little_tippler

Maybe it's just my personal experience, even though I haven't been around all that long. But from what I have seen in my life and the lives of those around me, is that more and more, relationships seem to be easily disposable.

I'm not saying that I'd like to be like my grandparents and have to be with someone for life, because it's the done thing, or for the kids, or because society rejects you if you decide to be different. That's not it at all.

But nowadays we are constantly bombarded with advertisements where you can get better, cheaper, faster, more, and most of society is being taught that everything is disposable and it's ok. I disagree.

It's all very well to be emancipated, and independent, and have all the rights and some in the world, but I think people have lost track of what should be truly valued.

Another person's heart isn't disposable. It's something to be cared for. If you're with someone, and you really want to be with them, then try. And if it's not perfect, as no relationship is, try harder. If there is love, you should try. You owe it to yourself, to the relationship, and to your loved one.

Breaking up over niggling arguments, the illusion that you're incompatible (sometimes completely opposite people are great together), because you want to be right every time, because you're too proud, because you're selfish and want everything your way, or because you're not willing to make an effort, are all the easy way out.

If you're truly dedicated, you can look to yourself and make adjustments. If your partner loves you, they also will try. It's so easy to let go, it's much harder, but also more rewarding, to go the distance.

I'd like to know what other people's feelings are on the way relationships work nowadays and whether you agree that relationships seem to break up as easily as they started...thanks for your views.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Clark

little_tippler check out this thread.

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=74017

__________________
Dyslexic please excuse the spelling.

Locs

The one point that bugs me is the "No relationship is perfect, and you need to work hard to make it last".

Bullshit. You can't fool yourself into being happy. This is an illusion.

I am NOT saying relationships are perfect bliss, but people who think if they just stay with the person, and talk more, and express themselves more, that things will go just fine after a while are in denial.

Its called lowering expectations. Its called "settling".

We are on this planet for a short time. Have fun and be happy. You cannot make someone else happy unless you are happy with yourself.

Tech1234511

I am totally with Little Tippler. Hearts are precious things and not to be tossed out like yesterdays garbage.

adam

Agree with Little Tippler as well; relationships take work. Kidding yourself that the next one will magically be better is just a recipe for lots of failed relationships.

chickentribs

I agree that if you commit to a relationship, especially marriage, you obviously need to work with your partner and try to respect each other as individuals but understand compromise is also necessary to stay on the path through life together.

Sadly, people do change and priorities shift sometimes, no matter how hard you work at it. If your goals in life become different than your partners, it is probably good that society doesn't kick you in the teeth for moving on, like they use to 40 or 50 years ago.

This in no way excuses the growing number of 6 month and out marriages. The gentleman who was pushing the "Defense of Marriage" bill in my state demonizing gay relationships was on his fourth marriage. Great.

__________________
Oft expectation fails...
and most oft there Where most it promises
- Shakespeare, W.

little_tippler

Ok, fair enough, I agree that sometimes you are settling. But I also think that sometimes people give up way to soon. It's like adam says, you're also kidding yourself if you think it's always easy. Sometimes it's really tough and you need to be certain of what you want and whether it's right for you.

What I'm saying is that we live in such an individualistic society that it's so easy to just discard something, even a relationship...and I don't think that's a good lesson to teach.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Psycho Dad

Not just society but religion. I believe that for too long society leaned on the crutch of the church to keep people moving in the direction where society felt it should go. Too much emphasis was placed on doing things for these "moral" reasons and not enough on understanding that life can be a bitch. As a result, people pay no mind to it when they say something like "for better or worse". Well you know what people? That worse part is going to happen and unless you are ready to deal with it in some other manner other than running from it, you are going to get bit in the ass again.

avhg1

I don't see working hard as fooling yourself into being happy. I see it as working hard to get to a point of happiness. There are times that it is not possible, but that is a whole different apple. The real problem today, no one wants to work for anything anymore. We expect it to be dropped in our laps.

My wife and I have an amazing relationship, but I won't lie and say that it has been all peaches. It has been very hard at times not to give it up with the excuse that I'm fooling myself and things won't change or get better. The harder you work for something, the more you appreciate it!

As for settling, there is a certain amount of settling that everyone has to do. It is part of life, not everyone will be king, not everyone will be rich, not everyone will be famous. The question is, do you search your whole life for something and not find exactly what you are looking for or do you "settle" with a little less a work toward what will make you happy. I'm not saying that you should keep the first relationship you come across, just not rule out one just because it is not perfect or exactly what you want. I can guarantee that you are not EXACTLY what you SO wants!

Locs

Ok. My answer to most everything is "Its all relative". This rings so true with about everything.

