ShaniFaye

onodrim....sure you have...you've found several of us right here

__________________
I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

ruggerp11

its what you're comfortable with. Fuck him and people like him. I love sex and want to end up with someone with the same mindset. If someone is turned off by the number of people that I have slept with then they are not that person.

__________________
Patriotism means being loyal to your country all the time and to its government when it deserves it.
--Mark Twain
Do What makes you happy
--Me
BUT!
"Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness" - Chuang-Tzu

water_boy1999

My thoughts on the subject.

Sex is something sacred and special, but shoudn't necessarily be saved for a select few. Life is too short. Why should we limit the amount of pleasure we have in our lifetimes because society dictates how much is enough or not enough sex? I am single. I will have as much sex, as often, and with as many beautiful women I can before I get married and settle into one relationship. I have no qualms about it. I will be safe. I will stay clean. I will get checked regularly. I will always use protection.

I don't think that women should have the double standard placed on them either. I don't care if I sleep with someone who has had 100 partners. For what I am looking for, which is usually a few nights of passion, doesn't require the woman to have a limited number of partners. In fact, I like someone who has a history. This way I know she will be secure with her sexuality and most likely good in the sack.

__________________
Doh!!!!


-Homer Simpson

Coppertop

Same here. I don't need to know or want to know. She hasn't told me and I haven't told her. I wouldn't lie if she asked but I am not going to volunteer the information either. We're happy with each other, and that's what's important.

Zeraph

I'll just second what most have said. No number is too high so long as you're not spreading disease, and it's not consuming the rest of your life. I've learned something from psychologoy, and that is that nothing is a disorder (ie bad, wrong) unless it disrupts youre life.

Fallon

Sorry if this has been stated, but what's it matter really if you sleep with lots of guys? More power to you. I've had relations with girls who had more then twice, sometimes more then 3 times more partners then I. As long as you keep yourself clean and safe then it shouldn't matter and these guys need to get a grip. In fact, I'm trying to get my fiancee into puttin more notches in hers...=p

jillian

im only 21 and ill be the first to admit ive been with alot of people... do i regret any of them? yes and no.... i took something with me after eacxh one... whether it was a memory or an expirience that i will know to avoid in the future.... none of them were just a notch for my lipstick case... although alot were just to satisfy a craving... i consider myself a funa nd adventerous girl... ive tried almost everything... mainly just to see what i like... im not the type to not try something... because like they say... how do u know till u tried..... only problem isive liked just about everything ive tried... ill adnit it i love sex... there isnt a moment in the day that i dont think about it.... im not ashamed of the things ive done or the things i will do... i just know that there are guys who will think badly of me for these things... so i guess i should just be honest and upfront with them for the fact that if they cant handle it... i probably dont want to be with them anyway... now to find a guy or girl that loves a girl that knows how to have fun and isnt afraid of trying new things... and likes the fact that i have been with alot of people gaining valuable expirience

Irishsean

After quite a bit of deliberation about posting this, I decided to, even though this community is not nearly as open to conflicting ideas as they would like to believe. I'm gonna post this even though I believe I'll take a bunch of crap for it.

I think there is such a thing as too many partners, at least in my own opinion of how love and sex are related. I can't seperate sex and love, its one thing to me. I can't imagine having sex with someone I didn't love. Every person I've had sex with except one was someone I truly expected to spend the rest of my life with. That one was a stupid decision thats bothered me seriously ever since, and I regret it very much. In my opinion, sex is a sharing experience and its too special to just hand out to everyone. I know I'm in the minority here, but thats how I feel.

__________________
There are no absolute rules of conduct, either in peace or war. Everything depends on circumstances.
Leon Trotsky

adam

No, it doesn't necessarily signify that, but it's a warning signal. You have to weigh the odds and make a judgement. Having had some prior SO's for long periods of time would improve the odds, in my assessment.

As for how I would weigh things if I were a woman -- best I can guess is the same. "several" is one thing, but if a guy told me he'd had 100 prior partners he probably wouldn't be first on my list.

Then again, I'm risk averse; other people will decide things differently. My point was I don't think it's crazy to consider the number of partners.

adam

That's facile but untrue. History is a pretty decent predictor of the future -- it's not destiny, no, but absent other forces it's a good guide as to what to expect. If you meet a guy with 3 divorces, odds are short that #4 will be the charm. Etcetera.

ShaniFaye

ok so I had a lot of partners before I got married....does that mean Im going to always be that way? I have spent most of the last 14 years monogamous with two men 11 years with one...NO sex for 2 years and then the last year with one man.

