005, 10:42 PM

If you are afraid to point out and discuss other people as attractive or desirable it would seem that your jealousy is hampering the friendship part of your relationship. In turn, you only know part of who your SO is and are missing out on a honest, fun part of your partner that should not be threatening.

cowudders14 · 05-03-2005, 11:22 AM

asiansrock - Thank you, and I agree also with everything you have said - I think you said it better than I did actually.

It's interesting that you have mentioned the looking "at other women clothed or not" - My wife and I look at the 'daily boobs' on domai every day, and compare notes! It's great to be able to look and talk about it, and you learn a lot more about how the mind of your SO works.

asiansrock · 05-03-2005, 08:35 PM

Cowudders - Thanks for the compliment, I was just speaking my mind

That kind of thing is fun, we enjoy viewing and appreciating the bodies of both sexes. She looks at women and men and so do I. We both feel pretty confident in our heterosexual orientation and simply like to enjoy that which is the beauty of the human body. It is great to be able to look and talk about it. I enjoy learning all sorts of new things about my SO, including what physical traits she likes (She's a little biased towards me, but definately finds me very attractive, of course).

hobo · 05-04-2005, 12:22 AM

thanks for the input. i know she isn't planning on leaving me any time soon, we're really close and committed. its just, sometimes i worry, because i personally think she's really attractive, and that i'm not at the same level, so i worry that someday other guys might try to get between us. but i guess it doesn't bother me THAT much, i'm getting used to it, and i know its only natural. i generally don't mention other girls, because i find it awkward.

JustJess · 05-04-2005, 03:27 AM

asiansrock - My husband and I are the same way. Half the time, I'm pointing out the amazing set walking by before he's had a chance to notice himself!
Hobo - don't worry. But do tell her. aberkok had a good idea - as long as you are validating her feelings and not attempting to control her, but rather pointing out that certain actions make you feel insecure, you'll be okay. and hopefully, you'll eventually not feel this insecure. Hey, it has been only 6 months! I was pretty insecure back then, too. Things change as the relationship grows.
You'll be just fine.

asiansrock · 05-04-2005, 08:54 PM

Hobo - Just Jess is right, it's just a little bit of time yet, things will keep getting better as long as you keep open the lines of communication!

Also I sort of feel the same way, I think objectively my SO is a more attractive female than I am a male but to her apparently she does not feel that way. It has taken me some time to get used to that but I feel totally secure now

Just give it time, keep talking, and do not try to control her, as JustJess said, but if she cannot respect your feelings also by talkign to you about it and trying to help you, there might be some problems. This however does not justify you if you were to try to control her or be mean because she finds other men attractive. Work towards a favorable balance in which the two of you can express how you feel to eachothother without making anyone uncomfortable.

aberkok · 05-04-2005, 09:07 PM

Don't forget: it's alright to look at the menu as long as you don't order anything!

hobo · 05-05-2005, 11:54 PM

i haven't told her it bothers me, but i get that its something she probably doesn't do on purpose, and that it probably doesn't mean anything. so i'll probably bring it up in passing, but not make a big deal about it. thanks.

Gilda · 05-06-2005, 01:24 PM

Nothing wrong with looking. Grace will point out hot looking women for me to ogle and I'll do the same for her. As long as I end up in bed with her at the end of the night, she doesn't care who I find attractive, or what comments I make about her.

uptown · 05-06-2005, 04:53 PM

My SO used to constantly make comments about other women,those he saw on TV and those he saw in real life.

I understand it's natural to look but frankly I can live without hearing about it.

jhkayakr · 05-06-2005, 05:00 PM

My wife points out beautiful women to me all the time, and would think it odd if I didn't notice.

05-01-2005, 01:17 PM	#1 (permalink)
hobo Archangel of Change	in a relationship Is it okay to find other people attractive, as long as you don't do anything about it? Sometimes my SO mentions that some guy is, or was, hot or something. I guess it is okay since she's not doing stuff with them, but it sure doesn't make me feel any better about myself. And I've seen her eye other guys before. We've been together 6 months, and I know she hasn't done anything with other guys because we're really close, and she is a really honest person, but I still sometimes worry about it. I guess I'm not that confident in my ability to keep her.

05-01-2005, 01:23 PM	#2 (permalink)
Aladdin Sane Degenerate Location: San Marvelous	How does she respond if you talk about some hot girl? Maybe you should talk about some girl and how sexy her tits are. See how your girl responds. If she doesn't like it, that would be an opportunity to talk to her about her behavior. If you both decide it is okay to comment about others, then it's okay. How old are you and your girl? __________________ Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.

