ajzdaee

Well, I have benn dating this girl for about one year now and she has moved in with me about two months ago. I have one child from a previous wife, and he lives with me full time. The dilema is my gf has never really had much intrest in children. It was fine when we lived in seprate houses but now that we live together she is really seeing the attention it takes to raise a child on your own. I liked the fact that she was not in to children that much because i only wanted one child. She has recently started saying things like you pay so much more attention to him and not me, dont' you care about me. My child is five now and requires alot of attention as any five year old dose. I try telling her that I am doing the best that I can, but she is really frustrated, almost to the point to moving back out. My question is how long dose one wait till you say that’s it? I know that there is no magic number but how dose everyone else feel about this situation. Thanks.

Shizukana

If you have a kid and she can't understand the fact that he needs your love and devotion, then she's got a special spot she can sit on, right outside on the curb, in my opinion.

Sorry to be rude or sound it... but any woman who would say things like that regarding a five year old child has a lot of maturing to do before she's ready to be in a serious relationship and be living with a person who has a child.

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waltert

I think the kid takes priority. have her move out if need be, but take care of your child above all else

snowy

Sounds like she's the child in this situation. I don't think there is any length of time you can wait. Either someone's mature enough to handle a man with a kid or not. Sounds like not in this case, which is unfortunate. C'est la vie.

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bad jane

kick her to the curb. while you "only wanted one child" and that's what you've got, sounds like that is one too many for her.

as much as you may love this girl, i'm a firm believer that children come first. if she lives with you, she is taking on some responsibility for raising your child (intentional or not). she will be an influence on your child just by being there. she may not handle discipline or do any primary caregiving--but your child will view her as a mother figure anyway. i had a friend and her two kids live with me for about a year and they both thought of me as their second mom (the youngest even slipped up and called me mommy sometimes).

do you really want someone who doesn't care for kids playing mommy to yours?

and even if you feel all that is irrelevant. your child is not going to require less attention from you for years. the type of attention may shift, but kids have needs at any age and as a parent it is your responsibility to meet them. i don't see your situation improving unless she has a change of heart.

it sounds like she is asking you to choose between her and your child. you chose to bring your child into this world and because of that, you owe your child a safe and loving home environment where more than just basic needs (food and shelter) are met. unless she's your mom, you don't owe this woman anything.

xxSquirtxx

Is she the same age (or close) as you? If so, maybe she'll wise up soon. If she's much younger....well. Hmm. Imagine you're together for a while. What will happen when your child is 13 and is really going through some tough times with hormones and such? The time and energy (and money) it takes to raise kids only gets more pronounced as they get older. Ahh..life was so easy when they were toddlers.

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dksuddeth

instead of YOU making the decision, this is an area where SHE needs to be making the decision. You didn't hide the child until she moved in and then surprised her with it, right? She knew she was getting into a relationship where a child was involved, she may not have known how demanding a young one can be, but now she's seeing it. If its not her cup of tea, then she can choose to leave. What she should not be doing is trying to be more important than the child. If she can't handle being in a 'family' (loose term since she's not the momma) situation, then she has the choice of not dealing with it by leaving.

adam

Completely agree. Reality is, if she can't handle being in a relationship with kids, let her go.

doncalypso

If she can't respect the fact that you spend so much of your attention and energy on your child who is your own flesh and blood then it's time to kick her to the curb.

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Stick

Piss her off. The childs well being comes before the Pouting Princess.

kajagoogoo

She's gotta go bye bye

maleficent

Any person, be it male or female, that wants a custodial parent choose between them and the child, I have no patience for. That's what it sounds like she's doing. You and your child come as a set, she knew about him when she moved in, she should have figured out what she was getting into.

Dating a dad is not easy, and it's not for everyone, since she's moved in with you, you obviously have some string feelings for her, I'd sit her down and lay your cards on the table, he's your child, and right now, he's coming first because he needs you. The choice, is then, up to her.

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f6twister

Get rid of her now before your son starts to hate her and resent you for keeping her around. She has made it clear that children are not her thing. All you would accomplish by keeping her around is to send the same message to your son. Find someone else who is willing to help you raise your son, not be another child to potty train.

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Shirtninja

Anyone selfish enough to try and make you chose between her and your kid has got to go. I just dont see a person out growing that mentality very easily.

jaded

some women just cannot accept a child not of her own, be it from adoption or from a former spouse. you obviously still have feeling for her. sit her down and let her know that you and your child form an inseparable package together: either she takes both and learns to adapt herself, or she leaves and you move on. also, if i were you i wouldnt leave your kid with her alone. harbored hatred and frustration can be dangerous.

fredcola

If that was me i would start packing her bags. the boy comes first, if she does not understand then too bad.

ajzdaee

Thanks for all your responses. I have done the sit her down thing and say this is how it has to be. But all it dose is piss her off. She told me the other day that my son has no manners and no respect for adults, keep in mind that he is 5. She told me this after he interrupted us when we were having a conversation. I tried to explain to her that no 5 year old has any idea what respect is. He is not a bad child; he is actually very caring, loving and sensitive child. I know what has to be done but I am the kind of person that will give that last bit of hope. This was my first post and I have to say it has helped to just get things out. (More too come)

LIMilf

Ask yourself this, if she can't take the fact that you give more attention to your child, how much more time can you spend with her? Your child is gonna be with you for the rest of your life, if she can't see that, then she has to go.

