i messed up and need advice

[Rudel73]

So my girlfriend told me something and said that i cant tell anybody...well it was about this guy that asked her out and he is one of my friends sorta we play football together...we were talkin and i like jokingly brought up like dude hittin on my girlfriend isnt cool....well anyways she found out i said something to him and she is sooo upset at me!! I've done one stupid thing like this before with her when she told me not to tell anyone anything and something slipped and i messed up! Now she cant trust me anymore i have NO IDEA what to do!!! She is so upset with me!!! She said it wasnt a big deal what was said it was that she told me not to say anything and i still did! PLEASE does anyone have any advice on how i can show her how much i care about her and how to show her that she can trust me again!??? I feel like the biggest dirtbag in the world!! any help pease!!

[tenchi069]

Yes you messed up. Apologize to your gf and tell her you never should have agreed not to tell anyone.

On the flip side, would your gf have told you about this if you didnt agree to not tell anyone? If she would not have then you have to ask yourself how much do you trust her.

Just points to think about.

[tecoyah]

Learn from the experience....and be honest with her....in the long run this is all anyone can expect.

[KinkyKiwi]

apologize to her..bring her flowers or something ....and dont expect her to share things anymore. at least for a long time.... when she does again..just dont do it again

[rainheart]

I gotta tell you man, I am very adept at subtly changing peoples opinions of me, and it's ridiculously easy to get someone to trust you again... you have to exhibit different behaviours that play to their intuition so they believe they sense a change in you.

To gain her trust first you have to wait a little, but hardly as long as you think. I would say within the period of a week or two, tops. Then you have to slowly start behaving more maturely, but genuinely more mature. If she is smart she will be able to tell whether you are putting on an act or being genuinely more mature, but if you do it right, this will make her believe you are more trustworthy. Then you have to start sharing some of your own secrets, pretty obvious method to try but it eludes some people. This lets her know you trust her. All the while you have to do this while making her believe that she is very much like you and her interests are the same as your interests, and thus you and her are alike, and if you're good at doing this she would think you two must've been great friends in a different lifetime.

There you have it. It's not honest or nice but it is expedient and the quickest solution to your problem. BE CAREFUL. Be. Fucking. Careful. Manipulation is powerful and although many people can manipulate others, few people can handle it's consequences, and if you break her trust again... then depending on how much of a fool she is to trust you again, eventually she will see you as a shifty, crafty motherfucker to be avoided. =)

p.s. subtlety is KEY... you set up the ideas and let her make the connections, she'll think she's realizing something about you while you are actually reprogramming her

good luck and dont fuck up







I'm just messing with you. You could try what I just said but I don't suggest it.. just tell her you're sorry.

[Cynthetiq]

Originally Posted by rainheart

I gotta tell you man, I am very adept at subtly changing peoples opinions of me, and it's ridiculously easy to get someone to trust you again... you have to exhibit different behaviours that play to their intuition so they believe they sense a change in you.

To gain her trust first you have to wait a little, but hardly as long as you think. I would say within the period of a week or two, tops. Then you have to slowly start behaving more maturely, but genuinely more mature. If she is smart she will be able to tell whether you are putting on an act or being genuinely more mature, but if you do it right, this will make her believe you are more trustworthy. Then you have to start sharing some of your own secrets, pretty obvious method to try but it eludes some people. This lets her know you trust her. All the while you have to do this while making her believe that she is very much like you and her interests are the same as your interests, and thus you and her are alike, and if you're good at doing this she would think you two must've been great friends in a different lifetime.

There you have it. It's not honest or nice but it is expedient and the quickest solution to your problem. BE CAREFUL. Be. Fucking. Careful. Manipulation is powerful and although many people can manipulate others, few people can handle it's consequences, and if you break her trust again... then depending on how much of a fool she is to trust you again, eventually she will see you as a shifty, crafty motherfucker to be avoided. =)

p.s. subtlety is KEY... you set up the ideas and let her make the connections, she'll think she's realizing something about you while you are actually reprogramming her

good luck and dont fuck up

I'm just messing with you. You could try what I just said but I don't suggest it.. just tell her you're sorry.