For instance, my ex-g/f (mother of my daughter) is now married with an asshole husband. He has hit her, he is OVER-controling, and very jealous. Hell he forbids her from speaking to friends, and even family members. But in her mind, she can make the relationship work. "He is not perfect, but I can make it work", she says. She is bascially in denial, and fooling herself into "thinking" she is happy. So in THIS instance I still think my thoughts are true.

But like I said, its all relative.

I guess I am a romantic at heart, and still do believe that if you have to work VERY hard at a relationship, it isnt worth it.

It is like a video game (I love games), and if you find yourself doing more WORK than actually enjoying yourself, it isnt a GAME anymore, its a job. For me relationships are suppose to fun, enjoying your life with another, not a job.

Do not get me wrong, there ARE ups and downs, but there is a fine line between working to make a relationship better, and forcing yourself to be happy with someone.

Ian G.

I agree with the original poster.

I'm interested to see what starts happening to baby boomers in 20 years when many are in old age and one spouse starts needing more care, such as bathing, feeding, getting dressed, having diapers changed, having their bum wiped, etc. Are there going to be large numbers of separations or divorces because the healthy spouse does not wish to become a caregiver?

Today's elderly couples spent most of their lives in a time where separation and divorce were rarely even considered. The health failure of one spouse becomes a great burden on the other, yet almost all these couples tough it out. What will happen in 20 years when one spouse becomes a serious burden to the other?

daneo

Looking around at my friends and me and our stupid "We're 20 and almost adults, but not quite" behaviour I must say that I am kind of stupefied by hte amount of relationships that come and go. I must say that I'm a romantic at heart and dream about that one girl, but she isn't really there at the moment. Does that mean for me that I should not get around, try to get to know new girls and maybe, just MAYBE find the one? No, actually that's stupid. I think for some part these lesser relationships are good at preparing you for "the real life" when you settle down, get kids etc. at which point you damn better behave. You have responsibilites then. Again, just talking from my own, 20 year-old experience...

Jizz-Fritter

People today are afraid of intimacy, and we don't really have to grow up until the end or even after college.

Not 150 years ago, adulthood began at 12. But over time childhood was extended "because important people wanted it that way." Check out John Gatto's book.

__________________
"Principle is okay up to a certain point, but principle doesn't do any good if you lose." Dick Cheney

imkeen

As you mature and grow older, as they typically go together, you realize that life is all compromise, and nothing is black and white, good or bad, right or wrong. Relationships are rarely ALL good or ALL bad. And they certainly shouldn't be solely based on the views of one side of the relationship. It is CRITICAL that both parties participate, roughly equally (averaged) in a relationship or it will die.

My relationship with my wife is tumultuous at times, but we keep each other in check. We find the middle ground and find compromise, even if we scream at each other.

When you're young, don't compromise, look for your ideal. If you have a personality which compromises and accommodates people, you will find your ideal quickly and live happily ever after. If you don't, you will search a long time, and you MAY find your ideal, for now, and want to move on to the next ideal, since it is likely that to meet your ideal, the other party will have to sacrifice parts of their identity to fulfill your ideal. Then once you get over this, you will compromise and accommodate, and find lots of GREAT people in your life, including your new, more realistic ideal.

CityOfAngels

Love really is a two-sided sword, in many ways more than one.

Love can bring you happiness when you're with your significant other. Yet it can bring you into a deep depression when you lose that person, and have no hope of rekindling what you've once had.

Love is a necessity; it is clinically proven that without love and compassion, we can die. Yet if you have too much of it, you can tire of it and build up unrealistic expectations that never seem to be fulfilled.

Love is all about trust and giving from the bottom of your heart. Yet if you're the only one contributing in those factors, your relationship is doomed.

Your love is pure and completely unselfish. Yet you'll always find people who don't want anything to do with it.

The reason I mention love so much is because it is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Without love, it's just sex; just fun and no heart. Yes, I agree that if you're committed to a relationship that you should work on it until it is absolutely, definitely hopeless. But that's just the thing; sometimes it is hopeless. The main thing that makes certain relationships hopeless is the misunderstanding of what love really is. A person can tell you that he/she loves you when what they really love is your sex, wealth, or image. They construe love to be a selfish tool, when it's really a selfless leap of faith. Because they see it as a selfish tool, they have this mindset that they can always do better. When in fact they're right; they CAN always do better, but love doesn't care what and who is better than whom. Love is completely dependant on the person you love, not yourself.

I'd be willing to bet that most divorces are the product of a selfish relationship where at least one person decides that they've finally reached the tier above their spouse. It is when all these tiers and goals and wishes don't mean anything anymore that you know that you are truly in love.

__________________
The words "love" and "life" go together. It is almost as if they are one. You must love to live, and you must live to love, or you have never lived nor loved at all.

little_tippler

I couldn't have said it better myself...god it's good to see that I'm not alone in thinking this way. What I don't understand is how some people could NOT see this for it's simplicity? Life really isn't all that complicated if you're willing to give a little too.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918