timalkin

This is really long, but I've got to get it out.

I've recently come to the conclusion that I don't ever want to date another girl as long as I live. I know that many guys say this after a hard breakup, but I've actually put a lot of thought into this during the past 4 or 5 months since the love of my life of 4.5 years threw me away like so much garbage.

The biggest reason for my decision to never date again is that I can never trust another girl with my heart. I shared everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, with my ex-girlfriend. I am not a trusting person by nature, but I thought I finally found someone that I could love and share all of my secrets with. This girl is the one person in the entire world who knows everything about me. She was my best friend and lover, but soon after I graduated college she decided that her career was more important than me and that she didn't want to consider me in any of her decisions about her life. This sudden revelation was a complete shock and came after years of her saying how much she loved me and wanted to get married and grow old together. What can you say to something like that? There's nothing you can do or say that would change anything.

Everybody I know tells me that I'll eventually get over it and want to date again. The truth is that I sometimes think about what it would be like to date someone else, but all I have to do is remind myself that no matter how much you think you know somebody, they can just throw you away, even when they're so in love with you that they cry tears of happiness. This reminder quickly kills any thoughts of dating another girl, and I strive to never forget this important life lesson. It's gotten to the point where I don't even look at or talk to attractive girls outside of work. It's like that part of my human experience no longer exists. I'm just dead inside, and I'm grateful for this lack of feeling.

I've always wanted to get married to a nice girl, buy a decent house, and raise some good kids. I wanted to find someone that I could give all of my love to and receive all of their love in return. That image is totally shattered now. I don't understand how marriages work. What keeps two people dedicated to each other for the rest of their lives? What prevents one half from chasing after the hot new guy/girl or the great new career opportunity that comes along? You're wife or husband may say how devoted they are to you, but there's nothing stopping them from just destroying your heart and leaving you in an empty house. I don't ever want to feel like I did that day.

My parents got divorced under similiar circumstances, and I hear about other similiar situations a lot. There is even a current thread called "She said she wants to separate" that deals with this same issue. I'm usually pretty good about learning from other people's mistakes, but I guess I thought I was somehow different. Divorce is one of the worst things in the entire world, especially for kids. At least I was dropped before we were married.

Anyway, the point to this whole thread is that I now understand that there are many more worse things than being alone. I could have an STD, I could have caught the love of my life cheating on me, I could have children that would be affected by their mother picking up and leaving, etc. I've resigned myself to living alone for the rest of my life, going to the movies alone, going to eat at restaurants alone, sleeping in a dark house alone, and trying my best not to show how absolutely fucking bitter I am when I see a married or dating couple happily living their lives together. I just don't understand how it works.

When you see that lone guy sitting in the theater or restaurant by himself, don't look down on him and talk about how weird he is. Just realize that it could be the guy who had his delicate heart stomped on and doesn't ever want to trust somebody else with it. Hell, you might even be looking at me.

I'm not looking for pity or sympathy. I just want to know if there is anybody else out there who has come to the same conclusion that I have and are successfully living with it. It sucks to realize that you'll never know what it's like to have kids and be a great father to them, but just thinking about that fateful day tells me that there are worse things than being alone. I really want to tell my mother how sorry I am that she'll never have grandchildren, but I know if I did she'd just tell me I'm being stupid and I'll get over it.

I don't ever want to get over it.

It feels good to get this off my chest. Thanks for listening.

__________________
Trinity: "What do you need?"

Neo: "Guns. Lots of guns."

-The Matrix

Irishsean

I felt the same way after I got shredded by my fiance. Swore off women and stayed true to it for the last 6 years or so. Then I met my current SO and everything changed. I didn't change, it just happened, and I couldn't be happier. No matter how much scar tissue you cover your heart with, the right person will find their way thru it.

__________________
There are no absolute rules of conduct, either in peace or war. Everything depends on circumstances.
Leon Trotsky

Lockjaw

I read your post and while I can't argue with a lot of it because that's how you feel right now and who am I to tell you how to feel....BUT
That above stuck out to me a lot. To say you don't think you'll ever get over it is one thing...but to say you DON'T want to get over it says you have given up. It's ok to take time to heal but you owe it to yourself to allow life to work itself out.
Saying you don't want to heal is like if your friend broke your arm you continuely refracture it so the betrayal will be fresh everyday through the pain you are feeling.
At a point it no longer is about what your friend has done to you it's about what you are doing to yourself. All I ask is that you don't actively reject love if it comes it comes if not it doesn't. If you no longer want to seek it fine but if it finds you don't turn your back on it. Because I can't think of a worse fate than on your death bed thinking back on your life and what could have been and being saddened by it because of a choice you made in your 20s and never let yourself back away from that choice.