I don't buy it. Sincerity is part and parcel of this.

If you think your shit don't stink, you'll eventually find that it won't work against someone.

You broke trust, you're going to have to work through it period. If it cannot be gained again, the relationship is over.

[jhkayakr]

Why should she trust you again...You did it twice..Your lucky she didn't kick you to the curb....You have alot of ass to kiss.....One thing I make sure my wife understands is that she can confide in me anytime and I will not break her trust.

[slimsam1]

I don't see what the big deal is. Was he hitting on your girlfriend?

[jorgelito]

What your friend did was NOT cool and should own up to it instead of being mad at you or her. She should not be mad at you for sharing that and what's the big deal with telling people that anyways?

[absorbentishe]

Don't worry and get over it. She'll probably make a joke about it in due time. Do you plan on marrying this girl? If so, then you'll have to make it up to her, something small that she really wants. That'll do it!

[bparker805]

Hey Rudel,
I applaud you for hitting up your sorta friend. Friends dont do that shit to other friends. Make a stand and show your girl that you DO care about her and will not tolerate having people in your life that are going to hit on the person youre with.

BTW, its a little inconsiderate for your lady to tell you something like that and ask you to sit on it. "here honey, i have this ticking timebomb that i am going to put in your lap. But dont do anything about it and dont tell anyone about it."

[Lead543]

Although I don't really agree with your girlfriend getting upset over you "jokingly" telling your friend hitting on your girlfriend isn't cool she's still not too pleased. Bring her flowers, they're a girls best friend *cough*streak*cough* Just be careful about repeating things she's said to you in private. I think she's more upset over the concept of you telling a secret than the secret itself. If that makes any sense.

[Cross-Over]

Originally Posted by bparker805

Hey Rudel,
I applaud you for hitting up your sorta friend. Friends dont do that shit to other friends. Make a stand and show your girl that you DO care about her and will not tolerate having people in your life that are going to hit on the person youre with.

BTW, its a little inconsiderate for your lady to tell you something like that and ask you to sit on it. "here honey, i have this ticking timebomb that i am going to put in your lap. But dont do anything about it and dont tell anyone about it."

I completely agree with bparker805's comments. I realized that you are asking how you can regain her trust, but from the way you presented the situation, I think it is unfair of her to expect you not to have any reaction toward your sorta friend. If it is considered that what you did is 'breaking trust', lets propose a different situation. Lets imagine this happens again in the future (with say a different sorta friend), and she then decides not to tell you because of how you reacted in this current event. Is she in the wrong for not telling you, essentially keeping something from you that pertains to the relationship?

[Rudel73]

I've apoligized to her a million times, told her i was wrong, i am the one person she has always been able to trust and have completely messed up twice in the past week or so...told her if she can find it in her heart to trust me again in the future i would love her forever.....Anyways she called me at work and came in and visited me for a while and seemed ok for the time being...Tomorrow im spending most of the day with her im sure things will be back to normal in due time. Thanks for your advice guys, i'm goin to surprise her with flowers and a poem tomorrow she loves it when i do that!

And my the kid completely asked her out and stuff...and she wonders why i confronted him!?? I played football with the kid i thought we were friends but now im not sure im going to talk to him anymore, you just dont mess with other peoples girls man!!

I hope being man enough to admit i was wrong to her helps though, i love her more than life itself, she is the one person that makes me happy, and when she gets upset with me i get so depressed..........aghhh i hope things get better

[slimsam1]

Why weren't you man enough to stand up for yourself?

You say, "...and she wonders why i confronted him!??" yet you also apologize to her for what you did? I personally see nothing wrong with what you said to the guy, and I don't think it's healthy for you to let this girl dictate so much about how you act or what you say to others. Betrayal of trust? More like disobedience -- but an adult (grown kid?) shouldn't have to 'obey' someone else anyway.

