cowgirl02

OK, I was watching The View this morning, and they were talking about Desperate Housewives episode last night. The guy on the show saw their maid naked, got excited, then went upstairs and had sex with his wife. So the MAID turned him on and so he had sex with his WIFE. The wife found out about how he saw the maid naked, and how that turned him on, and told her husband "we are always able to tell eachother when we have crushes on other people" WTF? Do you and your SO tell eachother when you have a crush (or a sexual feeling for another person besides them) on someone else? I dont get crushes or sexual feelings for others, but i guess a lot of people do, but if I did and I told my SO, he would be PISSED!! Just wondering what your guys thoughts on this is.

lurkette

ratbastid and I generally know who each other's crushes are, and we have no problem taking out our sexual frustrations on each other

I can't remember what tv show I heard this on, but someone once said "no harm in building up an appetite somewhere else as long as you eat at home."

I think a healthy relationship has to allow for the continued humanity of the people involved. Just because you committed to one person doesn't mean you're going to magically lose all attraction to other people. What it means is that you promise not to act on that attraction. Now, people are more or less comfortable with the evidence that their partner is attracted to other people. For instance, ratbastid and I have no problem with each other flirting with other people (then again, we didn't have a problem with each other SLEEPING with other people, so we're probably not the best example) but it's generally rude to ogle people of the opposite sex in front of your significant other, unless you know for sure the other person won't mind (ratbastid and I think it's cute when one of us does a double take at a pretty girl).

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discotequi

Good question cowgirl... I think I agree with you... I'm not sure I'd have the guts to confess that, but it seems others on this board profess total honesty. Sometimes I'm just not sure complete honesty makes sense. For example... I don't need to tell my SO everytime I'm checking out a cute girl... lol, you know?

DewMan

My wife and I always go around saying "Oh, man he/she is hot!", but we've known each other a long time, and have been married 11 years.

Early on, she was much more jealous. I remember when before we were married we went on a date to see a movie with Jennifer Connolly in it. It was one of her first ones (with Michael J Fox). "Career Opportunities" or something like that.

After the movie, I commented on how hot Jennifer was. Man, she got pissed.

She's learned to trust me tho. Now we go through our subscription to Playboy together.

thinktank

Somewhat similar to what Lurkette said, when i was 15 and working at my first job as a dishwasher, the 21 year old cook gave me a very wise piece of advice which was "Just because you're on a diet, does not mean you cant look at the menu."
Look all you want friend, just dont be a scumbag and act on it.

Devoid

I think it's an honesty issue. I've had crushes on girls before, told my wife, and she generally understood. It happens. No matter how great your SO is, other members of the opposite sex will still appear attractive to you. It's a natural feeling. I don't think it's anything to be embarrassed about.

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ninety09

I don't tell my SO when I'm attracted to other girls. It's really none of her business and it's something she just doesn't need to know. I also don't care if she's attracted to other guys, it doesn't change anything between us.

Sweetpea

ditto for hubby and I on what lurkette said. it's normal to get crushes on other inviduals . . . And as long as that sexual turn on is being reaped by your SO, then where is the harm? It doesn't mean you don;t love your SO or are attracted to them any less . . . it just means you saw someone cute who excited you . . . we're human, and in general, people need to cut themselves some slack and stop being so hard on themselves . . .

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snowy

God, I can only hope I have the same kind of marriage. I have a need to share that with my SO (when I have an SO) and get the same from them. C'mon, just because we're together doesn't mean we're dead. It helps me deal with feelings that might otherwise turn into jealousy. And man, I hate being jealous.

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ShaniFaye

We totally tell each other. We have no problem telling each other if we think another person is hot....no jealousy issues at all with either of us. We are both BIG flirts and we both have the same taste in other women Its not at all odd for us to see someone say to they other....hey baby there's one I'd love to take home with us

Attraction is natural, to be expected to "turn it off" is just not in the realm of possibility and I see more fun in using it to our advantage than to turn it into a fight.

Just like when we go to the renn fair or the highland games and I see a hot guy in a kilt....Dave SO totally benefits from that....why would he complain....same for me if he see's a busty wench.

We both have circles of friends that have people we have an "attraction" to, why supress it when it can add so much more to our lives? Jealousy is pointless and a waste of time in our opinion.

I guess thats what comes when you have total trust and no paranoia. I've never once thought "well hell that chick turned Dave on, I guess that means Im not as sexy" He lets me know every day in many ways that IM the one that turns him on the most (and I try to do the same for him) He's a man.....expecting him to not notice the qualities of another women is ridiculous.

but then again, Im also a freak and with a man thats more than willing to do a MMF threesome so what do I know

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deekaybee

Don't know how I would go if my SO said we had sex cause they got aroused by someone else. I would prefer to 'think' that it was due to me they want sex. Plus in their minds are they having sex with you or the fantasy?

