HalcyonDaze

Of course, every girl thinks she's fat sometimes, so maybe a general guideline can be provided. My girlfriend, specifically, thinks she's fat ALL the time. I can state with 100% certainty that her stomach is flat, she's in good shape... really, her body is amazing (of course, I'm a tad biased). In fact, I'm so certain that she's the most beautiful girl I know that I get extremely frustrated when she's going on about her body. Today she skipped class because she "felt so fat that I didn't want anyone to see me." We have tension in our relationship sometimes because she gets in horribly depressed moods and I just don't know what to do or say to her.

My question is, how do I treat her when she's in one of these funks? Raving about her beauty hasn't done me any good, and neither has getting angry and going through a step-by-step dissection of why every negative opinion she has about her body is wrong (that one was dumb on my part). I just want her to feel better soon and do what I can to get her there.

Y2KDREAD

Maybe point out other girls who are fat, and comment on how much better she looks than them. The best would be if you could find one of those gilrs with a beer belly who wear those tight mid-drift shirts, get a comparison and show how she is NOT fat.

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Cynthetiq

nothing you say or do is going to make her self image change. it's up to her to make that self image change...

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bermuDa

try aversion therapy; every time she says she's fat, smack her with one of these
/jk

seriously I think this obsession with self image is sickening, she should realize that thinking you're fat is NO excuse to avoid social interaction.

REAL fat people get along just fine. She should be happy with how she looks, and if she's not, she should do something about it rather than hide from other people who don't really care what she looks like (seriously, I'm a student and I don't give a shit how anyone looks, let alone myself... as long as we're all clothed and clean we've met the major requirements of being in public) who is she trying to impress anyways?

is this a constant thing or is she menstruating? Sometimes that can... skew one's perspective. If she actually believes this and is consistent about it, maybe she should seek therapy.

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SecretMethod70

Sounds to me like she may have the psychological roots of an eating disorder to be honest. Especially if she's as in-shape as you say she is

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gariig

I'm going with therapy. If feeling fat is affecting her life, then there is some serious problems going on. I would see if she can't talk to one of the school therapist about it. It's free and it's about the only thing they are good for.

CityOfAngels

eh...
I've experienced this before, and I must say it's a warped self-esteem issue, in which she doesn't actually think she's fat, but rather doesn't feel beautiful unless people compliment her all the time. This is what I told her: "Look. You and I both know you're not fat, and I personally see you as the most beautiful woman on earth. Every time you say 'I'm fat' or ask 'Am I fat?', I will ignore you, and you can take my ignoring you as me saying, 'No, sweety. You're not fat.'" For about a few weeks, she started to ask more than usual, but after that, she completely stopped asking.

iamnormal

You like going out with someone who lies? She's lying about what she looks like so what else is she lying about?

SecretMethod70

you're kidding, right?

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maleficent

I'd agree with this assessment... What are her eating habits like?

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absorbentishe

Thinking she's over weight all the time will be leading her in a deadly direction. She needs to talk to someone, and not you. There is nothing you can do or say that will make her feel better. My wife has suffered from both types of eating disorders for years, and it's not fun to go through. She's better now, but it's also medically controlled. She has good days, and bad days, but the meds have helped. Except she can't loose any weight, which is a side effect of the meds.

maleficent

If a person has an eating disorder, tehy aren't lying about what they look like, I don't fully understand it myself, I just know what someone I knew went thru, she'd look in a mirror and not see what you and I would see, she would see a distorted image of herself.... It's not lying at all.

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Averett

I'll be the third in line to say What The Fuck? It's not lying, she has a problem.

A lot of girls (and guys too for that matter) will sometimes look at themselves and think "damn I'm getting fat." But when somebody constantly thinks they're fat and they are so obviously not, then they have a problem. HalcyonDaze, there isn't much you can do to help her yourself. It sounds like she'll need professional help. The only thing you can do is to continue to be supportive.

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smooth

There isn't any mention of any behaviors that would allow anyone here to diagnose her with an eating disorder--that's just pure speculation. Without actual behaviors indicating an eating disorder, CityOfAngels may be right on the money that the girlfriend is denigrating herself so other people will be compelled to compliment her.


