BigDonkey2

I have quite a dilemma on my hands. My girlfriend is in France right now for the semester. I've been telling her that I wanted to come visit her and that I would try my best. Well its come down to crunch time and I'm having a tough decision. She told me she would split my airfare with me as an early Christmas present, which was really nice to hear. However, the place she is staying at won't allow overnight visitors to stay, so that means I would have to rent a hotel room, which she said she'd also split with me.

Here is where it gets kinda tough. I really want to go and all but I just can't afford it. I've been emailing her telling her that I'm going to make plans and that I'm trying my best to visit. I just really cannot afford it and I have other expenses to pay (personal trainer). I emailed her yesterday and told her that I don't think that I'd be coming. I got to talk to her on the phone today and she was really disappointed. I felt really bad saying that I wanted to come and all and now I just can't. I by no means was leading her on, however, I did tell her I'd do my best to come. I just can't afford it right now.

I know she feels really sad and disappointed. She didn't want to talk about it because it would've made her cry. I just got a couple letters in the mail from her today and those made me really happy. I know I can get through this its just going to be tough. I did however have another plan to kind of make up for this one. I've been thinking about it since before she left, so its not really a make up plan, just sort of a backup (or additional plan if I did go). I was planning to fly up to her house the day before she comes back (shes in NorCal I'm in SoCal but we got to the same school) and surprise her by picking her up at the airport. I think it would really make her happy.

It would cost me with airfare, hotel, and travel expenses well over $500 to go visit her in France and I only have around $900 in the bank, plus I have a hefty sized personal trainer bill to pay off. I feel like I kind of led her on but I had no intentions of doing so. I sent her some letters last week and hopefully those will cheer her up. I know shes having a great time. We just both miss each other really much. Its really hard to be away from the one you love for so long. I get emails from her like 3 times a week (whenever she goes to school) and talk to her 2 times a week.

I guess I'm looking for advice/comments not so much on what to do but what to say to her to make her feel better. I'm going tomorrow to look for a stuffed animal and card to send to her becuase I really feel bad about this. Should I feel really bad or should I just shrug it off as no big deal? I know shes pretty sad and disappointed. I'm just kind of confused on what to do.

Thanks in advance everybody.

maleficent

Card and stuffed animal won't replace you, but at least it shows her you were thinking about her... Tell her exactly what you wrote.. It was honest, you just can't afford to go, you are acollege student wiht expenses.

She'll undersand...

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Squishor

No, don't shrug it off as no big deal. You're in a relationship because you like and care about each other, right? There are few other places in life you will get the kind of attention to your feelings that comes from this type of relationship. Don't undermine that - it's a precious thing.

gar1976

Shoot, for an opportunity like this, jump on it. Anyone you can borrow from? Shit, borrow $50 from each friend you have and go. This sounds like a once-in-a-lifetime thing, don't watch it float buy and then dream about it later. Have you considered hitting up your parents? Check with your mom first and sell her on the idea. Once you've got her convinced (if she likes your girlfriend, she'll think it's the most romantic thing ever and that you're a regular Don Juan) she'll badger your dad into giving you the cash.

Europe, man. Europe. With a hot chick. What could be better?

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Blistex, in regards to crappy games -

They made pong look like a story driven RPG with a dynamic campaign.

BigDonkey2

Already talked to my parents about this. My mom doesn't really want me to go because she is afraid that I would miss something for baseball and/or school. My dad told me it was up to me to make the decision and that if I think I can afford it then I should go. My parents are strapped for cash as it is already. They've been helping me out a lot, so I can't really hit them up for cash. I really want to go, but I'm afraid that I just can't. I know its a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and I would really love to go, but I can't afford it plain and simple. If I could've stayed with her I would've totally went. Then I would've only spent like $275 on airfare. I can afford $275, I can't afford over $500.

winnower

$225 on hotel while you're there? Go to the travel section of your local bookstore and look at a Let's Go Europe/France book, or a Lonely Planet book. They should have some cheap hostels listed there. Or maybe your girlfriend can find somebody with a floor you can crash on.

Where there's a will, there's a way.

BigDonkey2

Its either I spend all my money to go visit her in France or I surprise her and pick her up at the airport when she comes back and bring her lots of flowers and decorate her room all romanticly. She said there was a cheap hotel down the street but I dont think that will change my mind. Neither of us can afford a hotel. I have no source of income and the job I work is for my work study at school. Basically if I go I'll come home broke with a large personal trainer bill to pay. I know there will be another chance for me to go back to France someday, I just dont know when.

Menoman

It isnt too hard to sneaky into someplace and stay the night, I know they don't do room to room checks, just go at like 2 or 3 o`clock. When its like 6 or 7 have her go out and walk around a bit, if anyone asks she can be like oh he left a little bit ago. But you stay in the room. If they hadn't seen you in the first place then they won't ask her about you anyway. I bet she could ask some of the other people in other rooms and stuff if they've ever had someone stay with them, get some tips and stuff from them and she can ask them how difficult it is to hide someone in the room.