05-01-2005, 01:25 PM	#3 (permalink)
cowudders14 Bringer of good Moos... Location: Midlands, UK	If it helps, I've now been married to my wonderful lady for nearly 2 years, and we make it a fun thing to point out attractive people to each other - "What do you think of him then?" "Oh, she's nice!". I get playfully hit each time I do it, and we now say if I go through a day without being hit, there is something wrong! I'm always pointing out nice ladies to my wife - quite honestly, and she points out nice blokes to me. Seriously, it's actually a part of our relationship - it's an affirmation that we are still human and still find others attractive, but would never act on it. It's fun to joke about - we are both really happy with it. When you look at it from a biological perspective (the fact that my wife is a biologist may help), it's only natural - we are looking for the best mate that we can - it's instinct. The good thing is when you can accept is happens and even make it a fun part of the relationship - talking about it means you are happy with the feelings and happy with your SO, as you have nothing to hide. HTH __________________ Moo! I'm mooey!

05-01-2005, 01:29 PM	#4 (permalink)
RelaX Follower of Ner'Zhul Location: Netherlands	She's still human isn't she? You don't see girls and go "Damn... she looks good"? Sure there are times when you're so infatuated that a model could stand naked in front of you, begging you to take her and you would just push her aside to get to your girl, but eventually people get off their clouds. In short, it's perfectly normal, although I can understand how, if you're not well aware that she LOVES you and that love is not limited to physical attraction, you would feel insecure about it. Stop feeling like you don't deserve her... it's one of the greatest wrongs you could ever do to her, you're devaluing something that she holds very dear... namely yourself. And I've seen stuff like that become self fulfilling prophesies. Show a little more faith in her convictions... you're a great guy. Disclaimer: I hope this is making sense... I haven't had much sleep lately. The summary is: yes. __________________ The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. - Nathaniel Borenstein

05-01-2005, 02:14 PM	#5 (permalink)
f6twister Addict	Both my wife and I talk about other people and comment on them. We are secure enough in our relationship to know that even if we see other people as attractive, that doesn't mean we are going to jump ship and start a new relationship. We all judge beauty by our own standards with almost everyone we see. The best thing for you to do is talk to her about it. If the comments bother you, they don't have any place in the relationship. Just let her know that it makes you uncomfortable and ask her to stop commenting when you are around. __________________ A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day. Calvin

05-01-2005, 02:40 PM	#6 (permalink)
Lead543 Registered User Location: Calgary	As long as she still tells you you're attractive, sexy, sassy, whatever, I think it's fine. Personally, since I met streak_56 I don't really find anyone to be particularly handsome or attractive. Everyone else just pales in comparason to him. But since it bothers you maybe you should just say something next time she makes a comment. If she cares she'll take your feelings into consideration and keep comments about other's attractiveness to herself.

05-01-2005, 02:42 PM	#7 (permalink)
cellophanedeity Heliotrope Location: A warm room	Here's the thing... she's just looking at the other guys, but she's with you! We all look at other people, even when we're in a monogamous relationship. I'd think that even you do this, based upon your avatar If you're really worried about being able to keep her, you need to ask yourself if her looking at others is the only catalyst. If it is, then don't worry! If it's not, then talk to her about it. I don't think it can be said enough: communication is key.

05-01-2005, 03:14 PM	#8 (permalink)
Carno Junkie	Dude, don't beat yourself by thinking you're not good enough for you or she won't stay with you.. You'll just become really jealous and you will push her away. If it really bothers you how she looks at other guys, talk to her and tell her how you feel.

05-01-2005, 05:42 PM	#9 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	When you stop looking, you might as well be dead... All she's doing is looking... Nothing wrong with that... It's harmless... A pretty girl has never caught your eye and you noticed? Looking is good, leering and tripping over your drooling tongue is not so good... If it's just an admiring glance, then well, enjoy it because she's going home with you... __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

05-01-2005, 06:17 PM	#10 (permalink)
streak_56 who ever said streaking was a bad thing? Location: Calgary	I haven't looked at other girls since I've started dating my girlfriend. Everyone is a friend nowadays. I focus on my girlfriend but other than that, theres only one woman I like other than her..... and well... Catherine Zeta-Jones is good looking, but I love my girlfriend and she is the most beautiful girl I know. So nothing and no one compares to her.