While iamnormal came off as a bit strong, in my opinion, I also can't stand it when people try to pull mindgame shit on me in attempts to make me say things so they'll feel better: I'm stupid, I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm ______.

I do the same thing as CityOfAngels when someone tries it on me--refuse to play along.

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maleficent

If she skips class because of her appearance, clearly it's affecting her life, which is a big problem. Could it be an eating disorder? Dunno. Is she looking for attention? If she is she's going about it the wrong way, and definitely should seek out counseling.

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Holo

Don't even get started with this...let her make her comments and don't play the game where you tell her she isn't blah blah. I totally believe what you say, but she never will and she knows you. Just tell her what you think about her body honestly, which you have, and make sure you show her too by doing the little things that make her feel pretty. But do not get involved with trying to change her outlook or play shrink. You can't and shouldn't try to fix anyone with whom you're close.

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HalcyonDaze

For the record, she's been both bulemic and anorexic in the past (anorexic before I knew her, bulemic when we started dating, stopped about 6 months ago). I spend enough time with her now to know that she is eating well and is at a healthy weight, but she sometimes seems to still have the mindset of someone with a disorder.

She goes to therapy, too. I just want to know what I, personally, should be doing for her and acting like when she's in one of those moods.

I've been tempted to act as CityOfAngels recommends, but given her history, I don't want to upset her, y'know?

maleficent

You can't walk on eggshells around her for fear of upsetting her, she's in therapy, andishe's in recovery, what she probably needs is some normalcy, someone who's not watching what she eats and makes sure she's not resorting to old habits.

If she says that she looks fat, a simple, no you are beautiful, or whatever is appropriate, then dropping the subject, might work...

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robodog

If you know her doc you might want to contact them and let them know about these bouts of self loathing. This is important info for a shrink to have. If you don't know the doc you might want to talk to a family member that you trust to get the info to the doc without confronting her about it. Relapse rates for young women with eating disorders are VERY high even with help, the best thing to do is to get her the best help you can and in this case it probably means getting accurate outside information on her mental state to her shrink.

farcryer

Yep, add me to the chorus line of people saying that this girl needs to talk to someone good- and not you. I don't think anything you say will help, or else you would have picked up on something. If you can't seem to do or say anything right, and this occurs regularly (you know, not just during one of those moods every once in a while or so), someone else's intervention would probably be very helpful.

la petite moi

As a girl who went through the whole eating disorder and extreme fat paranoia, I would say that she will just need to get through it pretty much by herself. Her thoughts of fat will continue if she wants them to, but you could direct her in the direction of a psychologist...

Halx

My sister was the same way. Many men would kill to have a girl who is as hot as my sister. She's 26 now and she has grown out of it for the most part. Occasionally, she'll gripe, but she recently acknowledged that she knows she's hot.

Your best bet is to ignore her and let her open up to you on her own. Don't force her or rush her into resolving this herself. Just hang back and be supportive.. focus on other things and don't buy into when she's moody.

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uptown

She needs meds and counseling.Take it from a fellow sufferer when I tell you that feeling that way is all consuming and it is horrible.It has nothing to do with being an attention whore and everything to do with a major depression/body dysmorphic disorder.

I started meds a couple months ago and though I still have hard days,most of the time I'm feeling pretty decent and can actually enjoy my life without being tormented with thoughts about how fat/ugly I am compared to other people.I wasn't conceited,in truth I felt totally unworthy
and wanted people to just go away.

The meds and the counseling also make it easier for me to know when my thinking is irrational, at those times I can either quitely reality test within myself or let my family know that I'm having a hard day in an appropriate way.My family has been very supportive and things have gotten MUCH better.I enjoy my food now,I exercise as usual and can actually think of a few postive things about my body.


Btw,do know that she feels totally horrible and unworthy inside,she probably also feels anxious and like she's losing her mind due to her unhealthy preoccuptaion with these matters.

Alyssa

Same way as training a dog to stop barking, zap her with a squirt gun.