By the way, if you grovel at her feet every time you make (what you see as...) a mistake, then I promise that eventually she will think you're too obsessed with her and get tired of it... and where does that leave you?

[ironmaiden7o7]

I don't understand, if this guy knows you and he's still hitting on her, asking her out and she tells you, I think you have all right to say something to him! I don't blame you atall for bringing it up, eventhough she told you not to say anything to anyone. What's the big deal anyway, why doesn't she want him to know that she told you? I don't understand. Try not to be so hard on yourself, you did something that any normal human being would do and you shouldn't be punished for it. In my eyes, you have done nothing wrong and shouldn't be feeling this way.

[Seeker]

I think the two of you should discuss issues more deeply. If she is confiding in you, you need to talk about how it affects you and vice versa. Had the secret not been about your "friend" hitting on her, would you have betrayed her confidence?

[lindseylatch]

haha, I tell people straight up not to tell me things that are secrets...because if I don't see why it should be secret, then I'll totally tell someone. Now I have a couple different groups of friends, so I can tell people who don't directly know the person I'm talking about...
If it's a secret, then don't tell ANYONE. Obviously she told you for a reason. Make you jealous?

[Sweetpea]

say you're honestly sorry, because you do seem genuinely contrite.
tell her how much she means to you . . . and that you want to build trust again.

good luck.

sweetpea

[Biscuit Buns]

I think it's ridiculous that she told you about your friend hittin' on her and expects you not to say anything. I think she's playing some emotional games there. There are other things she could have told you and held to secrecy, but something that is generally known to be a hot spot and cause some animosity between you and your buddy is not something that she should have asked you not to mention.

If you're really sorry about saying something, just say so. There's not a whole lot you can do about it now that it's done, aside from apologizing and working towards not slipping up again. The less you do it, the more she'll trust you.

Good luck.

[nowthen]

seems to me like she was probably hitting on him. why else would she not want you to say anything? and are you intending to live your whole life like this, getting all fucked up by your so because of some slight infraction?

[DJ Happy]

She's not being realistic if she doesn't expect you to react when told that a friend of yours has hit on her. Does she expect you to just carry on the same with him knowing that he tried to take her from you? He obviously doesn't value your friendship, so why should you pretend that nothing happened?

Some things just cannot be included in a "I have something to tell you but you have to promise you won't say anything about it" arrangement, and in my opinion this is one of them.

[Jay You Dee]

Me and my girlfriend have had things like this happen, but she knows that I'm so much of an ass that being pissed at me doesn't work. I would have been like "That fucker! I'm killing him" Then I would have confronted him, told him to never speak to her again, and that if he told anyone that shit would hit the fan. If it got back to her, I would just be like,"Sorry babe, I guess I'm just a little jealous about things like this." *her getting mad and telling me about trust* me:"Oh I see, well SORRY I just love you so much. SORRY it makes me mad when people I consider friends want to take my girlfriend. I guess from now on I should just let it slide, just keep shit bottled all up inside me, and not give a damn about the way either one of us feels if it's just going to piss you off!"

Then she calms me down, because normally I'm pretty pissed (at nothing) by then. Then we smoke a cigarette, she gives me head, sometimes I eat her out, then we go to the Waffle House and remain silent until we're about to leave. Then we start talking about what we're going to do tomorrow and how much we love each other.

Problem solved~

[mokle]

Sounds like she's very immature. You did the right thing.

Why is she trying to hide the fact that your friend hit on her?

[MSD]

If anything like this ever happens to anyone else, the obvious answer is to kick the guy's ass and not offer an explanation.

[danbiles]

It seems to me that when a girl asks you not to do anything about another guy hitting on her it is because she likes the attention and may want to use the "hitter" as a fall back position. My guess is she told you she was getting hit on because she wanted to make you jealous. She wanted you to keep quiet about it so your buddy would continue hitting on her. You accidentally stumbled onto something that speaks volumes about the woman. Cut your losses and move on.

[chickentribs]

You can't have trust without loyalty, and your girlfriend seems to be pretty stingy in that department. Why is she more concerned with his feelings than yours? If she is asking you to play games with the people around you to make things easier, you can be sure she plays them with you. Keep your eyes open...