Good luck man and may things work out for you be it with a woman that will reciprocate your love or by yourself with no regrets.

thed00t

Dude, give it time. I know it's cliche, and I know you've heard it.

Don't rush it though. Your attitude is _slightly_ healthy. Instead listen to bullshit songs and think of the way things were.

Look at it this way. You love being in love. It's not the girl, it's the feeling. Just you just associate that feeling with that girl. So mourn her for as long as you have to. Listen to some Dido, followed by some angry music... and you WILL get over it.

Don't let some chick who dumped you rule your life. You'll regret it.

iamnormal

See, This is what happens when you tell them about the bodies buried in the back yard. Some secrets they don't need to know.

Rlyss

(I'm not attempting to change your mind with my post, I thought I'd just say what's on my mind.)

A few weeks ago I wrote a post in Tilted Living about how I'd recently lost almost everything in my life, at least that's how it felt at the time. My relationship wasn't nearly as long as yours, mine was a year and a half, but it devastated me.

Nowadays I still feel lonely, I still feel anger and resentment and bitterness, and God knows I still feel like I should call her up and beg her to come back, but I just live those days out and look forwards to the times like I felt today (see my Seasonal Scents post in General Discussion).

I'm slowly realizing three things that your post mentioned: even if you don't want to let it go, I think chances are you will. Time heals all wounds, mostly whether you like it or not.

Second, you say that some things are worse than being alone. That is true, but it's also true that there are many things better than being alone. Those four years of your life were better than being alone. That's the bright side.

And third, you are not responsible for your female hairdresser's bad end to a good relationship. That also means that she is not responsible or to blame for your bad relationships. And it also means that the next woman you meet at a bar, or in the library, or at a dinner party... she is not to blame a bad ending to your good relationship. She deserves a chance with somebody like you, who is dedicated, loving, and loyal.

timalkin

I appreciate all of the replys. I just don't see how I could ever trust someone enough to marry them. I guess that's what a prenup is for, right?

It shouldn't be too hard to stay away from girls as it is. It's not like I've got girls beating down my door.

__________________
Trinity: "What do you need?"

Neo: "Guns. Lots of guns."

-The Matrix

Lockjaw

Yes the prenup is your friend...use it.
And while you might not have women scratching your door down you owe it to yourself to take the opportunity when it presents itself and it will.

tman17m

my g/f of 2 years recently broke up with me....she said "i just dont love you anymore"...just like that

just know that, there are many many people out there that have similar experiences, feel your pain and sympathize with you.

its been a very hard month for me, but, i just keep on telling myself that everyone has shit to deal with, and that i am strong willed and will not let this break me. i know that when the time comes, the right person will be there for me. but for now, hell im 21, im gonna go out and have some fun...how old are you?....sounds like youre about the same age.
i suggest you do the same.
things that have helped me the most are talking to other people about it...anyone...my sister, parents, friends ect. other things that have helped are to find other things that you like to do to fill all that time that you used to spend with her. i go run, lift, bike, climb, paint, study, read, drive....ect....if you spend all of your time at home wallowing in everything then yes it is going to suck.

and believe me i know its so hard, im still strugglin through the same shit....but one of the defining characteristics of humans is dealing with tough situations in a productive manner. yes, i said productive. ive seen this same thing happen to some of my friends, and instead of being productive, they would party all the time, goto strip clubs ect. now they are alcoholics and their life is a complete disaster. dont put yourself through that, you already have enough to deal with.

good luck

tom

mandal

as many people have noted, it's not something you can "see." It will just happen. I say if you are happy alone then that's great, but if it's a matter of feeling that you will not be able to ever trust anyone in your life again that's a different story. The stereotypical quote goes " trust isn't free, it's something earned." Basically if you meet a nice girl, you don't HAVE to give her everything right away. just take things easy and protect yourself a bit. Eventually though you will/should find that you will begin to trust her and from there you will rebuild the trust again. Like i said you don't have to see it, just make sure you don't close your eyes to it and block out every girl that comes along.