I wouldnt say my early sexual experiences were indicative of how I've lived my life from 1990 to now

__________________
I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

animal909

...but wrong kind of men for yourself.

Lockjaw

No it doesn't but you can't totally ignore a person's past. As has been said if one of your beaus told you he beat several of his past girlfriends you wouldn't be a LITTLE leary that it could happen to you? That's what I'm saying at least I don't know about others, but if a woman admitted to me that at say 24 years old she was approaching triple digits of sexual partners...I would have no REAL way of knowing how commited she would be able to be in a relationship. And I weigh things like that very heavily. I'm a creature of information. I won't even buy something as mundane as deoderant without at least a LITTLE bit of research first. So suffice to say if the history of my potential mate isn't up to my standards then I won't be bothering. I would expect no less from the other side because if a woman isn't judging me at least a little on what I've done and accomplished in the past I'm not sure if she would at all be serious about a relationship with me.

dood

It is none of his business who you've been with before or after. The only valid argument I would see would be if there were other partners during your relationship without his knowledge, most guys want to be the only one you are with during a relationship. But again, the relationship is over, so its none of his business.

And it's ok to cloud the number of sexual partners if a guy asks. I don't neccesarily agree that lying of any kind is good for a relationship, but men have a deep seated fear of not being the best you've had, and with a greater number of partners, the greater the chance is that he's not.

How many is too many? That is a question no one should answer for you.

d*d

my stance on this has actually been much better writtenby willbjammin in "has sex lost it's meaning thread" my point of view on this subject is not one of judgement on any person for the amount of people they've slept with

however, just because I beleive that a persons sexual history and indeed their attitude toward sex are important does not mean I am some backward thinking male chauvenist, if I went around having multiple partners then expected my partners to virginial that would be hypocritical, but I don't I beleive that sex has more value as a special bond and have found one night stands hollow meaningless things.

To answer the original question how many is too many, that depends on who you ask and I'm entitled to my own opinion on the matter

denim

What's the point of having a virgin? She's inexperienced, is probably messed up in the head or is waaaay too young. I want any woman I'm with to have a clue. Experience is good for that. Lots of former (emphasis on "former") partners is a Good Thing in that sense.

d*d

I didn't say I wanted virginial, I don't mind experienced - but you can be experienced and still have a low partner count.

denim

"Low" is a relative thing. Consider Wilt Chamberlin.

Clark

My wife had many partners befor me. It never bothered me. I look at it this way she had the experence to know what she wanted and what she wants is me. The other nice thing is that she has expemented and knows what she likes and can tell me so the sex is grate.

__________________
Dyslexic please excuse the spelling.

jillian

exactly... the number of people i have been with lets me know what i like and how i like it and i am not afraid to tell him or her how or what to do to make it great for both of us (or the 3 of us....or 4 or.. nevermind)

Nazggul

All those who say it would bother you if your female partner had more "experience" than you need to really look hard at yourself and ask why? This bit of detail about your partner is beyond your control. This person that you care enough about to consider a sexual relationship is the same person before and after you became aware of the "number." It is your own weakness that makes it an issue, recognize it and reconcile it. Have more confidence in yourself and trust your partner as much as she trusted you when she told you the "number." Be the Man she beleived you would be when she trusted in you enough to tell you.

__________________
"If something has to give then it always will."

-- Editors

adam

If I found out you lied, it would be over then and there.

adam

Probably not; no risk assessment is perfect. And obviously the last decade or so would change the risk assessment (if the potential partner were aware of it).

This isn't a personal indictment; I'm not saying a girl who'd had a thousand partners couldn't be a wonderful, perfect lover. I'm saying there are rational reasons why she wouldn't be my first choice. I don't expect everyone to agree with me, but in the larger population I think there are more guys who care than who don't. You are probably right that many guys hold a double standard; that's sad. But if I were a woman I'd be leery of guys with triple digit counts as well.

Nazggul

What reasons are there that wouldn't be dispelled with a simple STD screening? The only other reasons I can think of include some type of moral judgement of the behavior.

__________________
"If something has to give then it always will."

-- Editors

KinkyKiwi

ahemm...umm ive been with 2 guys ..3 if you count "unwilling" sexual encounters...oh and oral 2 guys...and maybe 20 girls

i dont judge other people by how many people they have been with...

just its my preference to save sex for people i really love because its a very emotional thing for me...

now to be totally honest...when it comes to girls..i feel no emotional attachment..so i dont care at all how many people they have been with...but i would have problems having relationships with men who had had alot of sexual partners...because i would know they didnt share the same feelings about sex.