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inharmony

I agree with Mal...and it sounds like you've sat her down and tried to discuss this with her. The harsh reality of this is she needs to accept him as she has you or leave.

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hiro-acid

My two cents: Kick her to the curb and find a woman that understands once you have a child you can't be her 24/7 ego-fulfillment. Your child should come first, and anyone who doesn't or chooses not to accept this obvious reality of your situation probably isn't fit to be in your child's life. Sorry buddy, but there's more fish in the sea.. good luck..

ratbastid

Welcome to TFP!

As is so often the case with advice questions (and ESPECIALLY in Tilted Sexuality), you already know the right thing to do. You can rest assured that so far, 100% of the people posting in this thread are behind you on it.

I know it's hard to swallow in this circumstance, but it's a total no-brainer that your son comes first. That she doesn't know that too points to her selfishness and naivete. The lesson here is: be clear about that next time. The next girlfriend needs to know the deal. You and your son are a package. You can't have one without the other.

ajzdaee

That I can say is, I learn something great form each girl I am with, no matter the ending. This was the first girl that I went this far with since my divorce, five years ago. It is a real heart breaker but sure dose help me with the next round. I think that what helps me be the best father I can is the resilience.

Zegel

Ouch =/. That's a rough situation man. Like the other posters have said, she does have to go. She's obviously does not care about your son, and it looks highly doubtful that she will ever be a real parent.

In my opinion, the biggest reason to break that off isnt for your own good, but for your son's. Your son is only five. Any woman that you bring into his life should be the one that you want to fill the role as his mother. Honestly, I think it is a very bad idea to have any partner move in until you are very sure that he/she will end up being a good parent to your child. The last thing kids need is a revolving door of girlfriends/boyfriends moving in and out.

absorbentishe

Dude, I totally feel sorry that you are in this situation. You have to think what's best, not only for you , but your child. If she's not accepting of him, then you know where it's going. You've talked and talked until you're blue in the face, and she still can't accept him. She needs to grow up, not your son. She'll move out eventually on her own. I'm sure she knows where the relationship is going too.

Catmandu

Once you have a child, it becomes your #1 priority. No ifs, ands or butts. All other relationships must understand that.

StephenSa

Hookay, I moved in with and later married a woman with a child so can somewhat see things from your girlfriends angle. You guys love each other and decided to cohabitate. She had some experience with the child from the past and while she "wasn't into kids" (neither am I) she thought she could deal with the situation and perhaps even grow to care for the child. Either way it was a small price to pay to be with such a wonderful person as you. Now she is in the thick of it and being around a child full-time is a lot more trying than she thought it would be. Parents are understanding and patient with their kids because of the love and bond they share and have grown accustomed to a childs behavior. A newcomer into the home gets annoyed with things the parent never even notices because the parent has become numb to such things. The newcomer is under a lot of stress dealing with a completely alien situation and has no system in place for alieviating it. The newcomer is going to lash out sometimes not realizing the things they are saying are hurtful and destructive. There is definately a breaking-in period for suddenly being thrust into living with a child and it is not short. That being said, she shouldn't be vying for attention against your five year old. As an adult she should be beyond that. She might have understandable complaints but that one she needs to drop. You on the other hand have said you were glad she wasn't into kids because you don't want any more. Well guess what? You have taken a woman that doesn't want kids and you've given her one. Say what you will, parent or not if you live with your SO and their child you now have parent-ish issues to deal with. You've got to expect problems from that situation. If she really doesn't like kids then she should probably go, at five your son's going to be around for a long time. If you two can be patient with each other and she genuinely thinks she can learn to accomodate the situation maybe it can work out. I love my wife and knew going in if I was going to be with her the commitment would be both to her AND her child. We established upfront things that would definately not be my responsibility (college fund, clothing, medical bills, etc) but some things just go with the territory. I sometimes cook for the child, we spend some time together, I take some role in discipline and some of my activities are curtailed or canceled due to the child's needs. I get aggravated sometimes and occasionally question if I can do it for the long haul but overall I think I can and I put in the effort every day. If she can put in the effort you've got a shot, if not you are both just wasting time. Best of luck to you. I hope everything works out.

adam

I hate to say it but you've got to dump her; she's not mature enough to be in a relationship with you right now, and the things she says and her attitude can hurt your son. Let her go. There are women who like kids and will be right for you.

little_tippler

I agree with everyone, she sounds immature. Once you have a child, OF COURSE they are always first. She must be out of her mind to turn giving her and your child affection into a battle for affection. It's not an attitude that I think you'll see change any time soon. If it really comes to a "choice", you know what you have to do. She's pretty stupid to put things that way, as it's very clear who you'll "choose".

As if you even have a choice. How ridiculous.

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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

bendsley

I completely agree with Shizukana. Tell her that if she needs to be the one to grow up, if she can't handle it, tough. SEEYA.

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