Don't mind her having fantacies, but I don't need to know..

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anti fishstick

I don't see anything wrong with that. I think it's part of being completely open with your partner to be able to tell them who you have a crush on. For me, I wouldn't say I crush on anyone else, but i'll definitely tell him who I think is attractive. We openly discuss that all the time, but usually it's just people on tv.

To be turned on by someone or something else seems fine to me also. Isn't that what porn is all about?

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skysooner

My wife and I saw the same episode, and she said he was going to be busted for that. It actually seemed strange to us that she would bust him for that since their sex life was so obviously happy and healthy. My wife and I have been together for 13 years now. What we find now is that when we our having lots of sex, our libidos shoot up immensely, and it is so easy to find other people attractive (and consequently have a crush on them). It just benefits both of us as we both use it to fuel our sexual energy for each other. When you have two kids and both are working, it is sometimes hard to have the time to generate sexual energy at home. There is absolutely nothing wrong with using the energy generated by a sexual hunger for others towards your relationship.

Sex is both a gift and a curse. It is a tremendous gift if used properly and put in its place (a very nice side benefit to a great relationship) and a curse if you use it as a power thing in the relationship. We know many couples that go through this as well. Most of the time they just aren't communicating.

As with everything else, if you don't talk about it, you will never completely understand what the other person is thinking.

DeeTee

There is only a problem when your SO thinks you would rather be with the "objet de'sire" *rather* than them... When this is the case hope is lost.

Crushes are healthy - to pretend that your SO is the only person you can ever be atracted to is narrow-minded and dangerous... appetites shift, desires wax and wane, but your affection, affinity, and devotion are what's important... not just someone with whom you are attracted to. It shows that these base instincts of yours are functional... when you're with someone long enough the physical/sexual attraction isn't necessarily what keeps you drawn to that person... it takes deeper meaning. This is just exercise for your libido and imagination... nothing wrong with that... Dr. Ruth even says so... she's like the Yoda of Sexuality.

Now if you find yourself cheating on your SO with these crushes than maybe a monagamous relationship isn't really for you and you should re-evaluate.

rodneybrooks

I don't think that's a problem, but some people would get really jealous if you kept telling them that someone else made you hot also.

uptown

I personally would prefer it if my SO went after the object of his desires rather than trotting in and screwing me while thinking of somebody else.

I don't know,having sexually open relationships seems a lot more honest and less hurtful than using somebody as a handy cumrag.

Ralli

i sometimes get a little crush on someone......on a nice looking guy or whatever. I never go through with it, just lust over them for awhile. If I ever told the other half he would go SPASTIC at me.....

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Ovenall

I'm perpetually horny. I'm happily married, but routinely get crushes on women I meet/work with. Never act on them though.

My wife knows. Shit, we're all just human.

vvveronica

Well it would all depend on your husband. I am single but ive been with guys secure enough they can handle it and other who would loose it. If your all itching to tell him then you might look at why you are.. If it is just something you have to say then wait until he looks at some hot model and say " oh you have the hots fro her well i have them for ____" and watch the response. The guess is that it is not worth it and desperate housewives is a hollywood fantasy.

Captain Nemo

My wife and I are totally open with each other about these things. Years ago we created what we called the "Game". Whenever we were in public, we would comment to one another if we saw any "contestants" (i.e., attractive people, male or female). Absolutely no harm in it. We routinely challenge one another with questions like "If you could sleep with one person in your office who would it be". Makes for interesting conversation, and also allows us to learn more about one another.

Batski

Can I ask where the boundary is here for you people? If it's okay to get turned on by someone outside your relationship and bring your increased sex drive into the relationship - is it also ok to carry on in same vein and fantasise about crush whilst having sex with SO? Or does crush stay outside bedroom door ( and if so - how?)

doncalypso

I haven't had crushes on othe people since being with my girlfriend, but I won't deny having felt strongly attracted to other women. This being said, I've never slept with another woman since being with my girlfirend, and I do not plan on cheating on her.

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hoosier52

The word "crush" kind of evokes some level of emotional attachment to another person in my mind. If that ever happened, it would cause more harm than good to confess it. On the other hand, I often see women that I think are attractive and have said so to my wife without any repercussions. Of course they are usually someone totally unattainable, like an actress or model. One thing I've learned in 15 years of marriage is that the mention of a female co-workers name on more than 1 or 2 occassions triggers the wife's "competition radar". lol