__________________
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite.

pig

I meant to post something to this thread yesterday, but my browser barfed up my post. I think the original question posed by jillian has been answered in the thread, probably first by maleficient, but I'm not scrolling back to verify.

On the general discussion surrounding it, I think the only non-repeater I have to (somewhat add) is that in my experience, it *usually* works out best if both people are within a certain bracket of one another. I would put the brackets something like :

0
1-5
6-10
11-20
21-50
50-100
100+

Not that's sure thing, as others have testified from their own experiences, but in my experience - for committed relationship development - it usually happens that people who have similar attitudes towards sex will fall close to each other's bracket. It also depends on age difference, of course. And although sexual attitudes don't tell the full story of someone, it's an important component of a healthy relationship and *may* give some indication of a person's general perceptions of morality, ethics, religious committment, etc.

For example, asking one of my best friend's super-duper never-had-sex 24 year old virgin little sister to have a committed relationship with someone who was very sexually promiscuous would be like asking her to brush her teeth with slug shit, in her opinion.

__________________
You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

Lockjaw

Likely hood of the relationship being something more in the long run. Sorry but depending on the age if a person has had an inordinately high number of partners one would be hard pressed to assume that they would instantly be a ok with settling down. That's not being on some moral high horse that's being painfully honest and realistic about the situation. Now that does take into account a couple of things.
1) That person obtained those high numbers without cheating on their significant other. Needless to say if they obtained the numbers while they were supposedly in a commited relationship they aren't going to meet my standards, call it being overly moral(which is ludicrous), but I call it simply not wanting a person who has made infidelity a habit.

2) As an individual you have a different standard for sex i.e. done in a commited relationship and not just a whirlwind night of humping with an annonymous person. I've never viewed sex as the later and I would prefer my mate didn't as well. If they don't view sex as something special in a commited relationship that's fine, but I'm not that kind of guy. There are plenty who are, but it's not me. I don't think that's being narrowminded I think that's just having an honest idea of what you want and settling for something else only undermines the relationship from the get go.


Now if given both those things are true it would be hard to reason out WHY a person that had an "above average" number of sexual partners. As if they contended the sex was in a commited relationship but just had LOTS and LOTS of those relationships over the years, that would show a trend that I don't feel I should be wasting my time with. That one person just isn't who I'm looking for just as I'd imagine I wouldn't be who they were looking for if our beliefs on something that basic were so drastically different.

At least that's how I see it. He might have totally different reasoning behind his stance.

Nazggul

Lockjaw, on the issue of infidelity I totally agree with you. Although in this situation infidelity is an assumption you are making based on a high number. I disagree that they must go hand in hand and will therefore leave that right alone. Your second point is muddled with the first and again assumes infidelity so I'm not sure how that differs from the first.

I agree in principal with the "different standard" of sex. However, you are making a rather weighty decision based on assumptions that only have the number of sexual partners as a basis. I will say again, this person that you care enough about to consider a sexual relationship is the same person before and after you became aware of the "number." What attracted you to that person in the first place has not changed. These situations are not as easy as black and white; to treat it as such would be naive.

Here's another thought for those that consider a high number of partners to equal an experienced lover. Throughout my college life I had many partners. Many of you would classify it as a "high number." However, I grew more sexually when I was in one committed relationship after school for 4+ years than I ever did jumping from dorm to dorm in school. Therefore I believe that even someone who has had only one lover can be "experienced."

__________________
"If something has to give then it always will."

-- Editors

Fire

Personally, I feel that "how many " is really not the question to ask regarding "slutdom"
just because a woman enjoys sex should not cause her to be labeled negatively- in fact, I think that I and most of my male, (hell, the female ones too) friends would like to advocate strongly for sexual experimentation to be an expected part of any male or females early adult lives- the thing that makes a woman , or a man, a slut, imho, is whether she or he CHEATED on any of their partners- sorry, but cheating is something I cannot abide, and feel that if someone cheats, unless there is a MAJOR life changing event, they are always going to be damned untrustworthy and a major relationship risk......I have many friends that have had partners with high "numbers" and the deciding factor has not once been whether he or she had fucked a lot of people before- it has however often been whether he or she had fucked around on a previous partner....... those people, I have sadly found from personal experience, can in the words of shakespere "smile and smile, and still be a villian"

__________________
Thought the harder, Heart the bolder,
Mood the more as our might lessens

d*d

An important point to make, this is not about experience, this is about number of partners.

bigger number of partners does not equal more sex had
bigger number of partners does not equal more experience

in fact you would become more experienced taking a few partners and really exploring each other, which takes time, commitment and trust.

