timalkin

This is really long, but I've got to get it out.

I've recently come to the conclusion that I don't ever want to date another girl as long as I live. I know that many guys say this after a hard breakup, but I've actually put a lot of thought into this during the past 4 or 5 months since the love of my life of 4.5 years threw me away like so much garbage.

The biggest reason for my decision to never date again is that I can never trust another girl with my heart. I shared everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, with my ex-girlfriend. I am not a trusting person by nature, but I thought I finally found someone that I could love and share all of my secrets with. This girl is the one person in the entire world who knows everything about me. She was my best friend and lover, but soon after I graduated college she decided that her career was more important than me and that she didn't want to consider me in any of her decisions about her life. This sudden revelation was a complete shock and came after years of her saying how much she loved me and wanted to get married and grow old together. What can you say to something like that? There's nothing you can do or say that would change anything.

Everybody I know tells me that I'll eventually get over it and want to date again. The truth is that I sometimes think about what it would be like to date someone else, but all I have to do is remind myself that no matter how much you think you know somebody, they can just throw you away, even when they're so in love with you that they cry tears of happiness. This reminder quickly kills any thoughts of dating another girl, and I strive to never forget this important life lesson. It's gotten to the point where I don't even look at or talk to attractive girls outside of work. It's like that part of my human experience no longer exists. I'm just dead inside, and I'm grateful for this lack of feeling.

I've always wanted to get married to a nice girl, buy a decent house, and raise some good kids. I wanted to find someone that I could give all of my love to and receive all of their love in return. That image is totally shattered now. I don't understand how marriages work. What keeps two people dedicated to each other for the rest of their lives? What prevents one half from chasing after the hot new guy/girl or the great new career opportunity that comes along? You're wife or husband may say how devoted they are to you, but there's nothing stopping them from just destroying your heart and leaving you in an empty house. I don't ever want to feel like I did that day.

My parents got divorced under similiar circumstances, and I hear about other similiar situations a lot. There is even a current thread called "She said she wants to separate" that deals with this same issue. I'm usually pretty good about learning from other people's mistakes, but I guess I thought I was somehow different. Divorce is one of the worst things in the entire world, especially for kids. At least I was dropped before we were married.

Anyway, the point to this whole thread is that I now understand that there are many more worse things than being alone. I could have an STD, I could have caught the love of my life cheating on me, I could have children that would be affected by their mother picking up and leaving, etc. I've resigned myself to living alone for the rest of my life, going to the movies alone, going to eat at restaurants alone, sleeping in a dark house alone, and trying my best not to show how absolutely fucking bitter I am when I see a married or dating couple happily living their lives together. I just don't understand how it works.

When you see that lone guy sitting in the theater or restaurant by himself, don't look down on him and talk about how weird he is. Just realize that it could be the guy who had his delicate heart stomped on and doesn't ever want to trust somebody else with it. Hell, you might even be looking at me.

I'm not looking for pity or sympathy. I just want to know if there is anybody else out there who has come to the same conclusion that I have and are successfully living with it. It sucks to realize that you'll never know what it's like to have kids and be a great father to them, but just thinking about that fateful day tells me that there are worse things than being alone. I really want to tell my mother how sorry I am that she'll never have grandchildren, but I know if I did she'd just tell me I'm being stupid and I'll get over it.

I don't ever want to get over it.

It feels good to get this off my chest. Thanks for listening.

__________________
Trinity: "What do you need?"

Neo: "Guns. Lots of guns."

-The Matrix