05-01-2005, 06:25 PM	#11 (permalink)
Meditrina Junkie Location: LI,NY	I think it is only human to find other people attractive. maybe it is the way she is saying it that is bothering you? I agree with the others, she goes home with you, try not to worry. If it continues to bother you, I would talk to her. __________________ "Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles." ~Alex Karras

05-01-2005, 07:09 PM	#12 (permalink)
anti fishstick Post-modernism meets Individualism AKA the Clash Location: oregon	I've been in a relationship for a year and a half and whenever I see another attractive guy, it just reminds me of how lucky I am to be with my boyfriend. It's the same for him. Attractive guys hardly turn my head or cross my mind now. It should be a pretty healthy, normal part of relationships to look though.. You might find sharing to each other and the honesty of that happening every once in awhile to be assuring. If you have to keep it a secret, then I'd worry. __________________ And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anais Nin

05-02-2005, 04:29 AM	#13 (permalink)
cowudders14 Bringer of good Moos... Location: Midlands, UK	Another thought for you: When my wife points out nice looking blokes to me, I look a them and smile, and think "My wife thinks you are nice, but still chooses me. Therefore, I am better than you". A bit egotistical perhaps, but it feels good anyway!! __________________ Moo! I'm mooey!

05-02-2005, 05:37 AM	#14 (permalink)
doncalypso TFP Mad Scientist Location: Philadelphia, PA	I never used to look at other women when I first got with my girlfriend.... However, somewhere around a year (or a bit less) into the relationship she let herself go. I don't so mind the weight gain as the fact that she lost the sexy silhouette that initially caught my attention. Don't get me wrong... I don't love her any less for not being as physically attractive as when we first met, but now I really find myself looking at other women's physique and often lusting after them. Fortunately, I know what I ought and ought not to do, so I will not cheat and I avoid situations where I could end up tempted to cheat. __________________ Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation

05-02-2005, 07:11 AM	#15 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	Is it okay to find other people attractive!? Just try stopping it!

05-02-2005, 09:37 AM	#17 (permalink)
Biscuit Buns Four of Wands Location: Somewhere entirely too hot.	RelaX and Acetylene have such an excellent point. Been there, done that with my latest ex. Talk about feeling like an emotional punching bag. We probably don't know all the details, but just from what you said, I, personally, don't think you need to be getting worked up about it (then again, I'm obviously not you in your scenario). She will look and I think it's safe to assume you will, too. If it's just the commenting that you are uncomfortable with, communicate that to her. You need to know where she stands and she needs to know where you stand. If the whole thing makes you uncomfortable, you still need to talk to her about it. __________________ A hard man is good to find. ~Mae West

05-02-2005, 09:48 AM	#18 (permalink)
aberkok “Wrong is right.” Location: toronto	I think it would be important for you to say something like "I respect and even encourage you finding other people attractive, but hearing it makes me feel insecure." Or something like that. Make her understand you're not trying to change her thinking, but that hearing her comment on other guys makes you uncomfortable. Keep in mind that she is with you for a reason, though. __________________ !check out my new blog! http://arkanamusic.wordpress.com Warden Gentiles: "It? Perfectly innocent. But I can see how, if our roles were reversed, I might have you beaten with a pillowcase full of batteries."

05-02-2005, 11:22 AM	#19 (permalink)
KinkyKiwi "Without the fuzz" Location: ..too close for comfort..	i love biznatch..i think hes the most handsome amazing guy on earth..i would never cheat on him..but i still check out other guys. its natural, he checks out other girls...i point people out to him! as long as no touching happens then were totally cool. try to be more confident in yourself..she cares about you. the other guys are just nice pretty things to look at..like a nice vase..or flowers. __________________ Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite.

05-02-2005, 03:22 PM	#20 (permalink)
Skelington Upright Location: Between May and August and i am in Mantua, Ohio. and between August and May, and i am in Rochester, New York	well, i don't have much to say, but when i would talk to my parents about it, my mom told me that if she sees a good looking girl and my father doesn't look at her, then she has to check his pulse. my mom will point out women to my dad, and my dad will point out men to my mom, it is quite funny to watch actually....

05-02-2005, 05:16 PM	#21 (permalink)
JamesB Insane Location: Ottawa	I'd like to ask why you feel that it might not be "ok" if you find other people attractive. __________________ -- apt-get install spare_time --

05-02-2005, 07:37 PM	#22 (permalink)
Cimarron29414 Still Free Location: comfortably perched at the top of the bell curve!	1) Doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home. 2) If you drive a Ferrari and a Lamborghini drives by, you are still going to admire it. It's a Lamborghini, for Christ's sake! It doesn't mean you are going to the Lamborghini dealership with a trade-in, though! 3) The blind don't look, but they do hear, smell, touch, and taste...which sense would you prefer? __________________ Gives a man a halo, does mead. "Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

05-02-2005, 10:21 PM	#24 (permalink)
Martian Young Crumudgeon Location: Canada	It's like everyone else said, looking is fine, as long as you don't touch. I have a tendency to be a bit overprotective (read: jealous) but I also trust my girl and know she's not the type to go behind my back in any way. It's natural to look and it's hard not to doubt yourself a bit when she's looking at other people, but the bottom line is she's still with you. I think that says more about her tastes than any comments she makes and I even go so far as to take it as a compliment that she tells me. It's sort of like cowudders14 said; she may be looking at other guys, but you're the one she chose, which means that you have something they don't.