If its like those American efficiency apartments then it won't be a big deal, I know for sure they don't check for people, and the other tenants are sure to not rat you out coz I bet they do the same things.

********But if she is there for education and she could possibly get kicked out for doing that, it isnt worth the risk.**********

But hell, if its on a docking system and she will get docked some points, then whatever, I'd go for it. She stays on good behavior and doesnt get too many docks she'll be fine.

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Menoman

Honestly, with all your replies, it doesnt sound like you really really want to go. If you have 900$ in your bank buy the ticket, get her to get the cheap ass hotel,if its anything like a days inn or a hospitality inn (or as in my last reply just sneak in). it's gonna be less than 50 bucks to stay the night. So the ticket will cost you probably 100 bucks for your half of it. The hotel will be 50 bucks for 2 nights, for your half.

So even if you buy the dinners and lunches for both days, you looking at 250 bucks. You probably don't have a 650$ personal trainer bill, so it'll leave you with good enough cash when you get back.

That's just my analysis though. I probably don't have all the facts.

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DJ Happy

Overdraft? When I was student my bank offered me a 750 pound interest-free overdraft that I had to pay back within a year of graduating. Do they not offer the same facility in the States?

kutulu

they make these things called credit cards....

Averett

Screw the personal trainer. What's more important to you, the personal trainer or your girlfriend? You said you've got $900, but that personal trainer bill. Is that something you can work around?

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Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

pig

If you truthfully do really want to go, then you can make it happen. If you don't want to go, then confront that. However, assuming that you do want to go, I would suggest getting on travelocity, travelzoo, expedia, etc, and putting in a super lowbid for your ticket. You never know what you'll get...I've stayed in $200/night hotels for $20 using those services. For the hotel -> you're in college -> hostel, as someone said above. Cheap as all get out. No privacy, but cheap beds and you'll meet people. What part of France is she in? Sure you can go to France sometime, but you won't be in college (makes a difference) and you won't be visiting your girlfriend. This way she gets to have that warm-fuzzy "My boyfriend came to see me, he loves me, kittens are dancing in my soul" experience, and she gets to show off how worldly she is in the foreign country.

All I'm saying is good times are to be had, don't let $$$ stand in the way of making this happen.

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You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

Schwan

Europe offers a lot of ways to live for much less money the you suggest. The hard part is getting here. If your GF knows someone in France, I'm sure you'll find a place to crash, because that's the way it's done here. Staying in a hotel? Meh. Any european student will tell you that a hotel is the last place to stay. Check out the hostels and student lodgings. They might not have all (or any) luxuries, but for that kind of money, I'm sure you'll find something. The point is... do dyou really want to go?

BigDonkey2

Theres more to this personal trainer that to just say screw it. I know he'll let me pay him later, but this is somthing that I've been working towards my whole life. I want to become a professional baseball player and I've been working on this goal all my life. This year is my year to get drafted. If I wasn't so involved in getting drafted I wouldn't have a personal trainer in the first place. I really want to make this happen and she's making me feel bad for not coming. I got an email saying "I know you love me blah blah blah" and "I guess you don't understand and there is a difference between living here and taking a little vacation." That doesnt make me feel any better about this. I already feel like shit for telling her that I'm not going to go. I'll email her later today and see what she can do. This whole thing is really stressing me out. I know that if I dont go then I would go pick her up at the airport for sure. I would hope that would make up for not going, but somehow I don't think it will, but I know it would be a nice surprise. Her letters say one thing but her emails say another. Her letters say that its ok if I dont come and we'll come another time but her email says that I don't understand and that I'm being practical by staying here to payoff my trainer and all that stuff. She really has me confused right now.

gar1976

If you're good enough to get drafted, the Yankees should offer you a cash signing bonus. Get an agent and get cracking!

__________________
Blistex, in regards to crappy games -

They made pong look like a story driven RPG with a dynamic campaign.

BigDonkey2

I was planning on staying for a week. The plane ticket is around $550 roundtrip. So the ticket would cost me $275 and a hotel at $40/night would cost $280 ($140 if she pays half). So thats over $400 for me just for flight and hotel, not including travel expenses. If the whole thing cost $250 I would've had this situation in the first place. My training bill by the time I leave will prolly be close to $500 if not more, and that's if I don't pay him at all (and my parents don't help me out). Basically its $300/month to pay him off. So that definately puts a damper on the mood.

Cimarron29414

Don't take this the wrong way, but I would really love to bitch-slap you back into reality.

When you are making $10M a year for the Yankees and she's on your arm one night at the Ritz Carlton as you introduce her to Trump.....