Lockjaw

The second doesn't mix with infidelity at all. It's totally based upon me having a different opinion on sex than a person that's willing to have a one night stand. You can have tons of one night stands and not be in a relationship but a person willing to do that isn't the kind of person I'm looking for.
And as far as assuming the infidelity that would be determined by inquiring about how many long term relationships they had felt like they had been in.
If they told me 6-7 but then told me they had sex with like 50 people(and I'm basing this on somebody roughly my own age 24-26) then one of those two things I said above would have to be true. Simply no other way around that.

But considering the other conjoining factors it's not just based purely on number of partners. It's based upon how did you arrive at such high numbers. It's based upon were those numbers mitigated by long term relationships at some point. Before this gets confused I'm making this decision based fully on very reasonable criteria. As I said earlier in the thread I have my own scale of what I consider reasonable that being 3 a year starting at the age of sexual maturity of 14. I'm 26. My current girlfriend is 23. Under my system her magic number so to speak is 27 give or take a few. That's not a small number by any stretch. But it also is some what reasonable to expect a person to at least be able to maintain a relationships that average 4 months a piece per person they've slept with. A 4 month relationship is actually pretty dang short in my book.

And it's not just black and white but neither is it throwing things to complete abandon and not making a some what logic based choice BEFORE you are fully emotionally vested in the relationship. Now that being said this subject likely would come up before anything "serious" happened between me and a potential mate. And what attracted me to a person is generally entirely different from what makes me want to stay. A pretty smile a nice shape and a good attitude can attract me. But if she doesn't share the same basic outlook on life...well gotta go. More people need to think about that part of it. I can easily make myself stay based on the bubbles of the first few months and weeks of a relationship but if i can see it's not going to work why stay and prolong the grief?

Naive in my book would be to completely ignore past history even when it points to a great possibility that person not being right for you. When you view sex and relationships in the manner I view it, a person that routinely has one night stands, or a person that routinely has short relationships isn't right for me. And they likely would be happier overall with somebody with their views on sex as likely I probably wouldn't be giving it up soon enough for them to begin with.

ShaniFaye

just to point out something

People are not the same when they are 18/19 that they are when they are in their 30's and 40's....I know I would not do the same things I did back then....hopefully the people that look down on people with higher numbers will remember that things done in someone's teenage past doesnt necessarily mean anything as far as what they would do in the present

__________________
I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

Lockjaw

I want to make a point here...I'm not "looking down on people with higher numbers". Just stating they aren't right for me. Just as somebody that smokes isn't right for me. Just as if somebody who drank too much isn't right for me. Etc...
Well I'll reach that bridge when I come to it. Hopefully I won't have to be concerned about that at 35-40 as hopefully I would have been happily married a long time prior tot hat. But at this point in my life it's still definately recent enough to be pertinent in the decision making process.

Nazggul

Totally agree. People change, people grow (well, most of us ). At some point most of us settle down.

__________________
"If something has to give then it always will."

-- Editors

Nazggul

Agreed, and I did in fact make the same point above in a later post.

__________________
"If something has to give then it always will."

-- Editors

william

What's in a number? That has never been a question I have asked. That is something that was part of her past, and is in mine. As long as it's not a question in the present, in a commited relationship, so what? What - you just KNEW how to do that? The main thing is that you have continued to be safe.

Irishsean

Sorry, had to throw that in...

__________________
There are no absolute rules of conduct, either in peace or war. Everything depends on circumstances.
Leon Trotsky

Suave

You're talking about history in the macro sense of the word. A single person's sexual history means very little, especially the number of people they've slept with alone. You don't know why they slept with the number they have, you don't know how the other people felt about it, you don't have direct access to their thoughts or emotions, and therefore, judging them is a fucking stupid idea based on that. Then again, judging people period is pretty lame anyways.

adam

This was covered in earlier posts. 1) STD screens are not perfect; even with them, more partners means more risk (albeit only by a small amount). However, unless I've actually seen the STD results first-hand, it's just hearsay. 2) Not everyone wants to be compared to a list of 100 prior lovers. 3) Having lots of partners is a warning sign about your ability to commit.

And come to think of it, 4) what is wrong with making moral judgements of behavior? You don't have to agree, but expecting no moral judgements to be made is silly.

All of these are just considerations, and no assessment of risk is perfect. But it's not crazy to consider the number of partners.

adam

I flat out don't agree with you regarding how much it means. You are welcome to your opinions.