[K-Wise]

I'm with some of the other people in this thread. I think she's fucking with you man. Honestly I've known some pretty unreasonable women before but for her to blow off the handle over something this stupid makes it seem like she's either playing a game with you, testing you, or creating a reason to fight with you that she may use as an excuse to dump you later.

That is ridiculous. You have more reason to be mad at her than she has to be mad at you. You need to let her know that and that you won't put up with that shit. Thats obviously something she HAD to know you wouldn't be able to keep quiet about and there is no GOOD explanation as to why she wanted you to. Try and think of one. She obviously wasn't worried about your friendship (If there ever was a real one..I mean he asked YOUR g/f out. The fact you did nothing about it shows him you have no guts.) with him or she wouldn't have told you so thats out. Sounds more like she's trying to protect something between them. You should ask her why she didn't want you to tell him and tell us what she says. If it's bullshit we'll read right through it.

You need to let her know that other people asking her out knowing you're investing your time in her is not and will not ever be cool and you will always have something to say about it. Be a man. Even if you didn't break her trust you should let her know that. There are some things I can see as a real secret...things that can hurt others, private things, emotional things, etc. but that is not one of them.

If you really care about her yes..apologize to give her some satisfaction but she owes you an apology too or at least an explanation for her behaviour.

Good luck and yes..definitely keep your eyes open.

Asta!!

[ranger]

You did the right thing in "confronting" him. How can she expect to tell you that someone was/has been hitting on her and not have you react? Very immature in my book. She obviously doesn't know you well enough to know that someone else hitting on her does not fly with you. Most girls would approve, I think.

Now I'm not a control freak AND I try very hard not to be one. I tell my girlfriend all the time that she can make her decisions and do what she wants and not ask me if its okay, because I don't own her. But she is my girlfriend so everyone else should know better than to hit on her like that.

Basically, if she thinks she can't trust you, why would she tell you if she didn't want you to react?

Or, to look on the darker side of things, she is playing with you and it was an act to get you to tell her you love her and will do anything

[Meier_Link]

Fuck that bullshit. He's the one who deserves to get his ass kicked for hitting on your girl and then running and telling her when you confronted him. You should immediately cut ties with that asshole, I would do so after teaching him a lesson he won't soon forget.

What I would do now is kick the shit out of him and let him know that if he breathes a word of it to your girlfriend you'll break his fuckin kneecaps.

[Johnny Rotten]

Originally Posted by Rudel73

I've apoligized to her a million times, told her i was wrong, i am the one person she has always been able to trust and have completely messed up twice in the past week or so...told her if she can find it in her heart to trust me again in the future i would love her forever.....Anyways she called me at work and came in and visited me for a while and seemed ok for the time being...Tomorrow im spending most of the day with her im sure things will be back to normal in due time. Thanks for your advice guys, i'm goin to surprise her with flowers and a poem tomorrow she loves it when i do that!

Personally, I don't think you have anything to apologize for, and it's much worse that she forces you to grovel so you can get back in to your graces. You know why? Because a friend hitting on your girl *isn't* cool, and you have every right to tell him that, in my opinion. I think you should also think about how word got back to her that you "dared" to call him out, even half-jokingly. She must have asked him. Because she doesn't trust her man...and she doesn't trust you because she doesn't trust herself, and that's textbook behavior for someone who is either open to cheating on you or has already done so.

I won't lie--I'm making educated guesses. But these guesses are based on hard-won experience. It just doesn't make any sense that she would tell you a friend of yours hit on her--then demand that you don't tell anyone or mention it to him. It doesn't sound like he's some kind of dangerous person, so it's not like she's afraid for herself. Like another poster in this thread said, I think she just likes the attention, more than she cares about how you feel. Don't let this girl own you, man. I don't care how pretty she is, or how nice she treats you otherwise. That just ain't right, and she needs to know. If she can't respect this, then she just might not be worth the trouble.