DO YOU THINK SHE IS GOING TO CARE WHETHER YOU WENT TO FRANCE FOR A WEEK!

Let me tell you a little story:

My dad tried out for the St. Louis Cardinals (1957). He went for a weekend tryout and made Friday cuts, and Saturday cuts. He skipped Sunday and went back home because he was missing his girlfriend. Incidently, said girlfriend is NOT my mother, his wife. So, do you think my dad goes back and thinks "Yeah, that chick was really worth losing my baseball dream."

However, if the reality of the issue is that you don't have a snowball's chance in Hell at getting drafted (and your heart knows the answer to this question), then quit wasting your money and your parents' money on a selfish pipe dream, go to frickin' France, and shag under the Eiffel Tower! More importantly, when you get back, you better post the story of it back in here!

BigDonkey2

My brother was drafted two years ago in the 2nd round to the Astros. I have a really really good chance (almost 100% positive) that I will be drafted. I've been looked at by scouts and have filled out paperwork for them as well. My brother and I have been working all our lives to get to this point. He is there and I'm on my way. I've been looking at both sides for the past few days. I think that if I save my money and go pick her up at the airport and surprise her with flowers and all that good shit it will make her happy. I still dont know. I'm waiting on a reply from her.

Averett

I'm assuming you've explained this all to her, right? If she really loves you, she'll support you with trying to get drafted. Sure, she'll be disappointed that you can't visit. But she should support you with your dream as well.

Besides, if you do get drafted, theres is a huge chance that you'll be sent somewhere where she won't be. Causing more distance. Either you two will make the relationship work, or you wont. Time will tell. But right now you've got to get this girl on the phone and have a good long talk about things.

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Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

kutulu

Congrats on the baseball family. Are you in college ball right now? Teams like to think that talent runs in the family so having a bro that went in the second round definitely increases your chances of getting drafted with a descent signing bonus. Please, for the love of baseball don't join forces with Scott Boras!

Back to the trip, since the personal trainer is for an actual career purpose (not just to look good for the ladies) don't screw him over. He could be an integral part in making it. Do you have a credit card? If you do, charge it and pay it off $20/month till you can afford to take care of it all. How far away is the trip? If you have enough time you might be able to apply for one and use it to get you there.

I know a lot of people say to not charge fun but this is sort of a once in a lifetime deal?

Cimarron29414

With all due respect, going to France is not a once in a lifetime thing. Unless you guys are al quaeda and know something that I don't. France will be there long after she returns, you become a star baseball player, and can take your personal jet to the French Riveira any time you want.

Dude, priorities. Your personal trainer is doing his job (on loan I might add), so you do yours: Pay your trainer, concentrate on your baseball and see your girlfriend when she gets home. Flowers and a $1M signing bonus go a long way at saying "I'm sorry."

You are living 99% of all men's personal fantasy - the chance to play your favorite sport for a living! If you dick this up, I WILL come and bitch slap you!

Remember my dad - and keep your damn head in the game!

BigDonkey2

Thanks for all the replies guys. I've made my decision and I'm not going to go. I really can't afford it. Like Cimarron29414 said, France will always be there. This is my time to shine and I can't let down. I'll surprise her by picking her up at the airport when she comes back. Thats the most feasible plan as of now.

pig

BigDonkey,

As a quick follow up, allow me to make one final suggestion. I know you've made your decision, and I think it's the right one for you. If that little voice in your head is comfortable with it, then it's what you should do. I would suggest that when you speak to your girlfriend about the final decision, if you haven't already, that you focus on the fact that you're really focused on the draft issue, and that you don't feel that you can take the time off to leave the country after all the work you've put into making this happen, rather than making it all about the $$$. It sounds to me like the money is secondary, and the real situation here is that you have two "once in a lifetime opportunities" - one is your committment to getting drafted, making the pros - the other is visiting your girlfriend in France while she's on her semester abroad. The fact is that you've worked for the first one since you were about this ( | |) high. If you're that deep in the process, your girlfriend should be able to understand that it's just not a good time for you to take a week off in Europe. She's pursuing something she wants to do in Europe, and you're pursuing your dream here, and it just won't work this time. Shit, I'll bet if you went you'd be freaked out the whole time, and the two of you would end up arguing about stupid shit constantly.

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You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

BigDonkey2

She understands why I can't come but she is upset at the fact that I was telling her that I would do anything to come visit and then I just changed my mind. She already took the money she was saving for me and went out and bought herself some clothes. She doesn't want to talk about it anymore because it will make her upset even more as well as myself. I talked to her on the phone this morning and she seemed to sound pretty good. Its just one of those decisions I have to make. She says that I'll never be able to make up for not going, but I think surprising her at the airport will be my best shot at redeeming myself.