Alyssa

No seriously...does she work out and eat nutritionally? or does she sit on her ass and pick at her stomach fat all day? If she is unhappy with her physical appearance, then she needs to do something about it. I have always been skinny, but within the last year I started bitching about the tiny pooch that I started getting, so what did I do? I joined a gym...I bought one of those silly exercise balls that came with a video to try in the secracy of my bedroom. My boyfriend even joined with me as motivational support...(and to work off his gut too) I've started to do research on nutrition, and had no idea about all the crazy, unhealthy stuff I used to eat....right now I'm having a bowl of steamed broccoli instead of something high in fat and calories. You know... I'm determined to get myself back in shape.

The fact that she skipped class because she felt too fat...C'MON Seriously?! We all skip class here and there...but I'll be the first to admit I sometimes miss class because I'm too lazy to get out of bed (doesn't help to go out to the bars on a Tuesday night) Her excuse doesn't cut it, I'm sorry...that's just rediculous!


So the next time she feels she can't do this or can't do that...can't go to class because she thinks she is to fat that day...tell her to quit her crying and go jog or do something productive.

iamnormal

Go to see the therapist with her. Ask what you can do to help. Talk about the problems that you two are haveing.

Or you could just give her a good smack across the face when ever she says she is fat.

ravenradiodj

Don't you just love how the adjective "fat" is always taken as a negative? I'm a big guy who appreciates beautiful women in ALL sizes. IMHO, some big people look good big, and some look awful and unhealthy and unhappy. Ditto thin people, average people, etc. The fact is, we're all way too obsessed with our physical appearances. Because I'm middle-aged, I am starting to make an effort to eat better and stay active, but, to be honest, I am far more worried about my spiritual health, which I believe is eternal, than my physical health, which is terribly short-lived. In a hundred years, my body will be dust, and whether it was fat or buff won't matter; my soul, however, will still be around, working out its karma, so it gets priority attention from me over my thighs. Then again, I could be wrong.

toxic515

oh Hell yeah....
and I like cityofangel's suggestions as well. Don't feed into the negativity. If she WANTS you to go with her to counseling, great, if not, it's okay too..

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J_Pancakes

I'm in the same situation.. Over the past four days all she's had to eat is half an apple and half a biscuit. And she too is nothing like fat, but constantly she thinks that she's ugly.. All these thoughts put in her head by her pretty sick minded mother in her childhood.. Unwanted etc..

Long dead topic, but...

midgard

You asked what you could do, and while most of the advice listed above is about what SHE can do. I speak from direct experience with this topic - I was married for 11+ years to a woman who had eating disorders. I went through the gammit of trying things to "help" or "fix" the problem. What it boils down to is you **can not** fix this problem. It is up to her to fix it herself. You can be supportive, you can recommend therapy, etc, but you have to learn that it is not your fault. One of the things I found in a support book on how to live with someone with an eating disorder was "How to let go" of the things you can't control:

LET GO...

To ' Let go ' does not mean to stop caring, it means I can not do it for someone else.

To ' Let go ' is not to cut myself off, it is the realization that I cannot control another.

To ' Let go ' is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences. To allow one to make mistakes, and not to condemn for their failure.

To ' Let go ' is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To ' Let go ' is not to try to change or blame another, it is to make the most of yourself.

To ' Let go ' is not to care for, but to care about.

To ' Let go ' is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To ' Let go ' is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To ' Let go ' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To ' Let go ' is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.

To ' Let go ' is not to deny, but accept.

To ' Let go ' is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To ' Let go ' is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

To ' Let go ' is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To ' Let go ' is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

Good Luck

J_Pancakes

Thanks for the responce.. Really worried about her..