05-02-2005, 10:42 PM	#25 (permalink)
chickentribs Addict Location: Mansion by day/Secret Lair by night	If you are afraid to point out and discuss other people as attractive or desirable it would seem that your jealousy is hampering the friendship part of your relationship. In turn, you only know part of who your SO is and are missing out on a honest, fun part of your partner that should not be threatening. __________________ Oft expectation fails... and most oft there Where most it promises - Shakespeare, W.

05-03-2005, 11:22 AM	#26 (permalink)
cowudders14 Bringer of good Moos... Location: Midlands, UK	asiansrock - Thank you, and I agree also with everything you have said - I think you said it better than I did actually. It's interesting that you have mentioned the looking "at other women clothed or not" - My wife and I look at the 'daily boobs' on domai every day, and compare notes! It's great to be able to look and talk about it, and you learn a lot more about how the mind of your SO works. __________________ Moo! I'm mooey!

05-03-2005, 08:35 PM	#27 (permalink)
asiansrock Insane Location: Intarweb!	Cowudders - Thanks for the compliment, I was just speaking my mind That kind of thing is fun, we enjoy viewing and appreciating the bodies of both sexes. She looks at women and men and so do I. We both feel pretty confident in our heterosexual orientation and simply like to enjoy that which is the beauty of the human body. It is great to be able to look and talk about it. I enjoy learning all sorts of new things about my SO, including what physical traits she likes (She's a little biased towards me, but definately finds me very attractive, of course).

05-04-2005, 12:22 AM	#28 (permalink)
hobo Archangel of Change	thanks for the input. i know she isn't planning on leaving me any time soon, we're really close and committed. its just, sometimes i worry, because i personally think she's really attractive, and that i'm not at the same level, so i worry that someday other guys might try to get between us. but i guess it doesn't bother me THAT much, i'm getting used to it, and i know its only natural. i generally don't mention other girls, because i find it awkward.

05-04-2005, 03:27 AM	#29 (permalink)
JustJess Unencapsulated Location: Kittyville	asiansrock - My husband and I are the same way. Half the time, I'm pointing out the amazing set walking by before he's had a chance to notice himself! Hobo - don't worry. But do tell her. aberkok had a good idea - as long as you are validating her feelings and not attempting to control her, but rather pointing out that certain actions make you feel insecure, you'll be okay. and hopefully, you'll eventually not feel this insecure. Hey, it has been only 6 months! I was pretty insecure back then, too. Things change as the relationship grows. You'll be just fine. __________________ My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

05-04-2005, 08:54 PM	#30 (permalink)
asiansrock Insane Location: Intarweb!	Hobo - Just Jess is right, it's just a little bit of time yet, things will keep getting better as long as you keep open the lines of communication! Also I sort of feel the same way, I think objectively my SO is a more attractive female than I am a male but to her apparently she does not feel that way. It has taken me some time to get used to that but I feel totally secure now Just give it time, keep talking, and do not try to control her, as JustJess said, but if she cannot respect your feelings also by talkign to you about it and trying to help you, there might be some problems. This however does not justify you if you were to try to control her or be mean because she finds other men attractive. Work towards a favorable balance in which the two of you can express how you feel to eachothother without making anyone uncomfortable.

05-04-2005, 09:07 PM	#31 (permalink)
aberkok “Wrong is right.” Location: toronto	Don't forget: it's alright to look at the menu as long as you don't order anything! __________________ !check out my new blog! http://arkanamusic.wordpress.com Warden Gentiles: "It? Perfectly innocent. But I can see how, if our roles were reversed, I might have you beaten with a pillowcase full of batteries."

05-05-2005, 11:54 PM	#32 (permalink)
hobo Archangel of Change	i haven't told her it bothers me, but i get that its something she probably doesn't do on purpose, and that it probably doesn't mean anything. so i'll probably bring it up in passing, but not make a big deal about it. thanks.

05-06-2005, 01:24 PM	#33 (permalink)
Gilda 32 flavors and then some Location: Out on a wire.	Nothing wrong with looking. Grace will point out hot looking women for me to ogle and I'll do the same for her. As long as I end up in bed with her at the end of the night, she doesn't care who I find attractive, or what comments I make about her. __________________ I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that. ~Steven Colbert

05-06-2005, 04:53 PM	#34 (permalink)
uptown Insane	My SO used to constantly make comments about other women,those he saw on TV and those he saw in real life. I understand it's natural to look but frankly I can live without hearing about it.

05-06-2005, 05:00 PM	#35 (permalink)
jhkayakr Insane Location: under the skirt	My wife points out beautiful women to me all the time, and would think it odd if I didn't notice. __________________ ........gotta need for speed....