Cimarron29414

You made the right choice. Her feelings are hurt now, and that will subside.

You are honoring your commitment to trainer, parents and self - you should be proud of the fact that you were not frivolous.

It is my great hope that your draft comes through, and that your girlfriend will come to realize the sacrifice you made.

Best of luck!

pig

sounds to me like you didn't just change your mind, but agonized over making a tough decision, and in the end made the one you could live with. you might not ever be able to make up for not going, but at the same time, it wouldn't have worked if the only reason you went was because you felt guilty.

seconds on the best wishes on the draft.

oh yeah, and seriously, what part of france is she in? i lived in Nancy for a while when I was a younger man

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You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

toxic515

Big Donkey: I'm a bit of a ltecomer to this thread, but congratulations. There are many many reasons why it's my opinion that this is probably the right decision, including my first marriage when I gave up a fantastic opportunity for my own career. I'm married to a different woman now, and rather happy, but financially, I regret the path that I chose. In all likelihood had I moved forward in the other direction, I'd have met my current wife earlier, and we'd ALL be in better shape.

Good job, and good luck.

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Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies
like a banana.

BigDonkey2

Yea, I think if I went after agonizing over this so long I wouldn't have had a good time. I'd be too afraid to spend money and would not be happy. But that's done with now. I know she'll be sad for a little while but I can't make everything perfect, although I try to. I sent her an e-card saying I love you, so maybe that will cheer her up. I know she won't forget this either. Hopefully she won't forget me picking her up at the airport as the best alternative I could find.

She's in Marseille for the semester. She is traveling all over though while she is there. She already went to Nice and booked a flight to London and Scotland during October. Her best freind is actually in Italy for the year with her boyfriend, so she's going to go visit her sometime in November.

BCD

I know it is probably too late, since your girl has already spent her money on clothes, but I think you've made a big mistake. Unless this relatively quick trip would cause you to miss a tryout or something really important to your being drafted, I see no legitimate reason for you to miss out on this opportunity. I think you and Cimmaron should realize that just b/c you take this trip, it does not mean that you will not be drafted. At least you haven't stated any reason why this would be the case.

And I know Cimmaron points out that France will always be there, but what is the likelihood of you getting to go to France this cheap to visit with someone you love? I'm 33 years old and haven't had that chance. My parents who can afford to go haven't found the opportunity in 60 years to go to Europe.

I'm also afraid with this attitude, you will likely find that you'll never have enough money, or enough time, etc., etc., etc., to do a trip to France or other stuff that is exciting as hell but takes you out of your comfort zone. Not to be obnoxiously corny, b/c that's not my style, but you would remember this trip for the rest of your life. Too many times in my life I have been afraid to pull the trigger on stuff like this for "practical" reasons like lack of money. On the rare occasions when I've simply said "fuck it" and got the courage to throw caution to the wind (which, thankfully, I'm forcing myself to do more often as of late), I have had the best times of my life and the money thing ALWAYS freakin' works out.

If it really is not too late, I would talk with the trainer - who I bet knows your situation, is commited to you and your desire to get drafted, and recognizes that you will properly remember his dedication to you when you do get drafted and have some more cash and the notoriety to get him some good PR and more business - and tell him about your issue and see what he says. Hell, I'm not rich, but I'll kick in $50 for the trip. I bet others would do the same.

And BTW, I don't know everything there is to know about chicks (although I've been happily married for seven years and had many healthy relationships before that), but I can tell you that you flying up to greet her at the airport won't mean half as much as you coming over there. It will probably irk her that you could come up with the cash to fly up to visit her in the states, but not to come over to France. It might also confirm in her mind the suspicion I'm sure she has that you really didn't try that hard or really didn't want to come visit her in France. I am now stepping off of my soapbox.

BigDonkey2

I think if I did go I would be really cautious about spending my money and in turn not have as good as a time than if I had a lot of money to spend. We will find time to go again. Whether it be next year or in a few years we will go, when money is not an option.

About the flying up part. I can afford to spend $80 on a roundtrip ticket up to her place. I can't afford to spend over $400 on airfare and hotel and come back with pennies in the bank and a huge friggin debt to pay off. I have no source of income whatesoever. I have a workstudy job to help pay for school. So the only income I have is the gas money my parents give me to drive to the gym. There will always be another time for us to go. There is a big difference between $80 and $400. Besides, I think its the best alternative that I can come up with since I can't go. I also thought to myself, why would I go all the way over to France and not be able to spend the night with my girlfriend? I know she would probably sleep with me at the hotel but she has her own friggin room, which the lady won't let me stay in because she doesn't allow overnight visitors. Its kind of ridiculous that I would have to buy a hotel room to spend the night with my girlfriend, even if she did pay for half of it, it would be silly. If I could've stayed with her for free I would've totally gone.