Charlatan

Lyrics from my favourite Ottawa punk band, furnaceface:

She Thinks She's Fat
CHORUS:
My girlfriend thinks she's fat
but she doesn't look fat to me
Girls always think they're fat
I think they read too many magazines

I take her out to dinner
She hardly eats a thing
She calls herself a cow
and I say, "How 'bout a little (how 'bout a little) [3x]
...a little bestiality?"--CHORUS

I take her to a movie
She doesn't like what she sees
but she eats ten buttered popcorns
and then she throws up (yes, she throws up)
Oh, then she throws up (yes, she throws up)
I said, then she throws up, she throws up
...in the sink--CHORUS

She's always on a diet
I hear about it every day
She says none of her clothes fit
but you know what? (What?)
I like her better (I like her better)
I like her better (I like her better)
I like her better without them anyway--CHORUS

Now, I don't know why you think you're fat, baby. You make me feel so bad when you say, "Tom, am I fat?" I don't know what to say. You make me feel so bad because, I mean, even if you were fat, I would still love you. I want you to know that. When you say, "Tom, am I fat?", all I can think of saying--the only thing I can think of saying is [fadeout ends--chorus would repeat here].

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xepherys

I agree that it sounds like body dysmorphic order. I had a gf that had this to a lesser degree. She was NOT flat stomached, but she wasn't fat, and she's very pretty. Eventually I did what I know best how to do... tell her she was being an asshat, and that I could no longer be her emotional crutch. That if she wanted to feel better about herself, I could help, and that if she wasn't going to make any effort to do so, then I had to end the relationship. The seriousness of my actions led her to understand that she did have the power over herself to change things and over about a years time she really did get better, no meds, no anything.

As background, her mom always told her she was fat and lazy and blah blah blah. Her mom seems like such a sweetheart, but she treated her daughter like shit on a stick. It's really quite sad. At any rate, a similar technique was applied one or two other times with some issues she had. We had to part ways eventually anyway, but now she is successful and happy, and I feel good inside knowing that to some degree I helped with that.

xim

I used to try to 'convince' girls how hot they were. Then it occured to me... They know how hot they are, look at what they wear. They maintain that they think they are ugly so they can get a constant stream of compliments from you.

My suggestion, tell her authoritively that her low self esteem turns you off. Tell her that girls who 'know how hot they are' are the most attractive. That would be my approach.

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Sultana

I'm sorry, but come ON. Girls who wear suggestive or revealing clothing (on an everyday basis, regardless of the appropriateness or inappropriateness [are those even words?]) are typically understood to have low self-esteem.

Of course I have to guess that you are referring to suggestive or revealing clothing. You may actually just be referring to Gucci or some other high end brand...heh.

And that particular approach, directed at a person with an eating disorder, could be one of the worst possible things to do. It would reinforce her negative self-image, which in turn would reinforce the destructive behavior. Unfortunately, one cannot simply "logic" another person out of a mental disorder. Would that it was so easy.

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xim

I dated an anorexic for two years. I am aware that this is not the best approach for them, but the original poster did not sound like anorexia was the issue.

Yes, its true, the hottest women are the most insecure, because they feel like they have the most to 'lose'. Emotionally they require constant attention, and they wear clothes that get them noticed by men and especially other women. But women who truely have bad body image do not wear revealing clothes. The ones who hate their bodies wear baggy tshirts and sweatpants. These women would rather dissapear than be given attention about their bodies.

The ones who wear tight clothing, and yet still fish for compiments by saying "oh... im just SOOO ugly...." and then look at you for a response, need to be alerted to the fact that they are trying to get attention in an annoying destructive way. Also some think they are being virtuous by exhibiting modesty in their self hatred.

Giving her positive reinforcement for hating herself only conditions her to continue her pattern of destructive behavior.

You might want to watch her cycle, and if the self hatred tends to correspond with that time of the month, point this out to her and empathize with her for how it must feel to be overwhelmed by hormones.
Otherwise all you can do is realize that you are not in control of her emotional state, all you can do is show empathy.

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Acetylene

There are lots of comments here and I don't have anything new to say--I just want to repeat BODY DIMORPHIC DISORDER and DEPRESSION as MEDICAL PROBLEMS. Skipping class to avoid attention is an extreme behavior and a huge red flag--she might be in real danger of developing other etreme behaviors in reaction to her terrible feelings such as self-destructive tendencies and even thoughts of suicide. Yeah I know, freaky to talk about but if you care for someone who is feeling this way, you CANNOT ignore this kind of cry for help. Be glad she's telling you about her pain and not just hiding it.

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